New Year's Resolutions: Peace

I don't usually "do" New Years Resolutions. Why? Because I always break them. If I want to make a change, why not do it whenever it's needed, instead of when it's expected? I've recently been on this get-healthy kick, which I suppose can be incorporated into a resolution, as I want it to continue through 2012 and, well, life. But, I started it before the New Year. I think I'll be more resolved (get it, get it?) to stick to it having started it before the day I was "supposed" to. It's been fun, challenging, and interesting. I've been feeling better and healthier which has made me much happier. I feel like I'm being a better mom by taking care of myself better. How can you take care of someone else if you don't really take care of yourself (ok, you can, but still, you should be at your peak to take care of someone else, that's the point I'm making)? So, the family as a whole has gotten healthy and I think it's going to be a great year for our bodies!

I have been reading a lot of other people's resolutions, though, being inspired by what people want to focus on for the upcoming year. I came across an awesome quote concerning New Years Resolutions that I want to share. SpouseBuzz recently featured a post, Most Miserable MilSpouse Wins, discussing the "my life is worse" debate that often raises up amongst milspouses - who has it worse? While it was a very interesting, and true article, it's not exactly what I'm writing about right now. The first comment on the post is what really grabbed me. S2 HH6 posted:

A few years ago, I chose to quit making resolutions and instead opted for the "One Word" for the year. In earlly January, I begin praying for my "One Word" from God for the year as a way to focus on the positive rather than the negative words that can wreck a whole year. This has really helped me. Maybe it will help others too. For me it is a process and not me choosing one word to work on like a resolution, but rather a process of reflection and enlightenment through prayer. My "One Word" for 2012 is still in the reflection stage... maybe Thoughtful, Thankful, Love, Mercy, Grace, Renewal... we are about 9 months into an Afghanistan deployment and so ready for any of these! Prasing God in the process.

I was immediately struck by this. What an awesome theory. It was like a lightbulb went on in my head, and as soon as I read the comment, I had my word. Peace. That's it, it came to me, and I'll take that as my sign, handed to me from God because I've been asking Him for some guidance, my word for 2012 is simply peace.

I truly believe that 2012 is going to be a journey of peace for me. I've been saying for some time that I really want to cool my jets, settle down a bit. Not stretch myself or my family so thin, stop the constant running around I was doing the end of 2011. Reach a state of peace where I can just sit and not have to run away from the quiet that frightens me so. 

I try to focus on the good in my life. I've got a lot of it. I'm surrounded by people who love me, I have the most beautiful daughter, I've got an understanding and loving boyfriend, friends that would do anything for me, and I can't even begin to describe how amazing my family is. So, I choose to focus on positivity, it's there and I want to see it. That doesn't mean that the sadness and the pain aren't still here, lurking in the corners, coming out when I least expect it.

People have said to me that I've moved on, that I'm not sad anymore. I don't think they mean ill of it (at least not the ones I'm thinking of right now) but it's not true. I just try not to show it anymore. I don't want people reading my blogs and facebook posts and seeing a girl who pities herself. I want them to see a girl who still chooses to see the happiness after she thought it was gone. There aren't many who are privy to the Rachel meltdowns anymore. I keep those mostly for me (and well Z, he gets to see all of them... I really don't know how that man does it). I work through them. I pray, I yell, I cry. And then when it's done, I think of all I've got, I push forward.

I'm haunted. I don't ever permanently shake those feelings of sadness. My stomach still sinks daily when I think of Jonathan and the simple heartbreaking fact that he really is not here. My heart still misses him, almost constantly. I still endlessly wish he were here and am always wondering what my life could have been, but I can't let that take over my life.

I think part of the time I'm focusing on the postivity though, I'm also running from the sadness (we're getting back to the peace - I promise). I'm keeping busy so during the day I don't have time to feel sadness. I go from place to place so I can't settle into the dark shadows lurking in those corners. As long as I'm moving, my brain is moving, and the sad feelings are less likely to take over. I can push them back.

So in 2012, I think it'll be time to accept peace. I've accepted that my life is the way it is. Grief comes in cycles. I'm convinced that whole grief steps... stages... whatever... is bullshit. I'm sorry, but it's not like that, at least not for me. One day I accept it, the next I'm raving mad, it's whatever my body and mind and heart want to be at any given time, not some preset stages. If that were the case, I really would be "over it" by now not. I won't ever be, and those grieving know that's just the way it goes. But what I can do, is stop running from it. Accept it. Find peace in my sorrow. Find peace in knowing that I am not alone. Find peace in all the positivity instead of the guilt that, yes, still does creep in more often than you may think. Settle down. Clear my head. Woosaa and accept peace into my body, my mind, my heart, and my soul. Maybe, if I do that, I won't be so stressed out, too. Because I am wound tighter than an 8 day clock most days! 

So there it is, my one word, after so many in this post, is peace.

What's your word for this year, that great 2012?!

The Last Few Months

Wrote this a couple days ago, guess I forgot to hit Publish instead of Save... oops!

I've been promising and promising a post recapping the last few months. I am hoping a whole bunch of you haven't lost hope in me with my lack of blogging, it's just been a whirlwind of things happening and blogging got pushed to the wayside, but I'm going to work on making sure I'm here at least weekly. I guess the last time I really updated was October, after the American Widow Project getaway even in Kennebunk, Maine so maybe we should start from there? I know I've briefly mentioned some of the things I'm going to talk about but I figured I'd go into a bit more detail because I've been lacking in really posting about any of these adventures.

