What To Say

Sometimes, I blog in my head. Seriously... the way my mind works, a lot of the time I'm thinking the way I'd write it out. I've been head-blogging an update for the past few days. That I've been doing alright. I've been carrying on. It isn't easy, not in the slightest, but I do the only thing I can do and I carry on. I've got lows. I've got some very low lows. But I've been lucky enough to have some... decents too. I call them decents because they aren't really highs but I can find time to laugh and be semi-normal.
Sometimes when this happens I feel awful. How can I be normal when I'm mourning? How can I laugh when laughter will never escape those lips I loved so much again? I am told this is all part of grief, that I shouldn't feel guilty, that I need to carry on with my life, and that it is what Jonny would want. That last part, I know is true. He made me promise before deployment "No Moping!" and I am trying so very, very hard to keep my promise. It ain't easy, but dammit, Jonny Porto, I'm trying.
Tonight, however, I'm just pissed. Anger is an emotion that is always at the back of mind. Angry at the situation, at the choices made... it's expected, it's also part of grief, apparently. But tonight my anger is geared a little different than it is normally. I am angry that this continues to happen to other families. I am angry that I keep learning of another husband, daddy, brother, son, or even wife, mommy, sister... has fallen.
I am not here to make a political standpoint. I consider myself a fairly-well-educated woman, however I do not know enough about politics to speak on it, and I feel if you aren't well educated in a certain area you should not try to debate that subject. That being said, please don't flood me with comments about why we need to be there when I say I want our boys (and girls) OUT of there! I do not want to read about another person, young or old, giving their life in this war. I do not want to hear about more families being torn apart. I do not want any more new widows joining this family that none us of choose to be a part of. I do not want to continue to worry about my friend's husbands, my husband's brothers, my own friends who remain in country. I am just so full of anger toward this whole war. And then, I am back to my everyday anger, I am angry that he is not here any more to tell me it'll be ok. The one person who made things right... gone. Why do there have to keep being more? When is enough, enough?

That being said, it's 0239 and I should be in bed. I'm having trouble sleeping after learning of more fallen Marines, so I'm blogging. I'm supposed to be sleeping because I am going to go running in the morning (yeah, not something I typically do). I am running, though, to honor my husband. To honor all Marines who have given their lives or parts of their lives. I am running a 5k (gasp) for Hope for the Warriors. Since I don't know when I'll be blogging next, I'll take this opportunity to post as well about the Run for the Warriors 5K that my friends and I are taking part in on 15 May 2010. Please take a moment to check out my Hope for the Warriors page and if you are feeling generous, add a donation. I figure if all the people who now follow this blog, plus the people who don't follow and just stop by, donate just ONE DOLLAR, I'd have collected quite a chunk of change to contribute to Hope for the Warriors. Take a second to thank a Warrior who has given his or her life, limb, or general well-being for your freedom.

Rachel's Hope for the Warriors Donation Page

Semper Fi,