Mom post

I need to talk about my daughter for a second. Not only is she the most gorgeous creature on the planet (I might be a little biased) but she is sooo smart, and funny, and just all around awesome.

Right now, she is using her bike helmet as a cradle for her "baby." Even though she has a thousand baby dolls (give or take), her baby at this moment is a strand of garland and a scrapbooking heart shaped hole punch. She is rocking her baby and feeding her baby. Just now she told me her baby was hot and needed to cool down. How does she do this? She grabs oven mits off the counter and puts them over the helmet. You know, because we use oven mits for things that are hot. How clever is that?

Tonight at dinner I was talking to my sister and I said how I didn't even really want to make cookies not thinking A was really paying attention. She cocks her little head at me and says, "I DO!" It's not as funny written out. The way she enunciated and just looked at me. I couldn't help but laugh.

The things this girl comes up with. Mom asked her to do something the other day, she put her hand up in a little salute and said "Ay, ay Captain Grandma!" Then she comes up to me another day, bows and waves her hand majestically and says, "Hellooooo Princess Mommy!" Where does she get this stuff?

She is so neat and never ceases to make me giggle. Even on days when she is in a mood, I will laugh at least once. These are the moments I want to remember. Mommy hood is the most awesome thing in life. Period.

The Big Black Hole

I've been missing. Not from blogger only, but from life in general. I've had friends checking in on me because they haven't heard from me. People are wondering where I've been, if I'm ok. Luckily facebook lets everyone know I'm alive because I still manage to post statuses and photos, but I've just been kind of absent.

It's this time of year. Frankly, it kicks my ass. And I haven't really wanted to share with anyone. So I've just dug this nice big black hole and crawled into it. It's not anything against any of my friends, it's nothing personal, I've just wanted to disappear. I mean, is it spring yet? Geesh.

I have been so sad I physically hurt. The other night my throat, neck, chest... it was just in pain. You'd think almost three years later and a lifetime of craziness within those three years would lead to it being a bit easier, a bit less. Nope. Still ass-kicking. Lately, looking at photos of Jonny makes me feel ill. It's a terrible, terrible feeling but ya can't help what you feel. I just look at him and want to wretch knowing I'll never hold him on Earth again. It's hitting hard this year. Ugh it's so tough.

On top of that crushing sadness, I've just had a lot going on. I've been under quite a bit of stress. So I just kind of hide away. Sometimes I feel like I'm pestering people with my sadness and my stress. So I just keep it in and deal with it, but in so doing neglect some of the people who really do care. Much to my chagrin, the world kept going after Jonny's death. I think part of me really expected it to come to a screaching halt. There was no way the world could still spin after his sudden and violent removable from earth. But it did. And people still have lives. Hell, I still have a life (sorta). And life has kept going and moved on. But part of me is stuck. And it's hard to express that to people who are still living normally that I'm still stuck and struggling. Sometimes I think people genuinely don't understand how I can "still" be in so much pain. How certain songs can still make me completely break down. Certain flowers, certain smells, certain memories, television shows and movies, certain anythings can just make me lose it. So I hide and I wait it out and I make impossible wishes and I await the spring.

So, I guess I just wanted to let everyone know that I am still here. And yes, things are tough for me right now and my heart aches and I'm stressed. But I'm okay and I will be okay.

Side note, as I'm writing this and Michael Buble's "Hold On" comes on Pandora. What's up God-wink from my sweetie. Haha, never heard this song but the minute I actually started paying attention the lyrics, "There's a thousand ways for things to fall apart, but it's no one's fault, no it's not my fault. And maybe all the plans we made may not work out but I have no doubt even though it's hard to see, I've got faith in us, I believe in you and me. So Hold on to me tight, hold on, I promise it'll be alright."

And with this, I leave you with another song I heard today that I often think of when I'm sad.

Smile though your heart is aching Smile even though it's breaking When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by If you smile through your fear and sorrow Smile and maybe tomorrow You'll see the sun come shining through for you 
Light up your face with gladness Hide every trace of sadness Although a tear may be ever so near That's the time you must keep on trying Smile, what's the use of crying? You'll find that life is still worthwhile If you just smile 
That's the time you must keep on trying Smile, what's the use of crying? You'll find that life is still worthwhile If you just smile 

End of a Quarter Century

My twenty-fifth year has come to a close. Happy birthday to me, happy birthday Mrs. P. Happy birthday you old bag... happy birthday to me!

Twenty Five has been a pretty good year. Certainly an eventful year, mostly with good events. Some not great events. Fortunately nothing too disastrous.

In year 25, I bought my first home. I left North Carolina where I'd been calling home for 3 years and returned to Maryland, which had been home for many year prior. After purchasing my home, I started the task of farming. Making a garden and growing my own food. Well our food. Had lots of help with that endeavor. I broke up with my first serious boyfriend since Jonathan's death. I survived the second angelversary. We celebrated many firsts in our home, including our first set of holidays - Easter, Thanksgiving, and soon Christmas. I purchased two rescued thoroughbreds and embarked on making a great home for them. The boyfriend returned and I gave him a second chance. I started riding again. I brainstormed many projects. I started giving light to the thousands of ideas swimming around in my brain (maybe one day they will get to appear here). I rescued a pup. I had my first fall in years and the second set of bone fractures in my life. I broke up with the boyfriend again. I made some new friends. I reconnected with old friends. I had to choose to cut ties with other friends. I went to nine million weddings. And enjoyed myself. I lost and found my book of letters from Jonny. I got closer with my best friend and survived our first disagreement. I went on a couple dates. I did crafts with my daughter. I got closer to my daughter. I grew closer with my parents. I survived another year of toddlerhood. I actually did Christmas cards. I began a healthy eating lifestyle and have been really good at it. I started going back to therapy. I was a crappy blogger. I enrolled my daughter in a mommy and me class. I took chances. I got hurt. I lived another year.

It really wasn't that bad, looking back. I've had ups and downs, but each day brings it's own ups and downs, let alone each year. I'm pretty proud of how far I've come. I feel that age really is making me wiser and I certainly see things differently than I did last year. I'm learning what is important in life and what deserves to be let go. I am finally cherishing life again. Somedays, it's really hard, but I'm doing it.

While I'm really excited to see what 26 will bring me, I'm also struggling with it a bit. Jonathan was 26 when he died. He was 26 and 16 days. Now of course I don't know if I will live another 16 days, but it appears I will outlive him. And for some reason this is really bothering me. I don't want to die in the next 16 days, either, and I don't want the world to end for those thinking about that... it's just... weird. I guess it goes back to if I do age and get old... I don't know... I'll be old and gray and he'll still be 26. And it will have been so long since I'd seen him and he, me... Oi, this is harder to put into words than I thought. I know I'm not guaranteed this and hopefully I'm not writing this prematurely (I'm always afraid of jinxing things too soon, so as a note to the Man upstairs I do realize I'm not guaranteed anything so please don't feel the need to teach me a lesson about speaking too soon...) but it's just something on my mind as I hit 26. I don't know. So, I guess what I'll do is live this year even more to the fullest. And the one after that. And each one I am given. Because life certainly is a gift not to be taken for granted. I'm lucky I've gotten these first 26 years and I hope I get another and another after that. And maybe even one or 2 more sets. I'm not good at math. Did I just put myself at 200? I don't know. You get my drift though? It's late. And I'm officially old and senility has set in. Can't use that as an excuse yet? Damn. Okay... I'll just go with it's late.

Anyway, that's my birthday post. I didn't mean to drag it down so much. This time of year is rough. So dumb. I'm going to bed now.

Semper Fi,
Mrs. P

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