The Big Black Hole

I've been missing. Not from blogger only, but from life in general. I've had friends checking in on me because they haven't heard from me. People are wondering where I've been, if I'm ok. Luckily facebook lets everyone know I'm alive because I still manage to post statuses and photos, but I've just been kind of absent.

It's this time of year. Frankly, it kicks my ass. And I haven't really wanted to share with anyone. So I've just dug this nice big black hole and crawled into it. It's not anything against any of my friends, it's nothing personal, I've just wanted to disappear. I mean, is it spring yet? Geesh.

I have been so sad I physically hurt. The other night my throat, neck, chest... it was just in pain. You'd think almost three years later and a lifetime of craziness within those three years would lead to it being a bit easier, a bit less. Nope. Still ass-kicking. Lately, looking at photos of Jonny makes me feel ill. It's a terrible, terrible feeling but ya can't help what you feel. I just look at him and want to wretch knowing I'll never hold him on Earth again. It's hitting hard this year. Ugh it's so tough.

On top of that crushing sadness, I've just had a lot going on. I've been under quite a bit of stress. So I just kind of hide away. Sometimes I feel like I'm pestering people with my sadness and my stress. So I just keep it in and deal with it, but in so doing neglect some of the people who really do care. Much to my chagrin, the world kept going after Jonny's death. I think part of me really expected it to come to a screaching halt. There was no way the world could still spin after his sudden and violent removable from earth. But it did. And people still have lives. Hell, I still have a life (sorta). And life has kept going and moved on. But part of me is stuck. And it's hard to express that to people who are still living normally that I'm still stuck and struggling. Sometimes I think people genuinely don't understand how I can "still" be in so much pain. How certain songs can still make me completely break down. Certain flowers, certain smells, certain memories, television shows and movies, certain anythings can just make me lose it. So I hide and I wait it out and I make impossible wishes and I await the spring.

So, I guess I just wanted to let everyone know that I am still here. And yes, things are tough for me right now and my heart aches and I'm stressed. But I'm okay and I will be okay.

Side note, as I'm writing this and Michael Buble's "Hold On" comes on Pandora. What's up God-wink from my sweetie. Haha, never heard this song but the minute I actually started paying attention the lyrics, "There's a thousand ways for things to fall apart, but it's no one's fault, no it's not my fault. And maybe all the plans we made may not work out but I have no doubt even though it's hard to see, I've got faith in us, I believe in you and me. So Hold on to me tight, hold on, I promise it'll be alright."

And with this, I leave you with another song I heard today that I often think of when I'm sad.

Smile though your heart is aching Smile even though it's breaking When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by If you smile through your fear and sorrow Smile and maybe tomorrow You'll see the sun come shining through for you 

Light up your face with gladness Hide every trace of sadness Although a tear may be ever so near That's the time you must keep on trying Smile, what's the use of crying? You'll find that life is still worthwhile If you just smile 

That's the time you must keep on trying Smile, what's the use of crying? You'll find that life is still worthwhile If you just smile