Things have been weird lately. I've been in a funk again. Maybe it's March but I've just been so... well I guess depressed. I'd been doing alright but lately I just can't shake the "What we'd be doings" again. They creep up at the weirdest times. I know I will only make myself crazy with wondering what could have been but I can't stop it. I can't keep the feelings of how different my life would be if he were still here, and I long for it so badly. I long for what was "supposed to be." In my mind, my life is not on the track it is meant. I mean, obviously this is what is meant for my life and this is the path I was given, but it's still not right. This isn't where I should be, I should be with my one love not on this crazy train of widowhood. This whole path is pure insanity and so many days lately I just wish there were an easy button and that things would make sense. But I keep on trucking. I have no other choice and maybe one day it will all make some sort of sense... I hope. I dreamed of him the other night. I barely dream of him, and this one was a weird one. He was alive. He was in Florida. I couldn't get a hold of him though. It was like he had just picked up and moved to Florida instead of deploying and was living a whole other life. But he was alive and there was a possibility of fixing things in my mind. It's crazy but it's the truth. God, I miss him. No matter what I do I miss him. I guess people don't get that. They see me living this life and just going on and they think I move on and that it doesn't hurt but it hurts me every day. I miss him so deeply every day. I miss him, I miss our love, I miss our life.
Maybe it's the month of March... March sucks. I know this funk will pass a little bit eventually, it always does, and I'm pretty sure it'll be back again, it always does. It's a roller coaster of ups and downs. I guess I just gotta take them in stride. And I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, I've been doing that a lot lately too. I need to man up and find my backbone again. RAR!
But most importantly what I need to do right now... is study for midterms. Yup, even in beauty school we've got midterms. And I'm going to kick their ass!!
This post made me teary eyed. The pain never leaves, I'm sure. So many people expect you to move on with your life..but how can you? One of my best friends lost her little brother this and I see the pain in her daily still. You really are in my thoughts and prayers often Mrs P :D
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean about how we feel this isn't where we shouldn't be even though it really is. Hang in there love <3
ReplyDeleteKeep being strong girl even if you dont feel like you are! I read your blog frequently and only wish that if i was given the circumstances you have to endure that I would be remotely like you. It is okay to not be strong sometimes though , we are human !! ;) Good luck on your midterms and much love <3
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking about you sooooo much lately. I keep telling G.I. Joe "ugh, its almost March." Or "Its March now, I really wish I could give Rachel a big hug!" Since this is such a milestone we'll be praying for every step of the way. The whole "what we would be doing" thing seems so normal. I mean, its not at all the same but I think in those terms even when the soldier is just away somewhere. I think you should allow yourself time for those thoughts and if you need to get upset or angry about it. Get it out. But then say that for the rest of the day you will focus on Ari or something fun you've got going on. I'm not sure how/if people ever "move on" from things like this but just know you have people everywhere loving you and little Stink no matter what your mood :)
ReplyDeleteHey there Mrs. P! I have been reading your blog for a few weeks now. Gosh, I admire you. I myself am 22 yrs old and my husband has recently joined the army. This whole world of being a military wife is new to me...scary, yet exciting somehow. Reading your blog gives me hope, and inspired me to start my own blog as a way to organize my thoughts. I placed a link to your blog onto mine so that people can come see you from my page. its www.dogtagsanddevotion.blogspot.com if you could take a look and give me any pointers or tips, I would appreciate it as I am new to this blogging stuff!
ReplyDeleteYou kick butt girl! Hope this month gets better for you. You are in my prayers
ReplyDeleteKeep your head up Mrs. P! I don't want to say things get better with time because I've never been in your situation. But that's what I hear. Things get better with time. Plus you have that gorgeous babygirl to help you! I hope things get better soon!! xoxo
ReplyDeleteYou are probably the strongest woman I've ever seen/read, as horrible as this has all been for you I've read of your courage and strength, you are more than welcome to hate this month. I take a lot of encouragement from you, I look at the difficult things I've gone through and think that I am in no way able to complain because of someone as strong as you. Thank you, because I pray that God forbid anything were to happen to my love that I would be able to carry on as you have..
ReplyDeleteI hope that you find some peace and midterms go well, I personally hate tests and say we should rid the world of them ;)
What you said about going on with life and people never seeing the hurt reminded me of deployment. I felt like I was living two lives - an external one (that the rest of the world sees) and an internal one (the pain, the fear). I can't imagine going through a life-long deployment and I wish you didn't have to, either. xoxo
ReplyDeleteYour story and your blog inspire me. I am so sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteIt's only been not even a year...and you have the anniversary coming up so it's completely normal what you're experiencing. Possibly the hurt will never completely disappear but it will keep getting more bearable. Only a year in you are doing well x
ReplyDeleteHang in there! I am sorry you are feeling blah this month.
