Memorial

Not the first, not the last. I feel like poop. I am so incredibly sad today. I think back over my blog posts. I've had shocked, I've had angry, I've had decent... here's the sad. What's a widow without some sadness, right folks? Joking aside, I am in a gloomy, poopy place tonight. Let's see how many times I can say poop in one post (still think my writing's good? haha). And still, I joke...
Back to the point at hand... 2nd MEB had a memorial today. It honored the guys fallen from May 2009 to April 2010. It was awful. Ok, that's not fair. It was beautifully done. The speakers had great things to say, the turnout was amazing, and our guys were beautifully and dignifiably (is that a word?) honored. But it was hard. And it sucked. And it made reality hit... again... hard. I'm sad. I'm angry and I'm sad and I want my life back. I want my Stink back. I want to be preparing for homecoming with my friends, excited that this stupid deployment is almost over, instead of going to yet another memorial. And of course this isn't the last, there's going to be another after they get back as well. I'm not complaining, I think he should be honored and remembered, but they're so hard. We were going to do one in Maryland but I don't think I need that. These are enough.
Yet another 21 gun salute, yet another playing of Taps. Seeing the field crosses, hearing the last roll call. Hearing his name called as one of the fallen, one who won't be returning home. I'll remember that call... "Cpl Jonathan D Porto 14 March 2010" Ring of the bell. Hang the tags on the rifle. Please take it back. Don't call his name. That's not his name. He changed his name, he's somewhere else.
He is somewhere else... gone from this earth. And still people say he's here, but where is he now? When I'm slipping into sorrow, where is he? Where is the comfort and peace I felt that one night in the kitchen? Where is the whisper "Everything will be ok"? Maybe he's left... again... for good. I pray that's not the truth. I pray he's still lingering I'm just too... clouded to feel him. I pray... I pray... I prayed. I prayed for safety, I prayed for his return, I prayed that it wouldn't be him. Please don't let it be Jonny. My doorbell rang less than 5 hours later.
I yelled at my mom tonight. I don't yell at my mom. Ok, I have yelled at my mom, but it's not something I typically do. We're so close and she only wants to take my pain away. And maybe it wasn't yelling more like snapping but I feel poopy (4? 5?) because of it. I shouldn't take out how upset I am inside out on others that only want the best for me and only wish they could fix it. And I know she understands and I know she didn't take it (too) personally, but I still don't feel nice for doing it. I shouldn't be angry when I hear people talking about being excited for their husband's homecomings or promotions or anything military related. But I am. I'm angry and I'm sad. These were all things we were excited about and we've been stripped. Instead of preparing for homecoming I'm going to memorials. Instead of making welcome home signs I'm reading condolence cards. It's not fair. It's not fair to me, it's not fair to the hundreds, thousands, however many, women (and men and families) who have to do this. I just want my life back. I am sad and I am missing my Stinky Man.

61 comments

  1. I'm sorry - praying for you and all the others. I wish there was something more I could say.

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  2. Sending hugs! I know there are no words to say...maybe you need some more toilet paper to wipe your poop away? I'm not sure that that made you smile, or mad at me. It's okay if your mad at me...your allowed to be.

    Not a day goes by that I don't think about you...seriously! I wish there was something I could do for you. I'm here on base with you...I would honestly LOVE to bring you a meal? No strings attached. I could just leave it on your doorstep and walk away. I just want to show you that we care about you.

    If your interested...which I would LOVE if you were....contact me, my name is Amber, willisam5@yahoo.com

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  3. I'm sorry you're feeling so poopy.
    Wish I could say it will get better soon, but it won't - not for a long time.
    EVENTUALLY, though, there will be small things that make you feel poopy, and then you will realize that it's been awhile since you've felt really poopy, and THEN.....you will find a way to be at peace.
    Until then, know that we are all here for you, and honestly, we feel pretty poopy on your behalf, too.
    Wish I could do so much more for you.

