Seven Hundred Twenty

Apparently I've got a thing with numbers lately. 720. That's how many days it's been since he left this earth. That's how many days I've survived widowhood. Well, I didn't know I was surviving it until the 15th, but ...

I miss him so much. I feel like I'm being ripped from both sides. It's crazy how the simple changing of the clock can make pain so much more intense. What the hell. I mean, the pain is there everyday but there's something about the marker, the anniversary. That's why we celebrate anniversaries, isn't it? Because they mean something. And that's why anniversaries are so painful, too. Reminders. Once a year reminders.

I can remember this time so vividly. It's funny because the days after  are a haze but the days right around - permanently engrained in my brain.

I can remember March 13th into 14th. I went to get a matching tattoo with a friend (I use that term lightly these days, unfortunately those who were friends then aren't so anymore, who knew death would also steal friendships?) Anyway, we got yellow ribbons. I semi-designed it with the assistance of the artist. Yellow ribbon tattered to show the hardships of the military spouse as well as the support of the military. Even though we may be tattered and withstand a lot, we're still there at the end of the day. Mine was finished sometime around midnight on the 14th because we went right after a battalion ladies night at the habachi grill in town. It was a fun day and night. We'd gone to the beach that day and had plans to the next day, as well.

The next day, March 14th, I spent feeling ill. I cancelled my beach plans (an unbelievable fact at the time - I never turned down the beach) because my stomach was in knots, I felt off, and just down. I called the friend I'd gotten the tattoo with thinking maybe I had an infection. Like the great friend she was at the time, she laughed at me (that's what I needed to stop from being paranoid) and told me I was fine. I still had no idea why I felt so off.

That night I heard about an accident. Another friend's husband had been injured. Maybe I've told you guys about this before, maybe not. But either way, there was an accident and my friend's husband had been injured. I knew my husband had been with her husband, we'd just figured this out days before. A wife who's husband was non-deployable called another friend (it's hard to follow without names, I know, i'm doing my best) telling her there was a casualty. That friend called me worrying it was her husband. My stomach hit the floor. Jonny was with the injured guy... I knew that... there was a casualty... what if it was Jonny? I called my family and they did their job at reassuring me. We didn't even know anything, why worry? But something certainly felt wrong. I went to bed.

I went to bed praying. Praying so hard. Please don't let it be Jonny. Don't let it be *friend's husband's name* either, but please, please God don't let it be Jonny. Don't let my doorbell ring in the morning.
The next morning, well, let's say what I've been told by so many milspouses - my worst nightmare came true.

My doorbell rang. It was still dark. The baby was sleeping in my bed with me. She was 2 months old, it was March 15. I went to answer the door. I stumbled back to my room finding something to put on, I went to answer the door, back and forth. I flipped on the light of the porch. I peeked through the peephole. I saw the shiny chaplain's cover through the peephole. I knew my fears were about to be confirmed. I still hadn't put on clothes. I had to let them know I was there. I think I was yelling who is it, but I can't remember if that actually happened or it was just in my head. I put on sweats. I walked back through the house.

I walked, I walked. My two bedroom duplex hallway felt a mile long. I opened the door.
There they were. They stood there. This was not good. It was true. No, it couldn't be. Wrong house. Wrong house.

Are you Rachel Porto, wife of Cpl Jonathan Porto? blank stare maybe? head shake? Asked again. Asked again. No. No. No. No. I needed to confirm before I'd be told anything. Maybe a nod.

We're sorry to inform you....

It happened. He was gone. My love, my hero, my soulmate. He'd left the earth.
At some point I screamed. At some point I fell on the floor.
I had to get up, I had to get to Ariana.

Thank God for that little girl who made me survive through those early days. I had no choice, I had to take care of my little girl, his little girl, our little girl.

I had to survive. And so, I did.
I have.
Two years later, I'm still here.

That's the story. That's when I found out my life had been flipped. From that point on, everything would be different. Days would turn into struggles, pain would come from incomprehensible parts of my body for no reason, tears springing from nothing. I would lose friends, I would gain friends. I would join a family that no one wanted to be a part of but that was so supportive and would turn into my best friends and biggest cheerleaders for success. Friends who stuck by would become family and strength, more than I think they'll ever know, and more than I can thank them for.

