It Gets Harder?

Well before getting into the nitty gritty of the post, I will first apologize for my serious MIA status. I've been doing a little bit of vacationing and thoroughly enjoying it. Went on a cruise with mom, dad, and A and then came home for a few weeks before heading to Florida with A to see Jonny's side of the family. In between all that I'm still working on getting my home set up, and I'm pretty sure I'll be in "moving-in" status for the rest of my life, or at least five years. Yikes! Our travels were good, the cruise was a lot of fun and A loved seeing the water every where. Our trip to Florida was outstanding, and I think it was also much needed. It was great to be with his family which is also my family, reminisce, hang out, and really just keep getting to know each other. We had a blast and I am looking forward to our next trip there.

I say it was a needed trip because I just needed some more of him and his family is as him as it gets (thank God I have a little piece of him hanging out with me everyday). I haven't been doing well. Grief isn't just a nice and neat little agenda you can follow. The pathway of grief or whatever it's called? Yea, complete bullshit. It just doesn't work that way. The stages, sure they may be there. The anger, the depression, the bargaining, all of that. Yup, it's there. But it doesn't come as it's "expected" one neatly following the other and never returning when it's done. Each little "stage" springs up when it feels like and you have to deal with it when it presents itself, even if you've dealt with it before. And oftentimes, it's not alone, in fact 9 out of 10 times it's accompanying another little stage of grief, tag teaming on the ass kicking. Grief is just not fun. I'm saying grief a lot, because it finally actually feels like grieving.

For the last two years, well, let's face it. I've been running. Maybe if I ran fast enough, I occupied myself enough, I hid, well maybe then there would be no grief. If I moved fast enough, got away from it, maybe just maybe I would wake up from it. The problem is, however, there's nothing to wake up from. This is real life and well, frankly, it sucks. No life doesn't suck, just the circumstances, the grief. That sucks.  A lot.

This March, April, and May have just been wooping me. I just want him here. I don't want to be a widow anymore. I just want to be a regular wife, with my husband who I love, having regular married people dilemmas. I called my mom a few weeks ago after I'd walked through my office where Jonny's urn (the box) is proudly displayed. I had stopped and stared at that urn and was like "What is that?" in my head... "what is it doing here" I called my mom and said that I am ready to wake up from the nightmare now. But like I said, and she said, it's the crappy reality.

I know, I'm rambling. It's been a while, alright? I guess where I'm going is I didn't expect it to get harder. I didn't expect it to get easier, either, I just figured it would... I don't know... I didn't know what to expect. I miss him more than ever. It's been too long. I want to feel his warmth around me, talk to him, just have him here. I'm sad, I'm angry, and I'm not feeling like accepting it.

I know, you've all read this before. I'm certainly not looking for pity, it's just so good to get it out. The written words seem to help me make sense of it all. I've just been in so much pain. I'm not numb and I'm not running and I'm just here and hurting.

But. I will survive. I always do.
Pump up the Gloria Gaynor for a little motivation.

31 comments

  1. Sending you ((HUGS)), keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

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  2. oh how ive missed you. before clicking on the link to your blog, i thought out loud.... i need some rjp, its been forever! i dont know the feelings that you are having but kinda feel like i could have/or would have, had i stuck thru a crappy relationship that was officially over 6 months ago. 6 months before he was to die over there. i dont know if im "allowed" to feel like i 'lost' anything, but i know that reading you and karies blogs, makes me feel a little less crazy, and i owe you girls a huge THANK YOU! i sure hope i didnt cross any lines in this comment and i hope you do a little better tomorrow than you did today. mom says time makes it better, guess we gotta believe her. --allison

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  3. This is a great post and anyone can see you are not looking for pity but just being human! People always say that things get better with time, but I think this is the one exception. Not that you won't feel better sometimes and do great things, though. I'm send well wishes and prayers your way!

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  4. Hugs lady. You are in my thoughts always. Just keep truckin' and being as fabulous as you always are! We are all here whenever you need us:)

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  5. It has been awhile since I last commented but I have been following you. I know that you are strong. Even though you probably might roll your eyes at that last sentence I just want you to know that you are not alone.
    Hugs and Kisses from California. I wish you and your daughter well.

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  6. I'm sorry honey :(
    I think that in some way, the grief is always there, but we hope it will at least fade over time. I have a friend who just lost her husband in Afghanistan too. I'm thinking about sending her over to your blog :)

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  7. You are totally right about the grief, it's nothing at all like that chart they mention. My father passed years and years ago and the grief is still there--you'd think by now I'd be closer to acceptance, but I find myself angry, depressed, all sorts of things even still. I wonder if it is something I will ever come to terms and find peace with or not. Interesting and sad to think about.
    Will be praying for you. <3

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  8. Because you share your words, we can travel with you on this journey wherever and however it takes you and I thank you for that.

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  9. I saw a button for your blog on the side of another blog i was following and thought your blog name was adorable. I have read a few of your posts and even though i have never met you before, my heart breaks for you and i found myself in tears. You are so incredibly strong, and i am so sorry for your loss. God bless you, Thank you for your service, your dedication, and your sacrifice. Your husband is a true hero, and you are a hero for loving him and raising your daughter. You are in my prayers.

