Frigid Day in December

It was unseasonably cold out today for early December in south east North Carolina. Below freezing the majority of the morning rising up to just low 50s, as far as I could tell by my car thermostat. The weather, however, was not what was taking priority of my thoughts on this day. Just a number. A simple, some could say, meaningless, number.

365.

That's right.
365.
365 Days since I last saw my husband alive. Since I last held him, kissed him, touched him, hugged him, talked to him in person, laughed with him, made love to him. 365 since his lips grazed mine, since he gently kissed my forehead. Since he promised he'd see us soon, in a few months. An entire year has passed since we said what we thought to be a few months of see ya later.
And all I could think about was that day last year. What I was doing last year compared to what I am doing this year and what I've been doing since things have changed. So much has changed. Everything has changed. And now, from this day forward, our "last year we..."s are gone. Sure, "last year we talked on the phone or emailed about...", for another couple months still exists. But anything in person, there is no more "Last year we went..." or "Last year when Jonny and I...". It's painful.

I wrote a detailed post about deployment day a few months ago. I still remember that day so easily and I honestly hope I never forget it. Although it was filled with crazy emotion - sadness, severe anxiety, fear... it was the last day we ever had together. We didn't know it then, but that was it. The end of our physical time together. Looking back, I wished I'd taken more photos. I remember I hadn't worn makeup or done my hair because I knew I was going to cry and would rather have a no-make up face than a tear stained, black-streaked one. I wish I had taken the time to look pretty the last day he saw me. I wish we had more photos of those last moments. But there are some and I will always cherish them. I will always cherish our last moments at the house, even when it felt like he was dragging me out because we had to leave to get ready for deployment and I just didn't want to. I will cherish Bad Romance coming on in the car to cheer up a very sad day (maybe my obsession with that song and Gaga herself stems partly from this). I will always cherish every one of our moments together, the good and the bad, because I know how precious they really were.

So to spend this day, I kept busy. I did a lot of running around. I went and got my oil changed in the truck. And after realizing a strange light had turned on on my dashboard, I took the truck to the Toyota dealer to have them check it out. Then I spent time crying in the dealership because it was a stupid problem (it was the tire pressure gauge just letting me know the air pressure in the tires was off) that I should have been able to figure out myself, that Jonny would have been able to figure out. I was upset that he's not here to help with the "man tasks" anymore. That I'm left to take care of not only myself, but also our daughter and every other little thing in our lives, even the things that would be better left to him to take care of. I went and had lunch with friends at a mexican restaurant which was quite enjoyable and then did a little Christmas shopping for the couple of secret santas I'm involved in as well as for family. I'm just not into the holiday spirit this year, but I'm doing my best to get into it and be a jolly gift giver at the very least. When I got home, I was getting ready to jump in the shower when I noticed it...

my ring was gone.
MY RING WAS GONE!!!!!

This ring means almost as much to me as my wedding set. It was given to me by my parents for my 18th birthday, it's my birthstone cut into the shape of a heart with two diamonds on the side. When Jonny and I started getting serious, I gave him the ring and, while you make think it completely cheesy, I said, "Here, have my heart, keep it safe." And that's what he did. He put it on his dog tags and it went where he went the entirety of our relationship. That ring came back with his personal affects from Afghanistan. It's the very first thing I got back after he was killed. That ring had been between us throughout our relationship, to Afghanistan and back and now... now... it's gone. For good? I don't know. I've had a couple scares over the last 9 months where it would fall off. But stupid me never got it sized or put it up I just remembered to double check my ring multiple times thoughout the day. Except today. I couldn't tell you the last time I saw it on my finger, I just know it wasn't there this evening. I've looked but it was dark out, I'm going through my truck tomorrow. I have been torn up about this since I noticed it. And on all days... THIS ONE?! REALLY?? Like I needed more to be upset about. My mom has a theory though. Maybe it's a message from Jonny. When I had said to her about how it's one of the only things between us that's made it to 'Stan and back she said "Especially since it happened on this day of all days, Maybe it's him trying to tell you to let go a little bit. Let go of Afghanistan and everything that happened there." I believe in signs and I'm trying to see that things happen for a reason but I have a hard time reading what the signs mean. Maybe it's him telling me I'm a shithead and he doesn't like something I did. Maybe it's him telling me to let my heart go. Maybe it's him telling me to get more organized and pay more attention so I don't lose shit. Maybe it's just the fact that I lost weight and it was too big for my finger and I didn't take the time to get it sized (mostly because I didn't want to let go of it long enough to do that). It'd be much easier to know what (if) he meant if he would just tell me, everyone knows I'm really bad at taking hints!

