Night Haunts

Why is it that I can never have pleasant dreams of my husband? Maybe memories or simply just visits? They're always so eerie, sometimes down right creepy. And they always leave me feeling on edge. Last night, I dreamed of him. I dreamed, like I do sometimes, that he wasn't dead. These are always the creepiest ones because in the dreams I basically find out I've been living a lie. Once, I dreamed he wasn't dead but was a spy or something for Afghanistan - in short - a bad guy. In that one he told me he'd never loved me and our whole life together was a lie, a cover up. I know that one was completely ridiculous but it still left me feeling on edge.

Last night was a bit different. He had come home and came to me. I lost my breath and hugged him so tight. (These are the good parts). I hugged him, I felt his arms around me. It was amazing. I kept saying "they told me you were dead, they told me you were dead." He kind of laughed it off and recounted what really happened. Some long winded story about getting mixed up for someone else (which I know isn't possible because I saw him at the viewing, and may have come from the fact that Pearl Harbor was on yesterday). Then, he immediately started training for another deployment. Except he didn't really have to. This is the weird part. He wasn't him, he was off. It was like he didn't wanna be around us. I remember something about camping out in my parents' driveway (that's where training was taking place?!) and I was longing to be down there with him, but even though I was so close, he wouldn't let me. Then there was a part where I remembered Zach and I was like Crap, I've got to explain Zach to him. I don't remember if I did or did not I just remember it being a concern. Now, after sitting and typing it all out, it doesn't sound too bad. I got to see him and hug him. But I guess the worst part is the confusion. In all these dreams where I find out he's alive, the confusion is so much it chokes me. I don't know...

I guess they are all dreams of longing. Another one I had once I found out he was alive and had never deployed. That he was in Florida basically hiding out (and UA I imagine) and when I tried to get ahold of him he wouldn't talk to me. Another one, he was in the hospital ill. And then bad guys chased me around trying to get his ashes (yeah, super weird... he was alive and dead in that one?!) But all in all, in them I find out he's alive and I am overwhelmed with both joy and utter amounts of confusion. And in the end I wake up, he's still gone. There's no lie. There's just me, longing for him, wishing my life were different and that I would wake up and it wouldn't be one small nightmare but a year 3 months and 6 days worth. I wake up from the small nightmares, but the big one... I do not.

Thank God for the blessings that make my nightmare and now my life more livable and more like a life again. My daughter, my family, my friends, and Zachary. I guess it's not all a nightmare. It just feels like it some days.

Bumble bee

I have been quite the busy bee and there is so much I need to catch you all up on. I have to go back a few weekends, but here we go.

First, I had the weekend in DC at the TAPS conference. I stayed in a room with 4 other of my widow friends and it was sooo good to see them and catch up. I would say all in all the weekend was a success. Not only did I get some serious bonding with my widsta sistas, I got to meet quite a few people I'd only talked to online as well as meet new friends. I enjoy events like this because even though they are full of grieving people, there is always so much laughter - just more proof that there is definitely still life left to be enjoyed even after the death of a loved one. Spending time with my widstas always makes me feel more sane. Of the 5 of us staying together, at 24, I ranked oldest which makes me sad. I wasn't, however, furthest out, nor was I shortest, I was right in the middle. Our group had younger people than me but we are all in a bit of different places in our grief journey even though we all lost our guys in the same deployment (or for one of my friends the battalion that replaced ours, so still basically same deployment). Some of us are dating, some are not, some want to, some do not. It is always good and refreshing to share widow stories and feel like there are people in the world who totally get you, who don't judge your decisions, and who support you 100%. I really feel the ladies who walk this journey with me that I've become close to will be lifelong friends. We enjoyed DC as well as the conference, doing a little shopping, and even got to dress up for the banquet. We attended some seminars and learned how others are coping with their grief (and saw even more that we're not nuts!). The memorial day concert in DC was beautiful and definitely had us in tears at times, it's crazy what the national anthem will do to a group of widows. I had such a blast and while the circumstances that brought us together are of the crappiest, I am blessed to have these ladies, and the others who didn't attend this time, in my life.

At the Marine Corps parade that got canceled due to storms, with the silent drill team

Dressed up for the banquet

The following weekend I went to Myrtle Beach, SC for a hair show. It was good that I went because it gave me 18 extra hours towards school which was awesome because I was a little bit behind. I learned some really neat cutting techniques, bought lots of cool stuff, got SO MUCH inspiration just from people walking around, and got to know some of my classmates much better. We definitely had a great time. The only down fall was the benefit night that was held at House of Blues that we had so much looked forward to was a bust because my stupid brain wanted to rebel and give me a migraine. It was luckily not a super bad one though and I made it through in Myrtle and finished up the weekend just after getting some good sleep. Man I hate those things, they always ruin things I want to do - I am definitely ready to go back to the neuro and try something new to combat them. Ok, getting off topic here, the hair show was fun and it definitely helped reinforce my desire to be a beauty therapist (heh, I love that term) and made me feel like I am on the right career path.

