They're Back

Advon came back last night. Jonny would have been advon. I should be sitting on my porch with him this very moment. Or doing other activities, but either way with him. But I'm not. I took it pretty hard. Luckily last night I had friends here with me to occupy me and keep me company. But this morning when everyone had gone home, I was left with myself, my thoughts, and that sinking feeling in my stomach. I could barely function. When the baby napped I just laid there. More and more reality. Reality, frankly, fucking blows. Excuse my language but there's no other description, and that doesn't even begin to touch on it. I see people's happy "He's homes!" and post-deployment pictures, and while I know I should feel happy for them, I just can't. I want my "He's home!" I want a happy picture of me and my two babies. I want my family whole. I want my heart whole. Want, want, want. Can't, can't, can't. So what do I do now? I thought that all day long... what the hell am I supposed to do? He is really, really not coming back. He is not getting off a bus. Period. Reality.

I guess I am just supposed to live on. And I make an effort to do that every day. This morning, that felt nearly impossible. Live on? Really? Without my babe? How? I went and had "coffee" (and by coffee I mean Naked juice and a delicious breakfast treat - no caffeine for this girl - but at Starbucks, so it counts) with a new friend. She was so easy to talk to and, although she is not a widster, seemed to really understand and sympathize. Not that I'm saying my other friends don't - they do - and I am so thankful for them - but it was a nice new face and a good time. I got out of the house and moved. I had such a hard time moving today but I did it, and for that I am thankful for her, for our coffee date, and for a fresh pair of ears to listen to the stories I feel like I tell all the time and people may be growing tired of (no, no one has said they're tired of them, but I know the same stories can get old for anyone). I came back to the house after feeling a bit renewed and one of my favorite people came over to hang. She had a new friend with her, as well, and it was great getting to tell stories again. I just love talking about him. Unfortunately our stories are limited and numbered due to the way too short time we had together, so getting to tell stories to new people is always pretty awesome. I made a sign for my friend's husband who will be coming home with Main Body. We always said Alana was my deployment wife, so therefore our husbands were required to take us on as second wives (nothing creepy, it's just a lil joke, people) so I made him a Welcome Home 2nd Hubs! sign. I felt good doing it, too, which is a bit surprising, considering. I also made Jonny a sign for yesterday. I didn't hang it up on the base, it's on my porch, semi-ruined from the amazing rain storm we had yesterday (loooved it!!) but it says "Jonny Porto You come home in the hearts of the guys. We love you and are so proud Stink/Poppa Bear. Love Your Girls, Mama Bear and Buttons. FOREVER AND EVER, BABE." I just couldn't not make him one.

Now I'm just sitting here on the porch with my friends citronella and nicotine. Although let me tell you citronella isn't really doing her job. These bugs out here are out of control. I wonder if they realize how much they are infringing on my smoke/blog/facebook/school stuff on the porch time. Little jerks. Last month, I could handle the knat-bugs and occasional misquitos but now, now there are these HUGE nasty beetles that think they own my porch. They fly into everything and make a huge thunk (or ting when they hit the citronella jar) - I even hear them smacking into the windows from inside the house. They even have the gall to frequently land on me - assholes. But I put up with them because I enjoy the out-of-doors and the smoke-ok environment. I totally get screened-in porches now.

Oh and if you're wondering, I got into my Master's Program. I'm pretty stoked about that. It's conditional acceptance pending them getting my transcripts, and now I've gotta do my essays and recommendation letters (yeah seems a little backwards to me too - your essay sucks we change our mind?) but those aren't problems I foresee.

And lastly, just for a little picker up after a semi-depressing post (the usual these days... gah) how about some photos? My princess will be a whole 5 months in a matter of hours - holy crap!
Jonny's sign

Aquarium? YAY!


Hangin with one of my besties, Emma

The beach is exhausting!

Mom of the year forgot my hat so she covered me in her dress (and 50 SPF)

and lastly...

Momma drinking wine the only proper way (if you're a true bad ass, that is)

50 comments

  1. Congrats on getting into a Master's Program!! That's awesome news! I'm majorly lagging and I've been out of college for ohhhh let's see 6 years. Wow!

    Anyways, you are truly awesome. Don't forget that. You made your hubby so proud. And he would love your poster as I'm sure did so many others who were touched by him. (no not that way haha)

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  2. I admire you. And your ability to not only show that you are surviving, but that you are also hurting. A lot of people hide the 'bad' emotions when they are in fact what make us stronger most of the time.

    Like the above comment, I know your husband is beond proud. And your little girl has an amazing mother to be her inspiration and role model.

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  3. Dear fellow military wife,

    You do not know me, but I have followed your blog since March(found it through another blog) and must admit you (your situation, your words, your fantastic writing) has made a profound impact on me and my life. I hope you do not mind that I look at your blog from time to time. Please know that I walk next to you in thoughts of support and reflections upon life as I wish you more courage, faith, and strenght than you ever thought exsisted. Greetings from Sweden!

