Always with the Roller Coaster Analogies

I think man created roller coasters as a simulation of real life.  Of emotion and events of a person's lifecours.  I know, I know, it is so cliche to say Oh life is such a roller coaster, but I mean it is so accurate - the ups and downs, the turns, the loops.  Roller coasters were made to be fun, are the ups and downs what make lief fun as well? If you think of the other cliche quote, Without the rain you wouldn't appreciate the sunshine, this makes a little sense, we appreciate the happy days more because we have to experience the sad ones, too. The ups and the downs.  If it was all ups, it would be predictable and we wouldn't appreciate them nearly as much. Maybe?
So I could start off by saying things have been a rollercoaster around these parts, but that's to be expected because hey - it's life! A close family member of mine is experiencing some extreme hardships.  Due to their privacy, I'm not going to really get into what's going on, but I would like if you would send some prayers and happy thoughts to my family, we could really use some uplifting during these tough times. 
While my thoughts have been mostly preoccupied by my family situation, I was pleased to have a couple of the "ups" of life's roller coaster this week as well.  I found out a few days ago that I was selected to be kept on as a permanent employee at my job.  I was hired as a temp, but a few spots opened up and I was one of those chosen to be kept.  I was pretty stoked to hear that, because I was just preparing for the transition of going back to not working. Phew.  Then yesterday, I got some exciting news that I have been waiting for  and can't keep to myself any longer - I applied for graduate school and got accepted!  Starting in the fall, I will be on the journey towards a Master's Degree in Professional Writing. I waso so excited to receive that letter yesterday and then reality came crashing into me when I thought - CRAP how in the world am I going to swing this.  Thanks to my awesome mom, I'm pretty sure I will make it work. I'm a lucky gal with a great support team. I want to show my daughter that it is okay  to strive to be better in life and that anything is possible.  Hopefully when she is older she will think of me as a hard worker who followed her dreams and I will inspire her to do the same.
I didn't think much could take me down from the high of opening that letter yesterday, but life through me through a loop, yet again.  After dinner at my mom's, my mom brought over the wishbone they had drying out to A and I.  She told  A she needed to make a wish and then we'd break the wishbone and whomever ended up with the larger piece would get their wish granted.  I made my wish in my head, and then encouraged A to do the same.  She, being a 4 year old, spoke her wish outloud.  "I wish... I wish.... I wish for my daddy to come back to us," she proudly announced.  Insert instant heartbreak.  I guess it wasn't fair of us to insuate that her wishes actually could come true.  I really thought she'd wish for a swing set or new toy or vacation.  That's what I get for thinking.  I choked back tears as we both pulled the wishbone together.  And you know what happened? No one won.  The wishbone snapped, the top piece flew off and she and I were left holding equal sized pieces.  Balance. The laws of the Universe.  It wouldn't have been fair to tell her flat out no, but of course there was no way she could win, so in the end what needed to happen happened.  How it happened, I will never know.  Coincidence? Fate? Universe balancing? Who knows.
It certainly put me in a funk for a bit.  She's been talking about him more.  After we broke the wishbone, she told me, I really miss my daddy.  My little girl misses the dad she never got to meet and it breaks my heart.  She tells me often how she wants a daddy.  Sometimes she'll say things out of the blue like I don't have a daddy. I remind her that she does, he's just in Heaven, but he is always, ALWAYS with her.  It's hard to make a 4 year old comprehend this when she just wants her daddy. Sigh. I wish I could take the ache of his loss away from her.  No, actually I don't. Our pain makes us who we are, and missing him reminds us that he was here and that we are so loved.  I do wish, though, that she could have had the life we were planning on, that she could have grown up with her daddy.  Since that is yet another wish that can't be granted, my practical wish is that I can do my best for her.  That she will always know that she is loved.  Maybe, that I can find an earthly dad for her since her dad has to be in Heaven.  Those are my practical, possible wishes.
After that, she and I enjoyed the rest of our evening.  It went really well actually, another "up" so to speak.  I can't stop thinking about her dad and her though. I can't stop thinking of the realities of life's fragility.  And above all else, I can't stop trying.

1 comment

  1. You are such an excellent woman and a fantastic role model for your little girl and for all of us really. I am a single mother working full time as a teacher and I also pursue a masters degree in social work full time, so YES, I agree with you that it is great to show our girls hard work to reach our dreams. School, work, and motherhood…it can be done thanks to blessed grand parents. I do not know what I would have done without my mom and dad.

    Best of luck to you!

    Kind regards,
    Anneli in Sweden


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