Back in Action

Woo. I did not like that time with no cord. Luckily I found one for super cheap on Amazon and it came right away so, ta da! I am back.

There were a few things I'd had on my mind to blog about, so I'm going to try to touch on them all. Stand by.

Last week (was it last week? Maybe the week before?) A and I journeyed on down to Florida to hang with Jonny's family (my family too, just makes more sense to be specific that it's Jonny's. I hate saying "the in-laws," sounds even more impersonal to me) for his birthday.  On February 26th, Jonathan would have turned 29. I have to say, it was a great visit. I always thoroughly enjoy spending time with his family. I love hearing stories about him, and seeing a different side of him than I really knew. I only ever knew Marine Corps Jonny, so it's fun to hear all about pre-MC Jonny. I really liked celebrating his birthday with his family. We had a little get together and there were so many candles on the cake! Haha. It is also so wonderful to see Ariana with that side of her family. She looks so much like them, at least to me anyway, and I get great delight in that she has so many of her father's features. She enjoyed time with her cousins and aunts and her grammy. I really wish we saw them more often, she had a blast (and I did too). After a few days in St Pete we went up to Orlando with Jonny's sister Emilie. We did Disney one day which was fun. A is still a little young for some things, she gets pretty freaked out by the rides, but we still had a blast. I miss them already and am already thinking of when we'll be able to go down for another visit.

As far as other day-to-day events, most things are pretty much the same. A few changes here and there, and a lot of projects that I'm beginning on. So many things are too early in the planning stages for me to really talk about them, though. With as many things as I've started and stopped in the last 3 years, I've learned to not make a big deal out of anything until I actually commit. That being said, the changes/projects go from everything to home improvements and farm fixes to school to creative projects in the works. You're going to want to stay tuned, because when I unveil it's going to be pretty intense. (Might not be for a while, but it will be intense!)

One project I am working on that I feel comfortable speaking about is the project of myself. Yeah, you read that right. I am an ongoing project. I am getting more dedicated to making myself a better person. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Body, Mind, Soul. I want to be a more balanced person and I want to know myself better.
I've been eating much better. I've gone almost all natural. I read the book It Starts With Food and attempted (and failed) a Whole30 challenge. I didn't let that get me down, though, and each day I try again. Do I cheat? Yup. I had like 6 mini snickers bars today! But I just keep trying and knowing that each minor improvement helps. I had actually started a health/fitness type blog - total secret - but once I went on vacation and blew my eating change I kind of quit updating. I should get back to it. Or just incorporate it here, since I'm bad enough at being consistent here anyway. I workout almost regularly - as in 4 out of 7 days last week. That's huge for me. While I consider myself a relatively active person and I enjoy doing things and moving, I'm not big on actual exercise. You know how people say they are spiritual but don't like organized religion? Yeah, I'm active but I don't like organized exercise. I'm working on that though. In fact, I just finished an at home Crossfit workout before starting this post! I want to be a healthier person. And I want to look better. For once, I want to look better for myself, though, not for anyone else - I'm getting to that part though. These changes effect A, too. She eats better and cleaner because it's what we have in the house. Sometimes we do workouts together - she loves Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred. She wasn't too fond of the Brazilian Dance on demand we did last night though. I want her to know how to make good food choices and be an active person and I know the best way to teach her that is to lead through example.
I'm working on my mind by looking for things to be happy and thankful about. I'm learning to accept me. I'm working on being okay being "alone." Sure, I still browse the online dating sites, but I've pretty much given up dating because I need to learn to love me first before I can expect anyone else to (this is where the looking better for me bit comes in). It's time I've learned that and taken an active role in making it happen. I am taking time to appreciate the little things and I'm doing my damndest to not worry and stress. That ones tricky, though, as I'm still dealing with a lot of anxiety issues. I've stopped taking my daily anxiety medication (did I post about that already?) and while it really, really sucked at first, I'm doing okay. It was pretty intense being able to feel again. But I am certain that's what I needed. It's time I face reality and feel. It hurts and it is so hard, especially this time of year when I feel like I'm re-feeling things from 3 years ago, but I feel in my heart it's what I need to continue on my journey of healing.
As far as spiritual, I'm still kind of searching. I try to set aside time each day for some quiet prayer/meditation. This one is still tricky for me and while I know what I believe I'm trying to be more active in my beliefs.