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  4. Tears** Jonny's sign is amazing and brought on the water works here!
    I am in "sign making mode" here right now, as we are getting ready to welcome the first of many main bodies coming in.
    I think of you every day, and was just telling your story to a friend who lost her husband during this deployment on Christmas Day.
    Your strength is seen through the eyes of so many, and you are giving help to those who need it without even knowing it!
    Your little lady is gorgeous!
    And you swig that bottle high lady!!

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  5. congratulations on getting into the masters program!
    i completely admire your strength!

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  6. The sign was perfect.

    Congrats on the Master's program.

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  7. Just look at that beautiful baby! Don’t worry we all have those "mom of the year" moments. At least you just forgot her hat, I went on vacation and left my baby’s clothes at home (he was a baby at the time). I had them packed and left it all! I had my clothes in a different bag, so I had to go shopping the first night there to get EVERYTHING for him!

    The sign was great; you know he is looking down here missing you too!

    Congrats on the Masters Program!

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  8. I think it's wonderful news that you got into the Masters program! Yea You!!

    I know that you will find your peace (or contentment) along the way through this new life. I pray for that peace for you and Buttons!

    The pictures are super adorable!

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  9. Thinking about you Rach - will be thinking about all of you in the upcoming weeks. If you want to grab a coffee when I am down you have my email I would love to give you a hug (even though we haven't met).

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  10. Hi. I haven't commented on your blog yet and I'm fairly new to your blog. I found you a few weeks ago (through the blog of someone else) and just haven't known what to say.

    I want to tell you how amazing I think you are. I can't imagine what you are going through but it is amazing to me that you are so raw and open and you just put yourself out there and don't care what anyone thinks. (Wow that was a crazy long sentence).

    Your hubby is with you and your daughter always. You two carry him within your hearts...not just the guys who came home. As long as you and his baby girl survive, in a way he survives too. I hope you know that.

    You have touched my life tremendously and I think of you and your beautiful girl almost every day. I wish there was something I could do to help you or take away your pain. But, I can tell from your posts that you are incredibly strong and if there is anyone who can persevere through this trial, it is you.

    And congratulations on being accepted for the Master's program! And congrats on the new friends!!

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  11. Congratulations on your program. Beautiful sign. You keep proving to us with every post just how strong you are. You are a fine example of strength.

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  12. Darlin' you are beautiful and amazing. I'm pulling for you.

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  13. That's awesome about grad school! I'm sure you're a shoe-in! :) And I love that you made a banner. You're right, he lives on in the hearts of all who knew and loved him. I've said it before and I'll say it again - you amaze me. When little Ariana grows up she will be so proud of her mommy!

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  14. definitely a sad time, but I love the creativity you put into Jonny's sign. I wouldn't have thought of that. And congrats on your acceptance (even if the process doesn't make any sense).

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  15. I love his sign and I know he does as well! Your daughter is super cute! I have to say the last picture is my favorite! True Devil Dog in you...Oooorrahhaaa!

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  16. I want to hug you

    ...and then take you out drinking.

    *HUGS*

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  17. Congrats on getting in the master's program!

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  18. Congrats on the masters acceptance! That's really great!

    It is a beautiful sign.

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  19. So happy you are going back to school. I am going into nursing when my kidlets hit kinder. My oldest one is already in my twins in the school year after this one. Did you know that the only mosquitoes that bite are the female ones. I just read that the other day.

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  20. Love the sign you made for him. My heart hurts for you, I am so sorry. ((HUGS)) Congrats on the masters program :) Your daughter is adorable. Keeping you in my prayers.

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  21. AWESOME!!

    and that wine photo is priceless! :)

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  22. Aww baby, you are a strong woman. Keep your head high, and follow your dream. I'm sure at the end you will find an inner peace and happiness. I feel and pray for you everyday.

    You have been mentioned by a fellow mil spouse on our little game "Military Spouse Spotlight", feel free to join in!

    Musings of an Army Wife

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  23. Congrats on your acceptance in the master's program. I'm sure you husband is beyond proud of you. You courage and strength always amazes me.

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  24. Hey "Mrs P" - I have been reading your blog for several months now and my heart goes out to you. From what I understand, you and Jonny met and began dating at the same time as my Marine and I. When I met Bryce (August 2008) he'd just finished up his 4 years of active duty. I can not imagine what you're going through, but I want you to know that myself, as well as many, many other strangers, follow your story and are inspired by you and your sweet baby girl. She's truly a gift to you and you will have Jonny with you, in her, forever. OOOOOOOOOH RAH.

    Angie

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  25. Congratulations on getting into your program!! I love the banner you made. I wish I lived close so I could be a new friend, a fresh pair of ears, and listen to your stories. We're also almost names twins. Maybe someday? I wish you could feel the love and respect I have for you. Really.

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  26. You mean there's another way to drink wine??? Beats me...

