Sometimes I think I could waste my life doing just that; wondering and what if-ing. Even nearly three years after he left his earthly life, I wonder what life would be like if it weren't so. In fact, I think I spend a lot of time during these months doing just that. I also wonder if I'll ever stop wondering. I seriously doubt it. What would our life be like? How would he have been when he came home? What would we have argued about? How would we be raising Ariana differently? Where would we live? And then the ever heart sinking question - would we have made it? My heart tells me yes. My heart tells me I would have stood by that man through hell and back. Of course, I'll never really get to know. I stand by him in death, even death hasn't deterred my love for him, (even though I've certainly been pissed at him) so I have a good feeling we would have.

I think it's utter bullshit he's not here. It's a funny thought, really. It's just crap. Like... it's stupid. It's total BS that Ariana doesn't have her dad with her in a "normal" way. It's crap that he isn't here to help me. It's stupid that I can't touch him anymore. At least that one I have the memory of. I pray I'll never forget his touch.

Tonight when putting Ariana to bed, she laid facing me. Rare with her, because she usually likes to spoon and of course she's the little spoon. But she turned around and she faced me. I told her I really missed her dad. She talked a little about her dad (honestly I'm not really too sure what she was saying, I think something sounded like she said he picked her up so maybe she was talking about a dream or just telling a story - I don't know) and she told me not to cry. Then she did a funny thing. She touched the side of my face and brushed my hair back. Sounds trivial. But not if you were married to Jonny. He always did that. He did that when I was sad and needed a little extra love. He did it before he kissed me. He did it to tell me I was beautiful. So it was just weird in a moment when I was feeling overwhelmed by his absence that my little girl would touch my cheek.

I may have talked about it a lot, I know, but I can still remember our first kiss. The very first time our lips met. It was like they already knew each other, like our souls had already known one another and were joyously meeting again. He held my cheek and brushed my hair back. His lips met mine. The softest, most full lips. He was full of confidence but gentle. The other hand was at the back of my neck. My body was engulfed immediately in tingles, a sensation I'd never experienced from a kiss. As cliche as it sounds, I thought my legs had turned to some semi-hard goo and were going to give way any second. While not every kiss after that was as intense, probably due to a lack of surprise since I knew what I was expecting, they were all magical. I'm blessed to be able to remember how it feels to kiss him. Over three years since I've had that. I can still tell you what it feels like to be in his arms, to sleep next to him, to ...other stuff ( ;-D), to fight with him, to joke with him, and what his presence felt like next to me on the couch or in the truck. He certainly had a presence. Even just sitting next to him, it was like he engulfed me. He was always so warm, my personal space heater. His arms were the perfect size to fit around me. His skin was smooth but his hands were rough enough to be sexy but not feel super gross. He had beautiful hands.

Oi. I could go on and on. Sometimes I think that helps but then I think too much, I remember too hard, and I long for him too completely. I miss him. From deep within the pits of my being I miss him. It's terrible, but I have to try to not think about it. I guess that's part of dealing with grief, is actively not thinking about it. If you do, it might completely take over your life and I just can't let that happen. I still have to live. I have so much more to live for.

I'm not over him. I don't know if that term will ever be applicable to me. "Over." Love like that isn't ever over. Doesn't mean there might not be more love for me out there. Shared love. But our love will still remain. I just miss him. I miss us. I miss me from then, too. And I miss the three of us that never got to happen.

This time of year is so dumb.

Miss you Stink, hope you can read blogs in Heaven and you know how much you're still on my mind...


  1. I know I don't personally know you, but I do read your blogs. I have never really been one to believe in signs or things like that, but I have a friend that lost a child that told me he believed our loved ones that go on before us visit us at times. I have to sadly say I don't think I've yet experienced that from my son, but I do believe that beautiful act your baby girl did with facing you, putting her hand on your cheek and brushing your hair back was your precious Johnny. I think he tried to confirm that with you when she said don't cry. I long for a day when I know my son reaches out to me and I pray he has reached out to his wife as to me in some odd way it feels like it would give comfort. I hope you recieved some comfort and as I told my son's wife, you will meet someone that will sweep you off your feet again and it won't replace Johnny, but it will enhance what you had with him. The right person will not only be ok with you remembering him, but he will encourage it and remember him along side you. Your feelings are completely warranted and you have every right to wonder all you want. Just have hope and hopefully comfort in knowing that those little moments like you experienced with her will happen again when you need it the most. Peace, comfort, and love to you and your baby girl will thrive because you will thrive.

  2. He was definitely with you in that moment with Ariana. That's amazing.

    I think it's a beautiful honor that we get to 'remember' him with you.


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