Complete strangers would show their support. I found a bunch of cards and letters of support today. I never wrote thank you cards. Everything was just... insane... and I just never did it. I wish I had. I wish I could thank each and every one of the people who sent something, friends, family, and total strangers, who sent their condolences and their wishes for only the best for my daughter and I. The love and support from everyone, simply astounding. I hope at least some of those people read this. I'm sorry I never sent thank yous, I wish I could thank you each and I don't even know if I could find the words to accurately express how amazing you all are, but your love and support through these times has been beyond amazing.

To everyone who's been there, even those who are no longer, you made an impact. You helped me through.

Today, I stand. I cry, I remember. But, I stand. I am here, I am thriving.

I will never forget my love, I will try to honor him every day I live. I will remember him and I will nourish his life in our daughter.

Because our love was so strong, it has carried me through. On days like this, Jonny, I think of you. I think of the way you loved me, and I know it's not so bad. I had that love, I still have that love.
So, to my biggest support (even if you are the cause of all this, ya turd) thank you for your love. Thank you because I know you make sure I feel it from where you are. Thank you for loving me. And thank you, thank you for choosing me to be your wife, thank you for choosing me to be the mother of your beautiful child. I'd never change being with you, even if I couldn't change the ending, you showed me what true love is and I will always love you for the rest of my years on this earth and beyond. I know you hear me, I know you feel me. Know that I miss you, I love you, and you are my true love.

And with that, I am off to bed to be rested to spend a day at the zoo with our beautiful daughter tomorrow.

Remember to hug your loved ones. Tell them you love them and how much they mean to you. Life is short, appreciate it.

Twenty Eight

It would have been my Stinky's 28th birthday today, in Earth years. It's the second birthday he is celebrating in Heaven. We never celebrated his birthday together. The first year we were together, 2009, he was in Jacksonville and I hadn't moved down there yet because our wedding was still a few months away. I sent him a box of clothes I'd picked out for him, and I think some candy. I joked with him that he was a grandpa-old man because he was turning 25 - a quarter of a century (Yes, that's what I turned this year, I don't want to talk about it!). He loved the clothes, and laughed and joked back about being an oldman grandpa. It was a good birthday even though we weren't together.

When he turned 26, he was in Afghanistan. For his birthday, we sent him a DVD of us gals (me and A) telling him happy birthday. We sang to him, we blew him kisses. We also included the DVD of A from right after she was born; first bath, those kinds of things. We sent him tons of photos. We sent goodies, typical care package stuff. He loved it. He especially loved the video footage and getting to see his girls. He said he got teary-eyed watching A get her first bath because she was crying and so upset. Oh how he loved that baby girl and he hadn't even met her. It was so obvious. He thought she was the bees knees. He just couldn't wait to meet her.

He called the day of his birthday. I was so excited to talk to him, I think it was one of the first times I'd talked to him since he pushed forward into Marjah. I was so excited to talk to him that I just kind of started babbling on about all the new things A was doing and how we were. Then he said someone had let him use the sat phone because it was his birthday. Of course I hadn't forgotten his birthday but I just got so excited talking to him I didn't say it right away. I said something along the lines of "OH MY GOD HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I knew it was your birthday and I was so excited for your birthday I just forgot to say it, gosh I suck" I know it went something like that. He didn't mind. He was happy to talk to us for his birthday.

He died less than a month later.

On his 27th birthday, I got a call from a good friend who had been down in Wilmington telling me Ballyhoo! was playing. Jonny and I had gone to see Ballyhoo! so many times, and I was actually trying to create a fundraising benefit concert featuring Ballyhoo! (it completely fell through) so it was pretty crazy that they were in NC (they're a MD local band) on his birthday, even if it wasn't for my event that had fallen through. I had asked them to sing Happy Birthday to him but of course it got forgotten and I was so mad. I went out back waiting for my friends to be ready to go, when my dear friend who told us about it in the first place came down the stairs to tell me her husband was in a fight. We rushed up to see what was going on and there was no fight, just the guys of Ballyhoo! standing around. They apologized for missing "Happy Birthday" and of course I had talked to the only guy without a mic to do it - HA. So, they personally sang Happy Birthday to Jonny just for me and my friends. It was a pretty awesome evening celebrating his birthday, a way he would have loved.

