I am Lucky.

It may not seem that I am grateful or knowledgeable of the good things I have in my life at all times, because honestly, it is hard to remember all that I have at all times. Sometimes, it's easier to see all that I have lost, all that I am living with out, and all that I miss so much. But sometimes, I have to stop and think that I am lucky.

The number one reason I can say this, is because I, little ol' Mrs. P, got to be Jonny Porto's wife. I am a lucky girl, I got to know a love like no other. I was loved and adored by a man that I loved and adored right back. I got to know what some people may unfortunately never know. When I am feeling down, I try to focus on that love. Not how much I miss it, although that is hard to push aside, but how fortunate I had it, no, STILL have it. I had a fairy tale romance with a hottie tottie, brave, honest, honorable, genuine, simply amazing man. I will forever be in love with that man. True Love stories have NO endings. I found a quote on the Real Widows facebook page that said "Grief is the price we pay for love" and I thought on it for a second and I realized, while it is painful and there are days I feel like I will never see the light again, it's a price I am willing to pay. It meant that I was (and am) in love, and I wouldn't trade that for anything, not even the relief of this pain. Because I can look back through the tears and the pain and remember that love and from it, gain strength.

I am also lucky because from that love the most gorgeous little girl in the universe (ok, I might be slightly biased) was produced. I thank God for her every day. She is amazing and I know in my heart she will do amazing things. So I can honestly say I am lucky to have been loved the way I was and I am lucky to have our daughter, our little J, little Stink, Daddy Jr, who will be a constant reminder to me and everyone else of the love her daddy and I shared.

I am lucky because I have friends. I have both good friends and not-so-good friends. I want to thank the not-so-good ones because you make me see how good I really have it. You make me realize that I can rise above this because there really are still good people out there. You show me an ugly side of friendship that makes me appreciate the wonderful friends I have so much more. And an even bigger thanks to the good friends. The ones I can call at 3am with the bad-night code phrase and they know exactly what that means and often times how to rectify it. And if they can't, they still do their best and stay with me until I can breathe again. They come to my ridiculous parties/nights out and listen to my stories and distract me and remind me that I'm still alive, I can still have fun. They help me out when I'm in a bind, sick and unable, whether it be watching the babe or bringing diapers. They love me for me, in my good times and my bad, and they accept my bad and know that the bad is going to be part of this and their only job is to help me find my feet when I feel them slip out from under me. They feel when I feel, they hurt when I hurt. They remember. They remember Jonny even if they did not get a chance to meet him, they will not let him, nor myself, be forgotten. I pray that I continue to have such luck in friendship as the years go on.
And as far as friends go, I am lucky for you bloggy friends. The outpouring of love on my post 2 posts ago (after his memorial) and the love on many other of my posts as well, continues to amaze me. I want you to know that even though I don't usually respond (a lot of times I try to but you don't have your email set so that I can... go here - Thanks JG - if ya wanna fix it ;-D ) I read each and every comment. There are quite a few I keep in my inbox and reread when I'm having one of those moments. I am crappy at replying to emails in general (there are a few "business" emails I haven't gotten back to... oooops) so please don't ever take it personally if I don't respond, I honestly probably just forgot that I hadn't yet responded, I typically respond in my head as I read I just forget to write it down... widow brain is a turd.

I am lucky because I have family. I have two big families that want nothing but the best for Ariana and I. We are so surrounded with love and stories and memories and laughter and protection. We always have somewhere to turn when things seem too hard. Families that let us live and don't expect too much but are willing to grab us when the going gets tough.

So yes, while I often ask myself, How did I get so unlucky? Why me? What did I do to deserve this? I still have times when I must think, Wow, I am lucky and I am blessed.

Living without him is killer.
Noticing the hand sanitizer is running out and laughing through my tears sucks. Rolling onto his side of the bed and finding it cold instead of warm like how it used to be is terrible. Looking at a wooden box instead of his beautiful face is torture.
But taking a minute to reflect on my blessings reminds me that I can do this (even through all the suck), I will do this. I am going to live my life. It's going to be painful and awful and rough at times, but I am going to live my life, and I know that's all he would ever ask of me, to continue living, for me and for our beautiful gift from God, Ariana.




*I know I've posted like this before, and hopefully I will post like this again. Sometimes I just need to re-remind myself how much I still do have. Thanks guys for hanging in there even when I may tend to be repetitive.

