New Year's Resolutions: Peace

I don't usually "do" New Years Resolutions. Why? Because I always break them. If I want to make a change, why not do it whenever it's needed, instead of when it's expected? I've recently been on this get-healthy kick, which I suppose can be incorporated into a resolution, as I want it to continue through 2012 and, well, life. But, I started it before the New Year. I think I'll be more resolved (get it, get it?) to stick to it having started it before the day I was "supposed" to. It's been fun, challenging, and interesting. I've been feeling better and healthier which has made me much happier. I feel like I'm being a better mom by taking care of myself better. How can you take care of someone else if you don't really take care of yourself (ok, you can, but still, you should be at your peak to take care of someone else, that's the point I'm making)? So, the family as a whole has gotten healthy and I think it's going to be a great year for our bodies!

I have been reading a lot of other people's resolutions, though, being inspired by what people want to focus on for the upcoming year. I came across an awesome quote concerning New Years Resolutions that I want to share. SpouseBuzz recently featured a post, Most Miserable MilSpouse Wins, discussing the "my life is worse" debate that often raises up amongst milspouses - who has it worse? While it was a very interesting, and true article, it's not exactly what I'm writing about right now. The first comment on the post is what really grabbed me. S2 HH6 posted:
A few years ago, I chose to quit making resolutions and instead opted for the "One Word" for the year. In earlly January, I begin praying for my "One Word" from God for the year as a way to focus on the positive rather than the negative words that can wreck a whole year. This has really helped me. Maybe it will help others too. For me it is a process and not me choosing one word to work on like a resolution, but rather a process of reflection and enlightenment through prayer. My "One Word" for 2012 is still in the reflection stage... maybe Thoughtful, Thankful, Love, Mercy, Grace, Renewal... we are about 9 months into an Afghanistan deployment and so ready for any of these! Prasing God in the process.

I was immediately struck by this. What an awesome theory. It was like a lightbulb went on in my head, and as soon as I read the comment, I had my word. Peace. That's it, it came to me, and I'll take that as my sign, handed to me from God because I've been asking Him for some guidance, my word for 2012 is simply peace.

I truly believe that 2012 is going to be a journey of peace for me. I've been saying for some time that I really want to cool my jets, settle down a bit. Not stretch myself or my family so thin, stop the constant running around I was doing the end of 2011. Reach a state of peace where I can just sit and not have to run away from the quiet that frightens me so. 
I try to focus on the good in my life. I've got a lot of it. I'm surrounded by people who love me, I have the most beautiful daughter, I've got an understanding and loving boyfriend, friends that would do anything for me, and I can't even begin to describe how amazing my family is. So, I choose to focus on positivity, it's there and I want to see it. That doesn't mean that the sadness and the pain aren't still here, lurking in the corners, coming out when I least expect it.

People have said to me that I've moved on, that I'm not sad anymore. I don't think they mean ill of it (at least not the ones I'm thinking of right now) but it's not true. I just try not to show it anymore. I don't want people reading my blogs and facebook posts and seeing a girl who pities herself. I want them to see a girl who still chooses to see the happiness after she thought it was gone. There aren't many who are privy to the Rachel meltdowns anymore. I keep those mostly for me (and well Z, he gets to see all of them... I really don't know how that man does it). I work through them. I pray, I yell, I cry. And then when it's done, I think of all I've got, I push forward.

I'm haunted. I don't ever permanently shake those feelings of sadness. My stomach still sinks daily when I think of Jonathan and the simple heartbreaking fact that he really is not here. My heart still misses him, almost constantly. I still endlessly wish he were here and am always wondering what my life could have been, but I can't let that take over my life.

I think part of the time I'm focusing on the postivity though, I'm also running from the sadness (we're getting back to the peace - I promise). I'm keeping busy so during the day I don't have time to feel sadness. I go from place to place so I can't settle into the dark shadows lurking in those corners. As long as I'm moving, my brain is moving, and the sad feelings are less likely to take over. I can push them back.

So in 2012, I think it'll be time to accept peace. I've accepted that my life is the way it is. Grief comes in cycles. I'm convinced that whole grief steps... stages... whatever... is bullshit. I'm sorry, but it's not like that, at least not for me. One day I accept it, the next I'm raving mad, it's whatever my body and mind and heart want to be at any given time, not some preset stages. If that were the case, I really would be "over it" by now not. I won't ever be, and those grieving know that's just the way it goes. But what I can do, is stop running from it. Accept it. Find peace in my sorrow. Find peace in knowing that I am not alone. Find peace in all the positivity instead of the guilt that, yes, still does creep in more often than you may think. Settle down. Clear my head. Woosaa and accept peace into my body, my mind, my heart, and my soul. Maybe, if I do that, I won't be so stressed out, too. Because I am wound tighter than an 8 day clock most days! 

So there it is, my one word, after so many in this post, is peace.

What's your word for this year, that great 2012?!