One of the ways I've found that is helpful in all of this, and something I really wanted to share with you guys because I think a lot of people might benefit from this little idea I had, is a daily reflection sheet. I typed it up on my mom's computer when I was cord-less. First, I wrote a little note to myself. What I wanted the reflection sheet's purpose to be and how I wanted my answers to be honest because it is to help me get to know myself. Then I listed questions. Did you eat cheat foods today? Y/N with a line of explanation "I ate 6 snickers" or "I resisted a delicious cupcake" Did you exercise? Did you spend good quality time with A? Did you move other than exercise? Did you take time to laugh? Did you take quiet time to pray/meditate/think? Did you take time to reach out to someone? Lots of yes/nos with space for explanation. Then I ask myself something that I found stunning about myself today. Yup, I used the word stunning. Then something I wasn't so happy with. Something I was thankful for. Something I am proud of. Something I want to improve upon tomorrow. A few open ended questions like that. Then I have some ratings. Mood rating. Anxiety rating. How many cigarettes (another bad habit I'm looking to conquer). I ask what the weather was like (call me crazy but I've begun to think it has a huge impact on my mood). Anything out of the ordinary happen that day. And on Wednesdays I log my weigh in/measurements. I'm a weird one in that I actually enjoy filling in forms. So it's nice each night to just take a moment and reflect on the day. Look back and evaluate. It's also a way to hold myself accountable. It kind of says "These are the things I want you to be doing, did you do them?" And then I have to answer to myself. Yes I did! Or no, I kind of screwed up. Then I can remember the next day, "Ok, Rach - those snickers kicked your butt yesterday, stay away today!" I also signed it with another little note from myself reminding me that I am loved but I need to love me. It was just a little idea that came in my head and so far I'm very happy with it. Down the road I can change it to reflect more or different things that I'm working on. I highly recommend it.

So that is life in a nutshell. Lots of little projects that are hopefully leading to greatness.
And how was your week?

Box Magazine

I'm sorry for my absence and this time I really super mean it! I've had soo much to write about but of course my computer cord died on me and I'm waiting for the new one to come in before I can give you all a proper entry. Right now I've taken over my friends computer just to post something that I'm pretty darn excited about.

I've started writing for a new magazine and we've semi-launched. Our "normal" site isn't up quite yet, so the articles for the month has been put on a blogger site. I have two articles in this edition. The first is the Hope Chest piece - it is about March 15 2010, and the timing of this launch is pretty interesting considering the three year anniversary is around the corner. The second is Hair's Your Beer. There are also some other really awesome articles on there for you all to look at. It's a super rad women's mag. Of course I wanted to toot my own horn a little bit because to be honest, I'm pretty proud of my piece. So take a second and have a look, since I know you've been missing me here ;)

Box Magazine

Don't worry. I'll be back very soon with more!

Kids Say the Darndest...

and most wonderful things.

If you read back a couple posts, you will see that my parents lost their pup George just a short time ago. Like I said, it's been a rough time for the family but we've been getting through it.

For a bit, I kept Ariana home and we did not visit gramma and papa's house because they needed time to heal, especially without questions from a three year old.

We've been back over since, and she hasn't been too questionable. Mom explained that George has passed on to Heaven and was with Ariana's daddy. Ariana said, "He's not with my daddy," and mom reflected on a poem she'd read in which pets' souls wait in the rainbow forest until their owners come. Pretty interesting that she would say he wasn't with her dad in Heaven. Maybe George really is hanging out in puppy purgatory until his owner gets there (and let's hope and pray his owner takes his sweet time because I really like having my dad around). Hopefully he is enjoying his time with the other pets, and the rainbows, and forestness and all the other fun stuff he's doing while he waits.

Anyway, back to the point.

