What To Say

Sometimes, I blog in my head. Seriously... the way my mind works, a lot of the time I'm thinking the way I'd write it out. I've been head-blogging an update for the past few days. That I've been doing alright. I've been carrying on. It isn't easy, not in the slightest, but I do the only thing I can do and I carry on. I've got lows. I've got some very low lows. But I've been lucky enough to have some... decents too. I call them decents because they aren't really highs but I can find time to laugh and be semi-normal.
Sometimes when this happens I feel awful. How can I be normal when I'm mourning? How can I laugh when laughter will never escape those lips I loved so much again? I am told this is all part of grief, that I shouldn't feel guilty, that I need to carry on with my life, and that it is what Jonny would want. That last part, I know is true. He made me promise before deployment "No Moping!" and I am trying so very, very hard to keep my promise. It ain't easy, but dammit, Jonny Porto, I'm trying.
Tonight, however, I'm just pissed. Anger is an emotion that is always at the back of mind. Angry at the situation, at the choices made... it's expected, it's also part of grief, apparently. But tonight my anger is geared a little different than it is normally. I am angry that this continues to happen to other families. I am angry that I keep learning of another husband, daddy, brother, son, or even wife, mommy, sister... has fallen.
I am not here to make a political standpoint. I consider myself a fairly-well-educated woman, however I do not know enough about politics to speak on it, and I feel if you aren't well educated in a certain area you should not try to debate that subject. That being said, please don't flood me with comments about why we need to be there when I say I want our boys (and girls) OUT of there! I do not want to read about another person, young or old, giving their life in this war. I do not want to hear about more families being torn apart. I do not want any more new widows joining this family that none us of choose to be a part of. I do not want to continue to worry about my friend's husbands, my husband's brothers, my own friends who remain in country. I am just so full of anger toward this whole war. And then, I am back to my everyday anger, I am angry that he is not here any more to tell me it'll be ok. The one person who made things right... gone. Why do there have to keep being more? When is enough, enough?

That being said, it's 0239 and I should be in bed. I'm having trouble sleeping after learning of more fallen Marines, so I'm blogging. I'm supposed to be sleeping because I am going to go running in the morning (yeah, not something I typically do). I am running, though, to honor my husband. To honor all Marines who have given their lives or parts of their lives. I am running a 5k (gasp) for Hope for the Warriors. Since I don't know when I'll be blogging next, I'll take this opportunity to post as well about the Run for the Warriors 5K that my friends and I are taking part in on 15 May 2010. Please take a moment to check out my Hope for the Warriors page and if you are feeling generous, add a donation. I figure if all the people who now follow this blog, plus the people who don't follow and just stop by, donate just ONE DOLLAR, I'd have collected quite a chunk of change to contribute to Hope for the Warriors. Take a second to thank a Warrior who has given his or her life, limb, or general well-being for your freedom.


Semper Fi,

59 comments

  1. Marine Wife- (noun) Toughest Job In The Corps.
    {See also, Mrs. P}

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  2. Rachel, as always, I admire you, and the insane amount of strength you have. ♥

    Like I told you on FB - don't be like me and bust up your foot after your 5K (I did mine with ZERO training/practice and lived to tell about it, but it was painful, so be careful!)

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  3. You are an amazing woman and you have such strength. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going though. The 5K is a wonderful thing to do. My thoughts are with you :)

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  4. Sending love and lots of energy to get ya through that 5k! You're braver than I am!

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  5. The emotions you feel are normal and good! When you stop feeling is when you really need to worry! I am very glad you are still able to Blog through this and get your feelings out! it is important and I know it is hard to do when those around you are grieving as well!! The 5K sounds like a good idea for you! Maybe you will find another outlet for yourself! Be very careful and don't just go out and do it, train carefully!!! There is a program (Free) that you can find through Google it is called the Couch to 5K program I know of many people who used this program and LOVED it and succeeded! Good Luck!!!

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  6. Thinking of you. I wanted to pass on this service I read about on cnn where the artist provides free portraits of the fallen.

    http://edition.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/04/02/war.portraits/index.html?hpt=C1

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  7. One foot in front of the other, breathe....repeat.

