The Sun is Shining

Ok maybe not so literally today. It's actually quite over-cast and was raining this morning and there is clearly more rain coming... buuut it was this weekend and it is today for me in my little cloud of the world. This post is probably going to be a lengthy one, so if you stick it out to the end, mad props to you.

I'm going to start with a slight weekend recap. I wanted to blog quite a few times this weekend but it was just so busy that I didn't really get a chance. After the last post, this one should be a bit more on a happy note and some of you might think I'm a little nuts how much my mood shifts but that's 1. Part of grieving and 2. Part of being a woman in general. So, just bare with me, mmk?
After the memorial, I hung out with Rachel (Jonny's mom) for a little bit at the house. We talked a lot and she had some really good insight and perspective that really helped me come to terms with things, including the "why's." No words, obviously, will take the pain and sadness away, nor will we, as humans, be able to answer those questions, but some of the things Rachel touched on really helped my heart. Especially with the reasons Jonny is not coming home. There may be a greater and more profound reason that he had to leave this Earth that we, as humans (again) can not yet know. Later that evening, we had dinner with Rachel and Brian (Jonny's step dad) as well as my friend/Marine wife (and practically sister) Aura. It was a nice relaxing dinner at Applebee's. I came home and had a bit of a breakdown on the way (hence the last post) and sat and talked to my husband for a little while. I pulled out of the breakdown and enjoyed Family Feud on facebook (I'm sooo addicted) and just relaxed.

Saturday Rachel and Brian came by the house and I took them on base. They wanted to pick up a few things for Brian's nephew that they were visiting on the way back to FL. I was pretty disappointed at the lack of "Gold Star" items at the exchange, though. No, I don't need to plaster everywhere that I'm a Gold Star, and luckily friends and family have been able to find me everything I've wanted as far as public displays go (flags, magnets, decals) somewhere, be it on the internet or at the Marine Corps Museum; I was just a little disappointed for people who come there after a memorial who can't really find much to honor their fallen Marine. I wonder if this is because it's one thing people don't want to think about, even while shopping at the exchange, or if it's simply economic - not as much demand for the Gold Star magnets as the Blue Star ones. Either way, I think our base needs to carry a little more items for those who want to honor someone who has fallen. Then we went to lunch at Andy's Cheesesteaks on base. I was a little frightened about this part. Jonny and I used to eat there all the time. We were both suckers for a good Philly (although he often was disappointed in the lack of CheezWiz - "the real Philly way") and we always took people who visited us there. It was ok though. It's just a place. A place we used to go, but alas only a place. And the subs are delicious so I made it ok ;-)

Sunday was May 2. May 2, 2010. One year from May 2, 2009. One year since we said "I do." I decided that we were going to celebrate the one year anniversary of our marriage in true Mr. and Mrs. P style. Beach day! A large group of friends came out to Onslow Beach and we spent the day layin' in the sun soaking up the rays (getting burnt in REALLY weird patterns) and enjoying each others' company. It was really nice. We loved the beach so much and I often feel happiest when the sand is beneath me and the water in front of me. Ari did well on the beach this time, it wasn't too windy like the last time we went and she spent a good amount of time snoozing. That evening, I had people over and we indulged in some adult beverages. I may have indulged a little more than normal, but it was my anniversary and I wanted to, so there. It was over all a very fun time, lots of laughs. Toward the end of the night I let the sadness in (by accident). I wasn't feeling well and just wanted to talk to Jonny because "He makes everything all better." Lucky for me, I've got amazing friends and they took care of it. Held me when I was sad and rubbed my hair (like your mom does when you don't feel good!) until I fell asleep, whispering to my hubsand on the way to dream land.

I spent much of the day thinking about the same day a year before - our wedding day - and our entire relationship in general. It was a nice day of reflection. On our wedding day, Jonathan was not nervous. I remember my mom telling me after how she asked him if he was nervous and he held out his hand - completely steady, no shaking - and he told her "I'm not nervous, momma, I'm ready. I know exactly what I'm doing." My dad, doing the dad thing, asked me repeatedly if I was sure I wanted to do this. I just remember smiling and telling him I was SO ready. The only thing I was nervous about was tripping down the aisle - I'm not so good at walking in heels and the straps wouldn't stay up. Thank God I bought white flip flops for the reception and could dance the night away comfortably. We had so much fun that day. I got to hang out with Jonny's family that I hadn't really gotten to know and we all got along so well. We laughed so much and Jonny was a sucker for the dips, and I ate them up. We smashed cake and of course he licked it off my face. We had a little after party and enjoyed "indulging in adult beverages" and after that he even invited people to come up and hang out in our room - on his wedding night! When I asked him later about that, he said, "Well I know you like spending time with your friends and just having fun and I just wanted you to be happy. And I really liked everyone and just wanted to keep hangin' out." That's the kind of couple we were - always having fun - laughing, dancing, singing, joking... Did we fight? Oh hell yeah, we did. We were intense, passionate people, and there were nights we would yell and scream at each other - but we loved even more intensely than we fought. We always made up within hours of the beginning of the argument - we knew each other so well we knew exactly which buttons to press and then when to stop pressing buttons and just be together. The love Jonny and I shared was like no other. While we could make each other mad at times it never got in the way of how much we loved. I'd still wake up in the morning to a note, a kiss. He'd still wake up in the morning his lunch ready, a note written. It didn't matter - nothing did as long as we were together. And even when we were apart.

I was thinking, as I was driving down to North Carolina from my visit in Maryland (about a week before the notification) that the majority of our relationship, we spent apart. Thanks to the Marine Corps (and I'm not complaining here, it's just a matter of fact), we only spent about 9 months of our one and a half year relationship physically together. Thanks to technology and an extremely strong bond though, we were never apart. We always knew when something was up. He would call or email from Afghanistan and I would tell him that I was just really in need of hearing from him and thank him and he would tell me that he had a feeling I needed him and did what he could to contact me as soon as he could. The day that he died, I didn't feel right. You will hear many military widows say this, and I believe it whole-heartedly. Now, at the time I didn't know something was up, I'd just been feeling off all day. My friends had asked if I wanted to go to the beach and I turned them down (!!!) because I just felt... icky. And the night I found out there was an accident I knew in my heart that something was just not right. I am thankful for this bond. I am thankful for having been loved and for loving a man who knew me, inside and out, even from thousands of miles away. I am thankful, that in my heart, this bond is still present. I will probably touch on these subjects again (and maybe again and again) because they are important and fall into many facets of our life together as well as my life now, but I have just been thinking about them so much especially with having just celebrated our anniversary.

Ok, now that I have recapped and touched on some thoughts surrounding my anniversary, a little business.

Anyone in the Tampa Bay area, St. Pete's H.O.T. (Helping Our Troops) is holding a fundraiser in honor of Jonny (going to Ariana's Trust Fund) memorial day weekend. It will be at Paddy Burkes in St. Pete on 29 May 2010 from 6-9 pm. I am trying to upload the flier but blogger isn't working with me so I'll get it up as soon as I figure out how. There will be all kinds of raffles and auctions and 1 free draft or rail drink for people with MilIDs and $1 Bud Select. Oh and I'll be there with Ari and my mom as well as Jonny's mom and I'm sure several other family members!! So if you're going to be in the Tampa Bay area for Memorial Day weekend, stop by and see us!!

Many thanks to all my bloggy friends and your wonderful comments, to Soldier's Angels OTK and St. Pete's H.O.T. for all their help and support, and everyone's well wishes and happy thoughts. Hope you all continue to have a wonderful week.

Semper Fi,

P.S.
In case you needed to be reminded of how freakin' cute our daughter is...