New Year's Resolutions: Peace

I don't usually "do" New Years Resolutions. Why? Because I always break them. If I want to make a change, why not do it whenever it's needed, instead of when it's expected? I've recently been on this get-healthy kick, which I suppose can be incorporated into a resolution, as I want it to continue through 2012 and, well, life. But, I started it before the New Year. I think I'll be more resolved (get it, get it?) to stick to it having started it before the day I was "supposed" to. It's been fun, challenging, and interesting. I've been feeling better and healthier which has made me much happier. I feel like I'm being a better mom by taking care of myself better. How can you take care of someone else if you don't really take care of yourself (ok, you can, but still, you should be at your peak to take care of someone else, that's the point I'm making)? So, the family as a whole has gotten healthy and I think it's going to be a great year for our bodies!

I have been reading a lot of other people's resolutions, though, being inspired by what people want to focus on for the upcoming year. I came across an awesome quote concerning New Years Resolutions that I want to share. SpouseBuzz recently featured a post, Most Miserable MilSpouse Wins, discussing the "my life is worse" debate that often raises up amongst milspouses - who has it worse? While it was a very interesting, and true article, it's not exactly what I'm writing about right now. The first comment on the post is what really grabbed me. S2 HH6 posted:

A few years ago, I chose to quit making resolutions and instead opted for the "One Word" for the year. In earlly January, I begin praying for my "One Word" from God for the year as a way to focus on the positive rather than the negative words that can wreck a whole year. This has really helped me. Maybe it will help others too. For me it is a process and not me choosing one word to work on like a resolution, but rather a process of reflection and enlightenment through prayer. My "One Word" for 2012 is still in the reflection stage... maybe Thoughtful, Thankful, Love, Mercy, Grace, Renewal... we are about 9 months into an Afghanistan deployment and so ready for any of these! Prasing God in the process.

I was immediately struck by this. What an awesome theory. It was like a lightbulb went on in my head, and as soon as I read the comment, I had my word. Peace. That's it, it came to me, and I'll take that as my sign, handed to me from God because I've been asking Him for some guidance, my word for 2012 is simply peace.

I truly believe that 2012 is going to be a journey of peace for me. I've been saying for some time that I really want to cool my jets, settle down a bit. Not stretch myself or my family so thin, stop the constant running around I was doing the end of 2011. Reach a state of peace where I can just sit and not have to run away from the quiet that frightens me so. 

I try to focus on the good in my life. I've got a lot of it. I'm surrounded by people who love me, I have the most beautiful daughter, I've got an understanding and loving boyfriend, friends that would do anything for me, and I can't even begin to describe how amazing my family is. So, I choose to focus on positivity, it's there and I want to see it. That doesn't mean that the sadness and the pain aren't still here, lurking in the corners, coming out when I least expect it.

People have said to me that I've moved on, that I'm not sad anymore. I don't think they mean ill of it (at least not the ones I'm thinking of right now) but it's not true. I just try not to show it anymore. I don't want people reading my blogs and facebook posts and seeing a girl who pities herself. I want them to see a girl who still chooses to see the happiness after she thought it was gone. There aren't many who are privy to the Rachel meltdowns anymore. I keep those mostly for me (and well Z, he gets to see all of them... I really don't know how that man does it). I work through them. I pray, I yell, I cry. And then when it's done, I think of all I've got, I push forward.

I'm haunted. I don't ever permanently shake those feelings of sadness. My stomach still sinks daily when I think of Jonathan and the simple heartbreaking fact that he really is not here. My heart still misses him, almost constantly. I still endlessly wish he were here and am always wondering what my life could have been, but I can't let that take over my life.

I think part of the time I'm focusing on the postivity though, I'm also running from the sadness (we're getting back to the peace - I promise). I'm keeping busy so during the day I don't have time to feel sadness. I go from place to place so I can't settle into the dark shadows lurking in those corners. As long as I'm moving, my brain is moving, and the sad feelings are less likely to take over. I can push them back.

So in 2012, I think it'll be time to accept peace. I've accepted that my life is the way it is. Grief comes in cycles. I'm convinced that whole grief steps... stages... whatever... is bullshit. I'm sorry, but it's not like that, at least not for me. One day I accept it, the next I'm raving mad, it's whatever my body and mind and heart want to be at any given time, not some preset stages. If that were the case, I really would be "over it" by now not. I won't ever be, and those grieving know that's just the way it goes. But what I can do, is stop running from it. Accept it. Find peace in my sorrow. Find peace in knowing that I am not alone. Find peace in all the positivity instead of the guilt that, yes, still does creep in more often than you may think. Settle down. Clear my head. Woosaa and accept peace into my body, my mind, my heart, and my soul. Maybe, if I do that, I won't be so stressed out, too. Because I am wound tighter than an 8 day clock most days! 

So there it is, my one word, after so many in this post, is peace.

What's your word for this year, that great 2012?!