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  10. It's funny how our blogs sometimes go hand in hand. I forget how close our guys angelversarys are sometimes. Though grief most definitely does not fit into a box, it is interesting how, for many of us, the process can be so similar. The two year mark was hard. And those months you listed - they do suck. This has been a really confusing time. So far away, yet it all feels so close. The thought that maybe it always will is intimidating and frustrating and all those other "ings" that I too hoped would eventually fade away. I guess our reality is that there will always be a shadow cast over us after what happened. And some days it will just seem more overwhelming and apparent than others. The only way I've come to accept that at all is that at least my sadness means I haven't forgotten. And in a sick way it keeps me feeling close to him. More than anything, forgetting scares me the most. Anywho. I hope you start feeling a little better. If you ever need anything (like a vacay at the beach - HINT, HINT), you know where I is. <3

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  11. I'm sorry you are going through this love. I wish I can say it will get better but I think that you just learn to live with the reality that you are just waiting to reunite yourself with him. At least that is what my mom says about my dad & everyone else that past away that horrible day 15 years ago.

    This had me crying by the time I was done reading it, because no one should ever have to go through this, I saw how hard it was on my mother losing her husband, son, mother & sister on the same day and it tore her up but now she has learned to accept that this is reality and she is just waiting to be reunited with them again, just like you will be with Jonny one day.

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  12. I'm sure you know you aren't alone. I have a couple other bloggy mil friends who echo the same sentiments. and as I'm writing this it sounds so completely lame and pathetic as I'm looking at it. But you are wonderful and an inspiration to me personally. There's no rule book for this crap. I am so glad that you got to spend time with his family. Blessings in the dark I guess :)

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  13. You don't know me and I don't know you (personally), but I read your blog regularly. When I saw you posted this on the 21st and no one had left you a comment yet (it's the 24th already!!! YEESH!), my heart ached. People care about you, and even me, a complete stranger, aches for your comfort. I've never been in your position and I'm not going to try and pretend I know what it's like. But I do know what it's like to see other people hurting. A small part of me feels like I know you after reading your blog and hearing all about precious and beautiful little A. You're a strong woman and Jonny is ALWAYS with you. Keep your chin up, Mrs. P. Love from Pennsylvania.

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  14. Loved catching up- glad you and A had some great vacation time :)

    I read an article recently that reminded me of what you are talking about- running away from grief. It was saying that we bury the emotion to try to get away from it, but it takes so much energy that parts of it will come out at completely inappropriate times about things unrelated to the actual issue- the grief. It definitely resonated with me, been there, done that. Hope things get back on the upswing soon! Hugs!

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  15. Mrs. P -

    I only came across your blog a few weeks ago, but I spent that first weekend with my laptop reading every word.

    I have a good friend who unexpectedly lost her husband several years ago. For a while I knew she hurt but didn't understand it. Then my husband left me. I know that divorce is a completely different situation and I don't mean to compare the two, but as a result I learned about a different kind of grief. I've lost loved ones, grandparents, even a family friend, but the loss of the man I chose to spend my life with was devestating. I still won't say I know what you and my friend are going through, but as a result I gained a better understanding of that kind of grief.

    I read your posts and am reminded of her and in a different way of my own grief. My heart absolutely breaks for you.

    I wish I had some words of wisdom or could do something. Unfortunately, we both know words won't help and nothing can be done. However, I want to remind you, you are not alone. There may not be someone sitting next to you on your couch tonight, but in addition to your family and friends, there is a woman in Virginia whose heart aches for you, who shares your tears, and is saying another prayer for you and A tonight.

    Allison

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  16. Unrelated but saw this, and wondered if you had....

    http://yahtzierulez.tumblr.com/post/23882783575/just-read

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  17. I wish that this all could just "stop" for you. My heart just feels sad for you. I don't know the words to say.. it must be crazy to miss him the way you do, to want him to be there.. and he can't. I don't know what to say, but I hope you find peace and I hope you find happier days.

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  18. Hey Rachel it's Vanessa (Salas wife) it's been a while since I've last seen you ... I thought of you today, I hope you're doing ok. One of the strongest motivated women I have ever met! Keep your head up love <3 We're here for you if you need us. seriously.

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  19. You have a fabulous blog! I’m an author and illustrator and I made some awards to give to fellow bloggers whose sites I enjoy. I want to award you with one of my homemade awards: The Beautiful Mommy Writer Blog. There are no pass along requirements. This is just to reward you for all the hard work you do!

    Go to http://astorybookworld.blogspot.com/p/awards.html and pick up your award.
    ~Deirdra

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  20. No one deserves what was handed to you. I'm so sorry. My heart breaks for you and your baby girl. I imagine what would happen if this were me. My husband is deployed right now and I just gave birth to our first, a daughter. I hope the grief gets easier to cope with, I hope you find someone to love and someone who will love you back 100X more.

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  21. I've been a long time reader of military blogs, although I never comment, I just wanted you to know that there are people like me out here who are thinking of you and your daughter.