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  27. Great post! I also enjoy my front porch but hate the bugs but I have found a great combo! The off clip on works GREAT and I spray our entire porch with this Off backyard bug fogger. Keeps those nasty little beetles at bay as well as all the other little effers

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  28. i wanted to let you know i posted on my blog about you. here is the link to my blog, if you wanted to read it. i promise its not harsh or mean! or anything nasty. *screw nasty people!! http://tmonical.blogspot.com

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  29. I'm a new "admirer" to your blog, and again, I'm amazed at your strength in this post. Love the sign, LOVE the wine picture, and love that you've gotten into your Master's Program!

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  30. my heart goes out to you tonite, and every nite. i wish you well on your new endeavors, sounds exciting! and never stop telling your stories, he'll always be with you! <3

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  31. OMG OMG. THat's Arbor Mist Blackberry! I thought I was the only one who slugged it back like that, haha!

    You amaze me with your strength, lady! Keep on keepin' on... I hope our paths cross some day :)

    And congrats on getting in the the master program.
    OH snippity snap!

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  32. Oh-- totally forgot to add that your little baby is SO Stankin' cute!

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  33. Those wouldn't happen to be June Bugs smacking into everything, would they? Cause that's what it sounds like-- they creep me out too, but they're totally harmless.

    Congrats on the master's programs! That's awesome. And that wine looks great-- I've only tried the strawberry arbor mist. I need to broaden my wine-horizon lol.

    And last-- as always, you put the rest of us to shame with your strength and bravery to keep going and taking each day as it comes.

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  34. The picture of your daughter with the dress on was great--mine would have just thrown a hat if I'd brought one anyway so we'll just pretend that's what she'd have done too and it was intentional.

    Love the banner. I think it was right of you to make one, and perfectly done. Keep telling the stories. If people get tired of them, heck, I'll give you my number and you can call me and tell them to me. I wish I had something more helpful to say.

    Congrats on the Master's program. It sounds like a wonderful thing.

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  35. Your daughter is precious!!! :)

    The mosquitoes out my back door are flippin' ridiculous. They literally wait at the door for you to walk out then attack. It's horrible and extremely annoying. Pretty sure they like citronella here. And the centipedes are gross too.

    Congrats on getting in the masters program!

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  36. Hi. You don't know me but I feel like I know you. My name is Karen J and I have read your blog in silence for about four months now and you have my greatest respect and admiration. I have shed many tears for you and yet you have made me smile alot. I dont know where you find your strength but whether you know it or not it spreads out to others like myself. There have been days I didnt know how to get through and I read your blog and somehow gained strength from you. May God continue to guide you and thank you for being you.Your baby is beautiful. Congrats on getting in the program. Best to you always.

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  37. Your sign is GREAT!! You just always amaze me with your strength!! Prayers going up always for you and your precous little girl!! I do hope that during the main body return I get to meet you! I know that I call my son my HERO...but you are my HERO as well!! Blessings from Georgia!!

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  38. Congratulations on the masters program! I bet that made you feel really great.

    I think about you all the time and I pray for you, your husband, and your daughter. She's growing up to be such a cutie! I loved the sign you made and you truly are married to an angel.

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  39. thinking about you!!! the sign is great and congrats on the master program!!!

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  40. That's incredible about the Masters program!! You are totally awesome :) And Congrats on Ariana's 5 month birthday! I can't believe she's almost 1/2 a year. I LOVE the picture of her sitting up in the Bumbo! She's got some cute little baby fluff. I miss Lucy's fluff. Once they start walking, they start running and it all falls off.

    (((HUGS))) I don't even know how it was for you when this part of the unit came back but I've been thinking about you constantly.

    Share more stories with us on here about Jonny! I know we would all love to "hear" more.

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  41. IS that Arbor Mist- YUCK, but I DO drink wine like that...shh. It is the best way! :)
    Look at you all tan! Jealous!
    THank you for the updated pictures of Buttons! :)
    LoVE the sign and congrats on getting into the program. Ill have some wine in your honor tonight! :)

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  42. new follower, and i think i might love you (based on the last picture). congratulations on your masters program, and for what it's worth, i think you are outrageously strong.

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  43. I'll always think of you when I hear the song, "Love lives On" by Mallory Hope. You and your family are always in my prayers.

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  44. Your strength and grace amazes me every time I read your blog. I only hope to be half the military wife you are. Congrats on grad school! It's tough but you certainly won't regret a moment! Keep plugging away, girl!

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  45. Your post made me laugh and cry. You have so many people pulling for you and Buttons, as well as thinking about how Jonny still manages to guide your every step. Every time you write about him, he comes alive for so many people. I wish he were here... I mean, really here, but I happen to think that one can have a very strong presence even after they have gone past the exit sign.

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  46. I'm coming east. I'll be at Ft. Stewart with my husband and daughter. I'd love to meet you and listen to all your Jonny stories. If you want, I can come up there. Contact me through my blog. http://kitchendispatch.blogspot.com

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  47. Hugs from Georgia .. I am so sorry for the things you've had to go thru.
    Lyzz

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  48. Stay strong for that beautiful baby of yours. Words can't describe how badly I hurt for you even though we've never met. God bless you and your family.

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