Rodeo Clown

One thing I've always prided myself on is having the ability to laugh at myself.  It's very rare that I take myself seriously.  I'd rather be goofing off and making fun out of life, because I really want to enjoy my time here.

When I was a kid, I really disliked going to Sunday school.  I was raised Catholic and thus we attended a Catholic church and Sunday school.  It always seemed as if the kids there all knew each other and I was an outsider.  I never really felt I fit in there.   I was kind of a shy kid - believe it or not. I told my dad that I really didn't like going, that it wasn't fun and I didn't have friends there.  I will never forget the lesson he taught me, as I've lived by it ever since (and it might help explain why I am usually ridiculous).  He told me you can make fun out of anything, you just have to find a way how.  He never said don't take your studies seriously, or don't learn, he just said find a way to enjoy even the things you don't really like to do.  Because let's face it, as adults, hell as children even, we all have to do tons of things we don't like to do (I type this as I wait on laundry to finish so I can switch the wet load over before bed and not have a stinky load of clothes... which happens... a lot).

So I went forth with his advice.  I became a bit of a goofball.  I still take things seriously, I've always done well in school and I always try to do a good job at work, whatever work that may be at the time, but I find ways to enjoy it.  I chat and make friends, I tell really, really corny jokes. I dress in silly outfits.  Just things to make me, and sometimes even the people around me, smile and enjoy even the yucky tasks.

I really hate running. Like super hate it. But I've always been pretty intrigued by fun runs. (Yea, I know, makes no sense to me either). Maybe the obstacles and the getting dirty are the silly part of running that make me actually want to do the task I hate - run.  So when I saw the ROC (Ridiculous Obstacle Challenge) Race was coming to Baltimore - I had to try it. I mean, who hasn't watched Wipe Out! and totally wanted to try those crazy stunts. So today a group of friends and I set out to conquer the blow up appartuses (apparati?) that were erected throughout Baltimore.  Ok, so it definitely didn't help me enjoy running... in fact to be honest, I didn't even run much (nothing like something physically demanding to show you how wickedly out of shape you really are), but I had so much fun!  Some people were there in silly outfits.  Some were there looking relatively cute with makeup and stuff (hey no judgement here, I just don't get the point myself but I'm not pro!) not I! I got totally into the ridiculous theme.  In fact, I looked like this:

The Hillbilly Hustlaz (another stroke of creative genius stolen from my dad), Thanks Guys!

Go ahead, laugh. I was. All the way to the finish line (even it took me a bajillion hours!) It was such a hilarious and fun filled day. I'm so thankful to have friends who get goofy with me, especially when I really need a pick me up.

People have asked me how I could still laugh in the times shortly after Jonny's death, or how I can laugh and say some of the inappropriate widow humor things I say (we're dark, dark people) and the truth is that I would much rather be laughing than crying. Life is hard. There is no doubt about that.  And often, life isn't funny at all. But if we take a moment to find something even remotely amusing even in the hardest of times, if we can find our sense of humor even when everything looks bleak, than maybe we might have a little hope to keep smiling and laughing all the way to the finish line.

Overload

Do you ever feel that you have so many thoughts happening in your brain that if you add just one more the whole thing might just explode? Or so many things to write about you try and your fingers get cramped up before you're even a millimeter through what you need to get out?  That's about where I'm at these days.  The funny thing is, it looks to you as if I haven't been writing, but I have been, just not posting.  I just can't make sense of so much that's going on upstairs.

A week ago was my five year wedding anniversary. FIVE years. Can you believe it? And he's been heaven bound over four... What is five years anyway? Wood?

I'm starting graduate school in the fall. I know I've mentioned it but I can't believe it at all. I'm excited and terrified at the same time. I may or may not have the nerves poops on my first day.

We lost my uncle to his battle with cancer last month.  Cancer sucks. Death sucks. Many people try to comfort those experiencing a loss by reminding us they're in a better place. Which I don't doubt. But the selfish human parts of us just want them here with us. It's hard to believe nearly a month later that he's really gone.  Someone who was so full of life and laughter and love and fun isn't on this earth anymore. It's harder to believe it was near a year after his diagnosis that God took him home. But then again, it's still hard to believe that someone as full of life as Jonny was is gone sometimes even four years later. People always say there's some kind of reason behind these things but until I know the reason I don't want to be reminded there is one because at this current time, it sucks.

I filmed a Memorial Day special with HLN that will be airing, of course, on Memorial Day. Sharing Jonny's story has been so important to me over these years, and I'm pretty excited for the piece.  I'll be sharing more about that as it gets closer, but I wanted to thank the folks at HLN for reading and working with us and for most importantly honoring Jonny.

Sometimes I'm so selfish.  I get wrapped up in my own crap that I forgot about others'.  I don't like realizing this about myself. Every person is going through some sort of trouble and relationships are such two way streets. I hate thinking of myself as self absorbed but heck here I am writing about myself. I wish I knew the way to be a better person. Sometimes I look at all the ways I've changed over the years and I'm proud of what I've endured, then I see some changes that just make me want to hang my head in shame. I need to work on that.

