08 August 2010

I Guess I'll Write

Even though I feel as if I've got nothing to say. Usually when I start out like this I come up with something so we'll give it a shot...

I've been feeling pretty angry lately. Maybe an explanation for my lack of posting I can't articulate anything but anger. Anger at the world, at my husband, at God, at the war, at everyone who's husband came home, at homecoming statuses and photos and posts and all things homecoming related, at the friends who promised they'd be there but have disappeared, at myself, basically just angry. It kind of creeps up on me and I really want to hit something. So lately I've just been kind of sitting. And facebooking, which I should cut down on. Oh, and smoking, which I also should cut down on. Oh addictions...

I've been thinking about friends a lot. I know, I know, I harp on this subject. And people warned me. And I even said from the beginning, people would disappear, but once it starts happening... and then continues... well it sucks. I want to grab some people and shake them. Scream at them - what happened to you saying you'd be there?! What did I do so "wrong" that you don't even check in to see how I'm doing anymore or answer my calls?! And then I remember I do have friends, who talk to me everyday (or at least close to it, ya know, who make an effort), and those are the ones worth thinking about. The other ones, well they're not worth it. And the new friends I'm making. They are really cool, my widster friends. I wish I knew of more widster blogs I could follow. But if only it were so easy to just block out the bad news, I swear human beings as a species are suckers for focusing on the negative, well at least this one. I'm working on it, ok! I'm working on finding the positive but some days I let the negative over take.

Ooo I do have something to talk about besides whining! My DREAMS. I have been having weird dreams lately. Of course barely any of Stink, he's a hard one to catch in my dreams, that husband of mine... but I know I dreamed of him once this week, I can't remember it but I woke up knowing I'd spent time with him during my slumber, and that is always a good feeling. But the dreams I have been remembering... I've been buying a house. These have been like every other night. I'm pretty sure the dream Jonny was in we were buying a house, but I can't really remember. But anyway, every other stinkin' night just about, I'm buying a house in my sleep. I can't tell you where or anything but that's what they're about. I'm like, Ok dreams, please give me a LOCATION and I can follow up on this because that's what I'm struggling with the most - where to settle permanently (or semi-permanently, you know). But it's been pretty neat to keep buying houses. I remember one dream I found out the house I was looking at was haunted and then I just had to have it. It was strange but made pretty good sense. So who knows what I'm going to do with that, I don't know if my husband is trying to tell me to buy or I just want to or it's just the simple fact that I love looking at houses... I could look at houses all day long lol, who knows, I'll keep you posted.

Oh and who watched Army Wives tonight? Oorah Marine Wives!! Teeheehee. If only I can finish as gracefully on September 25... YIKES!

31 comments:

  1. Hey Mrs. P. Hang in there. Seems like there must be multiple tidal waves of multiple emotions. Ride the waves and notice the calm in between when you can.

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  2. i dont know if you are into it but you can read up on your dreams... as far as i can remember buying a house means settling or finding content in/with life... and your man may not appear as hisself but as something else... best of luck with the dreams...

    and good luck with your race!! no matter how you finish your man will be proud and racing next to you!!

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  3. I think you're already doing an amazing job of focusing on the positive. It's okay to let the negative overtake sometimes if you need to. You're strong enough to come back from it. Take care x

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  4. Honestly...if it were me I would stay where you are right now. May sound weird but at least for the time being you are where you and Jonny started your lives together. Maybe think of moving and settling permanently once you have finished your Masters and are ready for your career. Pretty much anywhere you decide to hang your hat will have a military base or some sort of affiliation that you can begin your journey in helping fellow mil families!

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  5. *hugs* Just wanted to let you know that you remain in my thoughts and prayers, new friend. You are entitled to feel those feelings ~ anger, negativity, sadness, and so on . . . it's what you do with those feelings that matters. And the fact that you are channeling those feelings into a blog . . . that's a GOOD thing. :)

    Sending you much love.
    ~ Jess

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  6. I am not sure if I should post this or not, I will probably write this & delete, so who knows.

    I am not sure if this is true but I haven heard once before when you dream about a loved one (or not) who has past away that person is actually "visiting" you. One time I dreamed about a friend's mom who died. In my dream (and it is so weird that I remembered it so vividly) she was standing in a bus line, I knew she had died but I wasn't weirded out that she was in my dream. She told me to tell her daughter who I was good friend with that she said hello. I struggled with that and actually waited a month or so to tell her I dreamed about her mom. I wasn't sure if she would think I was weird or what. And now you are probably going to think I am weird for telling you that. :) But the romantic in me would like to think your hubby is visiting you in your dreams.