So I guess a couple days ago, Ariana was talking to my dad about George. I guess she could tell he was sad and he missed him because Ariana, being the sweet three year old that she is, said, without hesitation, "Papa, you can have my Kinger."

Kinger is our pup that we love very much and Ariana's pretty well attached to. But, without a second thought, my daughter was willing to give her pup to her grandfather because she could see how sad he is without George. The selflessness, empathy, and general beautiful souls of kids is amazing. It also makes me feel like I just might be doing something right with raising her.

Tonight, King was at my parents house with us. Ariana was already there and when King and I walked in she was surprised he was there but not unhappy - King's Here! Then later in the night she said something along the lines of, "King's here in this house now!"

It was like she thought he was staying there and she was helping her papa heal. For now, King is actually staying with us, but I think my parents know that if they want him and need a big pup around, King is theirs.

Oh my little girl. Her dad would be so proud. And something tells me he might have a hand in how awesome she is (I mean besides his 'hand' genetically - teehee) I really don't think he's ever that far from her.

I think we can all learn a lesson from little ones. When someone his hurting or in need, give something of yourself. Maybe as adults we need to learn from children to be a little more giving and a lot less selfish. We need to love one another and when others hurt, if we feel it too, we'll be more inclined to help those hurting (does that make sense? It does in my mind). Feel for the people around you, don't be afraid to share emotion and help carry some of the weight of their sorrows. If we love one another, I think life will be much easier and much, much more enjoyable.

Thank you, Ariana, for once again teaching me an invaluable lesson.

I Really Dislike...

This.
I keep seeing this poem in lots of places. And I really dislike it.

I'm sure a lot of you are familiar with this photo. That, in fact, is me, Jonny, and Ariana inside my belly. Our family. As whole in the living flesh as it would ever get. 

So, some clever soul grabbed my picture (yeah, I know it's the interwebs, I guess anything is fair game right? grrr) and threw this crappy poem at the bottom of it. 
Okay, So. It certainly appears that it's supposed to be like a memorial and a way to honor a fallen Marine but there are just a lot of things about the words that I just do not like. I'm going to take a moment to tell you exactly why I don't like the poem so maybe people will understand why the meme offends me.

First, I didn't write this poem. It's not about me and Jonny, our relationship, or our family. Someone just attached it to the photo and thought it fit. Number one thing that I didn't like. Of course, it didn't have to be written by me, but if you're going to attach it to our photo at least let the damn thing be about us. It's a very powerful and personal photo to me (yes, once again, I know, I chose to share it with the word via the interwebs but it doesn't mean I have to agree with what was done to it) and I just wish it were treated as such by others.

Not sure if the text on the photo is big enough so here it is:

Remember The Day

I borrowed your brand new car and dented it?
I thought you'd kill me, but you didn't

Remember the day I dragged you to the beach
And you said it would rain, and it did
I thought you'd say "I told you so" but you didn't

Remember the time I flirted with all those guys
To make you jealous, and you were
I thought you'd leave me but you didn't

There were a lot of things you didn't do, but you
Put up with me, loved me, and protected me

There were lots of things I wanted to make up,
To you when you returned from Iraq

But you didn't.

Many of you are probably thinking "That's not so bad, it shows that he was good to her" or something like that. Trust me, I see that side, and I see the author's attempt at making it sweet or whatever, but being the person in the photo I see the side that irritates me, too.

Number one, it kind of makes the "she" of the poem - or ME in the photo - look kind of dumb. She was always wrong and I did things to piss him off. It makes the "he" of the poem - or JONNY in the photo - look nice but almost like a pushover. I don't know. I know I should probably take it as an honest attempt at a tribute but it rubs me the wrong way.

