Anyway, you know when Bella starts riding the motorcycle, she sees Edward? And then when she jumps off the cliff, he's there? Remember?
Well, it's true.
Ok, maybe not true in the fact that I got to see him or hear him, per se, but true in the fact that I can feel him.
In New Hampshire, I did a ropes course. It was sooo much fun and if you've never been to one you should certainly check it out. It's a great way to overcome fears if you have any, test yourself, and get a good workout, all while having a blast. We went to Monkey Trunks in Chocorua, NH.
We climbed on the ropes and I even did a zip line and human swing. The human swing was pretty terrifying, it was like you fell face first until you feel the rope catch. Definitely an adrenaline rush. Then I did this thing they call the Drop Zone. You stand on this super high ledge and you just.... step out. You fall and you're hooked to a harness but the hardest part is just stepping out.
Human swingThat's when I had my little chat with Jonny. It was quick it was an Are you ready babe? And down we went. It was so cool though, standing up on that ledge looking out over the mountains at the phenomenal view (as per usual in New Hampshire) it was like my babe was right there with me holding my hand and we stepped together.
Now I get it Bella, and I'm going to do my best not become a super adrenaline junky lol.
I also visited the tallest, fastest roller coaster on the East Coast. King's Dominion's Intimidator 305. It was most certainly a rush. The drop was so intense I lost vision for like a second. Apparently the day before so many people had blackouts from riding they had to slow it down by 10 mph. It was really like falling in a little cart. So intense. But such a smooth ride it didn't feel you were on a roller coaster at all! My friend and I went to KD before heading down to NC and then further to Myrtle Beach SC for 4th of July Weekend. There we had a blast riding all the roller coasters in the park. Lil one stayed with grandma for the weekend.
When we got to Myrtle Beach we got a little bit of a party on and had a "grown up" weekend. But wouldn't you know I missed my little girl like crazy and am happy to be back up in Maryland in mommy mode.
It's been fun traveling around. I guess the biggest issue I'm having these days is trying to figure out where I'm supposed to be, where I fit, where I belong. I feel like in Jacksonville, the place I had grown to love, I am not a good fit anymore. After I get my Master's, Jacksonville will be a good place for me for working because I want to work with Marines and their families, but right now, at this time, I don't feel as welcome there. I feel like I am constantly under the microscope and people judge every little move that I make. It's hard to grow in a place where you feel you can't even breathe. I've watched people suddenly stop being my friend for reasons unbeknown to me. I wish people would just grow up and discuss issues with one another but instead they just exile you from their lives. This is not a time where it feels good to be ostracized. I mean, it never does, but right now I can use as much support as I can get. I guess it's best to be rid of those who don't support me but it sure does suck when you realize certain people just don't give a damn. It also seems that there may be some people "asking questions" about me, and some of these may be Marines. The last thing I want is for Jonny's Marines to think poorly of me but I'm assuming 2/3 of what they may have heard is untrue. But, they may not be saying anything at all... who knows. So much "he said she said" and so much drama. I'm just over drama. Maybe it's best I don't know what people are saying about me, people are always going to talk. Maybe it's best people keep "what they heard" to themselves. One person told me there is a book called "What you think of me is none of my business" and I think that is a great quote. I don't want to hear your opinion of me, considering it's probably 98% unjustified, you've never walked in my shoes, and you have no idea the struggles I face daily. I guess I just need to go back to my "F what people think" attitude... Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind... Just do what I want to do and what makes me even a tiny bit happy. Easier said than done for a chronic people-pleaser.
Looks like you're having fun traveling around! I must say, I'm a little jealous!! I know what you mean about being a people pleaser..but at some point we have to learn to make US happy, not others! keep smiling girlie!
