Last week I engaged in a little Retail Therapy. I bought myself an iphone. I'd wanted one for sometime, Jonny too, but we never wanted to make the switch from Verizon to AT&T and weren't sure if we'd be able to text on the keyboard and yadda yadda yadda. But well, I really wanted one, my phone was acting like a total poop, and I justified it with the fact that Jonny wanted one so it was for him (in essence) and the fact is... I love it. Obviously the purchase of a new phone doesn't take away the pain or make me feel better or anything, but it is a nice little gadget and a welcome distraction. My mom and bestie Justin also visited this weekend and we had a very enjoyable weekend. Lots of good stories, good friends, good foods, and just hanging out. It was nice. I am heading back up home in early May, I'm oddly nervous about leaving NC. I haven't been to MD since before the accident and it wasn't where he was from or where we lived but for some reason thinking about leaving here just leaves me with a very uneasy feeling.
That's all I've really got, but I wanted to give ya'll something because I think a few of you were getting a little worried. Also, a note to those of you adding me on facebook, please include a message of how you know me (even if it's just from here) as I'm not too keen on adding people I don't have some sort of connection to, if you've already added me and I denied it that's why, not to be rude I just didn't realize I knew you!
Semper FI,
I'm always thinking of you and your little angel girl! Stay strong:)
ReplyDeleteIphones are ADDICTING!!!!! You will find yourself "glowing" as I call it, at night when you are laying in bed. After I get up each time with my baby in the middle of the night...I "glow"....you never know when you might get an email or facebook update that needs your attention.
From a fellow Marine wife.
You are an amazingly strong woman. I hope you know that. ::hugs::
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking about you!
((hugs)) I'm sorry honey...
ReplyDeleteI'll totally take you to lunch when you get back up here!!!! And I'm here for you... anytime!!
It must be difficult moving, packing up all of your things. My prayers are with you daily.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you treated yourself to something fun! I want an iphone so much!!! I'm sure he's happy you have it. :)
ReplyDeleteYou're still in my prayers every day. I'm glad that you posted tonight because I was just thinking to myself "wow, she hasn't posted in a while - I hope that she's doing okay".
Hope you have a good week.
amillionmargaritas.blogspot.com
Mrs.P! You inspired me to begin a blog for my large family during our deployment. I think you should go for the article and pour your heart out. Admit that you don't know what to say, admit the ups and downs and how the process of moving on and finding the little things that make you smile, hurt because you feel like you are leaving him behind. I have lost people, never a husband, but I can imagine it's a lot like losing a child. You will find the message, pray about it and what you are meant to say to the people who will read it. They will be guided to your words and a reunion of sorts will occur. Sometimes words out there for the world to see are only meant for a select few. By the grace of God, you will find a way to make this great, make it a day that you remember Mr.P and the things he did to make you laugh and also to get on your nerves! Make it your own! I applaud your acceptance of this task! Wife up, mommy, Mrs. P, and also (even though I was a Marine wife when I was young but am an Army wife now - I still bid you OORAH! and Semper Fi.
ReplyDeleteGood to hear you're doing well and I'm looking forward to seeing your writing in the Washington Post! That must be exciting :)
ReplyDeleteGod bless and Semper Fi
Christina
I think of you often. Praying for you always!
ReplyDeleteSo glad you had a good weekend with your bestie and that you have a new toy to play with. Good luck on the transition back to MD.
ReplyDeleteMrs. P,
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking of you often and keeping you and your little angel in my prayers. I can understand how you must feel guilt in the moments which you find yourself feeling "ok" or smiling...but I know thats exactly what your Johnny would want to look down and see. You and Ariana are his joy. He would want to see you smiling and laughing. I am so glad you let us know how you're doing, your friends do worry about you when we don't hear. I can't imagine trying to find the words to write for the post, perhaps writing a letter to Johnny would help you organize your thoughts. I once did that for another family member as I grieved. Please know you are prayed for often and we are all here standing beside you.
Love Mrs. Griffin
Sometimes articles are hard to write because we're not sure what the focus should really be. How much you decide to share is completely up to you. You're not obligated to let your reading public (which includes the blog) privy to everything.
ReplyDeleteIs there one aspect of your life that you can take and expand on? Is there something you've learned about yourself as you go through this process?
