Monday Funday

Oh, it's not Monday? Well, it certainly feels like it because I went back to school today. Part of going back to school is awesome because I love it and seeing my new frans and all that good stuff but part of it sucks because lounging around doing nothing was also awesome. We have an extra hour in our day now and have to go on Friday too, booooo Friday class. But that's ok because I need those hours!

Our boxer adoption is moving forward. The hardest part I'm seeing right now is matching. I want them all because I hate seeing cute lil furbabies with no homes. We have a few that we really like, the one we had our heart set on is already pending adoption but I'm certain we'll find the one to fit perfectly with our home. I am really excited and very ready to have our furbaby here with us.

Baby girl is becoming a diva. She certainly has personality, momma's girl! I tell her no and she either throws a huge fit (ie Ariana, get out of the grill, that is not for little girls. WAAAHHHH) or laughs (ie Ariana, get off those stairs. Insert hysterical baby laughter here - until she gets removed from said stairs, then insert fit). She's a handful and I love it. I love her little personality. I love watching her run around the house and laugh and smile. She's such a happy girl, even for a prima donna.

Spring break was fun. Mostly just relaxed. And cleaned. Had a party one night but that was as crazy as I got, just enjoyed days with my baby girl and spring cleaning. It was nice though.

Things with Zach are well. I am dealing with a lot of emotion about everything and takes all my crazy in stride. It's definitely hard and I've definitely got a ton of emotions but happiness is luckily the main one and the one that outweighs the others. It's difficult though because sometimes I feel guilty or am afraid I will lose Jonny. In the end I know that will never happen and Zach even said that if that did happen that he failed because he doesn't want me to ever forget or stop talking about/completely let go of Jonathan. And that is how I know he is awesome. I expected lots of emotions about this and I warned him about it from the get go and he is still on board... and boy does he make me laugh! Ok enough gushy stuff... gag gag.

In bloggy news... the milblog conference is quickly approaching! I really wanted to go this year but I'm trying to figure out how to swing it. I have school on Fridays now so it would be really hard to get there on time unless I found a decent flight. The baby could stay with my parents because they live just outside of DC... but I hear the rooms are all booked up. I probably waited too long again just like last year. Crap. Hopefully I'll figure it out and get to meet some of you awesome ladies in person! And if you haven't yet, head over to the site and nominate your favorite milspouse blog.

Two posts in less than a month... I'm really working on coming back guys! Love ya!!

Forward Motion

Well hey there friends! How's everyone been? I have been a pretty busy bee but right now I am on spring break from school and wanted to take a lil time to actually post since I have been so MIA.

I guess my first order of business here is to break some news that you'll already know about if you follow me on twitter/facebook. I'm seeing someone. Ok, that's like the lamest way to say it. I have a boyfriend. I know people are going to have mixed feelings about this, but for once in my life I don't care. This new man, he makes me so happy. He treats me so great, he treats Ariana so great and he takes us the way we are. He doesn't expect perfection and just takes me as I am crazyness and all. I never ever thought I'd love again after Jonathan. Sure, I figured there'd be a someone someday but I didn't really think I'd open my heart because I didn't think anyone would take us the way we came. I gotta tell ya it's a pretty great feeling. And I also want to put it out there that it does not change anything with Jonathan. I still love him more than anything, I still talk about him, I still miss him so very much and I still wonder what if, and I still do cry about him. But I think I deserve to be happy and I know Jonathan would want me to be happy and to be with someone who would treat Ariana and me with love since he is not here to. And this new man, he accepts Jonathan and my love for him and doesn't discourage me from still loving him, it's pretty awesome. So enough mushy gushy stuff you guys prob want the dirty details about him, right?