I actually did dent his truck when we first moved to NC. Funny thing, actually, that that is in the poem. A guy backed into me in a parking lot. I was barely pregnant and super hormonal. Thank God my mom was with me and a crazy and determined-to-help gal happened to be watching from across the parking lot. That crazy gal is now one of my best friends, Ria. Between Ria and my mom, they made sure to take care of everything so we knew who the guy was and how to get in touch with him to get it fixed. Don't think the poor guy knew what hit him that day! I was too busy freaking out because it was Jonny's new truck and he was gone on training. Jonny wasn't mad at me, he was totally mad at the dude. Especially when he got home and the dude tried to be a douche. Don't worry - Jonny took care of it and got the money and fixed it. And I made a BFF out of it. Def wasn't all bad. Funny the poem knew about it.

We lived at the beach as much as we could, and we loved dancing in the rain. Being in the warm summer rains of NC. I have many stories about Jonny and I and the rain. Irrelevant stanza, but I guess I get the point. He didn't poke at her, he just dealt with her. I like to think Jonny more than "just dealt" with me. 

Ummm... I didn't flirt with guys in front of Jonathan. I guess this is the stanza that pisses me off the most. Implying I was some kind of juvenile playing games. Or at least poem girl was. Could I be a bitch? Oh yeah. But I didn't have to play mind-EFF games to do that. Jonathan, actually, was never the jealous type. I think that's part of the reason we got along so well. I'm super social and some people might have seen my friendliness as flirty but it never was and thank God Jonathan never saw it that way, either. He let me live my life. He trusted me. He loved me just the way I was, social butterfly-ness and all. It was kind of definitely amazing and I miss it. He had a level head. He used to tell me basically that he knew I was his and he had nothing to worry about. He was sooo right. Man, that man was sexy.  Even if I were a flirt I doubt I would have. There was no straying  from him. Insert chills and moment alone... ;)

And then it says you put up with me, loved me, protected me. That is spot on. He did all those things. I know I'm not the easiest person to love, but he did anyway. He put up with my bullshit and my bitchiness (or pregosaurus as he deemed it - I was not a nice pregnant person) and he still loved me all the same, even if his nostrils were flaring worse than a bull's and the vein in the side of his head was throbbing like it was trying to escape his skin, he still loved me. He wouldn't let me go to sleep without telling me he loved me, we were never allowed to go to bed mad with each other, that was one thing he was a stickler about and I am so thankful for He protected me always. He might not have been the jealous type but he certainly didn't stand for anyone being mean to me, looking at me even semi-wrong. I used to call him my puffer fish because he'd puff all up whenever he saw a "threat." Oh gosh, I miss that. It was adorable. I was his princess and his world, his words. 

And then the poem screws up again by saying Iraq. Two different wars, two different places. I think that's just disrespectful to him. At least be accurate about where he was when he gave his life, ya know? 

Okay. okay. After further analyzing the poem isn't that bad. There are certain parts I take more personally than I should. And when I really think about I do think it was done with good intentions. 

I guess the worst part are comments I've seen in places it was posted. Comments putting the poem and the photo too much together and people making judgements on me and/or Jonathan because of the words in the poem. That just pisses me off. It's not a poem about us. You don't know us. So shut up and just be grateful he gave his life for our country. Just say, "Thank you for your service" instead of something ignorant about me "taking his car without permission" or "flirting with every guy in sight looking for a meal ticket" (yeah I've seen comments along those lines and those are what make me livid). The meaning behind the poem and the meme is that be grateful for even the silly things or the things you didn't think you should be grateful for because you never know when you will lose them (even I will admit, it's a good general meaning) so the commenters should keep that in mind instead of being judgy buttheads. Yes, I said buttheads. 

I guess after seeing it enough times I just wanted to set the record straight. Just wanted my voice heard.

So, take it for what it is, a not-so-brilliant attempt at a memorial with an unrelated and poorly written poem (just my opinion, sorry)

I do thank everyone who memorializes Jonathan and keeps his memory and legacy alive. It's certainly something I strive to do and one of the many reasons I write here. I don't want to come across as ungrateful and I'm afraid that's what I've done. I know I don't get to choose what every memorial says and I am not the end-all be-all of memorializing and remembering him, and the general message of the poem of basically "Don't take life or loved ones for granted" is a great one, I just think there are some things that should be handled with a little bit more care. And this photo, one of my very most favorite photos, is one of them, at least in my world.



 

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