18 comments

  1. My word is success. I want to finish academy this year and be able to say that I successfully did it so I can become a police officer :)

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  2. I just wanted you to know how amazing I think you are. Being a military wife is the hardest thing I can imagine many days, but I can't even wrap my head around what you have gone through and continue to go through. I have often told my husband that you are probably one of the strongest women I "know". To go through what you have gone through ad to handle it in the way you have...I have nothing but admiration for that. Of course you still have bad days. You'd have no heart if you didn't, but the class and poise in which you have carried yourself amazing and awes me. I have nothing but admiration for you, and though we have never met in person, I feel blessed to have found this blog and to have been privy to the parts of your journey you have shared with all of us readers. You are the military wife that makes all us other military wives proud to be what we are! God bless you, your beautiful little girl, and your amazing husband!

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  3. Peace is a perfect word for the year. So many of us truly need to find some peace within our hearts and minds. Thanks for the gentle reminder!
    ~AM

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  4. I think peace is a perfect word! I think my word for 2012 will be Enjoy. I’m a planner and an organizer so sometimes I get caught up in that and I forget to enjoy. After my dad died I heard the best quote about grief from my therapist. She said “Grief is like a spiral staircase. You’re going around and around in circles, but in reality you are still going up and making progress.” I thought that was so true because, like you, my emotion and bad days come and go.

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  5. I agree with you about grief coming in stages. It's never happened that way for me either. Sometimes I wish it had, as it seems it would have made my days a lot more bearable! Good luck on your home plans. I do not have a blog or an address that I'd like to leave yet, so thank you for allowing anonymous postings. Keeping with your word of the year theme...peace out and have a happy new year, cool chick! :)

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  6. I have been following your blog for a few months now :) & noticed you are moving to Maryland!! That is where I live! I wanted to say Congrats on moving to MD, and I hope everything goes smoothly! Hope to hear from you! Happy New Year to you and your beautiful little girl!

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  7. Peace is a great word and I hope you find it this year. My word for 2012 is focus. I want to focus on the positive and make some changes in my life this year, such as putting more effort into my school work (I'm studying to be a teacher) and keeping in better touch with my long-distance friends. I've never done one little word before but I hope it helps guide me.

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  8. Sounds like an amazing plan, and I don't really believe in resolutions either. But your word sounds perfect. It's hard to imagine that people have said you have moved on and gotten over it. I am sorry, I believe you are choosing to live, what Jonathan would want you to do, and that you just don't broadcast your bad moments and break downs for the whole world to see. You are doing what is right for you and no one on the outside can say and judge of what you have or haven't done.
    I hope that 2012 is a great year for you and that your word is prevalent.

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  9. Awesome! I look up to you so much for being able to be a positive person despite what you've been through. That means you are amazingly brave and strong. Being positive is such a unique and uncommon quality anymore and I truly respect you for that!

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  10. Beautiful post. You are such an inspiration. You are so strong and you will only get stronger in the coming year. You know your husband is still with you and will be with you in the coming year to see you and your daughter grow. Remember it is ok to have bad days, weeks, months. God bless.

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  11. I'm soooo tired reading this post, so I hope my comment is clear and not all wacky. :)

    I really like the idea of the one word for the year. I think I'll do that, it's not too late right? (If I were to base it off the start of the year I'm pretty sure my word would be a bad word... like shitstain or fuck-bucket... but I'll get a good one!)

    I admire that you are focusing on the good, I think if you were just avoiding the good and focusing on the awful, you would slowly kill yourself... I'm glad you have sooooo much in your life to be happy and thankful about. You have amazing friends and better than amazing family.

    I love seeing you happy again. Having to go from seeing your face when you were with Jonathan to how it was after he died, was hard. But I see the happy Rachel again. I love that. I love being able to see the fun that you're having and even though the sadness is there, the happiness is too.. and I like that.

    I'm pretty positive this is a crazy comment. lol... I'll go to bed. <3 Hillary

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  12. Good post! And what a very good idea to have a word to focus on instead of the regular resolutions. ;) As soon as I read this I decided my word would have to be Achievement. My husband is currently deployed, and I have so many goals I'd like to achieve before he comes home. :)

    Stay strong and peaceful. Happy new year Mrs. P.

    All the best,
    ANOTHER Mrs. P.. ;-)

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  13. I love your word for the year. Peace would be incredible to have in life! You are always so inspiring and your outlook and honesty are refreshing. Praying for you and for finding peace!

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  14. This is beautiful. I wish peace for you in 2012.

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  15. I love the "one word" idea. I must admit that I've made several resolutions, but the "one" is simplify. Keep truckin'!

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  16. I like the idea of a word, but I don't know if I can pick just ONE. Resolutions are just too overwhelming, but it is almost just as hard to pick one word - one theme - to focus on. I have so many goals...

    I think mine would be forgiveness. I need to make this year about forgiveness. And not just in forgiving others, but in forgiving myself for mistakes that I've made.

    Sometimes I wish people could be like cars, in the sense that you could start over with a new one whenever you want. There aren't any blemishes, and you will be able to keep up with the maintenance because you're starting from scratch. But no. There's no starting over from scratch really. There's always baggage there. So, I guess what you have to do is learn to appreciate the vehicle for what it is, and where it's been, and then just keep enjoying the ride.

    Maybe I'll really try to make this a year of forgiveness. And just let everything go.

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