The Fear Beyond the Fear

I'm told fairly regularly by milspouses that I'm "living their worst nightmare." No offense, but I hate that. (I know, it's one of those things you say when you're not really sure what to say and you're trying to be compassionate. I don't hate you for saying it, I've just grown to hate the saying, there are quite a few I could add to the list...) It's my worst nightmare, too. Except... it's my reality. Sad face. But the truth of the matter is, I'm living it. I'm living every military spouse's worst nightmare. Hell, I'm living every spouse's worst nightmare, I'd imagine; that their loved one would die. It's just a "more real" nightmare among us milspouses as our husbands are sent to places where their chances of dying are probably higher and "more real" than on "average." But living is scary, because we never know when dying or losing someone is right around the corner for any of us.

I want to talk now about the fear beyond the fear. The fear I've been having lately. My fear.
I've been fearing lately that I'm going to forget. I think I've talked about this briefly here and there, but it's been striking so close lately. Widow brain is a bitch. I've talked to so many widows and so many of us experience brain damage (ok, not literally, but my wids out there know what I mean). We just forget things. I forget where I'm going sometimes, appointments, days of the week, my age (yes, I'm serious). I once couldn't remember what had happened to Jonny, I knew he was gone but I couldn't conjure up what had happened. Have I told you all about that? It was freakin' scary. Luckily I had a good friend fill me in, because I had to know. It was scary.

The other night I was thinking about him (ok, I'm basically always thinking about him). I was just trying to remember our whole lives together. Obviously, with human brains, this isn't really possible. I can't remember every single detail and it's crazy for me to try to. But what scared me was I was having trouble remembering the things I wanted to remember.

I couldn't remember what your touch felt like. It's been so long that I'd felt your skin against my skin that I couldn't remember. I closed my eyes. I thought. And it came to me. I could remember how you held my face when you kissed me, I could remember the way your fingers (sausage fingers, I always told him he had Italian sausage fingers) felt between mine, I could remember how your lips felt against mine. It came back to me. But what about down the road? What if I can't bring it back? I'm terrified of that day because I think when that day hits it is when I will feel truly, utterly alone. Like this loneliness isn't awful enough already.

Sometimes, I forget what you sound like talking to me. Luckily enough for me, I've got the tape. I've got a couple voicemails. I've got some videos. I can still hear you talk to me. Sometimes, they are things I can't bare to hear. Hearing your promises that it won't be long or how excited you are to hold us again... it hurts so badly. I would do anything to have those promises come true. But I can still hear you and that's what matters. I'll never have to worry about forgetting your voice or your face.

Life is going on without you in it though, that's the scary part. You're not hear, yet the world didn't stop. I knew it wouldn't, but some days I just expect things to come crashing down because how can my world continue without the one thing that made it right? How can a universe exist without it's sun?

Maybe it's the rain, this constant monsoon, that's got me in a funk. I always miss you, every single day, but for a while I was doing ok. I was living. At least, I thought I was. Lately I don't really feel like I'm living but more like I'm just here, hanging out. Some days, it feels like I'm still waiting for you. I have to remind myself that there is no waiting anymore. You're not coming and that's all there is to it. Those days are hard. They suck. Those are the nights I find myself wrapped in camis crying myself to sleep, or some semblance of sleep that enables me to rise again and function the next day. Most people see the "ok" side because I don't like people seeing me in shambles. I think that's why people think I'm doing so great, or some people question if I miss you at all. Really, I'm just too headstrong. I used to let people know when I was having a rough night but I've even stopped doing that for the most part. I've been curling in my lonely hole on the rough nights and trying to claw my way out on my own. I don't know if this is good or bad, am I learning strength or am I just making it harder on myself?

I don't want to have to rely on people. I don't want to make my problems theirs. I don't want the "Oh, damn, RP is calling me again... I really don't want to deal with her but I guess I will." I don't want my friends thinking I'm using them just to make me feel better. I miss my friends. I miss happiness. But most of all, I miss you. I miss loving you. I still love you (I always will) but I miss loving your alive self, I guess the better term may be being able to love you. I miss being loved back. I miss being part of a pair. I'm not whole without you here. I miss everything about you, even the things that annoyed me (like the way you brushed your teeth without water, babe, that was so gross and it drove me nuts! I couldn't watch you brush your teeth until the toothbrush was already in. But if I had to see you put it in your mouth - which I did, several times - it completely skeeved me out - you know that). I just miss you. Plain and simple.