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  4. I think about you so much <3
    *love & hugs*

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  5. Dear Rachel, I'm so sorry you feel this way, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It's the worst thing, it's my biggest fear (as a military spouse, whose husband is deploying this summer). I wish I could change it and help you feel better. I feel helpless and I feel angry, because no one should have to go through this. I sent you an e-mail with my phone number not a long time ago, please feel free to call me anytime you feel sad and lonely, or write me an e-mail. I'll feel better if I know I helped you in any way to cope with the pain...My heart goes put to you and Ariana.
    Irena -- iwat09 at yahoo.com

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  6. As a military wife, every time I read a new blog on this page, I am devastated as if it is my broken heart. All spouses with deployed soldiers are in my thoughts and prayers. Please remember always, we are an elite group of individuals and will always support and love each other.

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  7. We can't take your pain away nor can we help you with it. But just know we are here for you.

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  8. bless you for being honest. it's your right to be angry, grumpy, whatever you want to be. we support you <3

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  9. I know that there is nothing I can say to make the pain any easier. I think about you and your precious daughter numerous times a day. I admire your strength. Keep trying to stay strong.

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  10. My heart breaks for you. I just made it halfway in our deployment & I can't imagine what you are going through. I pray God brings you Peace & the presence of your man...You are in my thoughts & prayers.

    Mandy
    Ellsworth AFB, SD
    34th Thunderbirds

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  11. I send you my condolences for your loss. It must be very tough, but being married to a Marine has prepared you for it. The Military wife is the hardest job and this by far will be the toughest for you. You will pull through. You have made it this far. You have alot of people praying for you.

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  12. I thought about you today and even talked to my boyfriend about it. He was there helping.

    There is so much so many people want to say but no one knows what to say. I just hope you know how loved you are by the people who are around you. How much your husband still loves you. And I hope you know we are all rooting you on and most of us are thinking about you and your beautiful daughter daily..

    Brandi

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  13. Yuck. I really can't imagine how hard this all must be. Whenever bad things happen to me (no comparison here) I run away. I am chicken and I'd rather run than face it. But you are showing this incredible strength and I have to admire it. Even poopy, you do it. (That really sounded better in my head.) my thoughts are with you constantly. Not sure how many of us you know on base, but you have a lot of us thinking of you.

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  14. **Hugs** I think of you often and wonder how you're doing... what you're feeling... what it's like. Thank you for being so incredibly raw and open with us all... you're the reason I started my own blog, and I'm so sorry that you're forced to go through what has happened to you. You're an inspiration to me and countless other military wives and people who have suffered a loss like you have... I hope you know that. Sending lots of love and prayers in your direction, Rachel!!!

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  15. I feel like I should always say something, but I don't ever know what to say. However, I am always praying for you, your daughter and your husband.

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  16. I'm truly sorry for your loss. You have a right for all those feelings and more. You don't deserve this. Your in my thoughts and Prayers. I wish I did live closer to give you a meal.

    ~Alicia

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  17. My heart breaks for you everytime I read a sad post and other time when I think about what you have gone through. Just keep praying and in time it will get better. You have thousands of people to lean on (not that you didn't know that) from the very close to the not-so-close. Continue to find joy in the small things and keep them close. You will pull through and this will get better; not perfect, but better. You are amazing!

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  18. I found your blog yesterday. I'm in tears just imagining what you're going through. You're in my thoughts and prayers. ((HUGS))

    ♥ SailorWifey

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  19. Like all the other wives, you and your family are in m thoughts and prayers. In the short time, I have been following you, I have admired your strength and outlook on life. I won't feed you the usual "he's always in your heart" cuz you know that already. You are truly justified in how you feel and act, and you're right they will tolerate and understand your behavior. Feel free to rely on us all to help in any way. My heart truly goes out to you. And remember it's ok, no one expects you to be strong always.

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  20. I felt a lesser degree of anger at watching people I loved leave for deployment, so it makes perfect sense to me. I'm sad with you, but I'm angry with you, too.