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  22. A friend of mind introduced me to your blog and I have to admit I have read it for over a year. I myself am a wife of a firefighter/paramedic, yet I can not even begin to understand what you have been through. I attended my first firefighter funeral recently and my heart sank when I realized this would not be my last. Thank you for being so real. Your words are appreciated more than you know.

    melinaadkins@yahoo.com

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  23. {{{Hugs}}} Hang in there, We love you.

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  24. I am sorry it is so hard and sucks so much.

    My brother-in-law died right after he came back from Afghanistan. He was his Mother's only child, and she grieves for all the things she won't have. I know my kids will miss out on having a wonderful uncle, but that eclipses the pain that you and my mother-in-law face everyday.

    I want you to know that there are lots of people who love and support you, but we will never be able to fill the hole in your heart or the empty place beside you in the bed. Please never feel that you have ranted too much. Only you know when it has been enough. Until then, letting it out is totally healthy and you have every right to follow your own needs and timeline!

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  25. My dad died when I was 8 months old, leaving my mom with 5 kids. I'm 27 now and although I don't have any of my own memories with my dad, I know I have one and I know he loved me. My mom has remarried twice, but quite frankly she's living her life in a way that she hopes will lead her to heaven one day to be with my dad. Her love for my dad is eternal, so although she has found love here on earth, it's more temporal. I know that even now, 27 years later, she misses him like crazy and no one can possibly take his place. I feel for you as I do for her, losing the love of your lives so young. But like I look at my mom, I'm sure your daughter will grow up thinking you are the strongest woman alive. Hoping the best for you-M

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  26. I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you. Your story continues to move me. Hang in there. I can't promise it will get any easier, but you will get stronger as each year passes. HUGS!

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  27. Brave young warrior woman / widow. I mean that sincerely for writing it out on your blog, most of all because you are admitting it to yourself. Oh sweetheart, how this post resonated with me.

    In the past 42 months ... hmmm, I've travelled to Sweden, Romania, Bulgaria, Spain, Australia, Singapore, San Diego, Savannah ... and I forget where else.

    I must have read enough books to fill a town-sized library (pure escapism). I've helped widows in poverty to prove that my widowhood pales into insignificance compared to their plight/nightmare/human rights issues. Worked to midnight, burned myself out. Slept and slept.

    Last week, after staying with my big sis for a week, I parked on my drive. And just couldn't do IT. You know, get out the car and walk thru my own front door. I stayed in my car for 12 hours and peed in my driveway, hidden behind my car ... OMG.

    We don't want pity. We just want to get it out. Have our hurt validated. Someone to hear us.

    And tonite Mrs P, I'm lighting a candle for you (you won't be able to see it because I'm in London ;-). I'll re-read your post slowly and sit quietly. And listen. to. you. properly.

    Be kind to yourself. You deserve it x

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  28. I am so familiar with the feelings you have written here. Except for me, it was my daughter. I face these same feelings every day. I feel like I am living a bad movie of someone else's life. And it's been three years. I just wanted to let you know that I feel for you and your sweet daughter. I find comfort in your words, even though our situations are different. I am an Army wife, and I cannot imagine the walk you have walked. Hoping you find a bit of peace tonight...

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  29. I'm just now getting to catch up on some blog reading so I apologize for the late reply.

    I started following your blog I think back in Nov. 2009ish when word of my husband's future deployment came down. I was looking for other military wives blogs to follow and I found yours. I have been reading along with you and praying for your family every step of the way. I was 6 months pregnant with our second son when I read your sad post about the news of your husband and my heart broke for you. My husband was deployed to Marjah and got back in Sept. and to be honest I felt a little guilty that I got my husband back when so many wives (including 2 from our battalion) didn't.

    You and the other gold star families were in my heart and prayers especially on Memorial Day. We spent the day remembering those friends we have lost and sharing stories, laughs, and tears.

    You are an amazing woman and have handled everything with so much grace. I am in awe of you. There is a light at the end of your path and if anyone ever deserved it, you certainly do. Your family will always be in our prayers.

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  30. Yep. You will survive. And believe it or not, there's beauty in that truly. I know it would be easier to not survive somedays. Grief is work. Seriously hard work. Just existing is hard work. Life is complex, confusing, beautiful & bittersweet, just like death. Our brains just can't comprehend the conflict. Distracting yourself, keeping yourself busy, aka running away from your grief is only a bandaid. It may sound silly but a good long term therapist that you can call up anytime, maybe one who is a widow or widower even, one who is a genuine person, not just going to educate you on "grief" but grieve with you. Third party people can be beneficial. Just a thought. Dont get me wrong, your are immensly strong & you have an incredible support system of widows & blog readers. I'm beaming with pride at the woman you are, & the mom you are and I dont know you personally. ;)

    By the way, I hope hearing A's laugh lightens your burden. Babie's laughs are amazing. There wouldnt be a need for anti-depressants if we could bottle a baby's laugh. Hold on to every breath God gives you both. Time flies (somedays not so much, but you get the point). Before you know it, they are off to college.

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