Yesterday, I felt the need for a little date night with my now bf Z. I wasn't really tying it in to Jonny's birthday, since that's today, but we ended up going to see Act of Valor. It might not have been the best idea considering his birthday was the next day and it was extremely emotional (I was wailing in the theatre - more on my opinion of the movie later). I wasn't quite ready to go home after being shaken up, so Z and I went to a local bar for some food and drink. As the hours ticked away to Jonny's birthday I kept thinking of how we might have been spending it. It actually seemed like a fitting evening. A local country band was playing in the bar just by chance, and minutes before midnight they sang Toby Keith's "Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue," a song I used to YELL and Jonny would comment about how motarded I am and that he's surprised I don't have a high-and-tight - a song that definitely reminds me of Jonny and the laughter we shared. After midnight, Z went up and asked the band if they'd do a shoutout for Jonny, which they did. It was really nice of him to acknowledge it was my husband's birthday. And it was definitely a way I could see spending his birthday if he were here to spend it with. I certainly felt his presence with me!

Today was just a chill day. I went over to my mom and dads with the baby we just kind of hung out. Had some sweet buffet from Golden Corral for dinner. It's the 4th bday of his we've celebrated apart - o wait, that's all of them!! I always wonder what we'd do if we'd actually been together for any of them, so I just try to celebrate them in what seems most fitting.

I love celebrating his life. Does it get me down? Yup. He's not here and I'd give anything to celebrate with him. But if he can't be here, I'll celebrate for him. I will continue to be happy and grateful that he was in my life for the short time that he was. I will thank my lucky stars that I was blessed with that love, even if it was taken away what I believe to have been far, FAR too soon. I speak of him daily and that obviously doesn't change on his birthday. I miss him so much, but instead of being sad, I will just be happy that I had what I did with him. And that our love is eternal and nothing, not even death can change that. That I can still feel his love for me from Heaven, and I'm pretty sure he can still feel my love for him from here to Heaven.

Happy birthday, my angel. I love you forever and ever, babe. To the moon and back.

March for Babies

When I worked at the Child Development Center on Aberdeen, I had one student who stood above the rest. He was a very intelligent little boy, caring, compassionate, and funny! The child of dual military parents, he was only 4 but was wise beyond his years. He often spoke of his sister, Julia Lani. This may seem like a normal occurrence for a 4 year old boy, except that his sister lives in Heaven. Julia was born with severe complications and while she did not live long, she lived long enough to touch the hearts of those who love her. Julia's mom has shared the story of her birth and ascension to Heaven with me, and I would like to share it with you all.

The last few years have been quite difficult for our family. As a dual military couple stationed in Germany, we were thrilled by the news in 2006 that we would be adding a little girl to our small family. Everything was perfect until the day she was born in a small hospital in Bamberg. We found out post-partum that she suffered from Heterotaxy Syndrome which includes many serious birth defects. She only had three chambers in her heart, four spleens, and biliary atresia which forced her liver to shut down. These were just some of the more serious problems. We were medically evacuated to Walter Reed Army Hospital 6 weeks later only to learn that her prognosis was grim.