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  21. I think about you often and pray for you each time...there are no words,but please know that I am praying for you. Sending hugs your way

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  22. The Memorial was nice, I heard his name and I thought of you and your daughter automatically. I heard a few names of the Marines my hubs lost and I heard your Jonny's name and automatically I thought of you and thier loved ones. I wish I could wrap my arms around you all. We are family, than, now and forever.

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  23. I think about you all the time. I hope the poopiness doesnt stay around for too long. Praying for you huni xoxo

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  24. i still think about you story daily.. im very sorry for your loss(im sure your tired of hearing that) you are such a strong person.. i talk to my army husband often about this and what happened and why does it happen, why cant it be stopped and how unfair it is... i have been and will continue to pray for you and your family.. i know he is still with you and will never truly be gone from you...

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  25. You are much stronger than I think I'll ever be. I know that's not saying much but you are. I feel as though the words I want to say/utter died in my throat. I wish I could be there to hug you and your baby girl but you are both in my prayers. With all the love I can muster. XOXO Kelly

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  26. I continue to pray for your comfort and strength but I know it's a long journey to peace. I am so sorry that you are living this sadness. It is not fair, it sucks. You know that everyone who loves you understands your anger at them. You have to let it out. ((HUGS))

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  27. Everyone has said all the things swelling in my heart... I don't have the right words. I can't bring him home or change his name. I can't erase the pain or provide the comfort. I wish that I could. I wish you never lived this nightmare. There is nothing any of us can say or do to change it. But we all love you. We all stand beside you. I have never met you but I have spent nights crying and praying for you. I whisper your daughter's name often and I know the Lord hears my cries. And He hears yours. I can't begin to understand his ways, and I would be angry too. Thats ok. Embrace it. feel it. endure it. There will be a day when you suddenly realize its easier to breath, and you won't feel guilty for that fact. You will smile and say thank you Johnny. You're still here with me... If there was anything I could ever do, know that I am praying for you. Not when I see your name or read your blog. Every day. Every night. You are a mark on my heart. We may be strangers, but you are my sister. We are all in this with you, even when you feel alone. Remember we are here.

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  28. I just got back from the 2010 EOD Memorial at Eglin in Fla. I spent the entire time heartbroken, and I cannot imagine what the families of those soldiers we have lost are feeling. Like I always say, I constantly admire your strength. ♥

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  29. I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm equally sorry that you are having to relive it so often. Keep being strong.

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  30. I am sorry for your loss. Your in my thoughts and prayers.

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  31. You have every right to be mad! I think it's a good thing and is proof that you are grieving and accepting parts of your life that will always be different from this loss. You will always be his wife, you will always be the mother of his daughter, you will always "be" that person. The only support that I can offer is that it's ok to feel the way you feel. It's ok to be upset and angry and pissed off and feel cheated . . . who wouldn't feel that way?

    I live with the constant fear that you speak of and every post I read from you makes me realize that little things in life really don't matter. This isn't our first deployment, but the sense of "poop" lingers for me as well. I talk to my husband quite frequently compared to many, but it doesn't give me any relief except for at that moment.

    I know this is all so fresh and new, but when things begin to settle down, remember that it's ok to identify with the other parts of your life that you enjoyed before this tragedy. Remember that your life as a mom and wife and woman is a testament to the love you had for your husband and the woman he fell in love with. Try not to forget that person, because that is who he married. It will take time, and you will be the only one to decide when you are ready to take the baby steps. I wish I could say more, but as it is, my heart is breaking for you and your daughter and the loss you share with so many. What I can promise you is that this will get better in it's own time. It may not be as soon as you would like, but it will happen. My prayers are with you always, and I am sending good vibes your way.

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  32. I guess I can say I am happy for you because everyday you are healing, getting stronger, and making peace within yourself. This isn't easy but it will get easier.

