Minor Meltdown (Day 18)

I've been doing good. I've been doing much better than I expected. But sometimes, I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep until the summer. Or at least until I go into labor.

I try to play it off on hormones, but sometimes I am just sad. I wish I could always be tough (as nails). My motto has been be strong for my Marine. I don't want to feel sad, I want to feel good and keep on keeping on. I promised him no moping. He made sure I would not mope. I stay upbeat in my letters and on the phone. I find it inexcusable to let him know I am having a hard time ever, he needs to stay focused on his mission and not worry about me here. The more focused he is, the easier it will be for him. My goal is for him to be safe and come home to me 100%.

But sometimes, I am just sad. Hormones, deployment... put it all together and it can be overwhelming at times. And I can cry for no reason. Last night I was a bit upset because I miss my home in NC, but it doesn't really feel like home without him there and I got thinking that when I'm in NC I miss my home in MD which is not so home-y without him either. I deduced that I do not, currently, have a home. As home is where the heart is and my heart is in a war-torn land thousands of miles away from me. Thinking of it that way makes it really rough, and I need to take time to remember that I do have a home, two actually, and there are people here and people in NC who love and support me. Today the crying came really from nowhere, part of the reason I blame it mostly on hormones. I'd had a fine day, running errands and doing some returns and getting a not-so-awesome pedicure with mom. But then when we were back I was sitting there and I just felt... unhappy... weighted. Heavy.

I know that this is perfectly ok. With everything going on in my life, it is perfectly acceptable to have meltdowns, moments, times to be upset. And I know that all in all I am doing a damn good job. I think part of the hardship comes, too, from hearing from him 3 times in 2 days and then nothing today. It's only one day, but when I don't hear from him after hearing from him regularly, 'just one day' can feel like a lifetime.

I also feel slightly useless here. I know I could help around the house, clean, etc. but I don't really want to. I don't know what I want to do. In NC, before the majority of my friends left to go home, I was busy everyday. Going out to lunches, taking random road trips to visit friends who live a little farther from JVille, doc appointments, just keeping busy. I haven't been so great at keeping busy since I've been home. I think I'm ready to be back at my own home, preparing for baby's arrival, getting last minute things together. I also know that the sooner I am back home, the closer to baby's arrival we'll be. I go back home on the 5th of January, so we'll be in full-on countdown mode by then, it just feels right now that the 5th of January is decades away.

Speaking of which, today, 27 Dec, marks one month until I'm due. A whole separate reason for thousands of emotions. I'm so excited and ready for her to finally be here (and frankly, ready to not be preggo anymore!). I'm nervous as all get out to be a mom (hello, I'm responsible for a-whole-nother person!). I'm incredibly sad that Mr. P is not here to witness his daughter's arrival into the world and to meet her. It breaks my heart that she will be 7 or so months old before he can meet her, and thinking of how he must feel about this, cuts a little deeper - if it breaks my heart it must shatter his. A whirlwind of emotions, I can only imagine how it'll be on her actual birth day.

Sorry for such a long and emotional post, I typically try to keep them light and upbeat, but sometimes I just need to pour my heart out. I miss my husband deeply, I'm 9 months pregnant, and I have heartburn, I think I deserve a little bit of an emotional release.

I will continue my whole hearted attempts at staying positive. I hope you all continue to have a faboosh weekend.