I have been extremely defensive and overly sensitive.
I have realized that any type of criticism has made me extremely upset, any kind of disagreement has brought me to bring out the big guns.
I got thinking on this after I came to this conclusion. I feel like it is partially justified, I do feel like people are watching more than usual and waiting for me to do something crazy or even just a little bit off from what they think I "should" do. But being this girl who wigs out every single time she may even think someone has whispered about her is not me. Not at all. I've always been the kind of person to just brush it off. Oh, you think that? Ok, that's nice... but that girl has faded and this new person has emerged where every little thing gets me all bothered.
Lately, it's as if I feel the need to justify every single thing I do and say. Is that true? Are people really asking that of me or am I imagining it? Probably a combination of both. But for me to hear that people may be asking questions (especially without knowing if this is true and what those questions are) and turn it into something ugly is just nuts. It could be something ugly or it could not be. Who knows and really, who needs to know? Not me. I don't need to know (I know, I know I touched on this a little in the last post but this is a new side, ok guys?). And honestly, who knows how much of what I think people are saying is actually being said?? It's like I have been living in fear of people thinking or speaking bad of me that I have begun to just assume the worst - and that's just not a way to live.
I need to remember how to let things roll off again. I need to remember that every piece of criticism isn't meant to tear me down. And I need to stop being so damn defensive. Maybe not every one is out to get me so why I need to put up walls and justify myself to every single comment I really don't know.
I think part of it, these days, is because I want to do my very best representing my husband. I've always held being a Marine wife in such high regard because you represent your spouse and now that he is gone I want to make sure I represent him even better than I did before because he is not here to make his own statement. It's like I hold it solely upon myself to make sure every memory of him is a good one and that he is always remembered as a great person that I forget I am also still my own person. He is a part of me, yes, and things I do, do (haha do-do) reflect on him, but my choices and actions now are not going to mar anyone's image of him - and if they do, well then clearly that person didn't know him or us. And is me being a freak-out bitch over ever silly thing (or grilling people on whether or not people are talking about me) really representing him or myself well at all? Probably not.
I also realized I spend a lot of time bitching, especially on here, about what so-and-so said about me or what I think may have been said or who stopped being my friend or who commented my facebook status. It's ridiculous and not necessary. Like I said, I do not need to justify to anyone the things that I do and my real friends will accept me even if other people do feel the need to leave a nasty facebook comment or whisper ugly things. The people who love me will never be intentionally hurtful to me and they will understand I make the choices that make me happy, make life easier for me, or just seem to make sense at the time. I am living in fear that anyone will think ill of me and it is simply an impossible goal. It is impossible to make everyone like you. I always preach that part of the fun of being human is that not everyone agrees and I need to practice it a little more, not everyone is going to agree with the things I do or say, but that's ok, that's their choice to have a differing opinion and I don't need to be scared of people who don't agree. In the end I will know who is there for me and who is not and I will be stronger because of it.
So here's to trying to let some of the barriers down. Here's to trying to let things roll off my back. Here's to ignoring the whispers - those real and those imagined. Here's to trying to stop being so high-strung and sensitive, bitching about every little thing. Here's to stop trying to constantly "prove" myself. Here's to just enjoying life no matter what opinions people may have on it. Here's to looking for the positive in life and enjoying what I have. Here's to trying to just chill out.
I know you can do it chickadee! I say do whatever you need to do to make yourself happy, to feel better, and to make it through the day :)
ReplyDeleteI keep thinking of that old saying "The ones who mind don't matter, and the ones who matter don't mind." It's hard to remember sometimes, regardless of the situation, but it's good to see you embracing it. And you've got a beautiful piece of Jonny here with you who loves you no matter what anyone says about you!
ReplyDeleteYou are dealing with a lot, and its understandable I think that you might not "deal" with little things as well as you once did. That said I think it is admirable that you are recognizing something within yourself that you would like to change and aiming to change it FOR YOU, not for anyone else. Keep on keeping on, and I hope that you can find that place again where you don't feel the need to prove yourself.
ReplyDeleteI toasted this blog entry with a glass of Merlot! Here's to you Mrs. P!
ReplyDeleteThe unfortunate reality is that you probably are being watched more closely now. People have an opinion on what is "normal" during the grieving process, and everyone is different in that process. If you date too soon (not that you are even thinking about that), you will be judged. If you drink too much, you will be judged. If you spend a lot of money, you will be judged. If you go out a lot, you will be judged.
ReplyDeleteWhen someone loses their significant other, others are constantly looking for validation of your feelings for that person. If you do anything "too soon", others will assume that you are trivializing your husband's death, or that you aren't as affected as you should be.
It is a sad reality. There is no normal when grieving. Until you are in that situation, you cannot even begin to understand the loss and grieving process. It doesn't just have to be the loss of a significant other, but a parent, child, friend, etc. Everyone is different, but outsiders looking in don't always understand that.
