Why is it so hard to be motivated? Why can't I just focus and get things done? Instead I'd rather run and hide... or sleep until June. None of which is an option. I feel vulnerable lately. I hate that feeling. I'd rather feel in control and I just... don't. And putting it here in the open, I suppose that makes me more vulnerable but it somehow helps. I don't know, makes no sense.
Why is so hard for people to just accept I am the way I am. I'm sorry my "circumstances" inconvenience you or make you feel uncomfortable. I'm sorry "we have different lives now." I'M SORRY THIS HAPPENED. If I could, trust you me, I would take it all back. In a heart beat. You don't think I wish every. single. day. I could have my life back? Unfortunately, I do, but all the wishing and hoping in the world isn't going to change it.
I have to make the best of what I have now. I have to or else I might just fall apart. I have to appreciate what I have, take the opportunities I'm given, hold my head as high as I can and keep trucking.
I'm sorry I'm a fucking lunatic just about every other day. My emotions go from 0-happy-hate in .32 seconds. You think I want to feel this way? You think I like this? I'm working as hard as I can to be normal, to be even, to just... be.
Instead of bailing on me, or writing me off, you should probably man up and face that death is a part of life. And so is sadness. And so is a little insanity. We've all been nuts before. We've all had our days. I'm doing my best but I'm worn out. Expressing my feelings right now is almost fruitless because there are just too many.
No, I'm not "over it." No, I'm not "better." Yes, I'm dating. Yes, I still love and miss him. Yes, it still hurts. Like a motherfucker. Yes, I'm still grieving even though I can laugh. Yes, I still need support. No, I'm not going to ask for it. I want to be strong, but it's impossible to be a brick wall all the time. Today, I'm a sponge. Soft and sad and smelly and full of holes.
I just want to scream. On a side note, mother nature, you're a bitch. Like I don't have enough emotions on a regular basis to deal with.
Sorry for the profanity, it's raw and it's real and it is what it is.
I know no words can make things better but I'm praying for you girl...and I pray that the prayers help. Thank you for sharing your life with us, even on the raw emotional days!
ReplyDeleteIf there is one person I could thank for being yourself, it's you. I am not in a situation like you, but I lost my sister to a drunk driver, and as time goes by, like you I've learned to laugh and smile, but it doesn't mean I'm still not grieving. Don't be sorry for being yourself! Your a strong girl, even when it may seem like your falling apart, it takes a lot to be brave and let your emotions out and I look up to you for that.
ReplyDeleteHello! I've been following your blog for awhile now and I just wanted to say that I hope you have more people who WANT to be in your corner than these folks who don't want to put in the effort to support you. I support you and wish you the best on this journey!
ReplyDelete-Stephanie
You make perfect sense. Get it out, any way... any how. Then breathe. Repeat if necessary.
ReplyDeleteYou should never be sorry for something that is WAY beyond our control. People like that have NO IDEA how traumatic events change your life. You're doing just fine, imo :) keep on truckin' girl, you're awesome!!
ReplyDeleteI haven't been in your shoes, but... you have every right to feel this way!
ReplyDeleteLet it all out girl. Do people actually tell you that you should be "over it" or think you should be "better"? That's absolutely absurd. Of course you're still grieving and of course you still need support and of course you can't be strong all the time. Anyone who thinks otherwise should be ashamed of themselves. Girl, whine away! Thinking of you and sending lots of hugs your way. :)
ReplyDeleteYour strength is inspiring. One day you'll wake up and realize that you weren't just surviving, but you are THRIVING! Don't let other's weakness make you feel incapable.
ReplyDelete{{hug}} sorry I can't do more. :-) you are in my prayers also
ReplyDelete<3 Love you girlie. Always here for you.
ReplyDeleteI have tried commenting before but for whatever tech-deficiency I have, I haven't been able. BUT, I want you to know I love you! I think you are great. You have a great perspective and just have a way of making things make sense (even when you think you make no sense at all). You can be happy, sad, funny, mean and whatever else and you have a good way of getting that out. This summer my mother's husband passed away and I directed her to you. Although he was not in the military the feelings and things she says, I've heard from you too. You're an amazing woman and I look forward to reading something from you everyday.
