It may not seem that I am grateful or knowledgeable of the good things I have in my life at all times, because honestly, it is hard to remember all that I have at all times. Sometimes, it's easier to see all that I have lost, all that I am living with out, and all that I miss so much. But sometimes, I have to stop and think that I am lucky.
The number one reason I can say this, is because I, little ol' Mrs. P, got to be Jonny Porto's wife. I am a lucky girl, I got to know a love like no other. I was loved and adored by a man that I loved and adored right back. I got to know what some people may unfortunately never know. When I am feeling down, I try to focus on that love. Not how much I miss it, although that is hard to push aside, but how fortunate I had it, no, STILL have it. I had a fairy tale romance with a hottie tottie, brave, honest, honorable, genuine, simply amazing man. I will forever be in love with that man. True Love stories have NO endings. I found a quote on the Real Widows facebook page that said "Grief is the price we pay for love" and I thought on it for a second and I realized, while it is painful and there are days I feel like I will never see the light again, it's a price I am willing to pay. It meant that I was (and am) in love, and I wouldn't trade that for anything, not even the relief of this pain. Because I can look back through the tears and the pain and remember that love and from it, gain strength.
I am also lucky because from that love the most gorgeous little girl in the universe (ok, I might be slightly biased) was produced. I thank God for her every day. She is amazing and I know in my heart she will do amazing things. So I can honestly say I am lucky to have been loved the way I was and I am lucky to have our daughter, our little J, little Stink, Daddy Jr, who will be a constant reminder to me and everyone else of the love her daddy and I shared.
I am lucky because I have friends. I have both good friends and not-so-good friends. I want to thank the not-so-good ones because you make me see how good I really have it. You make me realize that I can rise above this because there really are still good people out there. You show me an ugly side of friendship that makes me appreciate the wonderful friends I have so much more. And an even bigger thanks to the good friends. The ones I can call at 3am with the bad-night code phrase and they know exactly what that means and often times how to rectify it. And if they can't, they still do their best and stay with me until I can breathe again. They come to my ridiculous parties/nights out and listen to my stories and distract me and remind me that I'm still alive, I can still have fun. They help me out when I'm in a bind, sick and unable, whether it be watching the babe or bringing diapers. They love me for me, in my good times and my bad, and they accept my bad and know that the bad is going to be part of this and their only job is to help me find my feet when I feel them slip out from under me. They feel when I feel, they hurt when I hurt. They remember. They remember Jonny even if they did not get a chance to meet him, they will not let him, nor myself, be forgotten. I pray that I continue to have such luck in friendship as the years go on.
And as far as friends go, I am lucky for you bloggy friends. The outpouring of love on my post 2 posts ago (after his memorial) and the love on many other of my posts as well, continues to amaze me. I want you to know that even though I don't usually respond (a lot of times I try to but you don't have your email set so that I can... go here - Thanks JG - if ya wanna fix it ;-D ) I read each and every comment. There are quite a few I keep in my inbox and reread when I'm having one of those moments. I am crappy at replying to emails in general (there are a few "business" emails I haven't gotten back to... oooops) so please don't ever take it personally if I don't respond, I honestly probably just forgot that I hadn't yet responded, I typically respond in my head as I read I just forget to write it down... widow brain is a turd.
I am lucky because I have family. I have two big families that want nothing but the best for Ariana and I. We are so surrounded with love and stories and memories and laughter and protection. We always have somewhere to turn when things seem too hard. Families that let us live and don't expect too much but are willing to grab us when the going gets tough.
So yes, while I often ask myself, How did I get so unlucky? Why me? What did I do to deserve this? I still have times when I must think, Wow, I am lucky and I am blessed.
Living without him is killer.
Noticing the hand sanitizer is running out and laughing through my tears sucks. Rolling onto his side of the bed and finding it cold instead of warm like how it used to be is terrible. Looking at a wooden box instead of his beautiful face is torture.
But taking a minute to reflect on my blessings reminds me that I can do this (even through all the suck), I will do this. I am going to live my life. It's going to be painful and awful and rough at times, but I am going to live my life, and I know that's all he would ever ask of me, to continue living, for me and for our beautiful gift from God, Ariana.
*I know I've posted like this before, and hopefully I will post like this again. Sometimes I just need to re-remind myself how much I still do have. Thanks guys for hanging in there even when I may tend to be repetitive.