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  8. Mrs. P, I am sorry to hear of your loss. I could not even begin to imagine the way you feel or the thoughts that go through your hard. You are a strong woman and keep it up.

    Your little girl is absolutely precious. Be strong for her :)

    Good luck with your 5K. That is such a great way to carry on. Be careful while running!

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  9. i have been praying for you and your precious little girl.
    you are a strong lady!

    i'm proud of you for doing a 5k!!

    i too am an army wife..if you need vent i'm here...

    jennifergetts@yahoo.com

    bless you rachel!!!

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  10. Like many have said before me, you have an extraordinary amount of strength & I look up to you. I don't know how you do it. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family <3

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  11. as always--- there are no good words. Hopefully all will donate- as I did... in honor of your husband (and all others, who as you said have sacrificed themselves).
    My heart goes out to you.

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  12. When I found out my daughter had a fatal heart defect, I went through the same "how can I be normal again" emotions. When I'd laugh, I too felt like it was so wrong. I'd have one happy moment and not even 3 seconds later was the "Your 2 week old is dying" thought that slammed down any joy I might have had. I know it's a completely different situation, but those emotions are normal and they probably won't go away for a long time. My daughter is almost 5 months old and I still have those guilty happy moments.

    You are SO strong. You are living every military wife's nightmare, and you are doing it with a grace and strength I couldn't dream to possess. YOU are my hero. Praying for you and your sweet baby girl.

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  13. ~~When the caterpillar thought it was all over she turned into a beautiful butterfly~~

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  14. Hello. I found your blog through another blog friend. I found it the day you posted the passing of your husband. I just wanted to tell you that Im praying for you and your baby. Im a fellow military wife. Your blogs are a refreshing twist when I read them. Im so very sorry about what your going through. I cant imagine, but I just wanted to let you know that im praying for you and your in my thoughts.

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  15. I never know the right words to say to someone who's grieving so I'll just say that I'm thinking about you and sending prayers. Best of luck in your 5k! Keep taking care of yourself and hopefully soon those decents will turn into highs.

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  16. PS--I nominated you for the milbloggie award! You SOOO deserve to win.

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  17. You are such an amazing woman! I fully support your cause for the 5K. I ran a 5k when I was 6 weeks postpartum for "the fallen". It was the most motivating run I had ever done. I would love to run in the May run as well.. Keep us updated with the details. :) My heart goes to you and your family.

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  18. You're still in our prayers. Good luck with the 5K. Something tells me you'll have a Very Special Marine running right along with you. God Bless.

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  19. Can you please email the information for Operation Dry Socks. I would like to get that up and going with the right information here in Ohio. My friends who are in the military are wanting to send the socks directly over to your husbands group, in honor of him. We are estimating about 2500 pairs (or more).......

    oldgreenb at msn dot com

    and good luck with the run!
    Leeann M

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  20. Be Angry! It's OK!
    What you are going through sucks!
    Please know that I continue to pray for you.
    Way to go for taking up running!

    Jody

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  21. You are in my thoughts and prayers, Anger is a HUGE part of grief.

    Good Luck and thank you for the update!

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  22. I think the 5K is an awesome thing you're doing! I will definitely be by to donate.

    Thinking of you.

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  23. I agree with you, I want them out too! I wish I could heal your pain. ((HUGS)) I am praying for your comfort and strength.

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  24. You are such an inspiration, a strong woman, and a wonderful mother. I think the 5K is such a beautiful thing to participate and pour your energy into. Your husband must be so proud of you!!! I'm sure he'll be right there running with you <3 Semper Fi.

    I'll be making a donation as a fellow Marine wife!

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  25. You are such a wonderful, strong woman, and you do your husband very proud. You do all of us proud.

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  26. I don't think anyone needs to be giving you opinions on why we are or should be over there. If they haven't been in your shoes then only supportive words need to flow out.

    I can say I share your anger about those who are fallen. It breaks my heart every single time I hear of it. I wish we lived in a world where no wife or child or mother or father or anyone had to lose a loved one like this.

    We are praying for you so much as you deal with all these emotions that come with grief. Not just for the hurt to go away but that God will ease the guilt and the anger too.

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  27. You are a great woman, and kudos for you to run the 5K for your husband.

