The Journey

Here's the funny thing about life. It is a constant, unending journey. Sure, it appears there's a beginning, middle, and end; much like a story. But is it really that simple? No, I don't think so.

If you pay attention, in life you are constantly changing. I can't imagine any human that's ever truly stagnant, even a recluse locked up with his or her own thoughts. And I'm no recluse, so the opportunities for change are constant.

The hard part is, just when you think you've finally figured things out, that you've finally got a handle on this crazy life journey, you are often reminded that you don't. A new challenge is thrown your way. A new revelation or discover. A new person to shake things up. It's completely naive to believe that you are the same person today that you were yesterday.

The best thing we can do with this journey is try to learn from it. Learn from our mistakes and attempt to continue to grow. Sometimes, that's so much easier said than done. Sometimes, you learn things about yourself that you wish you never knew. So you strive to fix them but in the process are you fixing anything or are you just circling back and making the same mistakes again?

It's hard to face your flaws. It's also necessary. In order to develop and grow, you have to face your shortcomings and overtake them. And that is no easy feat. You think you're doing well and then you realize how much farther you still have to go.

Through this journey I've learned so much about myself and I've had to face some pretty harsh realizations and seriously man up about some of my own short comings. Each day I feel I work a little harder to mold myself into the person that I want to be and then BAM I'm forty steps back and I feel like I am starting all over, conquering the same obstacles again and again.

What holds me back most often? Fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of love, fear of happiness, fear of life. I know I've felt like I've conquered it before but then these setbacks come and they really get to me. I was recently told that I can't live life being afraid of life, and that is so true. I get so scared that I put up these stupid walls, I continuously push people away - most often the people I actually care the most about, I try to hide behind my grief and my loss so that I don't have to feel anymore. Because if you don't feel, you don't hurt. What I forget is that I end up hurting even more in the end. All because I try to hide and pretend and block. Always because I am scared. And even though I can realize this, typically when it's too late, I still end up right back at this spot. Grasping to survive because my fear has held me back once again. With people, with opportunities, with life lessons.

I realize that I get inside my own head and I displace assumptions. "I can't finish that..." "This person won't like this..." "No one can handle that..." When really, it's me inside my own head, scaring myself. In a crappy attempt at protecting myself, I am destroying myself.

When will I be willing to give up the fear? When will I let myself just live, the way I know deep in my heart I deserve to. So why am I so scared to?? Am I afraid that I will forget? Or leave him behind? Or am I just afraid that another loss will completely wreck me?

Some days, I just want to feel normal and not so damn complicated!
Please let tomorrow be sunny.