I spend my days and nights still wishing you were here and wondering what our life would be like had you come home. I fight away the sinking feeling every day but it still comes, every single day, right in the pit of my stomach. Especially at night. I'm not supposed to waste my life away wishing and wondering. I try so hard to put my best foot forward, to keep living, but it's so hard. Controlling the mind, your own mind, would you ever think that was so freakin' hard?!

I'm sad and weird without you here.

38 comments

  1. I know this road of life you're living on is not the easiest & I hate it for you! I do covet the way you are able to express yourself! You are such a strong woman! Know that you are thought of & prayed for often!

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  2. You are such a strong woman! I know you may not really feel that way. As an Army Wife I think about the what ifs. Would I be strong enough for my kids? I get so teary eyed when I read your blog because I can see how in love you are with your husband still. My lonely nights with Shaun being in Airborne School are nothing to yours. I constantly remind myself that I could be lonely like you are then I don't feel so lonely. You know what I mean. It's like I try to not take any little thing for granted.

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  3. I love your blog. You are single-handedly the strongest woman I have ever heard about. Your courage is encouraging!

    When my hubs was deployed I thought I'd forget. The only thing that saved my sanity was writing about it. I wrote how it felt, how he smelled, every memory I wanted to remember, wrote on pictures about what was going on and started to journal (blog). To me, writing is therapeutic. Try it.

    I know deployments aren't even a fraction of what your going through! I just wanted to share and let you know that I'm rooting for you girl!

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  4. I love you girlie!!! It's days like this that I wish I was closer and we could just be sad, weird, lonely bumps on the couch together!! Oh, and I'll never get tired of seeing RP pop up on the caller ID!! :)

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  5. Hang in there, girl. It's a sucky life we have to live through. Love you <3

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  6. Honey your true friends are ALWAYS going to take that phone call and NEVER think oh it's her again. (((hugs)))

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  7. I don't know what to say, I wish I could just hug you after reading this. Know that I think about you often and you and Ariana are in my prayers.

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  8. I know you may not feel like it, but your words, your feelings, so raw and real, help so many people. You are an incredible woman and I am so blessed to have stumbled upon your blog. Much love!

    xoxo

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  9. Oh Rachel.

    Your honest, open-heart posts are both amazing and gut-wrenching. I can't say "I know what you're going through" but if you need someone to talk to, or text with... I'm here for you!!!! And really, I'm not that far of a drive!!! :-)

    I don't think your friends consider "dealing" with you, you're a friend, and a damn good one, you're not a nuisance to them!!! This, I am certain!

    I'm giving you a bigggggg giant hug... through the computer... I'm here... even if you just want someone to listen to tears! ((HUGS!!!))

    Hillary

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  10. Oh Rachel. :( I wish I had the words.

    Thank you for being so open and honest with us. If we ever get stationed near you, I really want to meet you and give you a giant hug.

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  11. Hi :) I've read your blog for a few weeks and I want you to know that I really admire your honesty and candid-ness. You seem like a really strong person and I can tell how in love you and Jonny are without even meeting you.

    This post was written beautifully and honestly. I'm sorry you're in a funk and feeling more down than usual. I really hope there are people near you that you can lean on (I'm sure they aren't sick of your calls!) and from whom you can find support and understanding. And I want you to know that there are people reading you who think about you and pray for you.

    Best wishes to you and your beautiful daughter. :)

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  12. My love. This too is one of my worst fears. I am pretty sure I blogged about it too. I have come to learn that the really good, important memories are always going to be there. It's just the fog that covers the memories. Sometimes, what I do, I will sit in front of my computer and look at pictures, and I will think about when and where that picture was taken, and when the memory comes up, I'll write it down. And usually that will bring up other memories. The important, encoded memories, will always be there. Just like Jonny will always be there. Once the fog starts to lift (which unfortunately, means pain is soon to follow) the memories will come back. If you ever want to talk about Jonny, give me a call. I will always be willing to "deal" with you :) Love you!

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  13. Have you ever thought of writing a book? I think it would be something great for you on multiple levels. That way it will help you remember times and things and maybe end up being a kind of therapy.

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  14. Hey ... I am so sorry that I didn't get a chance to give you my deepest sympathies until now.