    Sending you hugs.

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  7. Good luck on the housing front, hope you can find the perfect one!

    Be angry, you have the right and one day down the road the anger will fade away.

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  8. Good luck with the house hunting... I recommend just looking at anything you want in your price range, in almost any city that you MAY want to live in. Look at the schools, the neighborhoods, drive around in them at night to see what they are really like. :-) You will have a sense of guidance and it may take you 100 houses to find "the one" but when you do, you will know, he will be there to guide you.

    Good luck sweetie, you are never far from my prayers.

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  9. I've not lost my husband but I can related to hearing the crickets chirp in my friend box! My parents died a few months ago and then my husband deployed - I fight the same anger you do and wonder where my friends (and family) went? Helllooo???
    Dreams are a strange and interesting thing, aren't they? A house, huh?? That's got to be exciting! Mr. P is looking out for you always!

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  10. Girl, everything you are going through is normal, your normal right. Really, think about it, we all go through our stuff. You my dear had 2 HUGE life altering experiences in a short amount of time, one amazingly wonderful and one, the worse or the worst. You gave birth to a beautiful child than you lost the love of your life. I would be more concerned if these emotions you weren't having. How can anyone expect you to ever be "normal" again? You will find a new "normal". One thing I have found after losing many friends, and seeing my friends lose their hubs is there is a certain group of people that latch on to the wife than dissappear when the attention goes away. And when my hubs hit an IED last year I swear to you, and this may seem weird, but I had friends I was close to online just dissappear altogether, as sick as this sounds, like they were jealous that MY hubs was hurt. I really can't articulate it but maybe you understand a little bit about what I am saying. I can tell you I felt like the luckiest woman on the planet that he was ok, and didn't lose any body parts and after that experience I realized I wouldn't wish that on anyone I love and I can't even imagine the level it would have been ratched up had he been hurt badly or worse, found myself in your shoes. I don't know what it is, but it's sick, and it's out there. I think you are having dreams of buying a house for some reason, but only you can figure out what that means. Hope that beautiful baby or yours is doing great!!
    your friend and Marine family
    Heidi
    PS I missed the Army wife reference..what happened??

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  11. Hang in there Mrs. P! That happened when my Mom died. Friends were around, daily, for about a month. After that, they stopped coming by. I don't think they realize how important it is to have them just check in, sit in silence, etc. Until one experiences "it", they never know how to handle the aftermath. I hope some of your friends read this post and get their butt on the phone or at your door.

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  12. just wanted to let you know 1/6 along with your husbands name and picture is featured in PEOPLE magazine. Its has Alli from the bachelortte and the headline is "why i broke the rules". just thought you'd want to know incase you didnt. I love your blog. Stay strong.

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  13. Youve been a great blog to follow. I just started blogging and found yours not even sure how. You're an amazing women to even be able to type the events that have been put in your lifes plan. And you may not know me but as a fellow Marine Wife, I am always here to talk.

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  14. I watched it last night and though I LOVE the show I was secretly hoping the Marine wives would win : ) (sure enough they did!! I agree with you though that looking at houses is fun. I particularly love seeing the way people decorate. It think it's a woman thing haha. I hope you feel better soon.

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  15. If deployment and trials along with that bring ANYTHING, it's that we truly find out who our true friends are. But I'm glad you get some support in some way :) You're very inspiring (even when you're angry!) and you're definitely in my thoughts and prayers.

    And I hope you find a cute house to live in permanently :)

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  16. Intersting about the dreams....maybe they are telling you something. I saw Inception last week and had crazy dreams that night after seeing the movie. You should see it!

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  17. Mrs. P, my family thinks that you are amazing! I was wondering what kind of luck you had with your "operation dry socks"? I want to start something for my husband's co when he deploys in the near future. If you could give me any advice on how to go about getting sponsors. Maybe I could grab your button and post it on my blog so we could continue it? Our prayers are with you and your little Ari.

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  18. I've been following your blog since Feb. this year. My husband is deployed in Afgh.(Army) and on one of my lonely nights (even though we have 3 kiddos) I found your blog. I have been an Army Wife for over 14yrs. and I just have to say you have inspired me to stay strong. To get through my tough days and if I can't do it for me I atleast have to do it for my kids. Your a great wife and mommy please always remember that. Your always in my thoughts and prayers.