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  33. i'm so sorry . . . and i wish there was more i could say. except i can't stop praying for you . . . and wishing there was more. more i could say. more i could do. my kids are BROKEN hearted for you as well.
    still praying,
    misty in NC

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  34. It is perfectly ok to be angry, sad, or effin' pissed off. It is normal. I feel the same exact way. I am pissed off every day that my husband is gone and will never be able to do the things that he wanted to do. Please do not feel bad for being mad about other husbands coming home to their families. You can be angry. I definitely was. One of my friend's husband came home after Michael died and all she would do was talk about it and one day I had to tell her that I did not want to hear another word about it. I had to remove myself from that situation for my own sanity. Just know that whatever you are feeling, it's ok to feel that way. Don't worry about what others think because they are not you. They are not in your shoes. They have no idea about the pain that you feel. Please, if you need anything at all. If you ever want to talk to someone who knows, let me know.

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  35. Cry. Yell. Scream. Snap. Laugh. Sing. Dance. Do whatever you need to do - there is no right or wrong way to grieve.

    Those who love you will understand. Moms always know when to give a free pass on things. She just wants to hug you and make it better, even though she knows she can't.

    And feel free to say poop as many times as you want. *hugs to you and wee one*

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  36. I'm s sorry :(

    I still think about you...You were one of the first people that I met on here.

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  37. My heart breaks for you. It simply breaks and for someone who always has something to say, I'm left speechless. I pray that one day—not now, because you're still grieving, but that some day in the near future you'll receive peace, if only for a few minutes. I hope you're comforted knowing hundreds, if not thousands, of people you've never met have been touched and comforted by your words.

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  38. Don't feel like you owe it to anyone not to be sad. Being sad is just as important as being angry and feeling decent. If you allow yourself to feel it, and to feel the poopy, you're actually helping yourself to get to place where one day, even though this feels impossible, the poopy days will lessen.
    Your mom understands. Apologize, but don't dwell on it.
    Regardless I can't imagine what this is like, and I'm sure the memorials are bittersweet. Realizing he's really truly gone and accepting that while be proud of them honoring everything he did.
    Hugs, I still think of you often and pray for you regularly.

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  39. I'm so sorry for your family's sacrifice. I read your blog every time I log on, and in fact, I started my own for my therapy in facing this deployment. I hope you know there are so many people praying for you and your daughter (she is gorgeous by the way).

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  40. Sorry that you have to go through this at such a young age. I send my prayers to you and your family as you handle all this.
    --Haylee

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  41. I ache for you, and pray for peace and hope for you. It was my husband (sgtdanger.com) who told me about your blog. He's near the end of his second deployment, and like your husband, he came home when I gave birth to a daughter, and then he had to leave again.

    I'm glad you share your feelings; I don't know how I would feel if I were in your shoes. Yeah, I'd definitely be sad and miss him so so much. I have faith that death is a transition to the next life, and you and Jonathan will see each other again. You're still a strong woman even if you don't feel strong all the time.
    -M

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  42. Hello, really difficult to know just what to say. It makes painful reading to know how bereft you are and how unjust it certainly is. Just know that, as horribly bad as this feels, you are honouring your husband and yourself by expressing all that you feel.
    xxx

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  43. This blogging thing is therapy. It's good to get out what you're feeling. There are so many of us out here that don't know you, but care about you sooo much. We're here praying for you and wishing you all the best. It hurts to see you hurting. Hang in there...your bloggy friends support you.

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  44. You are such an inspiration to people you do not know. Especially to me. I have not gone what you have gone through, but as a fellow military wife your words give me strength. Thank you

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  45. As always, thoughts are prayers are going your way.

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  46. just keeping pushing through sweet girl! i hope the baby is doing great, hang in there and continue to be strong, Semper Fi

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  47. Praying for you and your family!

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  48. Hey Rachel.
    I, nor anyone else, has the words to make you feel better. I have never commented before, but I just pondered upon your blog a few days ago. Since then, I have gone back to your very first blog and read all of them.
    I am so sorry and wish there was something anyone could do. If you need anything-literally anything- give me a call or e-mail, and I will be on the next flight. (it probably sounds crazy, but I'm not, I promise) :)
    I hope Ariana is doing amazingly. I pray things get better and you find a routine to get through this.
    With all the love in the world,
    Hayley H.