ReplyDeleteIt looks like you had an amazing time! I'm happy for you! The pictures are great! and as for people.... you usually don't want to know what they say. I am such a people please and it definitely makes your life so much harder trying to prove to everyon else you are not the drama they made you out to be. You do what is best for you and your little princess and the rest will fall into place. Good luck =]
ReplyDeleteWait, who is asking about you? What is this about??? rude.
ReplyDeleteAnd, um I got all queasy when I went out on my friend's balcony in Chicago on the 44th floor! sereiously, sick to my stomach. I could not do the roller coaster or the ropes probably...I did sky dive in NZ, but I would NOT do that again! :)
I like the comparison to Bella! :)
That coaster looks AWESOME! I haven't been to Kings Dominion in years. Too many years (:
ReplyDeleteJacksonville is an odd place. It's a small town but its full of marines and their families. That makes for lots of drama and people in peoples business.
I used to live there. I'm originally from New Bern (about an hour away from there) and moved there after I met and married my hubby. I love your blog though, funny how I didn't come across you until now, after I moved away.
I hope the drama stops and you find your place!
I have never met you, and know about you only through what you blog. That being said, I think you have shown incredible grace under fire, poise, and determination. You're obviously a wonderful mommy, it shows through in what you say and do. I know your husband is looking down on you from above and is so proud of you. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that. Take care and God Bless!
ReplyDeleteWell first of all, I am so happy you had your moment wit Jonny, but ya..please don't become a junky like Bella..I would miss your musing on the blog too much plus not to mention Jonny ( I speak of him like I knew him sorry)would be super pissed if you arranged your meeting with him again too soon. I get what you are saying about Jacksonville, I have a few friends that are War (dare I say) widows like yourself and they tried to stay in similar surrounding but found it too hard. Either they felt judged or were sick of people feeling sorry for them or both. Its a very judgmental environment at times but also one of the most nurturing and caring so it is quite the paradox. From you very first post when all this started, "I will always be a Marine Wife"..well it's true and I knew even in this thing the blogosphere we would always be family, and you would always be just that a Marine wife, family member. My mother found herself a young widow like yourself down in Lejeune but went home to Philadelphia. I don't think she ever regretted it, she had 2 young children to care for at the age of 22 and having family around to help was important. But the people she didn't want to leave, those Marines that served with my dad stayed in our life. Everyone comes and goes from bases, we never miss the "base" we miss the people there that were important to us and they leave as well. You could go get your masters and got to Wounded Warriors West..take your daughter to the West Coast or go back to Lejeune or Bethesda or Walter Reed..your options are endless. The best advice I can give..I know you didn't solicite it and that is never the best kind to get..but here goes. You can delete my comment if you like, I am sticking my nose in business that is not mine, like a nosy old Aunt..
ReplyDeleteWhen you make choices make your own, follow your heart, everyone that tells you what you should do has their own agenda. Those that love you, I mean truly love you..will respect your decisions.
Ok enough from me..
I think your kinda awesome and I applaud you for gettig out of bed everyday, I bet a lot of people don't realize how hard that can be for you sometimes.
The Ropes Course looks awesome. I totally agree on the F everyone else theory, you take care of you and that beautiful little girl and do whatever ever you have to do to get through. I just started reading your blog but am so inspired by your strength and courage keep your head up.
ReplyDeleteI heart you! I hope you stay in Jacksonville long enough to receive my card! ;)
ReplyDeleteCan I selfishly be a little mad you went to KD and didn't give any advanced warning? You were sooooo close to us! We could have met! Haha but I'm really glad you had fun. And I'm really happy that something out there makes you feel him close to you, even if that's a simple thing like stepping out and swinging on a rope. :)
ReplyDeleteSounds like you had a glimpse of fun - I've rode the Indimidator at Carowinds - it's awesome!