One of the demos, Sexy Hair Rocks!

All dressed up for the benefit which I didn't get to go to - boo

After Ariana had gotten lots of grandma time over these events, I was sooo super stoked to have her back at home. I had missed her so so so much. She is getting so big and I just love spending time with her. She has come up with all kinds of new words now, and hearing her speak is always such a delight. She says hi, grandma, mom, dada, dog, bad dog (my favorite), bird, yes, no, truck... and others that I can't think of right now. She also knows her dad. This for me is just such a thrill. The other morning I was in my bathroom getting ready and she was in there with me. She went into my room and grabbed a picture frame with photos from our wedding and brought it to me, pointed at Jonathan and said dada! Then she grabbed another frame with just a picture of Jonny and I and pointed at him and said dada again. She KNOWS and it is just awesome. She will always know. It makes me so happy that even though her dad may not be able to be physically in her life he IS in her life and always will be. It makes my heart smile and makes me feel like he is in some small way here with us.

On the big girl swingDon't worry, the keys weren't in it and I was right there. I am nervous of the day this is really happening haha.

This last weekend was a nice one of just hanging at the house. The biggest thrill was buying a carpet steamvac and going postal on my carpets. They look SO nice and feel so nice. I had some heavy traffic areas that had been matted down and were turning an icky gray color but this steam vac makes them look so so much better - definitely no more gray. WOO! (You know you're a grownup and a mommy when the highlight of your weekend is not only buying but using a steam cleaner).

Now I am trying to figure out what to do with my summer school break. I only get 2 weeks, actually not even - 10 days to be exact - and I want to do something fun. I was thinking of heading to Disney World but I think July in Florida will be icky. Ariana hasn't been to Disney yet though so I really want to take her - maybe over winter break when Florida is less hot and Disney is less packed. So that is up in the air what we will do if anything, maybe we'll just spend the 10 days together having fun in the sun (and in the house on those sticky days!)

Hope everyone is doing well, God bless!

Memorial Day

Here comes my second Memorial Day with much more meaning than what it used to be. I'm geared up for it because I am proud to honor those who have given their lives for this nation. Last year, I was in Florida celebrating Jonathan's life and those who have made the ultimate sacrifice. This year, I will be in Washington, D.C. with fellow Gold Star families and I am very excited about it. Being around other widows and Gold Star family members always helps make me feel so much more normal and less crazy. While we may deal with our grief differently and our stories may be very unique, we are all walking such a similar journey and it is such a comfort to be with those who are walking a path with you. I'm going to the TAPS National Seminar and I am also excited for the breakout sessions that will help me to learn more about grief as well as meet people in a similar situation. I've heard talk that Westboro Baptist Church will be in Arlington and at the annual parade, and it's also on their website, so everyone please pray I don't go to jail (I kid, I kid). But seriously, I hope there will be lots of motorcycles and patriots to drown those crazies out. I just don't understand why they want to inflict more pain. We are all God's children. But enough about them, back to the focus.

This year in New Hampshire, as well, there will be a Memorial Day ceremony honoring Jonathan. It will be at the Sandown, NH Center Cemetery, across from the fire station, starting at 12 noon. If anyone who reads this is remotely close to Sandown and wants to go, that would be awesome. I won't be there because like I said I will be in DC this year, but if someone goes and would tell me how it was that would be so neat. They are sending me video footage as well, but it would be cool to know people are there honoring him!

My goal this Memorial Day weekend is the same as it was last year. That people will stop and take even just one minute to remember the meaning of memorial day. The reason why we have this awesome long weekend to BBQ and hang with family. No, it doesn't just mark the start of summer, it is to pay tribute and thank all of those who have given the ultimate sacrifice for this great nation we live in. I urge each and every one of you to take a moment and look at your stars and stripes and thank a service member. I also urge you to thank God for the life you have and the freedom you have being an American. Sure, have fun with your family and friends, have a couple drinks - but while you're at it - have a drink or two for those who gave everything in the name of freedom!

And now, to rap up my Memorial Day post, because I failed at doing individual tributes to the 1/6 Marjah Marines like I had originally planned (I still have intentions to do so it's just taking much longer than I anticipated) I would like you to meet all of 1/6 Marjah Marines.

