Night Haunts

Why is it that I can never have pleasant dreams of my husband? Maybe memories or simply just visits? They're always so eerie, sometimes down right creepy. And they always leave me feeling on edge. Last night, I dreamed of him. I dreamed, like I do sometimes, that he wasn't dead. These are always the creepiest ones because in the dreams I basically find out I've been living a lie. Once, I dreamed he wasn't dead but was a spy or something for Afghanistan - in short - a bad guy. In that one he told me he'd never loved me and our whole life together was a lie, a cover up. I know that one was completely ridiculous but it still left me feeling on edge.

Last night was a bit different. He had come home and came to me. I lost my breath and hugged him so tight. (These are the good parts). I hugged him, I felt his arms around me. It was amazing. I kept saying "they told me you were dead, they told me you were dead." He kind of laughed it off and recounted what really happened. Some long winded story about getting mixed up for someone else (which I know isn't possible because I saw him at the viewing, and may have come from the fact that Pearl Harbor was on yesterday). Then, he immediately started training for another deployment. Except he didn't really have to. This is the weird part. He wasn't him, he was off. It was like he didn't wanna be around us. I remember something about camping out in my parents' driveway (that's where training was taking place?!) and I was longing to be down there with him, but even though I was so close, he wouldn't let me. Then there was a part where I remembered Zach and I was like Crap, I've got to explain Zach to him. I don't remember if I did or did not I just remember it being a concern. Now, after sitting and typing it all out, it doesn't sound too bad. I got to see him and hug him. But I guess the worst part is the confusion. In all these dreams where I find out he's alive, the confusion is so much it chokes me. I don't know...

I guess they are all dreams of longing. Another one I had once I found out he was alive and had never deployed. That he was in Florida basically hiding out (and UA I imagine) and when I tried to get ahold of him he wouldn't talk to me. Another one, he was in the hospital ill. And then bad guys chased me around trying to get his ashes (yeah, super weird... he was alive and dead in that one?!) But all in all, in them I find out he's alive and I am overwhelmed with both joy and utter amounts of confusion. And in the end I wake up, he's still gone. There's no lie. There's just me, longing for him, wishing my life were different and that I would wake up and it wouldn't be one small nightmare but a year 3 months and 6 days worth. I wake up from the small nightmares, but the big one... I do not.

Thank God for the blessings that make my nightmare and now my life more livable and more like a life again. My daughter, my family, my friends, and Zachary. I guess it's not all a nightmare. It just feels like it some days.

19 comments

  1. Wow that is strange. But no matter what you know he loves you and Ariana and always will no matter what.

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  2. It sounds like you're definitely processing everything.... dreams can be so hurtful or so helpful. And you're right, so hard to understand! Hang in there, girl. You have such a strong support system. You're not alone.

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  3. That's a lot to handle, I hope things get better and you go back to the good memory dreams instead of the haunting ones!

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  4. i just want to say thank you... thank you for posting whenever you can, being truthful and honest at a time that you wish things could be different... you give a situation no one thinks about that it could be them and give hope that you can survive.... so i just wanted to say thank you and your daughter is very lucky to have such an amazing and strong mommy!!

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  5. Ack Rachel, that just sounds so hard. I have very vivid dreams and they constantly affect my mood too. I can't even imagine having dreams like yours. Sending you big hugs.

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  6. Aww, I know those dreams are really not the ideal way that you would want to see or remember him but you get to feel his presence for a few minutes and feel his hugs around you, and you do have a lot of people who love you and care for you. :)

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  7. It is really amazing what kind of dreams you have about a person close to you that has passed. I have been having the same haunting dreams lately about my mom and it's hard to sleep.

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  8. ((HUGS)) Those are nightmares!!!! I am glad you were able to hug him and see him in your last one though. ((HUGS))

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  9. I know my loss wasn't as intense as yours but twenty-five years later I dream that my grandmother had not really died but that myndad just told me that. Then she dies again for real in the dream. I think or brains do weird things as we cope with such losses. Pleasant dreams my friend.

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  10. i believe sometimes loved one that are gone visit us in dreams. i had a dream a wk ago of my very good friend who died at 37. sad. it was SO real. I even asked him in the dream how he came to me (knowing he was dead). He explained it that he wanted to come visit. Then he left after our conversation . I made sure to tell him to come often, and I miss him. sad. Sorry you are dealing with this. I have PTSD for other reasons from childhood. nightmares. but real.

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  11. I have been very touched by this blog and wanted to share another impact-full story with you:

    http://www.nralifeofduty.tv/#/patriotprofiles/VideoModule/141

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  12. Whenever anything traumatic occurs, your brain goes into confusion mode trying to process it all and thus, your subconcious will burst with these wierd dreams that don't make any sense...hang in there, hun!!

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  13. Just seeing how young all those widows are took my breath away and really made it "real" for me. Thanks for blogging and sharing.

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  14. My dad died suddently and unexpectedly at the age of 48 (I was 22 - 20 yrs ago). For a few years after his death, I would have dreams that he "faked" his own death. I was really mad at him, but of course, elated to see, hug and talk to him.

    One of the dreams, we were at the funeral home and he was in a little room off of the large viewing room. I found out after the calling hours that he was back there, once again, "faking his own death" and got really ticked off.

    It must be something in our hearts/brain that tries to figure out, "What just happened here?!" Life is hard to reconcile anyway...a shocking death would be even moreso. IMHO...

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  15. As someone who recently went through a pretty traumatic event, I can relate to your "small nightmares" and waking up to a big one. It's like a kick in the teeth, because you can't even escape to a happy place in your dreams. I am so glad that you are able to live your life, because it's hard to just breathe some days. You are helping me.

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  16. Hi!I came over from another military spouse blogger and I too, am one as well.

    Your story has touched me so much. My husband was deployed last year as well to Afghanistan. Although he was injured and sent home, I still can't fathom what could have been.

    Your baby girl is precious and I'm sure he is so proud of both of you! Keep fighting the fight and you will see him again one day :)

    Hugs,
    Laura

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  17. Praying your nightmare problems goes away soon:)

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