    I wrote this really long comment but I don't know if there is anything that I could possibly say that could make you feel better. Simply know that I am listening (reading) and that I'm on your side.

    *Enchante* - another Mrs.P =D

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  15. :( big cyber hugs for you sweetie.

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  16. I know that there are no words to change what you've been through and are still going through. I hope that you know you are loved and in so many prayers. I hope that knowing that gives you a measure of strength and comfort. Sending you lots of love and hugs!

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  17. You've once again brought tears to my eyes. I know it's not the same to lose a friend or a family member as it is to lose the man/woman you love. I find myself in similar predicaments as you do though. Not just for the fact that I have lost my grandmother, or my rock, as I often referred to her as, but since 2002 I have lost at least 10 close friends of mine due to accidents, or drugs, and my heart gets emptier and emptier each time I lose someone, and I, too, find my nights the hardest, which is why I am normally up all night, or even days at a time because sleeping brings me back memories that I can't handle. I always think it's just me, and maybe it is. I have done the things you are doing, I have cried myself to sleep, and missed the people I have lost every day, even so much as every minute, hour, etc. It's a difficult road, but like I have told you before you need to keep saying to yourself that even if you are living "every milspouses nightmare" you are living it with every ounce of strength that you have, and every ounce of ambition because you are living it not just for you, not just for Ariana, but for Jonny also. Keep that in mind and it helps when you think, okay I am going to get up and get my shit together today because it is what Jonny would want me to do, or expect me to do. It's painful and oh my god does it suck, believe me. I can relate, although not in the exact way, in a similar way. I assure you that you will be okay because you have people including myself that will help you pick up the pieces the best I can, and please know that if you need to talk, or need to vent, or just express yourself, please IM me, e-mail me, or call me (I'll message you my number if you want it) but know that I will never say "Oh RP is calling again..." I will do what I can to offer advice, listen to you vent or cry, because it's the least I can do. You need to remember you are amazing for all that you do. <3

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  18. I was really hesitant to comment on this, because I feel guilty saying anything when my husband is still alive. But I felt in my heart that I want you to know that I really do think you are a strong and amazing person, just from what I read on your blog. I really admire the way you can talk about your feelings (even if its just through these posts) and still live your life. Try not to stress yourself worrying about 'the right way to cope', because the important thing is that you are atleast trying to cope, you haven't given up on life, and that is an accomplishment in itself. No matter what the struggle, I hate when people say "I don't know how you do it". And I hate the fact that I used to say this all the time. Now, when I feel like saying it, I think to myself "They just do".. and, in reality, what other choice do they have?

    Just wanted to let you know I am praying for you, and I admire the person you are. :)

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  19. My thoughts and prayers are with you girl. <3

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  20. Rachel,
    Everything you said is true. You may seem weird without Jonny here but you have a group of ladies (myself included) that doesn't think you're weird. Start writing things down you want to remember about him then put it away. You can call me anytime and you know I won't think that
    Miss you

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  21. Just reading your words and the way you describe how you miss him makes me cry. I can't imagine what the loneliness is like, but I think you're definitely strong, and dealing with it far better than I believe i ever could.

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  22. I don't think your friends will ever look at the caller ID and say: "Oh, damn. It's RP calling again..." they'll pick up the phone.

    Also ... I kind of have a hard time wrapping my brain around the fact that people SAY to a widow, "Oh wow, you're living my worst nightmare."

    Hello word vomit. Open mouth: insert one VERY large foot.

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  23. I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I'm not closer so that I could give you a hug. :(

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  24. Memories are a wonderful and yet they hurt us so much. You are doing a wonderful job of remembering your husband.

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  25. Your amazing strength shows through in every post that your write.

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  26. Don't be too hard on yourself girl, you are doing it, everyday. He is smiling down on you so freaking proud of the wife and mother you continue to be! There are slumps and they suck- and it's ridiculously hard. Sending you love!

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  27. I've never posted a comment before because I have no idea what to say. However, I think you should know that you are amazing, and you are showing all of us military wives that if the worst happens, we will be able to survive. You show us that it is hard and it sucks, and most days you just feel like a ball of skin instead of a person, but you are doing it. For those of us lucky enough to still have our husbands, you remind us how grateful we need to be. :) I always enjoy reading your post.... even though they make me cry every single time. ::hugs::

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  28. *hug*

    Yes it is virtual, but I just thought it would be ok to do.