ReplyDeleteBilli
You don't need to apologize! Your blog is for you, and you should be able to share what you want to and how you need to in this space.
ReplyDeleteI pray that you will feel you are getting more of what you need from those around you who are able to provide it.
Keep strong. My father is EOD and not only has he seen a lot, but we have all experienced a lot of loss in this field. We encourage the families to do what you're doing-continue to love and remember him, but eventually move on with life. You can't live in sadness and grief. I'm happy for you that you have found another man who treats you the little one well. Semper Fidelis!!
ReplyDeleteNo need for apoliges. I love that your raw and real, thats why I read your blog. There is no sugar coating things and sometimes people need to hear the truth. Take your life day by day and remember he is always with you....
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine how hard it would be to lose your husband. I think you sound very strong!
ReplyDeletePS I love the sponge commment! Very true to how we all feel somedays!
((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry people are being idiots and don't realize that you will NEVER be "over" it... that while as time passes, the good days will increase and the bad ones will decrease... but you will still have bad days here and there--even 10 years from now.
I know it probably won't really help but I am sending you a *hug*
ReplyDeleteSending you tons of love Rachel. <3
ReplyDeleteIt is what it is. And what will be will be.
ReplyDeletePeace to you.
Ohhh Mrs. P. I totally feel you! Ok, my situation is WAY different than yours but still! I have NO motivation at all! I'm sinking back into a depression where I SOOO don't want to be! My husband walked out on me and me Aug 15th and it has been HELL since then. Doing better but I think it's the cold weather starting up for me that's the problem!! I hope things get better for you and you are able to snap outta it!! Keep your head up chick! :-)
ReplyDeleteOh and btw-I'm posting anonymously because blogger hates me and won't let me comment ugh. My name is Brianna. My email is briannar83@yahoo.com if you ever wanna talk!
Don't ever say sorry because (a favorite quote of mine), "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
ReplyDeletei am so sorry you are hurting, and feeling so alone. Thank you for sharing, you are such a strong woman. I'm glad you are home, and hope it helps a little.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could wrap my arms around you and give you the biggest hug on the planet. I wish I could tell you that one day all of this will make sense. I wish I could tell you that this will all work out, that you are strong and even though you can't believe it right now, this is exactly where you are supposed to be. You are a great Mom and the entire Marine Corps Family and USA owes an enormous debt to you and Ariana...forever. Period. Remember, Semper Fidelis. For those who are unable to recognize your sacrifice, that is their shortcoming. Rachel, hold your head high. Be proud. You deserve to grieve and live...all at the same time. God Bless...a faithful Marine Mom.
ReplyDeleteHUGS! Just keep doing the best that you can. that is all you can do.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you!
ReplyDeleteI'm soooo sorry the fall is a hard time for you. I know everything starts to snowball this time of year. I'm so glad you have a wonderful partner to support you.
ReplyDeleteI like the profanity, but that's just me! :)
I'm sorry you still have to deal with people who have a problem with you dating. AND with you grieving. wth. It's not like you chose this life!!! And there is NO REASON why you shouldn't date. I understand that at times it is hard, because of loving them both and all that. But you are not cheating on Jonny, at all, and anybody that thinks that needs to be kicked! I wasn't at your wedding, but I'm sure you said until death do us part. You are young and beautiful (not that old ugly folks don't deserve the same!) and deserve to be happy. Ariana deserves a Mom who knows how to smile and laugh and cry and be crazy.
I love seeing you happy again. I can see it on your face in your pictures. Your smile is bigger than it was last year, and you're able to have fun, which you should be having anyways! :)
I know in my heart that Jonny is smiling in heaven everytime you smile. That boy loved the hell out of you...
Now, are we kickin' someones ass? ((HUGS)) love you!
I'm here if you need me. As are lots of other people. xo
ReplyDeleteHello Dear, Im a new follower and would love to say I love your blog=))& Im very sorry about your loss.Your such a strong girl..
ReplyDeleteFollow back=)Hugs
Just found your blog and think it is incredible. Keep your head high, Mama.
ReplyDelete