LCpl Zachary Smith, 19 Years old from Hornell, NY. KIA January 24, 2010

Sgt Daniel Angus, 28 years old from Thonotosassa, FL. KIA January 24, 2010

Cpl Jacob Turbett, 21 years old from Canton Township, MI (2nd CEB Attached to 1/6) KIA February 18, 2010

LCpl Kielin Dunn, 19 years old from Chesapeake, VA. KIA February 18, 2010

Cpl Jonathan Porto, 26 years old from St Petersburg, FL. KIA March 14, 2010

Cpt Brandon Barrett, 27 years old from Marion, IN. KIA May 5, 2010

Sgt Joshua Desforges, 23 years old from Ludow, MA. KIA May 12, 2010

Cpl Nicholas Parada-Rodriguez, 29 years old from Stafford, VA. KIA May 16, 2010

LCpl Phillip Clark, 19 years old from Gainesville, FL. KIA May 18, 2010

LCpl Anthony Dilisio, 20 years old from Macomb, MI. KIA May 30, 2010.

*A special thanks to Terri Sachs-Meyers for being so faithful and proud of the 1/6 and the beautiful photo edits*

I wish I had the space to post every hero I have ever met indirectly through their widow. I have met some of the most amazing men without even meeting them. I know they are so proud of their wives and how the gold star families carry themselves. I hope they all know how much their wives have touched me along this journey and I can't wait to meet them all when I get through the pearly gates.

Hello Friends!

I know, I know, I suck at blogging. I feel like every post begins that way lately. I will try to do better, I promise.

I guess the biggest update I have is my recent vacation. The boyfriend and I traveled to New Orleans last weekend, met his mom and her boyfriend. I'd never been to New Orleans and I've gotta say it was awesome and a place I will not soon forget. My mom came down and stayed with the baby girl while we went for the weekend. Let's see if I can recap most of the trip....

The food...
The food was soooo good. We ate at Jacque-Imo's the first night. I had porkchop stuffed with beef and shrimp sausage. It was absolutely delicious. I had some kind of corn on the side along with mashed sweet potatoes. It was definitely some... "excitement" in my mouth. Ha. Zach had fried rabbit, which I tried (always take a no-thank you bite, at least!) And it was actually really yummy, and his mom's bf, Eric, had grouper. Now I don't particularly like fish like that but it was also delicious. We had Escargot and Alligator Cheesecake as appetizers. I wasn't a fan of the cheesecake, flavor was interesting but I just couldn't handle the squishy texture. The escargot was fantastic though, YUM. Not only was the food delightful, the ambiance of the whole restaurant was so cool - definitely an awesome place for our first stop in New Orleans. There was phenomenal artwork everywhere, they used candles of saints to light the tables, and you walked through the kitchen to get to the dining area. I can't sum up in words how awesome this restaurant was!

We called it an early night and headed to the hotel after checking out some sweet old houses through the streets of New Orleans. The architecture and the history there are beautifully haunting. I couldn't stop clicking my camera because everything looked so... old and majestic.

Then we made it to the hotel and I am not even going to go into the hotel - it was gross, worst part of the trip. Let's just say do not stay at the Sun Suites in New Orleans. We made it through one night and early the next morning we checked into the Holiday Inn on West Bank that was neat because it was made like a tower. I think it was a sign because driving over the Mississippi on the bridge I saw that hotel and thought it would be neat to stay there, so it definitely wasn't a trip ruiner!

The next two nights were spent on Bourbon street. At one point I got Zach up on the piano at Howl at the Moon, the dueling piano bar, and they sang happy birthday to him. It was hilarious. We watched his mom's bf sing with his band RockBox at Fat Cats. They were SO good, and we had such a blast. We drank some neat Nawlin's concoctions like the Hand Grenade and the Hurricane, and Cherry Bombs that were actually Cherries soaked in Everclear (WOAH) and explored the street.

On Saturday night we took a ghost, voodoo, and vampire tour. It ended up being more of historical tour but I didn't mind it because it was really interesting, and seemed a lot more legit. I learned a lot and I'm really into history so I loved it. We also saw people saying the rapture was coming that night... apparently they didn't make it either (HA). I had a blast taking photos of the neat buildings in the french quarter and trying to capture orbs and ghosties.

On Sunday we were going to go check out the graveyards and some stuff we missed but Zach thought we were leaving a lot later than we actually were. Oops! We had to rush to the airport but we got to pass the graveyards on the way and they are really neat (definitely something I'm going to take more time with my next trip down). We almost missed our flight but finally got it all straightened out and after 2 layovers (yuck) ended up back home.... without our luggage (Zach warned me before the trip that he was really bad luck to travel with and I'll tell you what - he was not kidding!) Luckily our luggage came the next day so no harm done.

So that was a rap up of my trip. I had such a blast and I recommend everyone go check out New Orleans, I think it's got a little bit for everyone and the history is just extraordinary. I know there are a ton more tours I'm already looking forward to taking my next trip down!