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  49. I don't know if you'll even see my comment in the sea of comments that you always get... I have a friend who is over there in your husband's unit, I don't think they knew each other, but I've been feverishly keeping my eye out for news. Someone on milspouse.com posted about you and I was speechless and breathless. I cried. Every time I think of you I cry. And when I realize that no matter how much I cry it will never, ever, ever, come close to anything you're feeling, I cry more. My husband is leaving this summer and I can't even imagine...

    Honestly... there really aren't any words that I can say that will help. I wish that I or anyone could change that. I'm so sorry for your loss and your in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong, I know you don't feel it right now, but you've already demonstrated how strong you truly are.

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  50. Keeping you and your beautiful daughter in my thoughts and prayers.

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  51. This is a really poopy time for you. And all I can say is let yourself wallow in it for awhile. Only by staying what seems an interminably long time of poopiness, will you be able to walk out of it and into some kind of future. Sure, I think there are times in the future when you're going to be pulled back into poopdom, but you'll know how to emerge from it then. But really? Don't worry about that, don't think about the future. Just be in the "now."

    Go easy on yourself. If you yell at your Mother forgive yourself because I think she's already done the same for you. If you don't, then you will forever live in some uncomfortable sorrow, which turns to distance. You don't want that.

    Love to you, the baby, and also to that guy in heaven, Jonathon --your love, husband, best friend, daddy and son.

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  52. I'm so sorry you're feeling so dark right now. Your description of the memorial service reminds me of the men I know of various wars for whom even a recording of taps still brings instant tears as they remember their fallen brothers. I guess I'm saying that you're not alone--those memorial services have the same effect on anyone who has lost a loved one in the service.

    I'm not a military wife, but I've had some crushing losses due to death and so my heart hurts for you. You're certainly allowed to be angry or sad or poopy or whatever other emotion you're feeling as you try to cope with something that seems beyond endurance. Just be real about it and look for what will get you through one more minute, hour, day... Hang in there--just from what I have seen of you through this blog, you DO have it in you to make it through this horrible valley. Please add my hugs and thoughts to those headed your way.

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  53. We've never met and I am a relatively new to your blog. I know I say it every time and I know that you're probably the same way, but as a military wife I feel very connected to you (and other mil wives). Every time I read a post from you, I cry, and my heart just breaks for you. I don't know what to say and I don't know what (if I can) to do. The world is not fair. What has happened to you is not fair. It shouldn't be this way and yet it is. I do know I pray for you and I do know that if we give it to Him, God will carry it. Jonny is with you. You are clouded but when it clears, he'll be there with you still. I am so sorry. Its falls so short I know, but I am. Lots of love as always.

    ♥ Mrs. S.

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  54. My heart breaks for you. I am praying for you!!

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  55. I, too, don't know what to say except to tell you that I am constantly praying that you are granted moments of peace to help you and your beloved daughter through this.

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  56. Thank You. Just, Really, Thank You. I am So Sorry. Our love to you and your little one. I cried all through putting my children tonight (did my best to hide it) for your pain and what has been taken from you. Our hearts and Prayers are with you.
    The Hallett Family

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  57. I wanted to tell you that you are an amazing woman. What you are going through breaks my heart a thousand times. I wish I could give you a hug and make it all better, but I can't. I'm so sorry that you are going through this, but those of us that follow you don't care if your angry or sad or if you say poohy! We love you and we all grieve differently. Stay strong! You are amazing.

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  58. My heart aches for you and your family. May you eventually find peace and a comfort you can live with. Hang strong. My prayers are with you and your family.

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  59. I'm praying for you and Ariana. I can't imagine your pain but am sure it is all-encompassing. I am amazed by how strong you are and your ability to continue on.

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  60. Awww (((hugs)))

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