We bought chickens.  To add to our little mini farm that's not really a farm. Can't argue with having farm fresh eggs. It's really neat to watch Ariana watch these little chicks grow. I'm excited for her to see another place where food comes from. I think it's important to teach our kids about hard work and rewards, life in general, and the processes that take place to support life.

My kiddo knows more about death than most adults. Well maybe not knows, but it's not as taboo for her, she talks about it openly. I wonder if this will be a good thing or a bad thing down the road. I'm sad that she has experienced loss in such a way that it's stuck with her at such a young age, but I'm glad that she seems to be grasping these hard topics and not afraid to discuss them. It is, in fact, an inevitable part of life. Maybe she will be a grief counselor or a motivational speaker one day. Maybe she will be an artist or an architect, too though. Sometimes she'll songs about her uncle and her daddy who died. The other day she handed me a pretend phone. I thought she was going to chat with me but instead she said, "Hi it's daddy from Heaven." After a heart stopping second I replied, "Oh hello it's good to hear from you, how are you?" "I'm good, it's very nice up here."  Thanks for the reassurance kiddo. Then she said Oh it's time to talk to Uncle Chris, and it went on like that for a little bit.

Sometimes I feel lost, like I don't know which direction is up and which way I want to head anymore. Sometimes I feel like I'm steady treading water but I can't quite reach the shore to have a rest. I should quit smoking so I don't get so winded while treading...

I want to be a better person. I really, really do. I've been in a funky mood lately. I still feel the happiness and stuff but I've just been in a really weird place.  Maybe it's just all that seems to be going on at once.

I need to put Ariana's bike together.  I am really hoping to be able to enjoy bike rides throughout the summer. Did you know kids bikes come in a frickin box that you have to assemble?! Adult bikes you push to the register, kids' bikes, you hunt for a wrench...

This was an incredibly disjointed entry... to post or not the post... that is the question.
Here goes nothin'.

Always with the Roller Coaster Analogies

I think man created roller coasters as a simulation of real life.  Of emotion and events of a person's lifecours.  I know, I know, it is so cliche to say Oh life is such a roller coaster, but I mean it is so accurate - the ups and downs, the turns, the loops.  Roller coasters were made to be fun, are the ups and downs what make lief fun as well? If you think of the other cliche quote, Without the rain you wouldn't appreciate the sunshine, this makes a little sense, we appreciate the happy days more because we have to experience the sad ones, too. The ups and the downs.  If it was all ups, it would be predictable and we wouldn't appreciate them nearly as much. Maybe?

 

So I could start off by saying things have been a rollercoaster around these parts, but that's to be expected because hey - it's life! A close family member of mine is experiencing some extreme hardships.  Due to their privacy, I'm not going to really get into what's going on, but I would like if you would send some prayers and happy thoughts to my family, we could really use some uplifting during these tough times. 

 

While my thoughts have been mostly preoccupied by my family situation, I was pleased to have a couple of the "ups" of life's roller coaster this week as well.  I found out a few days ago that I was selected to be kept on as a permanent employee at my job.  I was hired as a temp, but a few spots opened up and I was one of those chosen to be kept.  I was pretty stoked to hear that, because I was just preparing for the transition of going back to not working. Phew.  Then yesterday, I got some exciting news that I have been waiting for  and can't keep to myself any longer - I applied for graduate school and got accepted!  Starting in the fall, I will be on the journey towards a Master's Degree in Professional Writing. I waso so excited to receive that letter yesterday and then reality came crashing into me when I thought - CRAP how in the world am I going to swing this.  Thanks to my awesome mom, I'm pretty sure I will make it work. I'm a lucky gal with a great support team. I want to show my daughter that it is okay  to strive to be better in life and that anything is possible.  Hopefully when she is older she will think of me as a hard worker who followed her dreams and I will inspire her to do the same.

 

I didn't think much could take me down from the high of opening that letter yesterday, but life through me through a loop, yet again.  After dinner at my mom's, my mom brought over the wishbone they had drying out to A and I.  She told  A she needed to make a wish and then we'd break the wishbone and whomever ended up with the larger piece would get their wish granted.  I made my wish in my head, and then encouraged A to do the same.  She, being a 4 year old, spoke her wish outloud.  "I wish... I wish.... I wish for my daddy to come back to us," she proudly announced.  Insert instant heartbreak.  I guess it wasn't fair of us to insuate that her wishes actually could come true.  I really thought she'd wish for a swing set or new toy or vacation.  That's what I get for thinking.  I choked back tears as we both pulled the wishbone together.  And you know what happened? No one won.  The wishbone snapped, the top piece flew off and she and I were left holding equal sized pieces.  Balance. The laws of the Universe.  It wouldn't have been fair to tell her flat out no, but of course there was no way she could win, so in the end what needed to happen happened.  How it happened, I will never know.  Coincidence? Fate? Universe balancing? Who knows.