ReplyDeleteNot that you've asked what I think of you, but, I think that you are an AMAZING woman! You have had to face the most horrible thing that a person could ever face and you are still standing. You are still standing tall, and you are strong for your little girl. I cannot say that I know how you feel, because I don't. I can honestly say that I hope that I never know how you feel, but I do feel for you. I've read your blog for a while, and, if there were any way that I could bring Jonny back for you, I surely would do it a million times over! Some day, I hope you come back to Jacksonville. I would sure like to meet the woman that I've read so much about, and who is stronger than I think I could ever be.
ReplyDeleteIf it matters, I think you're awesome!!!!
ReplyDeleteKudos to you for the rope course and the roller coaster!!!! I never could do either!!!
I doubt you're doing anything to tarnish your own reputation, or Jonny's. And I know for damn sure, you're not doing wrong by Jonny, by any means.
Keep your head up and I'm like a ten hour drive away from kicking some dumb bitches ass! Remember that!!! :-)
Love you!
I'm so glad you had a great weekend. Please don't become an adrenaline junky!! I would be terrified to do all the things you did this weekend. I hate roller coasters! I'm just a big fat baby is the problem!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you have to deal with drama and the crazy makers. There will always be those people who talk and I hope you don't listen to them.
As far as friends go...the only thing I can say is that it may not even be about you. It may be about them. Sometimes people run from difficult situations because they don't know how to deal with them. I'm not saying this is a good excuse, I just know that it happens. These "friends" may not know what to say anymore. How to help you through your situation. It sucks because now is the time you need them the most, I just hope you don't take it too personally when it is most likely something to do with them that prevents them from remaining your friend.
There's comes a point in life where you realize that taking care of- pleasing- you and yours is the only thing that matters. I'm not saying it's easy, and I'm not saying I'm 100% successful, 100% of the time. I'm saying that if you can reach that point, it's a relief.
ReplyDeleteThe rope things look like ssssssssssssooooooooooooo much fun. I'll leave the roller coaster to you. :p Glad to hear you're doing... ok.
Ignore the ones who judge. Like I said on FB how dare you judge the way I grieve. Fuck you. I think it applies here, too.
When my friends husband died in Iraq a few years ago she experienced something similar. She felt she didn't fit in with the military spouses she had known and many stopped being her friend. I think it was because they didn't know how to act around her. They weren't sure what they should say or do, and felt guilty because their husbands were coming home, while hers wasn't. I'm sorry you're going through this too.
ReplyDeleteWow, that looks like a super fun course! What a great way to overcome fears..no matter what the fear is, lol.
ReplyDeleteI really can't believe people are talking about you..but you do have the right attitude. Those people are not your concern and maybe leaving the area, for now, is the best thing for you and your daughter. You would think people would just shutup and support you, but some people really just suck:s. One of the first things I learned after marrying into the Army was to ignore 90% of the gossip;)
Just looking at your pictures makes my stomach drop! I am such a big chicken when it comes to adrenaline-rush activites! I won't even watch movies with high-intensity! It's amazing to see you do these things and smile about it afterwards. In a way, the rush you feel reminds you of your husband and the fact that you are alive and surviving. You amaze me at every turn of your blog.
ReplyDeleteI love your proof that Twilight is real. :) (As if I needed proof.) :)
ReplyDeleteAnd um...what's up with people not being nice and supportive of you?! Hello, right now is when you need your friends the most...and, for all those people who say they "support the troops"...where are they when you need them? It stinks that you feel like you don't fit in there right now. I wish you lived closer to me and we'd have all sorts of girl-time fun.
Wow, you're braver than I! Pretty much every single thing you listed gave me shortness of breath. :) I'm not big on falling. :)
ReplyDeleteI love your Bella moment. I too am probably far to into Twilight for my own good. :0)
ReplyDeleteAs far as people not being your friend anymore, try not to sweat it. I have heard that sometimes after a loss, be it husband or child or another close family member, people tend to disappear out of the mourning person's life because they don't know what to say. It might not be that they don't care, but they just aren't sure what to say or do or how to act. I'm not saying that it's right, but I've heard of it happening.
