Sleep Issues (Part II)

Thank you to everyone for your comments on my Night Time Mommy Woes post. It is good knowing I'm not the only mom who's experienced this. It seems that Ariana is sleeping better these days. Maybe it was a teeth thing, maybe it was a nervous thing, maybe she just didn't feel like sleeping last week! I'll probably never know and more than likely it will happen again. She is back to taking good naps during the day, too, instead of sitting and talking the whole nap time. Woo hoo! Once again, thank you all for your support. Being a first time momma it's always good to have insight from other mommas out there.

Now that her sleep issues are mostly cleared up, mine are kicking in again. What am I talking about, I don't think they ever stopped. I'm a natural night owl. Have been since I can remember, really. If I had my way I'd be able to stay up all night and sleep in til like noon every day. But of course, I don't have my way ;) Lately, though, my sleep issues have been worse than normal. Last night was pretty rough. It seems at night my anxiety kicks in really bad. I lay there and just think, think, think. I'm incredibly scared of losing people I love, especially since Jonny died. I've always been fearful of it but, reasonably so, it's kicked up ten fold since he died. At night I just lay there and see horrifying images in my head or imagine what I'd do if something happened or how I'd get somewhere in time. It's terrifying. My heart races, my chest tightens, and my brain buzzes. I feel there are thousands of cinder blocks sitting on top of me and all around me. Then I think about other worries too, more normal ones - money, appointments, the like. The cinder blocks pile on. Then of course my mind always goes to Jonathan and the bricks are so heavy I can barely breathe. It's not always in that order of course, but it's similar thoughts and so much weight on me. During the day, I'm fine. I know things are fine I don't worry as much (ok, I'm not fine I'm still anxious but not nearly the way I am at night) but at night it's quiet and I'm not doing anything so every irrational thought on the planet has time to plant a seed in my already over-active imagination.

It's been worse lately. I think part of it is the bed I'm sleeping in. I'm in the room I was in when I found out Jonny was going in to Marjah (that's an awful story in and of itself) and some nights, even when I'm not thinking about the other things, I think of that night I found out and I feel it all over again. I was so upset that night I ended up puking. In hind sight, it's almost as if I knew, as if my subconscious knew that him going into Marjah would mean...
I remember feeling so bad freaking out that night because most my friends husband's were already there, some were in the actual push and some had already seen their brothers die before their eyes. And here I was, my husband had been "safely" tucked behind the wire was just heading in and I was losing it. So I lay in that same bed these nights and I replay that night in my mind. My stomach starts to turn over and I feel the screams wanting to be unleashed building up in my mind -- DON'T GO.

Replaying that awful night does nothing, obviously, to help with the anxiety that already builds itself up at night time. I'm thinking maybe if I get it out, write it down, maybe I can let it go? Just a little bit? So that maybe I can get some sleep. There's nothing wrong with the room or the bed, the bed is super comfy. During the day I could lay there all day if I had the chance. And the memories don't hit every single night just some of them. Ugh I don't know I just wish the constant anxiety would go away. I wish I didn't have to stay up until my eyes were closing themselves to sleep. Even at home in my own bed I do that - I keep myself awake until I can't any longer - less time to think before sleep takes over.

I try counting backwards, I try singing in my head, I try thinking of happy things, I try focusing on my breathing, I try checking out facebook just to get my mind on something else... nothing seems to work. Anyone out there have any good strategies for calming your mind, releasing the pressure of an impending panic attack and falling asleep? I'm all ears!