You are amazing! And the anonymous commenter hit it on the nail. People are watching you because you are a reflection of your spouse but YOU don't need to "prove" anything. You just be the best person you are normally and let the naysayers talk. Your actions speak for themselves. But don't fret about venting on here, that's what the blogosphere is for!
ReplyDeleteYou go Miss Thang! :0) Remember, you are going through something that no one should have to, and there is no wrong way to behave. (Unless you go on a wild killing spree or something equally unlikely.) Where better to vent and air it all out than your blog. ;0)
ReplyDeleteLike JG said, those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. You're a very strong person from what I've gathered from my reading of your posts, I admire you. And in my opinion, trust your gut, majority of the time it's correct. You just have to try and not let it bother you. Sending you hugs and strength in my prayers tonight.
ReplyDeleteMrs. P - Opinions are like a--holes, everyone has one. ;-) Don't worry about what others say about you, they aren't important.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with "anonymous." There is no set-in-stone timetable for grief, just other people's expectations of what it "should" be. Experiencing the loss of a loved one has taught me that you really do go through the stages and not necessarily at prescribed intervals. The most important thing to remember during this agonizing process is to maintain a good, solid support system that stays by your side...no matter what.
ReplyDeleteIt's sad that people are so quick to judge. Your family and real friends will stand by you and support whatever decisions you make. I guess your right, it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks. Best wishes!
ReplyDeleteI think it is natural to want people to like you and to NOT want people saying things about you behind your back, or even negative things to your face...even I get paranoid about that kind of thing, and I am not in the same boat as you.
ReplyDeleteI Hope you can get to that place to just ignore the negative things people say...but I am here if you want to bitch in the meantime! :)
I think you doing an amazing job!! I've been following your blog for awhile now and I think that you are so strong in such a difficult situation. I think your daughter is going to see that when she grows up. You need to live your life and no one can tell you how to do that. If they feel that it isn't appropriate for you because you aren't really "thinking" about your husband than they have no idea. I can't possibly believe that he would not want you to live your life to the fullest. You go girl!
ReplyDeleteYou have a great new outlook:) Cheers to you!!
ReplyDeleteGood for you! I'm glad you're going to work on going back to who YOU are, because in the end it's all you've got to rely on - the fact that your husband was an amazing man will always stand true in your heart, and in the hearts of many others as well I'm sure, and that's the most important thing! I understand the want and need to represent your husband, though I am a Navy wife and not a Marine wife it's still a very large responsibility. You're doing a great job, keep it up Mrs. P!!! :)
ReplyDeleteI read through a few of your blogs and as soon as the tears stopped I had the urge to reach out to you.
ReplyDeleteI know what you're going through. A few years ago, I lost my soldier to an IED in Iraq. I had spoken with him less than 4 hours before he died, and I'll always cherish the conversation I had with him (you'd be surprised at how much you'll cherish the chastising you get over a credit card bill.) Here's my two cents-
The pain never completely goes away, but it dulls some. I remember feeling hopeless, like nothing I said or did was ever going to measure up to the standard that I held myself to because I carried his name, because I "represented" our family. That was my biggest mistake. He was as proud of me as I am of him and I know he's looking down on me. I know he wants me to be happy, so after a time, I began to pick up the pieces of my life and push on.
I got the dreaded phone call about two hours before the Casualty Notification Team showed up at my house. A close friend of ours deployed to a nearby base had gotten wind of his passing and called me before a stranger could tell me what happened. I'll always be thankful for that.
I sat through the memorial the Army set up for him with my head held high while my heart felt dead inside and I watched the other "war widows" (God, I hate that term) crumbling as the rifles were fired.
You, my dear are strong. You are invincible. You have suffered one of the greatest losses a woman could ever face- and you have pulled through it. Don't let anyone tell you that your husband was less than a hero. Don't let anyone speak negatively of our men and women who serve.
Hold your head high and know that you as well as your husband are America's heroes and know you're in our family's prayers.
It won't be easy, but you'll pick up the shattered pieces of your life and one day will find someone Jonny would approve of. He will never replace your husband, he will never fill that empty place in your heart, but he will support your decisions and love you, and in time, your heart will heal.
While I am not in your exact situation my life was altered by my husband being severely injured. I know what you mean about someone judging and watching your every move. However you are going through a huge change in your life. Things are different and you are going to do things differently than you did before. I like however that you are evaluating how you feel and learning better or different skills to handle what is being thrown at you. Life is full of constant checks and balances and I think you are handling it so well.