 

It certainly put me in a funk for a bit.  She's been talking about him more.  After we broke the wishbone, she told me, I really miss my daddy.  My little girl misses the dad she never got to meet and it breaks my heart.  She tells me often how she wants a daddy.  Sometimes she'll say things out of the blue like I don't have a daddy. I remind her that she does, he's just in Heaven, but he is always, ALWAYS with her.  It's hard to make a 4 year old comprehend this when she just wants her daddy. Sigh. I wish I could take the ache of his loss away from her.  No, actually I don't. Our pain makes us who we are, and missing him reminds us that he was here and that we are so loved.  I do wish, though, that she could have had the life we were planning on, that she could have grown up with her daddy.  Since that is yet another wish that can't be granted, my practical wish is that I can do my best for her.  That she will always know that she is loved.  Maybe, that I can find an earthly dad for her since her dad has to be in Heaven.  Those are my practical, possible wishes.

 

After that, she and I enjoyed the rest of our evening.  It went really well actually, another "up" so to speak.  I can't stop thinking about her dad and her though. I can't stop thinking of the realities of life's fragility.  And above all else, I can't stop trying.

Work and What To Expect

Hello people of blog land! How goes it after all this passed time? Life in the land of Mrs P has been quite thrilling as of late. The biggest news I have to share is that for the first time ever in my life, I have a full time job. I work 40 hours a week, 8 to 430, Monday through Friday. I often wondered if I would ever see the day! I'm still very new at the working mom experience, and so far, if I had to sum it up in one word it would be hectic. In the mornings, I rush to get myself ready and suitable for work and A ready enough to travel from my house to my parent's. I am super lucky having my parents so close and so willing to help me out while I try out this whole working full time thing. My job is pretty interesting and I am pretty excited to see how it will go. Not really going to get into all of the specifics so let's just leave it at it's a pretty neat experience. Once we're out the ready(ish) and out the door, I drop A off with her favorite people and I head to work for the day. So far, I've met some really neat people which always makes new situations easier. I am, and always will be, the weird kid, and I am finally at a point in my life where I'm totally okay with it, in fact I embrace it. I think I make people laugh for the most part. I probably annoy them a little, too. I'm trying not to, sometimes I have a pretty big personality - ha. After work, I pick A up and head home to have some dinner. Some mornings I feel extra ambitious and make crock pot meals that are ready when we arrive home and other evenings I just cook when I get home. I have cooked every night that I've worked except one, though, and I feel super accomplished when I realize that I am somehow doing "it all." After dinner it's some playing/chilling out time, then bed time. Rinse and repeat for 5 consecutive days. Add in dance class for A on Friday nights. That's the jist of my life these days.

The transition from stay at home most the time mom to working full time hasn't been the easiest. Getting up super early (AKA before my kiddo) is definitely not my favorite thing to do. I often feel rushed and overwhelmed. But along with that comes this awesome feeling of pride and accomplishment. Somehow I am finding a balance and handling this. I do tend to get a little grouchy in the evenings, and that is definitely on my agenda to work on. I think as I adjust to the changes in sleep and the tiredness from working and using my brain again (not that I didn't use my brain with my kiddo, but you know, different brain usage).

Before working full time, I kind of envied working parents. Not that I am not crazy in love with my little princess, but sometimes hanging out with a four year old nearly 24/7 can be a little exhausting. She is an amazing little kid, she entertains me, I learn from her, we have a great time. But sometimes it's nice to feel like a grownup. To have a little bit of something that's for me. It's also good to feel... productive. Not that raising a tiny human being is productive... I can't really articulate but anyway, I just thought it was a little cool and maybe, I hate to admit... easier. Now, I know that isn't the case. It's tough! It's a huge balancing act. BUT stay at home parenting isn't easy either! I always kind of feel SAHMs and working moms are kind of at war. Who's job is harder. Which way is the "right" way. Newsflash: They're BOTH freaking hard. Some in similar ways, and some in their own way. Heck - PARENTING is hard! What I think, is as long as you're doing what's best for you and what's best for your family keep on keepin on. Want to give something a shot? Want to try working? Try it. Want to try SAHMing? Try it. Ok, it's not that easy for everyone to just try something new. Like I said, I'm lucky. I have an awesome support system, my parents are A's best friends and she loves spending every day with them and they love having every day with her. Sooo... here I am, testing out being a working mom... wish me luck.

In other mom news, I have something very exciting to share. I was approached by the folks over at WhatToExpect.com, yes like the book and movie, What to Expect When You're Expecting, to guest post on their blog. The blog went live today and I'm pretty stoked for this opportunity. So if you have a second and want to hear more of my mumbo jumbo, head on over and check out my piece, and feel free (AKA please do) leave a comment for me over there!