Dream World

Dreams can do crazy things. Especially when a deceased loved one is involved.

I have had a multitude of dreams about Jonathan since his passing. Most of them, unfortunately, are horrible. I've probably touched on this before but for lack of memory skills and motivation to look through all my blogs, I'm going there again.

I've had dreams where Jonny comes home but doesn't want to be with us. In fact, wants nothing to do with us. In one particular one, he did everything he could to be deployed again. I've had others where I've had to explain my life to him and he hated me. I remember "They told me you were dead" being a quote from many a dream where I'm trying to explain why I'm with Zach or why I've dated. I couldn't get through to him that the Marine Corps insisted he had died in combat and I'd even seen his body at the funeral. Some dreams I have he never died but he also never even deployed. He wanted to get away from us. In one, he moved back down to Florida. Completely changed his identity so we couldn't find him, even though we did. I was crushed that he would just bail out on us like that. In another, he was a secret spy for Afghanistan. He told me his whole life was me was nothing but a lie, a mere coverup for his mission, and that we meant nothing to him. Talk about pain to the heart.

I have the dreams where I know I'm dreaming and they just seem so dumb to be having in the first place. I wake up wondering why I can't just let myself go and feel his presence. I have ones where he's alive but I have to keep telling him (telling myself, more like it  I believe) that's he's gone.
I have good dreams too, occasionally. Those more often than not are the ones where I know I'm dreaming, though, so they're not as authentic.

Last night, I actually had a good one. The sad thing about the good ones is that they still leave you feeling kind of crappy upon waking up. Having to realize it was just a dream. It was still worth it though. Last night, he came home. I did end up telling him that they had told me he had died, but it wasn't because I was explaining my life and it wasn't because he was mean. He was so happy. He knew they'd told me but he was just so happy to be back with us. We hugged. And today, I can still feel his arms around me. He kissed me, and for the first time in years I am reminded exactly of what his lips feel like against mine. Oh, how I've missed that feeling and now it is fresh in my mind. I ran my hand through his hair and my hands tingle knowing the slightly scratchy feeling I felt just last night.
He played with Ariana. She knew exactly who he was (as she always does) and she called him daddy. She was so happy to see her daddy and to have her mommy and daddy together. That is a feeling that I can't shake today. I don't want to. It was absolutely amazing. I'll never know that feeling but that dream gave me just the insight that I needed. He loved her so much. He held her tight, he threw her in the air. It was all so natural. And none of it felt like a dream. I can't emphasize how real it felt. Even his warmth. His weight around me. We were hanging out at a friend's house, one that I actually met after Jonny died. It was really random to be there, but she was very excited to meet him. We all just hung out. He played with his daughter and I watched and smiled. And cried. And laughed. It was perfect. It was everything I'd been missing the last two and a half years. Then of course wake up came. And I was here in my house in MD, not in NC. There was no Jonny. Just me and my broken heart,  a gloomy day to match the sudden loneliness that sunk in as I opened my eyes.  What I wouldn't give to actually have that moment...

It's hard having a dream that gives me what I desire most then waking up to have it all gone again. I am grateful though, because for however long it lasted last night, I had it. It was so so amazing. Maybe I'll be able to close my eyes and relive that dream for a while. Not without some tears of course, but they're worth it.

Oh how I miss him so much. Almost three years later and it still aches to my bones and deeper. Maybe my life has changed, maybe it appears that I've "moved on" but I still miss him. The same, if not more, than the day I found out. Hell, since the day he left for deployment. I'd still give nearly anything in the world to have him (the only exception being my baby girl). Some people might find it ridiculous. Many don't understand. But there is a hole in my heart. It will never be filled. No matter how much time passes, no matter who walks in or out of my lift, there will always be this hole and this ache.

Oh my Stinky, I miss you so much. And I will always, always love you. To the moon and back, forever and ever babe.

All My Friends Are Getting Married...

and I'm just getting wasted...
and I'm just getting more awesome...
and I'm just staying the same!

These jokes always crack me up. Especially this year, man is 2012 the year for weddings in my circle of friends. And if one were to take advantage of the number of open bars at the weddings I've attended, one would certainly be wasted. I, however unfortunately, haven't really taken great advantage of that since I always have to drive home, but I could if I had a ride. Then it would be My friends are getting married and I"m getting wasted, literally...

Anyway, enough about open bars, this is about weddings (yeah, yeah they go hand-in-hand). A lot of my friends have or are getting married this year, and another handful have gotten engaged this year. 2012 is a year for LOVE! Or maybe that it's just I'm creeping up on being, ahem, 26 years old and so it's around that time that people to start settling down with their significant others. Hey, I know, I married pretty young, what can I say.

A friend of mine (forgive me I can't remember which) asked me if going to all these weddings, hearing about all these engagements, was upsetting. If it was hard for me with Jonny gone to see all these people around me happy and in love, basically.
The short answer to that is No.
But the question certainly got me thinking.

Should it? Should it be hard for me to be around other people so in love when my love can't be here with me? I don't think so. I am so happy for my friends who are getting/have gotten recently married. I am ecstatic that I get to see that joy and love on their faces, shared with their loves, that I once had. That I still carry in my heart.

Is it tough? Sometimes. I wish that Jonny were there to celebrate my friends' marriages with me. We did get to attend one couple of friends of ours wedding shortly after we were married. We had a blast. Jonny was so much fun and such an amazing wedding date. We would have had a blast this year at all these weddings, for sure.

Sometimes it's hard hearing certain songs. It still pangs my heart when I hear Canon in D, the song I walked down the aisle to. Ava Maria, Walking on Sunshine, those were big songs in our wedding. And of course OUR song, THE song, "Can't Help Falling in Love" by Elvis. That one is tough. So far, so good - it hasn't been anyone's song yet. Eventually it may and I'll cross that bridge when I come to it (probably with a few good tears, I rarely get through that song without tears since). But yes, there are some parts that are tough.

But I want it very clear - it is not tough because I am not happy for my friends, or because I can't stand seeing others happy or a "why do they get what was taken from me" sort of thing, as some may think. It's tough because it brings back memories. Happy memories, definitely, but difficult memories none the less because I miss them. There is no ill will from me toward any happy newlyweds. Heck, I was once a happy newly wed too - it's an AWESOME feeling. I hope that my friends feel just as awesome as I did back then. That they feel that love from their new spouse and the promise, hope, and excitement their vows and the embarking on a new life bring. That is the exciting part about weddings - the sparkle in the newly weds eyes, the promise of an exciting new future. It's beautiful and amazing and I love being there to share in it.

I am a sucker for weddings, I love them. I love love. Even without my love here on earth with me, I love it. I miss him, but it doesn't change the fact that I also love my friends and am happy for them finding their happiness.
So yeah, it's a little tough when I hear certain songs or have certain memories, but no I wouldn't say it's hard or upsetting, per se - it's fun and exciting!

So to all my 2012 Newly Weds and New Engagees (not a real word...) Congratulations! May your life be full of love, laughter, happiness, and just enough tears to keep you grateful!

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