ReplyDeleteI have never been there, and by the grace of God never will be, but my Mom has. She says the first of everything is devastating. For the first 8 months after my dad died she can't actually recall much. She'd find herself in town and not know where the car was. Bought a fur coat that she swore she never bought, but there it was in the cupboard. Birthdays, his, hers, the kids, all very tough. Christmas the same. Major events just took their tole. But it gets better - doesn't go away, just gets easier to deal with.
ReplyDeleteYou'll be okay. I know you know that, but it doesn't feel like it right now.
You'll be okay. :)
So, I know I don't really "know" you, but if you're ever bored, or need a babysitter or just need someone to take you out, email me. I live on base and I'm relatively normal:) nomodellady@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog and you truly amaze me. Hoping you find your way out of your funk soon... hold that baby girl close and know that there are soooo many people out there that draw strength from yours!! Good luck with midterms!
ReplyDeleteHi Rachel, I started my blog again now that I have decided to be a stay at home mom. I have more time for that now I guess. Any way, A girlfriend of mine lost her mother two years ago. So last week on the anniversary, her father, brother, baby sister, and her wrote their mother letters. They tied these letters to the end of balloons and sent them off to heaven. It was a really awesome idea, which made me think of you and Ari. Maybe if you did something like that, you might even get a sign back from your babe!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this. I like that you've got such spunk, and spirit. Good luck on your midterms, and thank you for being you and sharing your story.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through. It all sounds completely normal and expected. Why should you feel ok and positive about everything everyday? You have been dealt a blow. You have to ride the waves of grief and some days will be easier than others. You sound like a fighter and you will adjust to your new "normal" eventually.
ReplyDeleteIt's not fair and it's not "right" and I can totally understand you feeling it's just NOT the right path for you. Sometimes it's really hard to accept the blows we've been dealt.
I have a sneaking suspicion, though, that your life will be wondeful and you will find joy and happiness again and he will be so proud of you for everything you accomplish, as he surely already is for how strong you have been not to fall apart.
You will rock those midterms. Go, girl!
I'm sorry you've been in such a funk, hope things get less funky soon, and good luck in your midterms!
ReplyDeleteRach, I missed this post being wrapped up in a chaotic month, but I've been thinking about you a TON lately. I know that this month is going to be rough for you, but remember there are SO many of us out here who love you a ton!
ReplyDeleteSending you a million hugs! Hope midterms went well!
OMG. I love your blog. The name is so creative. My name's Anna, I'm a stylist and visual merchandiser in LA. I'm 23 years old and moved to California after graduating back in south with a degree in visual merchandiser. I've worked with such designers as Max Azria, Nicole Richie, and my idol Rachel Zoe. I'd love if you visited my new blog for multiple posts a day on all things fashion. I'd love the support. I'm following you, I hope you'll do the same. Thanks so much.
ReplyDeletewww.fashboulevard.blogspot.com
I, too, have a sneaking suspicion, like Michelle said above, that your life will be wonderful again and Mr. P. will be proud of you. What you are feeling is normal and I think blogging about it is healthful for you. Praying for happier days for you in the future. Mary R.
ReplyDeleteOh love, I can't stop imagining how this can make you feel. You know you are in my heart always and I'm sorry that this time is especially difficult for you. You can get through anything even if you don't want to. You have amazing people in your life to get you through and that's why we are here. Stay strong girl and kick those mid-terms in the ass! :)
ReplyDeleteI too am a new follower. My heart goes out to you, such a tragedy.
ReplyDeleteMidterms might be a good distraction. So what exactly is a beauty school midterm? Written or do get to be creative?
http://beingthewifeofawoundedmarine.blogspot.com/ Found this blog by a wife of a marine who died. Don't know if you would be interested or not, but here it is. Mary R.
ReplyDeleteHey. I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you. I know tomorrow is a year for you. My "year point" is next month on the 20th and it's starting to freak me out a little. I hope that your day is filled with stuff to do and lot's of friends and love. <3
ReplyDeleteWe are thinking of you this week, and especially today. God bless your family and your husband.
ReplyDeleteIn all the crappiness of what you've had to face, you are doing a great job.
ReplyDeleteGood luck on your exams, girl.
thinking of you today. what a year for you and your family. my thoughts are with you.
ReplyDeleteOur son is currently deployed... As we prepare for him to come home next week I think of families like yours who didn't get the homecoming. I am on my knees every day asking God never to let us get that call that you received.
ReplyDeleteI cannot imagine your pain. All I can say is that I am so sorry, but I am also so proud of you for the way you are honoring your husband.
Know that you and all of our military families are loved. As you deserve to be.