ReplyDeleteI think one of the reasons you are so bothered lately is because your emotions are dealing with a lot right now. You are in a very vulnerable state (even if you don't feel you are). You have a new baby, which messes with your hormones in and of itself, and you just lost your husband a few months ago. You have so much pressure on you right now that you are entitled to be a bit defensive. You are still trying to figure out your life and how your emotions, thoughts, feelings, and people fit in with your life.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you should have to justify yourself or your actions to anyone. I know people judge. Anonymous just said and I agree. But screw them. Who are they to you? You know the people that matter in your life and those are the ones you need to grasp onto and hold onto. And above all, the only people who matter are you and that baby of yours.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with people's petty and judgmental opinions. ((hugs))
Granted I don't know you, but I've been following your blog and I think you are doing as well as anyone else could. It seems to me that you are spending time with your baby, traveling, etc. Those seem like good clean ways to get out of the house and distract yourself at least for a little while. And I don't know what people could be saying behind your back, but I am assuming you aren't dumping your baby off and going out drinking every night. Although the best of parents need a night out with other adults sometimes too!
ReplyDeleteMaybe it would help to get out of Jacksonville? I've never been married to a Marine but I did date a LeJeune Marine and it seemed like the type of small-town feel that I had wanted to get away from post-high school. People know your business and they have an opinion on it.
I can see why you would want to be the best person you can be to represent him. But I think you're doing a great job. You're raising a baby by yourself, dealing with the hardest thing anyone will ever deal with, and to top it all off, you got into grad school! And you want to help other Marines when you finish. That's great! I know for a fact that if it were me, I would be having a terrible time just getting out of bed in the morning.
Like I said, I don't know you. I have not married a Marine (although I have been through one deployment as a faithful, loving gf and know that it sucks!). And as an outsider, a totally independent 3rd party, I think you are doing the best job.
Cheers! Here's to you Mrs. P!!
ReplyDeleteDo you have email. I can't seem to email you.
ReplyDeleteIf you're married to a Marine, raise your glass. If you're not, raise your standards.
ReplyDeleteI raise my glass to you, one of the best Marine wives I know.
Sometimes we all get into a funk. But you have to just keep reminding yourself that you are living your life for you and Ariana. Until they walk in your shoes and lived your life then to hell with what they think. You are surviving and getting through this the best way you can. No one is perfect. You will fall and you will succeed. You are creating a new stronger you right before your eyes.
ReplyDeleteThere are no set rules on grieving. I say you keep doing what your doing and dont let anyone tear you down. Your true friends and family will always stand beside you!
ReplyDeleteOk, we NEED to hang out! I have felt on display for 8 weeks and 3 days now, and I have Never been one of those people who cared about others opinions, but I have cared for the past 2 months and felt attacked and have Really gone on the attack myself lately. I get what you are saying and you are so right, on everything you said!
ReplyDeleteI think you are doing a damn good job in general. I wrote you an email awhile back about how incredible your voice is in your writing, and I continue to be impressed.
ReplyDeleteI think we are all works in progress, and those that actually take the time to re-evaluate themselves are the strongest. It is a fine line between speaking up, and letting some slide. At the end of the day, you have to be proud of what choices you have made with the information you had at the time. I think you need to kick back and tell yourself, "I am a damn good Marine Wife. I am strong enough to share my joys and sorrows with other people, and in doing that I add something to their lives as well."
I often wish I would let more things go, but then when I do, I let too much go and I regret letting people walk on me. And damn right you are defensive...it doesn't get much more personal than the love of your life.
I know that from a stranger, this may not mean much, and I have probably repeated the same theme others have, but you are doing a great job.
I think the best way to honor your husband is to focus on doing the things that you love. You are a Marine wife, you always will be --there is no question, nor is there a template for what one should be. Johnny, Marine Wife, the life, those are three things that will always be in your heart, will go whatever path you decide to set out upon.
ReplyDeleteSo do the things you love, keep building upon all the good things. Quit worrying about the onlookers. Those who consistently have nothing good to say, are really reflecting something very unhappy within themselves.
Reject their projections upon you. As you said, shrug it off. You don't need them, as much as they need to reach out and try to hurt you.
I truly wish you had never had to go through what you have gone through. Only you know what is right for you and your daughter. Stay strong!
ReplyDeleteI think its great that you are able to see things you may need to improve on. It takes a big person to see improvement from within. Go you!!!
ReplyDeleteI've been MIA for a bit, but I just wanted to pipe up and say hello, and also...
ReplyDeleteI get why you feel the need to represent your husband well, but I also believe that after you lose someone dear to you, that is one of the times in your life that you are allowed to be selfish. The people that really care, instead of just the superficial "sorry for your loss" (not to demean those sentiments, as I've said them myself and they're heartfelt, but it's not a very deep kind of support)... those are the people who will stick around no matter what. Anyone who judges you right now without a sense of empathy isn't worth your energy, plain and simple. And for whatever it's worth, I think you are handling yourself very well and representing your husband in a respectful and genuine way.