Ok so... his name is Zach. And to answer the question that I seem to get immediately... yes, he's a Marine. Come on... I live in Jacksonville. Haha. He is currently non-deployable though so don't start freaking out for me! He is tall and has dark hair and blue eyes. He is younger than me but I'm ok with it because he doesn't look or act younger than me (I told him I liked it because there was more of a chance of him outliving me... I know... bad widow humor. He laughed tho so it's ok). He has a great sense of humor and laughs at my ridiculousness which is always a great thing. My friends that have met him all seem to like him and everyone so far likes seeing me so happy. He's great with the baby and she's really taking to him. We met on St Patty's Day (and no, I wasn't drunk. I didn't drink on the drinking holiday at all!) We actually met because he is friends with a friend of mine from school's husband. He saw my photo on her facebook and wanted to know who I was and wanted to meet me because he thought I was gorgeous so I was like sure I guess I'll meet him and we just hit it off. He's originally from Wisconsin. And I don't know what else you would wanna know so there ya have it that's Zach the new bf. Oh and here's a pic of us together.

In other news we're looking at adopting a boxer. I'm really really excited. I think it's time for us to get a dog, Ariana loves dogs. The people are coming to the house on Monday for the home inspection to help us find the best fit for our family. :)

School has been great. I've officially finished my first semester and did so with flying colors. I got an A in both theory and practical and I kicked ass at both final exams. I love it so much and I am sooo excited to become a stylist.

Hmmm I think that's really all that's going on. My parents and sis are coming down in a couple weeks for Easter so I'm really excited for that. Oh oh I almost forgot one thing. I got a sweet surprise last week. My dad had me go home to "surprise my mom" for their anniversary and watch the house so they could do something. It turned out the surprise was on me. They had flown my best friend home from Japan. Mom knew March kinda sucked for me and promised me April would be better and she figured what better way to start April out then with a visit from Ria since I hadn't seen her since Jonathan's funeral. It was definitely awesome and she is here in NC until the 25th of April so I am really happy about that. There's a video on facebook of my surprise... it took me a second to figure out what was going on and then I lost it. If I can get it up here I'll post it for ya'll because it's pretty funny.

Ok NOW that's about it. Sorry I talked your ear off. I need to get back into posting regularly so I don't have to write a novel when I do post! Hope you all are having a great start to your spring!

Survivor

That's what they say I am, anyway. Right? Everything is about "survivors." Counseling for survivors... organizations for survivors... survivor benefits... etc etc etc. I used to scoff at the word survivor. I didn't feel much of a survivor but as the one left behind. Doesn't sound as regal as survivor, does it? But that's what I thought. Now, a year (and 3 days) later, I see it. Survivor.

I have survived. I've made it a year through widowhood. As I post this now I think to myself isn't this the exact day I was posting about becoming a widow? I'm not sure, I'd have to check... Weird.

Please excuse me, my thoughts are hectic, probably the reason I've been avoiding blogging. With the one year mark of the angelversary comes so many thoughts. Good ones, bad ones. I feel almost proud of myself. I've made it. And I feel deeply, deeply sad. It hits hard. Balancing all these feelings is like that rock-weight game. Ya know where you gotta find the right rocks to put on both sides of the scale to make them even but they're always just a teensy bit off? Yeah... I go back and forth. I miss him more each day and I've been flooded with memories. Memories of the knock, the doorbell ringing. Memories of the news. The transfer. The funeral. But I just can't stop thinking "wow... I've actually made it." No matter how crazy it's been, I've made it a year. A year is a long time. I hate how long it is because it's how long I've been here but I've been surviving. It gives me hope that maybe I'll be ok in the long run. Maybe. I try to over run the memories of this time last year with memories from before. I tell stories, even though they seem like the same stories over and over because our time was so limited (that always kills me) I tell them anyway. It's weird because earlier today I was trying to remember what I did last year for St Patty's Day. Right away I thought, Oh yeah I was pregnant. Then it hit me. No, you weren't. It was days after you found out, you weren't celebrating a silly holiday. I went back to thinking of the pregnant memory instead, it's much more preferable to St Patty's Day last year (which wasn't even St Patty's Day at all, it was just March 17th... I think that's why I skipped it in my memory bank, of course my mind didn't register it last year...)

