Night Haunts

Why is it that I can never have pleasant dreams of my husband? Maybe memories or simply just visits? They're always so eerie, sometimes down right creepy. And they always leave me feeling on edge. Last night, I dreamed of him. I dreamed, like I do sometimes, that he wasn't dead. These are always the creepiest ones because in the dreams I basically find out I've been living a lie. Once, I dreamed he wasn't dead but was a spy or something for Afghanistan - in short - a bad guy. In that one he told me he'd never loved me and our whole life together was a lie, a cover up. I know that one was completely ridiculous but it still left me feeling on edge.

Last night was a bit different. He had come home and came to me. I lost my breath and hugged him so tight. (These are the good parts). I hugged him, I felt his arms around me. It was amazing. I kept saying "they told me you were dead, they told me you were dead." He kind of laughed it off and recounted what really happened. Some long winded story about getting mixed up for someone else (which I know isn't possible because I saw him at the viewing, and may have come from the fact that Pearl Harbor was on yesterday). Then, he immediately started training for another deployment. Except he didn't really have to. This is the weird part. He wasn't him, he was off. It was like he didn't wanna be around us. I remember something about camping out in my parents' driveway (that's where training was taking place?!) and I was longing to be down there with him, but even though I was so close, he wouldn't let me. Then there was a part where I remembered Zach and I was like Crap, I've got to explain Zach to him. I don't remember if I did or did not I just remember it being a concern. Now, after sitting and typing it all out, it doesn't sound too bad. I got to see him and hug him. But I guess the worst part is the confusion. In all these dreams where I find out he's alive, the confusion is so much it chokes me. I don't know...

I guess they are all dreams of longing. Another one I had once I found out he was alive and had never deployed. That he was in Florida basically hiding out (and UA I imagine) and when I tried to get ahold of him he wouldn't talk to me. Another one, he was in the hospital ill. And then bad guys chased me around trying to get his ashes (yeah, super weird... he was alive and dead in that one?!) But all in all, in them I find out he's alive and I am overwhelmed with both joy and utter amounts of confusion. And in the end I wake up, he's still gone. There's no lie. There's just me, longing for him, wishing my life were different and that I would wake up and it wouldn't be one small nightmare but a year 3 months and 6 days worth. I wake up from the small nightmares, but the big one... I do not.

Thank God for the blessings that make my nightmare and now my life more livable and more like a life again. My daughter, my family, my friends, and Zachary. I guess it's not all a nightmare. It just feels like it some days.