35 comments

  1. I just adore your posts. And this one especially :) I know as a little kid, at church we had a song called "count your blessings".

    So you just keep doing just that :) Name them "one by one". I'm praying so much for you and your wonderful family, especially that cutie baby girl.
    <3

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  2. Having bad periods doesn't mean that you forget your blessings. It just means that sometimes they get shadowed by some of the "not-so-blessings". If anyone is entitled to those moments it's you.

    And I want to thank you for your view on the not-so-great friends! I've had my share of those lately...and I'd never looked at it that way. They DO make it all the more obvious when you have GREAT friends. :0)

    Keep on truckin' Mrs. P! You're doing wonderfully! You and yours are in my prayers, always. :0)

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  3. all I can say is WOW! The strength that you have to make it through these tough times is amazing. You give me strength, believe it or not. I look forward to reading your posts. Thank you for sharing your amazing journey with us. You are blessed, as are we all. This post made me reflect a little on how blessed I am too.

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  4. Yay to good days!!! <3 you!! :)

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  5. You continue to amaze me with your strength, to be able to see how lucky you still are and keep pushing forward. I only hope in your situation I could be as strong.

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  6. I loved reading this post! Your courage and strength amaze me - you will make an amazing example for Ariana, who is so so lucky to have such a wonderful woman as her mother!

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  7. I'm glad you have so much light to help when you're in a dark place. I know, that was cheesy...it sounded better in my head. Sweet baby girl, good friends and eternal love...not too shabby.

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  8. Excellent. Yes, you are very lucky. And much loved.

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  9. Lovely words Mrs. P- glad it was a good day.

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  10. I have never posted before but just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you. I really think of you all the time and I feel like I know you in real life, I think of you so much. My dad died when I was 11 and so on some level I have an idea of how hard this can be.

    I'm not sure if you wrote about this, but did you know that your husband's picture (well, picture of the casket) was in People magazine this week? I was on a flight on Thursday and the person next to me was reading an article about the war, and I saw your last name. I thought I was imagining it but there was a picture of marines holding your husband's casket and it says his name, etc. It was on the top right hand corner of the right page, I should have thought to remember the page number. Anyway, you probably know about this already but I just thought I would tell you in case you didn't, so you could go get a copy.

    Good luck and remember that so many of us are praying for you.

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  11. I'm glad you can see how lucky you are. We are all lucky in some ways and it's important to remember that no matter what we are going through.

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  12. You once again amaze me with your poise and grace. You are still in my prayers.
    ~Sue
    http://armylifeadventures.blogspot.com

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  13. You are going to have those moments that I call “wallowing”. You are going to wallow in your grief at every first. You know what – that’s okay. You are entitled to do that. The good thing is that you get on here, vent it, you call your good friends, and they help you pick yourself up. As long as you can look around and see your blessings (which you do) then you are grieving in a very healthy way.

    You are amazing; your emotional strength is amazing. The way you are able to get on here and pour out your raw emotion without reserve is amazing. Then you get back on here and show us that you are okay. That’s amazing. Ariana is very lucky to have a mother as strong and amazing as you are. (I think I’m over using amazing but you get the point)

    We are all praying for you to continue to have the strength to make it through this!

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  14. you are lucky in many ways!
    I saw you were featured on another blog (Nicole sent me the link!)
    xoox

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  15. I am a new follower to your blog but I want to tell you how amazing you are! You are the a mold of strength and my hat is off to you for being able to pull through for your daughter and yourself. You are correct, that you are loved by your husband. Even if he is no longer on this earth. I am more then sure he is watching down over you and your beautiful little girl!

    Keep doing what you are doing and Jonny will always be there to guide you when you do fall a little!

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  16. I believe in you Rachel. :-)

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  17. ((HUGS)) for you and I did love this post:)

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  18. Seriously girl....I freaking LOVE you! You are completely amazing, and I am so lucky to have you in my life! You know that I am ALWAYS here for you! We need to get together again! Maybe....just me AND you this time...*wink!

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  19. I have no words to really offer. I am just amazed at your strength and beautiful words describing it. Always cherish the good friends and all your fond memories. My prayers go out to you.

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  20. You amaze me. That is really all that I have to say. That you are amazing and I wish I lived near you!