Anyway, it's all up to you. As for leaving NC, I understand how hard it will be. I think you're in that uncomfortable place where everything is a heartbreak in some way, and it's all new as well.
What an amazing opportunity regarding the Washington Post!! Also, glad you like the iPhone. I, too, am hesitant about "breaking up" with verizon...I have an iPod touch for now! I am thinking about you everyday...I am sure every other blogger is too. ♥
ReplyDeleteStill praying for you on a daily basis. You and your precious baby girl. Hugs for you girls.
ReplyDelete<3
I'm afraid to get an iphone, I would spend waaaay too much money on all those fun apps :) there's so many of them!
ReplyDeleteStill praying for you and Ariana!
Write from your heart.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you.
That's exciting you've been asked to do something for the Washington Post! I hope you find what to say! I'm happy you're feeling better and getting to spend time with family and friends! I'm sure it's what you need :]
ReplyDeleteMy boyfriend has an iPhone and he LOVES it! I plan on getting one when they release it for Verizon later this summer! Let me know how it goes for you! ;]
*hugs* I hear you on the facebook adding bit, I have to know where people are coming from before I add them ... it only makes sense.
ReplyDeleteI talked to my Mom about you. My father died when I was seven years old while in the military. My Mom and I talked about the guilt of losing your spouse and how you can't just feel sad or guilty all the time. You have got to keep living even if just in moments and I am so happy you do.
I can't imagine how hard it would be leaving and going home, or how good it could possibly be. I just think whatever choices and decisions you make are going to be the best for you.
Brandi
retail therapy is good for the soul :o)
ReplyDeleteglad that you got to visit with family and friends.
you are in my prayers daily!!!
you are a strong woman!!
from one military spouse to another!!!
bless you
I think your griefing process sounds normal to me. My brother was killed when he was 17 I was 12. I had a lot of the same feelings you are having and yes, he wants you to be happy. Im thinkin and prayin for u guys..As ur daughter grows keep her daddys pics around and remind her how WONDERFUL he was. Are you leaving NC for good or just going to MD to visit?
ReplyDeleteIt's tough to think (and feel) that you are "happy" and "okay" after a death. It's important to keep reminding yourself that you can do this and that you will get through this. The broken heart does not heal over night. Keep your head up - and don't be afraid to smile.
ReplyDeleteI think that you have plenty to say and maybe just need to go back into previous posts on your blog to help you find your words for the Washington Post article. I think that you would be able to write an amazing peice that would not only be cathartic for you but also for other Gold Star wives that might not be able to get out there and share what they are going through.
ReplyDeleteRetail therapy is always good for the soul, no it isn't going to make things better, but it does give you a little distraction like you said and who couldn't use one of those.
I can't even imagine how hard moving away from NC is going to be, it is where you have ties to Mr. P. It was your home that you shared together and it will always be a special place; however you need to be where you have support from family and friends and where you can possibly start moving forward. That is a scary thought I know, but you must make that next step for you and the baby. Mr. P will always be with you no matter where you go.
I personally think that it would be good for you to keep writing as much as possible, if not on here at least somewhere. It will be good for little A to be able to read about how you both got through this time when she is older.
Of course this is all my own opinion and I am someone that you don't know from squash. I am a daughter of Army and wife of Navy, I have not lost a loved one in war; but I have stood with friends and fellow wives who have lossed and been a support for them and I have learned alot from those experiences.
You are amazing to share your story and to be so honest and open with your feelings and thoughts and I think that you could affect many with your one small voice.
You and baby A are in my prayers everyday.
Your feelings make complete sense.
ReplyDeleteI hope you enjoy your iPhone. I really love mine and it IS very distracting.
I hope your week brings more reasons for you to smile and laugh.
Still praying for you!!!:)
ReplyDeleteOh Rachel ♥ As usual, I admire everything about you down to your core, but most of all, your strength. The Washington Post?! That's an incredibly awesome and exciting opportunity. I know whatever you finally come up with will be nothing short of fantastic.
ReplyDeleteI played with my friend's iphone for a while on multiple occasions, and I just can't get used to touchscreen phones, I NEED buttons to press.