October (the rest):
Went to BlogHer Writer's Conference. It was pretty awesome. I was both encouraged and discouraged, almost simultaneously, if that's even possible. I don't think it's a big secret I aspire to one day be a writer. Many people tell me now that I am a writer, considering I'm writer right now (a-duh) and I do write for the incredible DStripped, so I guess I'm part of the way there, but I really want to write a book one day - that kind of writer. I suppose the more accurate term would be "author." I felt this conference might help me see where to begin in my journey of becoming an author. And that it did. It helped prepare me for all that writing your own book entails. I met some really cool people, (finally got to meet Karie in real life) and learned all about the process of becoming an author. The reason I was discouraged... well, it's a lot more work than I anticipated. Now, that doesn't mean I'm not going to try. Anything worth having is worth working for, it was just a bit of a realty check. Possibly the realty check I needed to really get to work and put my all into my writing and possibly the realty check to make sure the timing is right before I really do that. So all in all, a great conference.

Z came with me to New York for the weekend of the conference and in off time from the conference we enjoyed site seeing and just hanging out in one of my favorite cities. He surprised me with tickets to go see Wicked on Broadway which was indescribably awesome. I'm pretty sure I had tears in my eyes the majority of the show because I was so awe-struck with the awesomeness that is Broadway and seeing one of my favorite plays. I got to meet a long-lost second cousin who was super cool and got to hang out in the city with her, a real New Yorker and have some family bonding. And we ate some real NY pizza. Mmmmm.
Definitely a wonderful weekend that I will not soon be forgetting.

In the chair before Wicked with my program

Halloween was soon after we got back to NY and we celebrated it at my mom's house in Maryland. We chose to do a Wizard of Oz theme. I hand made the costumes, actually sewing when it came to Ariana's. Mine had one store bought part - the corset - but besides that I made the rest, even the crown. Z and I made his together. The night before Halloween Z and I had our "adult" Halloween night and went to a local bar where we had a blast. We even ended up winning Best Couple's Costume. The tin man and Galinda the good witch - quite the pair!
On actual Halloween night, we took A to trunk or treating at Ripkin Stadium. We figured this might be better for someone as young as her rather than walking through neighborhoods. It was certainly the right choice, as it was pretty chilly out, the cars were parked close together and by the time we were finished with the cars A was so over the whole thing. She did great though, she even finally started saying "Please" to the people instead of trick or treat - still working on that one. She didn't quite understand all that was going on, just that she and everyone else was dressed silly and she was getting yummy treats but we still had fun and we also met a lion and scarecrow to complete our Wizard of Oz crew while we were there! It was a super fun Halloween and I'm looking forward to next year's!

A and I before we left for trunk-or-treating

All of us after trunk-or-treating, A as Dorothy, Mom as the Wicked Witch, Z as Tin Man and me as Glinda the Good Witch

November:
We headed back home to NC for a few weeks in November to just be home and chill out. I also had the Air Combat experience that I mentioned a while back. It was nice to be home and in our own space but I was sad to be away from my parents. I just had been having so much fun being in Maryland and I find the more I'm away from there, the more I want to go back.

My air combat experience was the definition of exhilarating. It ended up being 4 hours from the house (instead of the 2 I'd thought it was... should have looked it up) so a friend of mine came with me and Z stayed with A so she didn't have to endure another long car ride and waiting around while I flew a plane for an hour. Flying the plane... gosh, what can I say. It's so hard to describe but I certainly felt super alive. I won 3 out of the 6 dog fights in the sky, so I'd say it was a generally successful day. After the event we watched a video of the during and I couldn't believe what I'd just done. To read the whole story you should definitely check it out in the Fall/Winter edition of DStripped, as I wrote a complete recount of the experience for the mag! When I got home Z had dinner made and there was one little girl who was happy to see me. Definitely another awesome and memorable day.

Ratso and I (call sign earned: Screamer) pre-takeoff

Then in November, we decided to spend Thanksgiving in Wisconsin with Z's family. We stopped at my family's in Maryland first, spent the night and were on the road the next day. It took 16 hours to get there and I am still so very, very proud of my little girl. She did so well on the drive even with little sleep. Then when we got there, she went right to bed like a good girl. She's so awesome and such a good traveler (wow, I say awesome a lot. Maybe I should watch less Cake Boss!).

I had so much fun in Wisconsin. I really thought I was going to hate it, being the middle of America and all, but it was really nice and we had a blast. Z's family is just awesome and I really enjoyed getting to know them. We had a big Thanksgiving dinner at his mom's house with foods I helped make (pretty proud of that fact, I'm definitely learning my way around the kitchen these days!), we went to a concert to see his uncle's band play, had a themed family dinner at Z's uncles - South American theme, yum - we went to the Wisconsin Dell's and had so much fun on the indoor water parks, A loved to play in the kiddie area and was so cute. We also went and visited Z's horses. A loved petting them but was not so happy when we tried to set her on one. It's ok, she'll grow into horses! We did a million other things too, movie nights, family visiting, seeing the lights. A really cool dinner at an Inn themed in 40s style with little shareable food. I could go on and on about our Wisconsin trip. I really, really enjoyed myself. I definitely think we'll be visiting the middle of America at least a couple times a year, it's a pretty awesome place (there's that word again!)

Us at the Dell's (water slides in November in Wisconsin?? YES PLEASE!)
Z and I at the neat themed restaurant, the Baker House - you got to pick out hats!

After that trip, we returned back to Maryland to begin December, but I will leave that for Part II, as not to overload one post with catching up!