    I agree; I love my military family and I support them 100% and I want them ALL HOME NOW!!! Enough is enough.

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  28. Keeping busy is great! I am glad your doing well and trying to stay positive. Good luck with the 5K and stay positive.

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  29. thinking about you and hoping that you get some sleep rest tonight. Glad that you are running...that is a great thing to do.

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  30. Honey, I think that your anger towards the war, towards everything is completely justified, and I am a Conservative through and through. I would be the same way.
    Good luck with the run, I think that is an amazing thing. I will definitely contribute.

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  31. Sending hugs your way! Good luck on the race! You are so brave and strong!

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  32. I've been following along with your blog, and have left a couple comments. Tonight, I want to say Thank you for Running!! I know the 5k is soon, and I'm so happy you are choosing to participate in this run. I'm thankfuly, because my husband is one of the Wounded Warriors that the Hope for Warriors takes care of providing services for. I'll admit, I rarely take them up on what is available, because I feel like others need it more. My husband has a brain injury, one that others can't see. But WE know the effects. This isn't the man I married, or the dad my older kids grew up with. But others that need help with adjustments to being "home" are who my husband and daughter ran for last year. This year, if we are here, they hope to run again.

    I wish you the best of luck, and hope and pray for you that you will have more and more decents as each day goes by.

    Take Care. and as offered before, should you need anyone local to help in any way.....
    (domino_j_lynne@msn.com)

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  33. I am amazed with your strenght and I am amazed at the fact you are pushing your self to run! You do it girl! You go - you kick its ass and you do it for him and THEM all of them.
    Praying for you from Myrtle Beach!

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  34. "I am just so full of anger toward this whole war."
    I think this is a feeling that many of us carry with us, this nattering at our soul, whether we admit it or not.

    God speed to you and yours. There is no right or wrong when it comes to grieving and feeling. There's just being you, the real you, the spirit your husband saw, fell in love with, continues to see even now, and has the strength to love and raise Ariana.

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  35. ((HUGS)) I've told you many, many times before, and it continues to be true, but I am here for you. If at 2 in the morning you wanna scream at someone, I'm totally here. By the way, this is Hillary Bass (from fb... lol, this is my blogging stuff!)

    And I donated. I'm sure I'll donate again before your 5k. Love you girl. You're an amazingly strong woman...

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  36. Thinking about you and Ariana often.

    Good for you for running the race...good luck!

    Happy Easter

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  37. You're right, Rachel! Anger is a normal part of grieving. It's not the best part, but it happens.

    Case in point: my friend, Jared, passed away last April (it will be one year Tuesday). His was from an O.D. and a mutual friend of ours died from the exact same thing! Same drug, the whole bit. I was so devastated by his death, but then I was pissed. How could he be so stupid?! Our friend, not even 6 months before, died for the same reason! Didn't he learn from that? What's really sad is he checked himself out of rehab on a Friday, and by that Sunday he was gone.

    I'm happy to hear you're having decents! Those are always nice after a tragedy. Keep on truckin', girl. You have all our support :]

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  38. I hope your run was as god for your head as for the cause. You are amazing x :-))

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  39. Girl I feel the same way GET THEM OUT although my husband is still in Basic I have lost ALOT of my fellow class mates and good friends to this war you are RIGHT when is enough ENOUGH?.... Keep your head up girl and I hope you have a GREAT EASTER.

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  40. <3 Whatever kind of lows or decents you're experiencing, hold onto Jesus.
    Thank you for this update, dear; I was wondering how you were doing.
    -hugs

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  41. Way to go Rachel - start fast and finish strong - a favorite quote by a very dear football coach friend that died of brain cancer. We use his motto often. Glad to see you joined us at Soldiers' Angels OTK.

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  42. thoughts are with you this Easter and always, as a military wife with a husband in theater, I cannot imagine how you are feeling right now. Good luck with the 5K what a wonderful thing to focus your energy on right now! Good for you!

