Coping

The best (if there were a "best") and ugliest part of going through a tragedy is that you really see people's true colors. Some people can simply amaze you (like all of you bloggy friends and your amazing support, not to mention the majority of my Marine wives and sorority sisters and other friends, I can't believe how wonderful so many people have been to us through this) while others can shock you in not-so-happy ways. Some friends get really distant, some choose to let loose lips fly, and others are just not so nice in other ways. I think most of the negative comes out when people really don't know what to say (who does?), feel pressured to do something (you really don't have to, if you want to, I love it; but if you simply can't, I understand), or are simply grieving in their own ways as well. No matter the reasoning though, friends who don't stay faithful and supportive make the grieving process that much harder. Worrying about what other people are thinking or saying, trying to mend other people's pain, and fix broken friendships, added to being angry/sad/guilty/upset over the loss of my husband is too much at once. So, it's not taking priority anymore. I have spent the last couple days worrying about certain friends, but it's time to say enough is enough. I need to focus on me and my daughter and that's it (hell, I still haven't even cleaned my "tornado house" because I only have so much motivation a day). The mentality now to friends who are less than supportive, can't handle it, or just want to make my life harder is... "They'll come around. And if not, screw 'em." One thing that helped me reach this point, and stop stressing about girl-drama as much, was an article posted on the American Widow Project website, under the "First Year" category, entitled "Things You Should Know... to Survive." I am going to copy and paste it here, mainly for myself, since I have to scour the website every time I want to read it (several times a week) and now I'll know exactly where to go, but also if there's anyone out there coming across this blog in a similar situation and hasn't been to the American Widow Project, it may be of some use to them as well. So heeeere it is (and remember, I didn't write this).

Things You Should Know... to Survive
by American Widow Project
November 20, 2009

Learning to expect the unexpected will help you get through this most painful time in your life. Here are 10 things you need to know if you are to survive.

1. Expect people to say stupid things. “Don’t worry, you’re young, you’ll meet someone new.” No matter your age, this will sting like a hot iron on raw flesh. Your mind is on your husband and preserving His memory. The thought of another man in your life too soon after His death may cause you additional pain.

“I’m sorry for your loss.” If there is a “loss”? This makes you wonder where is found? For the new widow, there is no found.

“He would want you to find a new man.” Hmmm… On this one, this writer takes umbrage. Nobody can tell you what He wanted, except you, nor, should they.

“I understand. I’m divorced.” Not. Divorce is different than death. Though a divorced individual may wish her ex to not be here, it just isn’t the same thing. While divorce can be painful, and having experienced one personally, the death of a soul mate is different, as this writer will attest, there is no connection.

2. Expect to be asked out—by your husband’s best friend.

3. Expect to be asked, “Do you masturbate?” by your best friend.

4. Expect to break down in tears when you least expect it—at the sound of the doorbell, at the sound of the telephone, at the sight of a couple walking hand in hand. All too soon the reality of being without Him sets in and it will take time for you to let go of your past. But you will.

5. Expect to begin each day wondering how you made it though the day before. And end it thinking you just can’t do it any more.

6. Expect to feel weak, strong, suicidal, angry, happy, euphoric, glad, sad, guilty, alone, lonely, trapped, free, tired, bored, overworked, overwhelmed, silly, puzzled, like you don’t belong.

Why not? You have just experienced life at its worst. I’m here to tell you, everything will be okay. Think baby steps. Think, I can and think, I will.

7. Expect all your friends to run away. They’re frightened, too. And they just don’t know how to handle your grief. Seeing you dealing with the death of someone near and dear is just too close for comfort.

8. Expect all your friends to come back. Give them time. The real ones do.

9. Expect to find yourself standing in front of an open refrigerator at 3:00 in the morning studying the expiration date on a bottle of ketchup. Give yourself permission to process your grief any way you need to.

10. Expect to laugh when the dog pees on the living room rug, when the garage door falls off its hinges, when the refrigerator makes a puddle on the kitchen floor, and when the woman next door goes out on a date—with the woman down the street. Your life is forever changed and so is your outlook. In the big picture, these things become miniscule.

11. Expect to wish you were dead.

12. Expect to blame yourself for His death.

13. Expect to ask yourself questions that have no answers. What if? Why me? Why couldn’t I have died first?

14. Expect to make plans to run away.

15. Expect to cancel them, because you realize there is no place to run away to.

16. Expect to kiss a fool.

17. Expect to feel like you cheated. You didn’t.

18. Expect to wish for a giant eraser to erase away all the pain.

19. Expect the pain to never end. It won’t. But in time you will learn how to manage it. I promise.

20. Expect to smile when you feel like crying.

21. Expect to not sleep.

22. Expect to not focus.

23. Expect to not eat. In the beginning you won’t be able to enjoy food. But it is important to drink plenty of fluids. If nothing else, drink water to keep your kidneys flush.

24. Expect to eat too much.

25. Expect to not be in the mood for all the things you once were in the mood for. Imagine. This writer didn’t want to eat chocolate!

26. Expect the sun to come out tomorrow, the daffodils to sprout in spring, every bird on the planet to sing, every oak, elm, and cottonwood to shed its leaves in autumn, the moon to glow, the stars to twinkle, the earth to spin on its axis, and then to wonder why.

27. Expect no one to understand. Though they say, “I understand.” They can’t. They don’t. They never will. Not even another widow. Grief is personal. It’s just like a thumb print, no two alike. Expect to make mistakes.

28. Expect to forgive yourself.

Okay. That’s it. And now I know what you’re thinking – She’s listed more than ten things.

But to make it through your grief, it’s important to realize you are not alone. What you are feeling is normal. Being informed is being prepared. It will help you survive.

Expect the unexpected.

And, like the mighty oak caught in a fierce storm bending in the wind to keep from being uprooted, you will learn to accept your plight. You will learn to remain grounded, and eventually you will be able to turn your upside down world right side up again.
~Linda Della Donna @ www.griefcase.net


Semper Fi,