She made a final transfer to Children's National Medical Center in Washington DC for the first of her major operations. My husband, one-year old son and I had left all our belongings in military housing in Germany with the promise that someone would ship everything to us soon. Since we were on a medical TDY status, we had no duty station to call home. We were
homeless until the Ronald McDonald House of Washington DC took us in. They provided shelter that we could afford and food when we needed it. It was a blessing to have a place for our son to take a break from the hospital and just enjoy being a toddler. Julia received wonderful care from some of the world’s top surgeons. She was the miracle child that was supposed to come home. After her first major heart repair, she was given the clearance to receive a new liver. On Monday, October 9th we were informed by our social worker that Julia’s medical bills had just totaled over one million dollars. The following Thursday we were told that she was doing very well so they pulled all of her main lines, including her antibiotics. On Friday she got sick. Saturday, her kidneys shut down and the hospital priest administered last rites. Sadly, our Julia succumbed to a hospital-borne infection that took her life on Tuesday, October 17, 2006. She died in our arms and was carried to Heaven on the wings of a butterfly. 
She made a final transfer to Children's National Medical Center in Washington DC for the first of her major operations. My husband, one-year old son and I had left all our belongings in military housing in Germany with the promise that someone would ship everything to us soon. Since we were on a medical TDY status, we had no duty station to call home. We werehomeless until the Ronald McDonald House of Washington DC took us in. They provided shelter that we could afford and food when we needed it. It was a blessing to have a place for our son to take a break from the hospital and just enjoy being a toddler. Julia received wonderful care from some of the world’s top surgeons. She was the miracle child that was supposed to come home. After her first major heart repair, she was given the clearance to receive a new liver. On Monday, October 9th we were informed by our social worker that Julia’s medical bills had just totaled over one million dollars. The following Thursday we were told that she was doing very well so they pulled all of her main lines, including her antibiotics. On Friday she got sick. Saturday, her kidneys shut down and the hospital priest administered last rites. Sadly, our Julia succumbed to a hospital-borne infection that took her life on Tuesday, October 17, 2006. She died in our arms and was carried to Heaven on the wings of a butterfly. 

I always thought it was awesome how the little boy's parents remembered their daughter and spoke of her frequently and that the little boy did as well. It was not something kept hush hush but the little boy had been taught to be proud of his little angel sister. Now, as a widow, I get that so much more. Even then, I thought it was awesome but now I can just appreciate it in a whole new light. People we lose are not secrets, they should be remembered, spoke of often, and we should be proud to know them and tell others of our loved ones in Heaven. The little boy and Julia's mom participates in March for Babies each year, fundraising for the babies, the ones born too soon or born with birth defects, facing many more challenges right at birth. This year, I've joined their team and their quest to raise awareness and money for the babies. After watching my little niece Summer come a bit too soon, and her struggle for life and her earliest days in the NICU, and how she has beat the odds and become a strong little baby, I know it is incredibly important to raise the funds and awareness so other babies can be helped, other families helped.

I would love it if you took a moment to visit my March for Babies site, and if you have a bit of spare change laying around, it would be great if you donated to team Julia Lani in support of all the babies born too soon. Team Julia Lani

Maryland Resident

"It's so weird, we're staying. It's like, we're visiting, except, without the leaving part of the visit"

Some wisdom from my boyfriend about what it means to move to Maryland. Gosh, isn't he full of insight?! Oh that man keeps me laughing, that's for sure.

So, we've made it up to Maryland. I've been so very, very MIA from blog world because life has been pretty busy as far as the move and setting everything up, but I found a second today to pop in and say hi with a quick update in between move things and seeing friends and job/school hunting.

We have the official closing date for our house, this FRIDAY! I have been hoping we might be able to make it earlier (yes, I'm over excited) but it looks like we're set for Friday. Then the real fun begins - the moving in, the organizing, the painting, the setting up. Oi, I can not WAIT! Thanks to Pinterest, I have tons of awesome ideas for the house. I'll be posting photos after closing of my new abode that I will be the owner of (owner - AHHH) but I have refused to post photos until then because I'm terrified of jinxing it.

Besides that kind of stuff, I've just been kind of hanging out at mom's and catching up with friends in between losing my sanity buying a home haha. Of course, my emotions have been on a crazy rollercoaster. I have been trying to articulate it but it's been hard to even put into words the emotions that run through me. Excitement, fear, anxiety, happiness, sadness... emotion words never really seem to sum up true emotion, do they? So instead of trying to define it I've just been living it. Ok, today I'm feeling fsajflfhewr but yesterday I was feeling ahhhh and tomorrow I'll probably feel EEEEEE. See, that's much more like it! Ha.

I do, however, have a bunch of neat stuff coming up, including a virtual scrapbook giveaway (I know many of my readers could totally benefit from this) so stayed tuned, because when my sanity returns so will my blogging!

Hope everyone's well!