I hope you feel better, my dear.♥
I'm glad you had some good retail therapy :)
ReplyDeleteI'll be praying really hard that the trip to MD goes well. Once you get there hopefully you'll see there's nothing to be nervous about and you can just relax with your family!
Reading your blog makes me even more proud to be a Marine Corps wife. You have sacrificed it all. If you don't have the words right now, that's okay. Maybe soon they'll come and it will help heal your heart to let it out, even just a little tiny bit. Semper Fi <3
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you like the iphone. I have a mytouch, because we're on T-mobile, and I am anti-Apple ;) But it's one of those thing that everyone who has one loves it, so I guess it must really be that awesome.
ReplyDeleteLove ya!
Bing happy is okay, and it's healthy.Everybody grieves differently and I don't think you should feel guilty about your feelings, they are yours.
ReplyDeleteGood luck getting over your writers block... I'll keep an eye out for your article in the Post.
ReplyDeleteI think we all wish there was more to say; something to say, that would help in any kind of way. It would be arrogant to think there was, but in reality all we can say is that you've had an effect on all 728 of us (and probably countless others) who follow your blog... and I know that I think about you and your precious baby girl and hope that you're both coping.
PS: I'm super jealous- I want the iphone! :(
Hi Mrs. P. What an honor to be asked to write for the Washington Post, even though it's for such an unfortunate reason. You have a beautiful way of expressing yourself, and I'm sure that if you decide to go ahead with it, you will find the right words. We are all pulling for you, and no matter what you say in print or on this blog, just know that so many of your old friends and new friends have your back and are cheering you on.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to hear that you are doing okay and that you had an enjoyable weekend despite everything. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through but I can understand why you might feel uneasy. Hopefully being at home will help you feel a little better. Stay strong and I hope the little one is doing alright as well. <3
ReplyDeleteI hear you on the FB thing. I dont like to add people I dont know either!
ReplyDeleteGlad the iphone is a good distraction! :)
xoxo
I'm sure you'll find the words, and they will be the right ones. What the world needs to hear, but more importantly... what you need to say. I am glad you got to spend a weekend with family & friends =)
ReplyDeleteEnjoy that iphone girl! You deserve it and a lot more!
ReplyDeleteI think its incredible that you even have moments of feeling good. That's great. I also don't think there is anything wrong with being at a loss for words. Words can't describe. Keep going. Lots of love and prayers.
ReplyDelete♥ Mrs. S.
hey girl thank you for the update!!
ReplyDeleteI'm still praying for your sweet family and telling others the sacrifice of your husband and his legacy.
Good Luck with the article for Washington Post- they must feel honored to have you write something for them!
and it will be okay to move. Where you live isn't all you have- Ariana is the biggest and best blessing he could've left you with :) :) :)
I know you're an amazing mom and you are doing so much right now- I will continue to pray for peace! If there is specifically something different you waould like prayers for please let me know!!!
A little retail therapy never hurt anyone, especially when you come out with an iPhone! :)
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy to hear you treated yourself to a little gift! I hope the move back home goes smoothly and that you have a positive support system in MD. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear from you again! Kudos on acquiring an iPhone. Had I the money, I'd be joining the masses of iPhone owners myself. ;)
ReplyDeleteAlso - I feel rude denying people's fb requests, but I still always do unless there's a message explaining how the person found me. :/ I'm all for being trusting, but that doesn't include welcoming stalkers to my profile...
I just want you know that I am praying for you. I am not sure if I have ever been here before but I will be following you:) You are going to do amazing things. Sometimes things happen and we don't why at the time and it seems so unfair. I just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you. Your little one is too sweet. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteMaybe the thought of leaving the home the two of you made together is the uneasy feeling you are getting about leaving NC! I think that would be the hardest part for me. Right now being there you are able to look around at all of the familiar in a time when your world has been turned upside down! That feeling of being knocked off of your feet and your trying to get them back under you!! Questioning every emotion you have second guessing those emotions because you feel he no longer has them! That is NORMAL!! You are doing a wonderful job! I cry everytime I read your blog because you are going through my worst nightmare and (IMHO) handling it better than I would ever dream of! God is with you and he will lead you in the right direction! Go to him and ask him for guidance he will give it to you!!! Bless you and your precious little one! My prayers are still in full swing for you!!!