I know that it would be better to have them just say that. Just to say "I don't know what to say except that I am here if you need me." but people can be really stupid sometimes.
You can't please everyone. Right now the ONLY people you need to worry about are you, your beautiful daughter, and your husband. Do right by the three of you, and no one else matters. :0)
I go blog searching a lot, and I have to say... I have never run across one as inspiring as yours. You are really an amazing person and such an inspiration. I look forward to reading more of your story!
ReplyDeleteWhile I still cannot understand what I perceive to be utter hostility ("eff what people think" is not exactly the most positive way to word what's an otherwise fairly positive thought), I'd like to address the Edward-&-Bella adrenaline thing. I went parasailing a few years ago for the first time, off a beach in South Carolina, & it was also the first time I felt close to my father, who died when I was 10. I couldn't stop crying while I was up there, talking to him the whole time. I never wanted to come down - it was totally surreal. lad you got to experience it.
ReplyDeleteI had my little Dan moment as I was hanging at the edge of an airplane about to jump out. He was obsessed with jumping out of planes, and we never managed to find the time to do it together! But, as I sat there, I felt him right there with me.
ReplyDeleteJust remember that as crazy as this time is for you, it'll also be a time that you weed out the people that don't need to be in your life. The ones you thought would be there, won't. Then, the ones you never expected to be there will surprise you and show up. I don't know if it's the reality check that people DO die, or that people can't handle dealing with our pain, but it freaks people out. The good news is, when we go through this step of widowhood, we find who really loves us, and who isn't worth wasting our time on anymore. I'm glad you don't want to hear what they are saying because it's all shit anyway. People are cruel, and just plain shitty, and you don't need any of that.
Tons of huge bear hugs, and lots and lots of love for you and Ari!! :)
PS. Chicago needs more pretty widows!! ;)
As with the others I only know you from your blog! However weather people know you personally on electronically they should not judge u till they are in your shoes! Living your life!
ReplyDeleteI personally feel that you are a strong loving woman and an amazing mother! And you are making your way through a world that no one should ever have to go through yet far too many are!
You are living with and overcoming a life you didn't get to choose! And I think you are doing it with all the grace in the world!
Be strong and the only person other than YOU that you neeed to please is that beautiful little piece of your Johnny!!!
My heart not pity goes out to you! Keep your head up love!
Glad you had fun. I went to 'Go Ape' which is what we have here. I was with the entire therapy dept of where I work and the two or three before me dropped out through fear and then I did as it seemed too risky. Wish I had gone on though. It's great to conquer your fears, it relates to so much else in life than swinging from a rope!!
ReplyDeleteGood luck with all else too. all you need to do is register your discomfort with those who you feel are not supportive and avoid. Remember they possibly cannot help you or reach out for you so you'd be better off conserving your own energy as you really need it xxx
I think Jonny would be very proud of you.
ReplyDeleteThe ropes and the zip line are similiar to the things you go through in bootcamp, so he would get a real kick out of you doing them at a Marine Wife. :)
The rope course looks amazing...I must admit I wish I could do something like that. It looks like a blast!
ReplyDeleteI think your husband would be very proud of how you've been handling things thus far.
ReplyDeleteAnd that ropes course looks amazing.
A side note, if you like tall, fast, slightly frightening roller coasters, the world's tallest and fastest roller coaster is Kingda Ka at Six Flags: Great Adventure in Jackson, NJ. :)
I'm glad you've been out enjoying yourself!!! Such a great way to look at things too. Those you matter DON'T mind!!
ReplyDeleteWe just went to King's Dominion on the 4th of July and I blacked out real shortly on that ride too! But it was worth it haha because it was awesome!!
ReplyDeleteSo happy to hear that you're enjoying life as much as you can. Don't worry about what people have to say... no matter what situation you're in life and no matter how you handle it... someone will have something to say. So who cares, right?
Still following your blogs and am so inspired by you. :)