After completing the run, I had a bit of an emotional moment. I wished I could tell Jonny what I'd done, even though he may have seen it from his spot in Heaven (and probably been giggling at me, or maybe even slightly embarassed - sorry babe) I wished that I could tell him. I wished that he could tell me Good job, baby! But instead, I could only hear it from my heart. I shed a few tears wishing that I wouldn't have had the reason to do this. Yes, maybe if this all hadn't have happened I still would have ran with my friends and raised money and made Jonny proud, but my reason for really running was to honor my fallen husband and frankly and honestly, I wish beyond wishes that I didn't have that reason. But no matter how hard I wish, nothing will change what has happened, so I just do what I can, have meltdowns and pull myself together and go on as best as I can.
After that, we've been enjoying lots of time at the beach. My mom and dad and the dogs are visiting for the week and they rented a condo at Emerald Isle. We have been soaking up the rays and just enjoying everyone's company. Good weather, and good company! We enjoyed the weekend relaxing, being a little ridiculous, and creating good memories. Because when it all comes down to it, when all is said and done, memories are all you've got to live by.
Yesterday, my CACO brought Jonny's stuff that had come back from Afghanistan. It was extremely, extremely hard. I don't think I'm quite ready to really talk about it just yet... soon, though. One of Jonny's best friends in the Marine Corps, Brad (my friend Tamara's husband) came home this weekend. He wasn't ready to see me at first, which I understand, but he came over last night. After we'd inventoried Jonny's stuff. It was good to see him. He kept apologizing and of course was upset and he said sorry for bringing back so many memories and I just was thankful he was there. Frankly, I wasn't sure if I was ready to see him either. The day of his homecoming I was pretty torn apart. I was happy he was coming home but all I could think was that I would never get this homecoming, I will never know what it's like to welcome my Jonny home and hug and kiss him after all this time. Maybe I was a little jealous, but mostly just so sad. And as he wasn't sure he was ready to see me, I wasn't sure I was ready to see him either. You see, I met Brad the same night I met Jonny, and much of Jonny and I's time together was spent also with Brad. We all always hung out together. And when I saw him last night, it's almost like there was a tiny piece of Jonny with him. Like Jonny was standing there right beside him as he always was. The memories that came back were not bad ones, they're ones I am thankful to have, and I'm thankful to have Brad to say "Hey remember that time in Aberdeen when..." because I'd been struggling lately with remembering things. I always wish I could ask Jonny if something happened a particular way, and of course there are still things that only Jonny would be able to answer, but now Brad being back home there's one more connection to Jonny, one more person who knew us together, one more person that can remind us of this story and that memory and just of us in general.
For now, I'm going to try to relax. I'm still a little emotionally drained after the events of last night and I think laying out and soaking up the rays is just what my heart is calling for.