A Trip to the Dairy Farm (Turning Myself into a Food Source)

Otherwise known as breast feeding class!

On Tuesday, I attended my first breast feeding class. Now, if you're anything like me, you're wondering, "How in the great world do you have a class to breastfeed, do you all sit around and pull your boobs out??" If you're not like me you're probably thinking, "Oh a class to breastfeed, how educational, that's not perverted at all." You people have no imagination. :-P

Anyway, to answer that first question, no we did not sit around and pull our boobs out, thank goodness. BUT we did learn a great deal (Ok the non-perverts have it for the win). We had a nice lactation coach who was called Linda A (apparently at the hospital there is also a Linda B, and their big joke is they come in pairs - like breasts! - har har har) and was very excited about all things breast. She shared SO much information with us and I'm actually really glad that I went because I am now not so intimidated to do it, she informed us that it's not actually supposed to hurt, and if it does, you're probably doing it wrong. I feel like I am now all reared and ready to go be super Boobie Feeder Mommy! We'll see...

Some interesting snippets from the class (this way I don't feel like I'm rambling on teaching you the whole class, when half of you, I'm sure, aren't pregnant and don't want to know how to become a food source at this point of time)

• Linda B's last name had the word 'boob' in it. It was something like Boobchivick or something. Really and truley. It was very difficult for me to suppress my giggles at this.
• The correct way for the baby to latch on is nose-to-nipple. You line their nose up with your nipple, kinda tickle their lip, bottom lip on then top lip over the nipple. Make sure lips are not sucked in. Sounds easy enough, right? I'll let you know. Anyway, Linda A demonstrated this first with a cow hand puppet (oh, the irony) and then when she wanted to show more detail, her own mouth. Oh, I forgot to mention she was using a stuffed breast (like a plush breast, I guess you could call it a teddy-breast?) to demonstrate. Yes, she sucked the stuffed breast in front of the class. Talk about, once again, trying not to giggle...
• Breast pumps slightly resemble torture devices. She demonstrated with a balloon. Man I wish I had a video to demo this for you guys, because my description isn't going to do it justice, but she held the balloon (probably the size of maybe a full B cup) against the hand operated breast pump, and pumped. And you could SEE the balloon getting pulled into the pump. The suction was that strong that the whole thing... went like... in the tube. Like I said, so hard to describe.I'd never seen anyone use a pump before, but apparently your whole boob also moves. How I'm not terrified, I don't know... Linda assured us it wouldn't hurt...
• There are different types of nipples. Out-verted (ok, I forgot the real name, but the stick-outtie kind), flat, and inverted. It's pretty self explanatory what each one means. Linda shared with us that she has one of each, a flat and inverted. I'm sharing with you that I think mine are flat? but I'm not sure. They don't really stick out on the reg, but they sure do stick out when I'm cold... Anyway, for those that have flat or inverted nipples, there are devices that can actually stretch the nipple out. One you wear in your shirt, it's like a little circle thing with breathing holes and while you wear your clothes during the day, it's doing it's job stretching your nipple out. Another method is the breast pumps, clearly their suction helps pull your nipple out of hiding. This part frightens me a little, and if my nipples are not long enough, should I be stretching them now?? Just more to worry about, I guess...
• Bottle feeding can really screw up breast feeding. This I did not know anything about, and found very interesting. Apparently breast feeding is a learned response (I just assumed it'd be natural... animals do it...) and when you learn something the wrong way, well obviously you're not gonna do it the right way later. So apparently, in a bottle there is one hole - shoots milk out, straight down. In the breast, however, there are FOUR holes and they shoot... well, in 4 directions. Talk about a super soaker! So, when a baby feeds from a bottle, they only feed from the nipple, tending to kind of chomp or make biting motions on it. However, when feeding from the breast, they latch on and kind of roll their tongue/jaw to activate some glands in the breast encouraging the milk to just flow. SO if the baby if taught with the bottle, he/she is going to learn the chomping motion and then begin chomping away at your boob, which in turn does not feel nice in the slightest - that is why it is so important to breast feed right off the bat, if you want to do it at all. We learned that the best time to introduce a bottle is between 3 and 6 weeks, that way they've already learned how to use the breast and they aren't too old to learn something new and be totally confused about what the heck a bottle actually is. There are also "breast bottles" that replicate the shape and way a breast works as far as feeding (see right, and check it out, if you want, here).
• And last, but certainly not least, breast feeding really is important. It helps grow strong bonds between you and baby, it's the best nourishment they can get, it has antibodies to make them not get sick, supposed to make the smarter, turn them into super man and give them the power to read minds. Ok, maybe not the last two, but it's supposed to be some really good stuff for the baby. All joking aside, I am pretty excited to give my baby the best I can give her and I am already fully equipped to do so! And even though some things sound a little frightening (did you read the part about the pumps and nipple stretching) my fears have somehow been relieved, and I'm ready to give it a whirl. I hope I didn't scare anyone away from it with the scary bits, but if so let me know and I can give you the more serious side of the lesson.