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  29. My thoughts and Prayers are with you! You always have this milspouse community to reach out to. Lots of love your way

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  30. Im pretty sure I have said some of those things you hate, but I am sure you don't hate me. You have to allow yourself to feel what you are feeling, if you don't want to put on a happy face for everyone well don't do it. This is a hell of a thing for you do deal with, for anyone to deal with but you got the double whammy, for that I am sorry. You have to trust that you will find your way to a new normal. I think its unrealistic to think it will be anytime soon. I think those that love you see through your smile and see the pain, but those that love you will let you just "be". You are doing what you can, putting one foot in front of the other...and moving forward. Keep doing that. As best you can.

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  31. Rach, although my husband (or soon to be ex)is still alive, in the last few months I found out that for the last 7 deployments and pretty much the whole 8 yrs of marriage I have been living a lie.. the other horrible military wife nightmare... infidelity...it sucks! I, like many of the military wives moved 12hrs away from home to be with him and build this dream life and now I've been told it's all been a lie...I know I can't compare to what you are going through but I have lost the man I love and have no idea where he went and even though I can still see him and touch him it's just not the same not the same person I fell in love with, not the one I want, and not the one he wants, I wish I could run away, I wish I would've stayed home and never moved down here, wish I would've never given him that other chance when he admitted to his first infidelity (little did I know it never changed!) but what I dont regret is my son and now with another little one on the way I just gotta remain strong and I know you are doing the same and you are doing great Rach, we all have our days but don't worry you'll grow stronger as time passes by and don't worry you won't forget him...Anyway...the main point of my post was to tell you that your posts keep me going, everyday I look on your blog and even worry when you haven't posted in a few days, I hope to meet you one day as we live very close to each other and don't worry true friends are always there and will always be happy to see you on their caller ids and also it seems like you have a great mom and sisters that will help you get up when you are feeling down, Don't worry girl Jonny is also looking out for you guys and he won't ever let you down
    Lots of love and hugs from a friend you don't even know! Stay Strong!!

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  32. Very touching. I'm praying for you.

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  33. I can say that I have never looked at my caller ID and said "Oh no Rach is calling" Usually " It's My Rach calling!!!!" But you know how I am.
    Just remember what I told you "Take things moment by moment" Don't let the way others act affect the way you act. You are a wonderful person through and through. I consider myself extremely blessed that we are friends.
    "bill" (hahahaha)

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  34. I do know what that feeling of worrying about forgetting is like, as I still have this- coming up to a tenth anniversary of my friend's death. But I do know that -and I'm quoting here-'other things will come in'. What this means is that, along the way you will meet all kinds of other people and have other experiences which start to fill you up in some way or give you some kind of comfort that is at least meeting your needs to some extent that is acceptable to you. I expect you have already had some of those moments or experiences. There will be more. Could you bear to make a journal or scrap book? I have just been doing a lot of journalling with another good friend when I suddenly had the fear that I had 'lost' the other friend that died. I remembered that I have never done a journal about this, yet I had collected all the memoentoes and tucked them in a book. That fear of forgetting is very significant so maybe you need to lay down all those memories in pictorial/creative/written form so you can look up at least the most pertinent ones- which will jog others. However in time you will experience a fuller healing I hope which enables you to be more at peace xxx

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  35. This post gave me chills. And I am definitely one of those people who want to give you comfort but can never find the right words. I've never lost someone close to me. I have no idea what you're going through, and I'm not going to pretend that I know how you should be feeling. But I do know that you are amazingly strong. At the same time, it's impossible to be strong all the time, and it makes me so sad to read that you're trying to deal with some of those rough nights all on your own. You clearly have close friends, and by definition, those friends would never turn you away when you need to talk things out or cry on a shoulder. And if they ever do, you give me a call, day or night. :)

    Hang in there.

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  36. Just wanted to let you know I read your blog all the time! You and Ariana are in my thoughts and prayers daily!

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  37. Similar to many who commented this post really got me, im so sorry you have to go through this. You are such a strong women.I am praying for you.

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  38. Just keep letting it out whenever you need to. Don't pay attention to those who judge you because they have no idea what you are going through. Even if they have experienced their own loss, they have no idea how this has affected YOU. ((HUGS))

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