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  21. I LUURVE this post.. and it only makes me respect you a 1000 times more. Not everyone has the ability to do what you did here and even for a moment concentrate on the blessing in life. Good for you Mrs. Porto!
    I hope today continues to be blessed for you. And that even though you were blogging at 1.28AM you feel rested and have a good day. :)

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  22. I definitely agree. You are one lucky lady and I'm glad you know it. I don't expect any of this to be anything but THE hardest thing ever but Ari is a beautiful reminder of everything you do have to live for. And you might not always like living everything so ... publicly?... but youre so inspiring to women everywhere. Love & Hugs!!!

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  23. This post is amazing. I am glad I have that you had the chance to be loved like that. MANY MANY People are never loved the way Jonny loved you. You are such an inspiration. I know Ariana is lucky to have you as her mother and you being such a strong woman is going to carry through to her!!!

    When your Mom called me about the bracelet, she had said "I build 'em strong" and that she did. I'm so glad that you have the positive to look at, and I'm glad you have friends that help you through this. Family too!!

    <3

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  24. It's only been a couple of weeks since our journey began but we are so over the moon excited! I just wanted to drop in and invite you along for the ride - either you're a follower of my OTHER blog or just a sweet person I'd love to come along!

    Hopefully, the secrecy won't last long... www.DefinitelyMaybeBaby.com

    Much love, luck, and blessings!!

    The *Maybe* Baby Mama

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  25. You inspire me so much with your strength. I'm glad that you are able to share your good and bad days with us and that you are able to still see all the good that is in your life. My prayers continue to be with you, your family and especially your precious baby girl!

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  26. Mrs. P,

    Like so many of the other comments have mentioned, you are amazing and an inspiration! I think about you all the time.

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  27. Repetitive is good. Never keep repeating and remembering the good.

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  28. This post made me smile. Keep remembering those things you're thankful for and hopefully they'll help you thru those rough days. And repetition is definitely a good thing when it comes to posts like this!

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  29. You repeat things as much as you possibly need to. Never forget these things. If you have to repeat them over and over again...do it. It's good for us to remember too. So keep repeating it!

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  30. Usually I read your posts and I cry tears of sadness for you and that beautiful daughter of yours, but I cried tears of happiness for you this time. This was so well-written and true--you are lucky, and it does take the bad times to see how truly awesome those good times are. I'm so sorry you had to go through what you did, but I want you to know you are an inspriation to me every single day. I check your blog everyday, I worry about you when you don't write and I don't even know you personally. But in my head, you're family because you're a fellow military wife, and we all need to support each other. I pray you continue to have amazing friends and family who support you and get through the rough times, and that you are able to stop every once in a while and have moments like this among that not-so-happy ones. God bless.

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  31. This is so beautiful! You have so much strength, and thanks for reminding us of how much you have to be thankful for. The other day, I was telling some friends about you (not in a gossipy way, just "I know someone who's going through X") and someone asked how you were doing "now," and from knowing you and from reading posts like this, I was able to tell them, you aren't merely surviving your husband's death, you are thriving, honoring him with your life. You are an inspiration.

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  32. I love this post and am so impressed by it! You rock. I hope you read this post from yourself as often as you read the inspiring comments from others. Keep it up!

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  33. I am losing my child, which I am pregnant with now. I know he will die right after birth, or during birth. My Army husband is here, returned from deployment to take care of me. Bittersweet and unfair TO YOU. It was our fifth deployment. I want you to have that. I want you to know a reunion so sweet. I know loss, but I know NOTHING of the loss you are experiencing. Going through loss makes me realize that words of consolation, "Well, at least you have...." never make me feel better, so I won't offer that. No words can do justice the great sacrifice you have given. Your husband, your man....he gave the ultimate sacrifice. My husband always says he is at peace dying in battle, he just hates to leave me behind. You are a true military spouse, standing by her man. I want you to know that you are an inspiration. A true light in the midst of hole of darkness you are going through. Thanks for being real. For telling us about your journey. You are a true hero. Love to you.

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  34. You are such a strong person! I am in awe that you are facing probably the hardest thing in life, and you are still finding the positive. You are an inspiration to me!

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  35. There is sooo much I want to say to you, but all I can muster up right now is WOW You are my hero! I dont know how you do it, but you give me hope that no matter what happens in my life I am still blessed and strong enough to get through it! You bring tears to my eyes with every post-sad tears and happy tears all at once! I know I don't know you, but I am SO proud of you! You are one strong young woman and an inspiration to so many!

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