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  19. I was thinking lately that maybe people who "dissapear" during/after crisis just don't know how to cope themselves or feel like they don't have anything to offer even words of encouragement, a shoulder to cry on or run errands. So basically they abandon friends/family because they don't know how to act especially when death occurs. So If they feel that maybe if I do that "out of sight" "out of mind", everything will go away. Not realizing it hurts people even more. My husband is deployed and we even have family that have backed off. They themselves are having a hard time knowing he's over there so they don't know how to approach me or the kids. It's sad and hurtful. There's really no excuse and I guess when times are hard you do find out who you can count on. Well you are an Amazing Lady with a precious baby girl. I hear you on being torn on what to do next as far as buying a home. Through all the pain where do/did you feel the happiest at? Near family/friends? Where is your support system, and not just for now but for the future? Where do you think your husband would want his daughter to be raised? Career wise where would you have the most options? I'm sure you have gone over all this but I think about those things myself just being an army wife.

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  20. Of course you are angry. You are not that far removed from Mr. P's death and there is no one on this God's green earth who would deny you that anger. If they do, then screw them:)

    Friends will always come and go. Focus on the new ones you are making and the old ones who are there for you..the rest are not worth it. I know it hurts, but you will get past it, they just eat up too much of your time.

    ((HUGS))

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  21. hang in there sweetie :-) you're doing great! You're beyond amazing Rachel.

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  22. If you need someone to scream at... you call me... I know its not the same as losing a husband, but after losing my dad, I felt a lot of friends abandoned me. And with David losing his mom right before, I don't really talk to him about it cause it has turned into a pissing contest... but I get angry when my friends (and my family) won't talk to me, about anything. I have often felt stonewalled about it, and like I am the only one hurting.

    I know I can't take away the hurt, but if you need someone to talk to, I'm here!

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  23. One. I've lost two friends so far. Couldn't tell you if it was my fault or theirs? I'm kinda going crazy. Two. Sometimes I wish my house was haunted. Three. He hardly appears in my dreams as well. When I wake up and realize he was in one, I try to go back to sleep. Four. I facebook way too much too. It's wierd. You do sit around too much. It's like your waiting for something. Maybe waiting for them to come back through the door? Five. I hope you feel better. This crap sucks.

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  24. You are definitely allowed and it's perfectly natural to be angry chica. It's good that you can articulate and get your feelings out in this vice.

    I watched Army Wives too and I was SOOOOO cheering on the Marine Wives. SO happy they won. lol Oorah to them indeed. ;)

    Keep ya head up hon. You're doing amazingly well considering...

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  25. One of the things I love about you is the way you are totally open about everything, and that you are taking all the negative energy you get and being productive with it - getting your degree to help others. I know Jonny's proud of you!

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  26. Did you and Jonny ever talk about where you would retire? Or where he loved to be? Maybe that would help??

    I'm sorry about your friends. But if they were true friends they wouldn't disappear.

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  27. Hello. My name is Katie and I read you blog often. I am very bad at commenting on others blogs but I just wanted to tell you that you are an inspiration to a lot of people. Although I am sure you would trade that in a min. to have your husband back. I do not know what it is like to lose a husband but I don't think I would handle as well as you. There is a song called "Love Lives On" it is by Mallary Hope. I am not sure if you have heard it or not but if you have sometime I would suggest watching it on youtube. Everytime I hear it I think about what you are going through and I send up a prayer for you and your daughter. There are many people thinking and praying for you.

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  28. You have won a blog award, my friend.
    Thank you for being in my life by sharing your life.
    I read all your post; you are inspirational.
    Thank you for sharing your hopes,
    dreams, disappointments and heartache…
    thank you for sharing your—LIFE!!

    ~ LaDonna Rae @ Serendipitously ME, F.R.O.G
    http://serendipitouslyfrog.blogspot.com

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  29. Hello,
    I wanted to let you know that I personally thanked you on my blog this week. http://thepeacocktale.blogspot.com/ You are an inspiration.

    Have a good weekend

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  30. Mrs. P,
    You are an amazing woman. I am the wife of a deployed Army soldier. Your reality is my biggest fear. You have handled yourself with such grace. You truly are an inspiration.

    Anger is so normal when you are facing a loss such as this. I lost my daughter and went through the same emotions. I experienced the same loss of friendships. It certainly is hard.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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Hey guys, you must now have some sort of ID to comment. I'm sorry for any inconvenience but the spam was out of control! I still want to hear your thoughts, if you can't figure out the open ID thing, feel free to send me an email, Jewell.Rachel@gmail.com!