I was flooded with thoughts and prayers on the 14th from people all over. It meant a lot to know how many people were thinking of me - made me feel less alone. I have finally conquered all my firsts and there are still people standing by my side. I'm not walking this journey alone and even though sometimes I feel like I do - I don't have to. I don't. Even if the world walked out, Jonathan would still be there in some way, some how. He always is and I don't doubt he always will be. But these messages, they came from all over, from family, friends and strangers and they let me know that my husband and his sacrifice are not forgotten. If people forget about me that's whatever but it is important to me to know that people won't forget about him. And that is what amazes me, how many people let me know they won't forget and that won't forget my little girl and me either. It means more than I can express in words.

One of my favorite people came to spend some time with me during this tough period, the wonderful Mandy... we finally met! We roadtripped on down to Florida and spent time with some of Jonny's family. It's where I felt I needed to be. Being in St Pete is tough because I always get that feeling of "he should be here" but I feel closer to him on some level as well. Once again that uneven scale of feelings. We had a nice weekend though, I enjoy spending time with his family and I love seeing Ariana get to spend time with her daddy's side of the family. Since I've been back home I go up and down. I have the days where I don't want to get out of bed and I have the days where I feel I can conquer anything. And I suppose that's just life. Not only life as a widow but life in general. You've got your good days and your bad days and you make of it what you can. I think I've made the best that I can and I will continue to make the best of what I can. It's all I really can do.

Well, I don't think this post made much sense but I had a little itch to write (haven't really gotten it in some time, hoping I get it back for good!) and wanted to let everyone know that I'm ok, I know some people were worried, and that I am so very, very thankful for all of the support.

Funky

Mr. P's birthday was last Saturday. You know, we never got to spend a single birthday together. The first birthday he was in NC and I was in MD and I sent him a birthday package, the second he was in 'Stan and I sent him a birthday package and this year he was in Heaven. I had wanted to plan a benefit concert and raise money to donate to AWP and TAPS on his birthday, but thanks to the club promoter that fell through. The weird thing is the band I wanted to play just happened to be playing in Wilmington on his actual birthday. At the same lil bar we went and saw them together. My friend happened to be in Wilmington and saw an ad for it and called right away. A couple friends and I of course headed down. I had asked them to sing him happy birthday but it had gotten over looked on the set list, so afterwards the apologized to me and sang a happy birthday to him for me privately. It was definitely pretty rad. I had a great time celebrating the birth of my love with my friends. And was once again reminded of what awesome friends I have - I love you guys!

Things have been weird lately. I've been in a funk again. Maybe it's March but I've just been so... well I guess depressed. I'd been doing alright but lately I just can't shake the "What we'd be doings" again. They creep up at the weirdest times. I know I will only make myself crazy with wondering what could have been but I can't stop it. I can't keep the feelings of how different my life would be if he were still here, and I long for it so badly. I long for what was "supposed to be." In my mind, my life is not on the track it is meant. I mean, obviously this is what is meant for my life and this is the path I was given, but it's still not right. This isn't where I should be, I should be with my one love not on this crazy train of widowhood. This whole path is pure insanity and so many days lately I just wish there were an easy button and that things would make sense. But I keep on trucking. I have no other choice and maybe one day it will all make some sort of sense... I hope. I dreamed of him the other night. I barely dream of him, and this one was a weird one. He was alive. He was in Florida. I couldn't get a hold of him though. It was like he had just picked up and moved to Florida instead of deploying and was living a whole other life. But he was alive and there was a possibility of fixing things in my mind. It's crazy but it's the truth. God, I miss him. No matter what I do I miss him. I guess people don't get that. They see me living this life and just going on and they think I move on and that it doesn't hurt but it hurts me every day. I miss him so deeply every day. I miss him, I miss our love, I miss our life.

Maybe it's the month of March... March sucks. I know this funk will pass a little bit eventually, it always does, and I'm pretty sure it'll be back again, it always does. It's a roller coaster of ups and downs. I guess I just gotta take them in stride. And I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, I've been doing that a lot lately too. I need to man up and find my backbone again. RAR!

But most importantly what I need to do right now... is study for midterms. Yup, even in beauty school we've got midterms. And I'm going to kick their ass!!