ReplyDeleteI added you on Facebook, and if you deleted my request, no worries! I see that you are heading back to MD, and I am in the Quantico area. I would love to meet you, and maybe have a cup of coffee or something sometime.. :)
ReplyDelete~Holly
I haven't really known what to say, but I do read and keep you in my thoughts a lot. I'm glad for the update. And I'm glad you're doing well. Your positivity and honesty are amazing.
ReplyDeleteHi there. Been keeping up with your blog for a few months now and I've also been praying for you and your little girl. I hope you both are doing well and thank you for sharing in your difficult journey. Military wives hold a special place in my heart. XoXo
ReplyDeleteRachel,
ReplyDeleteI'd love to read the article you write on WaPo. I hope you can dig deep and find your words... obviously, many of us are deeply moved by your story.
I'm not sure that you'd want this but I'm in the CL, Jacksonville/Richlands area and if you wanted any help in moving, I'm sure TMO is there to help but if you need any help, don't hesitate to call on me!
Semper Fi,
Reina - sempergumby.blogspot.com
Wow! The Washington Post?! I'm sure whatever you come up with will be great. You're an amazing writer.
ReplyDeleteI can understand why it would be weird for you to visit, but I'm glad to hear that you'll be up soon. We've all been thinking about you lots! <3
I can imagine it must be hard to have to leave...but I think it will be good for you to be around family. :)
ReplyDeleteAnd, yay for a new phone!
His love will be with you all no matter where you go. I wish I knew how to comfort you, but all I can say is I pray for you! I hope that helps. Stay strong!
ReplyDeleteI loved your post. It is OK to be happy....don't ever feel guilty. You have had a big change in such a short time so take in a deep breath, smile, enjoy your baby and enjoy your life. Your husband is smiling down and watching over you. Take that big step in your life and make everyday count.
ReplyDeleteHey, Mrs. P.
ReplyDeleteBeen reading as you go along & I wish you much luck in writing the piece you've been invited to write. I imagine that would make every word I know fly right from my brain. Not sure what specific subject they wish you to focus on, but I think your "I'm in Delaware" post is amazing. Truly. I, honestly, never thought about ALL the things that would happen if something happened to my husband while he's deployed. Lots of stuff occurred to me, but the scenario you wrote about did not. It really grabbed me & I bet anyone who finds themselves here once they meet you in the WaPo will be similarly touched.
Just wanted to thank you for what you've continued to do & to say I'm still reading & still thinking of you and your little one.
I was starting to wonder if everything was ok, but I knew you'd write when you felt up to it. Thanks for the update, and I'm glad you seem to be doing well.
ReplyDeleteAnd the Washington Post?! I think that's a wonderful way to share your story. Don't worry, you'll think of just the right words to say. Take care.
Aw well I'm glad that you got you somthing that will keep you distracted for a little bit I'm still with Verizin I want an Iphone to but i'm worried about the reception and things like that soI ahven't made the plunge to AT&T yet lol.Let me know howyou like it.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great honor to write for the washington post. i am sure you will come up with something great! yay for getting the iphone i always say mine is he biggest time suck ever because i swear im on that thing 24 hrs a day. it will for sure keep you occupied ;) enjoy it!
ReplyDeleteI am still thinking of you and your daughter and husband. I pray that your move will go well and maybe when you get settled you could look into a mops group, www.mops.org there is a lot of support from other moms with little ones there
ReplyDeleteI hope that everything goes smoothly with your transition! My family often thinks of you and the sacrifice that you and your husband made. I know it doesn't mean much, but we left you a reader award (http://expeditionaryfamily.blogspot.com/2010/04/commendation.html) and wanted to show our support for your writing. God bless you and your daughter!
ReplyDeleteMrs. P, I just found your blog and wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you to your Mr for protecting and serving this great nation! Loving thoughts from a Navy wife, Kari
ReplyDeleteI live in MD, we have a great Military Mops group and I would love to touch base with you. Maybe help you transition home? Let me know. I'm expecting anytime now but here for you if you want to get out. Much luv sweetie!! email me trevsnavywife@yahoo.com
ReplyDeleteYou are such a strong, amazing woman. I think of your story often, and I am just amazed at how well you handle yourself.
ReplyDelete