Overload

Do you ever feel that you have so many thoughts happening in your brain that if you add just one more the whole thing might just explode? Or so many things to write about you try and your fingers get cramped up before you're even a millimeter through what you need to get out?  That's about where I'm at these days.  The funny thing is, it looks to you as if I haven't been writing, but I have been, just not posting.  I just can't make sense of so much that's going on upstairs.

A week ago was my five year wedding anniversary. FIVE years. Can you believe it? And he's been heaven bound over four... What is five years anyway? Wood?

I'm starting graduate school in the fall. I know I've mentioned it but I can't believe it at all. I'm excited and terrified at the same time. I may or may not have the nerves poops on my first day.

We lost my uncle to his battle with cancer last month.  Cancer sucks. Death sucks. Many people try to comfort those experiencing a loss by reminding us they're in a better place. Which I don't doubt. But the selfish human parts of us just want them here with us. It's hard to believe nearly a month later that he's really gone.  Someone who was so full of life and laughter and love and fun isn't on this earth anymore. It's harder to believe it was near a year after his diagnosis that God took him home. But then again, it's still hard to believe that someone as full of life as Jonny was is gone sometimes even four years later. People always say there's some kind of reason behind these things but until I know the reason I don't want to be reminded there is one because at this current time, it sucks.

I filmed a Memorial Day special with HLN that will be airing, of course, on Memorial Day. Sharing Jonny's story has been so important to me over these years, and I'm pretty excited for the piece.  I'll be sharing more about that as it gets closer, but I wanted to thank the folks at HLN for reading and working with us and for most importantly honoring Jonny.

Sometimes I'm so selfish.  I get wrapped up in my own crap that I forgot about others'.  I don't like realizing this about myself. Every person is going through some sort of trouble and relationships are such two way streets. I hate thinking of myself as self absorbed but heck here I am writing about myself. I wish I knew the way to be a better person. Sometimes I look at all the ways I've changed over the years and I'm proud of what I've endured, then I see some changes that just make me want to hang my head in shame. I need to work on that.

We bought chickens.  To add to our little mini farm that's not really a farm. Can't argue with having farm fresh eggs. It's really neat to watch Ariana watch these little chicks grow. I'm excited for her to see another place where food comes from. I think it's important to teach our kids about hard work and rewards, life in general, and the processes that take place to support life.

My kiddo knows more about death than most adults. Well maybe not knows, but it's not as taboo for her, she talks about it openly. I wonder if this will be a good thing or a bad thing down the road. I'm sad that she has experienced loss in such a way that it's stuck with her at such a young age, but I'm glad that she seems to be grasping these hard topics and not afraid to discuss them. It is, in fact, an inevitable part of life. Maybe she will be a grief counselor or a motivational speaker one day. Maybe she will be an artist or an architect, too though. Sometimes she'll songs about her uncle and her daddy who died. The other day she handed me a pretend phone. I thought she was going to chat with me but instead she said, "Hi it's daddy from Heaven." After a heart stopping second I replied, "Oh hello it's good to hear from you, how are you?" "I'm good, it's very nice up here."  Thanks for the reassurance kiddo. Then she said Oh it's time to talk to Uncle Chris, and it went on like that for a little bit.

Sometimes I feel lost, like I don't know which direction is up and which way I want to head anymore. Sometimes I feel like I'm steady treading water but I can't quite reach the shore to have a rest. I should quit smoking so I don't get so winded while treading...

I want to be a better person. I really, really do. I've been in a funky mood lately. I still feel the happiness and stuff but I've just been in a really weird place.  Maybe it's just all that seems to be going on at once.

I need to put Ariana's bike together.  I am really hoping to be able to enjoy bike rides throughout the summer. Did you know kids bikes come in a frickin box that you have to assemble?! Adult bikes you push to the register, kids' bikes, you hunt for a wrench...

This was an incredibly disjointed entry... to post or not the post... that is the question.
Here goes nothin'.