I've Been Missing

Sorry guys, didn't mean to worry you. The last couple weeks have been supremely busy. I had some 1/6 widsters stay with me last week and the memorial was this weekend. The week before that was probably not "busy" my mind has just been so cluttered.

Shit's gotten real. There's no other way I can put it. Hold on, before I go there, let me back track.

Widster time was pretty nice. We laughed together, cried together. Shared our notification stories. I got to show my videos of my babe, read my notes... we looked at pictures. We drank some alcohol some nights and didn't other nights and hung out and just enjoyed being in the company of others who "get it."
We prepared together for a weekend that would make everything a bit more real, a bit more final. And that is exactly what it did.

We had a memorial dinner. The battalion gave us spouses Eagle, Globe and Anchor necklaces. They are beautiful but of course I cried upon unwrapping and discovering what it was. I also cried in the middle of dinner because there were 10 guys who should have been sitting there with us. 10 guys we all miss so much that we wish we didn't have to have that dinner in the first place. Silent tears, but tears none the less. Jonny's CO talked to me a little about the accident, but he couldn't give me much info because he wasn't there that night.
A guy that was in the truck behind his gave me details from that perspective earlier on in the week and also a photo. No, I hadn't asked for the photo, I wasn't expecting it, he brought some other photos and that one took me completely by surprise. He was trying to help. I think they understand we want all the details of our husbands last moments, but a photo was definitely not something I was searching for. Can't blame him though, but it certainly sucked.

Friday was the memorial. It was basically the hottest day of the year and I thought I was just going to melt into the ground at any given moment. There were several moments I wish I could have... It was tough. I sobbed. I could say it was harder than the funeral events, but I don't really remember them. I say I think it was harder though, because it was real. All the guys were there except the ones we were wishing so hard for to be there. And now that the period I call the "fog" has lifted, it definitely felt more real than anything. Four months out and it is finally hitting me - he is not coming home to me. Ever. Reality fucking blows (I think I've said that before).
It was beautifully done though. Many people had nice things to say and paid their respects to Jonny's field cross. I had thought of getting a sitter for Ariana but I decided against it. I want to tell her when she is older that she was a part of everything. She came to every single event for her dad and was never left out.

After the memorial was a luncheon at the O Club. It was really nice and the food was tasty, a few friends and I joked that we could get used to eating there. The battalion had these really nice pencil sketches done of each of the guys which they presented to us there, along with dog tags and a folded flag. This was a flag that was flown in Marjah on Memorial Day for all of the fallen angels of 1/6. They also gave us a little certificate that had said a few things but the line I remember most is "This flag was flown in the face of the enemy..." I find this flag incredibly special. Then the CO that was in the truck during the accident sat down and talked with Jonny's mom and I, told us what happened basically step by step. It was so hard to hear and I'm not going to get into details on here but it's definitely a conversation I will probably never forget - at least not certain details of it. There are still things I just don't get - I probably never will.

I got a migraine Friday night after it was done and worked through it with no meds. Ok, that's a little lie, I did take an Exedrine (which typically doesn't even touch the edges of my migraines) after the numbness and vision issues were over. Then I slept off the rest. It was a physically and emotionally exhausting weekend and I feel like I could sleep for months... years. If only I had that option.

I know this post is pretty erratic, but I'm tired and there was just so much going on. I'm so sad. Everything is so real and so final. I spent some time reading old posts from my blogs I had before this one. I was so full of hope. I just knew that our life together would be long. It would difficult, but I knew that it would be a long one. Filled with trials and tribulations that I was ready to take head on.

Staff Sergeant said in his speech about Jonny that when they got home from their training in California he met me and I was "in full control." I only wish I could say that now. Everything is out of control, and there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing, absolutely nothing, will change this. I am stuck. I am stuck here living without the one person who made my life complete. And I fucking hate it! I hate it.

I just don't think people get how much I love him. And how empty and lonely and sad I am without him. We had hopes and dreams and a future. We had the world in front of us. And this is not fair. It's just not fair. He should be here, he should be helping me raise Ariana, spending time with her, with us. Holding her, holding me. I hate seeing families together because mine will never, ever be complete. Wanna tell me that I'll probably find love again? Maybe I will. Maybe I won't. But either way, my family and my heart will never be complete because the one thing I loved most in this world, the one person who made my life truly worth living is gone. Now, it's Ariana. She makes my life worth living. But I'm so sad. I'm so, so very sad without him.

I want to be happy and I do what I can to appear that way on most days but it just seems after all this memorial stuff, the finality of it all, I've just hit a very low point. That point where you just want to curl up in a hole. Curl up and wait. For the inevitable. To see him again. But I CAN'T! I do not have that option. And that, to me, isn't fair either. I don't want to be a broken mother for my daughter but sometimes I'm afraid that's all I can give her. I can't give her her father and I don't know how much of me is left. I don't even feel like me anymore. I will give her everything that I have left though, I can promise her that. I will give her anything that remains here, but lately thinking about it, I'm not sure how much that is. They say that time heals all wounds but I know I'll never be perfectly healed. I just hope over time there's more of me to give. I promise to always do my best and always be the best mom I can but I'm terrified that it's not going to be good enough. What if time gets unbearable? I see time as a very scary thing. Over time, I will realize it's been longer and longer and longer since I've seen him. I'm afraid he will fade and I will begin to fade with him. I guess I've got to remain hopeful that I will gain strength, somewhere. I pray that he will continue to give me strength and he will never let himself fade. And I know that Ariana will give me strength and I will always have him in her, and I will always tell her of him. But what if that's not enough?

We can play what if's all day, but no one has the answers. I suppose all that's left to do is jump in head first and do my best. My very, very best. I just pray my best is good enough. And I pray one day it doesn't hurt as bad, because right now, it's killer. I've never hurt so bad in my life.

There's a thousand more things I want to talk about, but I'm drained and I'm not making any sense. Way to go on the super depressing post after being MIA so long... sorry guys, it's all I've got right now...