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  43. Today, my thoughts are with you. I posted a little about it on my blog, here:
    http://thismormonarmywife.blogspot.com/
    But I just wanted you to know that my thoughts truly are with you and your daughter today. I KNOW without a doubt in my heart that you WILL have the opportunity to one day be with Mr. P again. Through Jesus Christ, whose resurrection we celebrate today, I know - with every fiber of my being - that you will see your husband again.
    All my love as a fellow military wife,
    Ashleigh

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  44. The 5k sounds like a great thing to focus on working towards right now.
    One day at a time, one step at a time, one foot in front of the other.

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  45. running is my absolute most favorite thing to do in the world when i'm angry.

    awesome that you're doing this 5k.

    you are so strong.

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  46. Wow, you are such a strong women! You continue to be in my thoughts and Prayers, I'm so sorry for you loss!

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  47. I don't know how to trackback so I just wanted to let you know I linked to this blog entry. :)

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  48. I love to see I'm not the only one who blogs in my mind...lol. Wishing you much success in your 5k and I know you will do awesome. Hugs to you and that little girl of yours! Thank you for sharing your thoughts!!

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  49. YEY for doing a 5K! YOu can do it!
    So proud of you!
    xooxo I will go check out the donation page! :)

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  50. I blog in my head all the time as well sweetie. I think it's natural for bloggers!

    I think of you each day and my heart also breaks each time I hear of a family who has lost a loved one in the war.

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  51. Please don't post this as a public comment. I don't know how to reach other then here, and I just wanted to share some information. I posted your race information on a forum that I am on for military significant others. Hopefully the girls will be able to help you out with your fundraising, as it is a very worthwhile cause. I wanted to also tell you that if you are interested myself and the site admin would love to have you. But we completely understand if you do not. If you are interested at all, let me know. My email is em_n_em315@hotmail.com. My prayers are with you and your daugter daily.

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  52. I think that Anger is the hardest of the 5 grieving phases to go through. There is anger that is directed in so many ways and with that anger comes guilt if you wind up misdirecting the anger. I think that running is a great way for you to relieve the anger. Run with purpose! I am donating. I am also putting a little something on my blog.
    I blog in my mind a lot too. I also keep a little book in case I am away from the computer and something jumps into my head that I may want to blog later.
    I too would be interested in doing a donation for the SOCKS thing and if you could get me more information. I would love to do a SOCK hop or some other form of a collection drive at our local church.
    Thinking of you daily and praying for you and little A.

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  53. I think about you and Ariana all the time and wonder how you're both doing. Holidays and birthdays can be difficult times of the year and I thought about the two of you on Easter.

    It seems as though a lot of us admire your strength, but there are moments when it's okay not to be strong. That is all part of your healing process. And then after the moment passes, you pull yourself together again, take a deep breath, and move forward.

    You can do this Rachel...we all know you can.

    I can only imagine the thoughts that will be going through your head as you run this race. I hope one of those thoughts will be of how all your blog followers support and care about you.

    We'll be with you every step of the way.

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  54. Good luck on training for your 5k! You have a huge support system behind you.

    I made a donation in memory of your husband.

    My prayers are with you, your daughter, and family. Stay strong ♥

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  55. I have no idea how you do it. Really. I'd be in pieces. You really set an amazing role model for others.

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  56. Rachel,
    i understand completely about how you feel. It's natural...
    Have fun training...
    I am praying for y'all! you WILL see Jonny again - in a place where there is no war, no death, no suffering, but where Jesus Christ reigns eternally. Don't lose faith, don't give up, keep on fighting! Give that precious little girl of yours a hug for me tonight... and remember that God is always with you! He is walking through this valley with you.
    Blessings in Him,
    Charity
    {if you need a listening ear, i'm here! ;) you can email me at missbear@skybeam.com if you want... keep on going girl!!! }
    HUGS!!!!!! <3
    Thank you... for letting your husband go, knowing that he might very well die. It's because of men like him - and women & families back home like you - that our country is safe. Praying...

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  57. Head-blogging... what a great way to describe it. I haven't posted anything on my blog in a long time- but I've "head-blogged" every day!

    Even if you head-blog, you're still getting the thoughts out. Keep going.

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  58. Rachel,
    I am amazed that you can be so strong and take your grief and do such a beautiful and positive thing with it. My heart breaks with every word I read, I too, wish I could take away your pain and anger... time will ease them, but know that all of your military "family" is here for your in heart, soul, and spirit with love and hugs!

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