I could whine. I could whine about how hard everything seems to be lately. But I just don't want to. I think it's this time of year. For some reason, fall kicks my ass, and I am a total negative nancy. I want to whine but I don't. I want to complain, and kick and scream and throw a tantrum. I want to tell all the people who I'm pissed off at right now how mad I am. I want to tell people that are hurting me how badly they are, even though I'm sure they aren't hurting me intentionally and probably haven't the slightest clue. I'm being sensitive. And stupid.
Why is it so hard to be motivated? Why can't I just focus and get things done? Instead I'd rather run and hide... or sleep until June. None of which is an option. I feel vulnerable lately. I hate that feeling. I'd rather feel in control and I just... don't. And putting it here in the open, I suppose that makes me more vulnerable but it somehow helps. I don't know, makes no sense.
Why is so hard for people to just accept I am the way I am. I'm sorry my "circumstances" inconvenience you or make you feel uncomfortable. I'm sorry "we have different lives now." I'M SORRY THIS HAPPENED. If I could, trust you me, I would take it all back. In a heart beat. You don't think I wish every. single. day. I could have my life back? Unfortunately, I do, but all the wishing and hoping in the world isn't going to change it.
I have to make the best of what I have now. I have to or else I might just fall apart. I have to appreciate what I have, take the opportunities I'm given, hold my head as high as I can and keep trucking.
I'm sorry I'm a fucking lunatic just about every other day. My emotions go from 0-happy-hate in .32 seconds. You think I want to feel this way? You think I like this? I'm working as hard as I can to be normal, to be even, to just... be.
Instead of bailing on me, or writing me off, you should probably man up and face that death is a part of life. And so is sadness. And so is a little insanity. We've all been nuts before. We've all had our days. I'm doing my best but I'm worn out. Expressing my feelings right now is almost fruitless because there are just too many.
No, I'm not "over it." No, I'm not "better." Yes, I'm dating. Yes, I still love and miss him. Yes, it still hurts. Like a motherfucker. Yes, I'm still grieving even though I can laugh. Yes, I still need support. No, I'm not going to ask for it. I want to be strong, but it's impossible to be a brick wall all the time. Today, I'm a sponge. Soft and sad and smelly and full of holes.
I just want to scream. On a side note, mother nature, you're a bitch. Like I don't have enough emotions on a regular basis to deal with.
Sorry for the profanity, it's raw and it's real and it is what it is.