Not What I Intended, Total Vent + EDIT

This is not the Christmas post I intended on writing, but I need to vent and I need to vent now. And I know some of the people I'm venting about will read this and that helps a little because I need to get it out in hopes that maybe, just maybe I will be heard.

Why is it that when tragedy strikes, friends think it gives them the entitlement to act like total and complete douchebags? I know I've talked about this before, but it still gets to me and it continues and I am just... I'm angry now. Just about every widow I've talked to... well actually, I don't think there's one who hasn't gone through this... has similar stories. People walking out on them, people being down right mean. What gives?! Is this human nature? To see someone suffering and just be assholes?

I get it. Being friends with a widowed person is not always easy. Did I completely lose my mind? Yes. Did I lose part of myself? Yes. Was I not always the best person? Yes. But I can guarentee that I am trying my fucking best to deal with what I've been given. Having bad days, making what some may think are bad decisions, completely losing your mind - it's all part of this. I didn't just lose my husband, the love of my life, my soul mate. I lost part of myself with him. And with that, I lost the future we'd planned, everything we had hoped for and looked forward to. It's not just a person who isn't there anymore, it's my entire life that is different now, without any say from me. I didn't ask for this.When you lose the love of your life and the future you'd intended to have your entire world changes and nothing makes sense. You struggle to keep your head above water and you don't think straight. And that's why you need good friends there to guide you, to listen, to not pass judgement, to just be there even if it's in silence. Even if you can't think straight enough to remember to call them regularly, just fucking be there. Walking out, disappearing, being mean and perpetuating rumors are not the ways to be a good friend to a widowed person or a person going through any tragedy for that matter. The sad part is, it's the people who say things like "I will always be there for you" or "whatever you need" that are the first to close the door in your face. Maybe some people can't handle it, they can't take the sadness, they're afraid of what they would do in the same situation or they don't think they would handle it the way you did and don't like the way you choose to live. News flash - you have NO IDEA how you will handle it until you're walking in those shoes. And then how you do handle it, how you continue to live because it is the only choice you have will surprise even yourself.

I just don't get it, I could never imagine walking out on a friend in so much pain. Or saying that I'd always be there but not keeping my word. I guess that's the part that gets me the most - haven't I had enough promises broken? I suppose this whole thing has started to leave me jaded. I have little trust in people anymore. I don't put my whole heart into many people anymore because so many have just walked out when I needed them there the most. It's like they think I should be better. I'm not going to be better, or the same. Ever. I will always be "different." I will always miss him and I will always grieve. The grief will get lighter but it doesn't change that I am now a new person. A widowed person. And until you are a widowed person you will never, ever understand what that means. So what you really should do is be nice to everyone because you never know if and/or when you may end up in their shoes and if and/or when you do end up in their shoes (and I'm not just talking about my shoes I'm talking about anyone's, any undesirable situation) you'll have to understand and you'll wish you weren't such a dick to that person.

To the people who have stuck around, who have seen the best and worst of this journey and who have chosen to stay in my life and help me find my new person even if I've fallen down a few (or more) times, you mean the world to me. I hope you never have to learn how important friendship is when tragedy hits. I am forever grateful to those who said they'd be there no matter what and actually meant it. For the ones who, even if they had to give me a nice dose of tough love, stood by my side. And for the new friends I've made along this path who met me even through my crazy and still thought I was neat enough to get to know me now. Even though I'm a widow wanted to be my friend because of the person that I am. Thank you too.

Here is to the dawn of a new year. Leaving some of the shit storm of 2010 behind and the shitty people with it. The people who are meant to be in your life will remain and everyone else...? Learn from 'em and then... fuck 'em. Less angry post to come later. Promise.



EDIT
Wanted to address a comment:
It sucks that you feel abandoned and disregarded. I often "hear" in your posts, me, me, me, me. YOU should take care of yourself, but you can't expect to be everyone's priority. You should have people around you who will support you, but you can't expect anyone to drop what they are doing because you are having a difficult time.

I have been through my own set of tragedies, and I have often been very hurt by the reaction of those around me because I felt like I needed more. The bottom line is, however, I wanted their lives to stop because mine did. Looking back, I should not have expected that. As time moves forward, you are going to get less and less support because people get tired of hearing about it. It is the reality of the situation.

Let me just say, I never, ever asked anyone to drop anything for me. Ever. I told my friends who couldn't make it to my husband's funeral that it was ok, that I understood. I was appreciative towards the ones who were with me but I held nothing against the ones who couldn't physically be there. I said from the beginning that I knew their guys were going to come home and their lives would return to normal and yet they assured me they'd be here, if even just by phone, when I needed them. I know damn well that friends can't drop everything and I would never, ever expect anyone too, but to completely walk out - that's a different story. I knew no one else's life would stop, me just living is proof of that - if my own life didn't stop, why would anyone else's? And if they're not there for me because "they're tired of hearing about it," then they weren't ever really my friend, because whether or not they want to hear about it, it's my life and even though such and such time as passed and I'm supposed to be "better" I still hurt. True friends can see and feel that and still have the compassion to listen every now and then. You don't know the exact situation that sparked this so I'd rather you not judge what I'm upset over. I keep things vague in order to not make a bigger deal than I need to to get my point across. The reason you might hear about me, me, me, me on my blog is, well let's see... maybe because it's my blog?? My space for talking about what's bothering me, how I'm handling things, what I wish for, what I want. And I think I do a good deal thinking about others and trying to take care of everything and everyone else, hence my need to always make everyone happy leading to out of control stress levels, but you don't see that, do you? Thanks for judging and making assumptions, and then not even having the balls to leave your name. Makes my point that much more clear.