Dream World

Dreams can do crazy things. Especially when a deceased loved one is involved.

I have had a multitude of dreams about Jonathan since his passing. Most of them, unfortunately, are horrible. I've probably touched on this before but for lack of memory skills and motivation to look through all my blogs, I'm going there again.

I've had dreams where Jonny comes home but doesn't want to be with us. In fact, wants nothing to do with us. In one particular one, he did everything he could to be deployed again. I've had others where I've had to explain my life to him and he hated me. I remember "They told me you were dead" being a quote from many a dream where I'm trying to explain why I'm with Zach or why I've dated. I couldn't get through to him that the Marine Corps insisted he had died in combat and I'd even seen his body at the funeral. Some dreams I have he never died but he also never even deployed. He wanted to get away from us. In one, he moved back down to Florida. Completely changed his identity so we couldn't find him, even though we did. I was crushed that he would just bail out on us like that. In another, he was a secret spy for Afghanistan. He told me his whole life was me was nothing but a lie, a mere coverup for his mission, and that we meant nothing to him. Talk about pain to the heart.

I have the dreams where I know I'm dreaming and they just seem so dumb to be having in the first place. I wake up wondering why I can't just let myself go and feel his presence. I have ones where he's alive but I have to keep telling him (telling myself, more like it  I believe) that's he's gone.
I have good dreams too, occasionally. Those more often than not are the ones where I know I'm dreaming, though, so they're not as authentic.

Last night, I actually had a good one. The sad thing about the good ones is that they still leave you feeling kind of crappy upon waking up. Having to realize it was just a dream. It was still worth it though. Last night, he came home. I did end up telling him that they had told me he had died, but it wasn't because I was explaining my life and it wasn't because he was mean. He was so happy. He knew they'd told me but he was just so happy to be back with us. We hugged. And today, I can still feel his arms around me. He kissed me, and for the first time in years I am reminded exactly of what his lips feel like against mine. Oh, how I've missed that feeling and now it is fresh in my mind. I ran my hand through his hair and my hands tingle knowing the slightly scratchy feeling I felt just last night.
He played with Ariana. She knew exactly who he was (as she always does) and she called him daddy. She was so happy to see her daddy and to have her mommy and daddy together. That is a feeling that I can't shake today. I don't want to. It was absolutely amazing. I'll never know that feeling but that dream gave me just the insight that I needed. He loved her so much. He held her tight, he threw her in the air. It was all so natural. And none of it felt like a dream. I can't emphasize how real it felt. Even his warmth. His weight around me. We were hanging out at a friend's house, one that I actually met after Jonny died. It was really random to be there, but she was very excited to meet him. We all just hung out. He played with his daughter and I watched and smiled. And cried. And laughed. It was perfect. It was everything I'd been missing the last two and a half years. Then of course wake up came. And I was here in my house in MD, not in NC. There was no Jonny. Just me and my broken heart,  a gloomy day to match the sudden loneliness that sunk in as I opened my eyes.  What I wouldn't give to actually have that moment...

It's hard having a dream that gives me what I desire most then waking up to have it all gone again. I am grateful though, because for however long it lasted last night, I had it. It was so so amazing. Maybe I'll be able to close my eyes and relive that dream for a while. Not without some tears of course, but they're worth it.

Oh how I miss him so much. Almost three years later and it still aches to my bones and deeper. Maybe my life has changed, maybe it appears that I've "moved on" but I still miss him. The same, if not more, than the day I found out. Hell, since the day he left for deployment. I'd still give nearly anything in the world to have him (the only exception being my baby girl). Some people might find it ridiculous. Many don't understand. But there is a hole in my heart. It will never be filled. No matter how much time passes, no matter who walks in or out of my lift, there will always be this hole and this ache.

Oh my Stinky, I miss you so much. And I will always, always love you. To the moon and back, forever and ever babe.