I freak out because I put so much emphasis on stuff. All this stuff is really all I've got - or at least I feel that way - of what we had together. I keep thinking if I lose/break/get rid of any of this stuff or change anything, what we had and the time we spent together will disappear too. I talked to a fellow widster tonight and she reminded me that we do not need the material things, that we do have that time and we do have those memories, and our beautiful children! regardless of what things we have. And maybe there is some message in my ring being lost and maybe, just maybe it will turn up again. All I know is losing it has totally brought down the "ok" feeling I'd had after being with friends and brought me right back to how I felt this morning - that this suck is really really hard!

So I spent a little more time with friends and calmed down and I, ironically, ended the evening the same way I had a year ago on this day. I came back to an empty house.
Only this time, there was no box waiting on the doorstep reminding me I'd have to figure out how to put a rocker for a nursery together by myself (mom helped with that one what feels like forever ago) and there were feelings missing. There was no fear of the unknown, of what will happen next, no anxiety about when he will call, no waiting by the phone/computer for any kind of contact. Just the one feeling that hasn't left since that day - complete and utter loneliness.

So, this day 365 days since the last time I saw you in the flesh, I have this to say to you my Stinky, if you can somehow read the waves of the interwebs. I love you more than I can imagine to possibly convey on a blog. I am eternally grateful for the life I had with you and the love we shared in the flesh and continue to share since your passing. I am so thankful you gave me our precious daughter. And not only do I miss you, but I miss you painfully every single day, and I continue to wish that it would be possible for you to be here with us. But knowing that that will never be possible, I wish that I can somehow find some light in this dark tunnel and start to figure things out in this lonely life without you. Thank you babe, for loving me even though I made it hard sometimes, for always thinking I was beautiful even on days like D-Day when I wasn't wearing makeup, for always being on my side and for believing in me. Forever and ever, my love.

44 comments

  1. You already know how much I think of you! There are no words anyone can express to you. Know that you have all our love and support. You are truely one amazing women!!!!

    Love you girlie!!!!! You better come be my neighbor;)

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  2. Oh my gosh, Rachel, I had no idea. I didn't know you this time last year (which is odd, because somehow it feels like I've known you forever). I've seen your status updates and prayed for you because I knew you were having a rough day. I'm doubling-down on those right now. Love and hugs, honey.

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  3. Love you Rach <3 I'm all teary eyed and I can't think of anything else to say but know I'm always thinking of you.

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  4. By the way (You don't have to publish this comment) I recently read the book "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn and thought of you and Jonny often as I read it. It's pretty detailed and vivid, and I think you would, well, maybe not *enjoy* reading it, but I really do recommend it. There's a section in particular about whether or not people in Heaven are watching over us, and he gives good reason as to why to believe they are. Anyway, if you are so inclined, I do recommend it.

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  5. Wow, this post really hit me hard. I lost both my parents just over three years ago so I know how days like today feel. You got through it. That's the most important thing to remember. My heart aches for you. Hold on to those memories-they are very precious and will get you through the hard days. Lots of love to you and your adorable baby.

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  6. Rachel- you are a wonderful woman and mother! This post brought me to tears.... I wish (as all your readers, friends, and family) I could turn back time and bring your husband home, so that you could have your "happliy ever after".....
    You have been in my thoughts/prayers everyday. May you eventually find peace and understanding. I dont know how you do it but youare such an inspiration to MANY. Thank you for letting us into your life.

    I hope you find your ring!

    Hugs from Akron,Leeann

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  7. I'm so sorry about your ring loss on this day. You are such a brave woman!

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  8. I'm so sorry for the loss of your ring on this day. You are such a brave woman!

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  9. "The night is darkest just before dawn."

    I still think about you almost every day, as strange as that may seem (I swear, it's NOT in a creepy way!). I have always thought, and will always think that you have an enormous amount of strength, and the way you handle yourself is nothing less than absolutely classy.

    I believe that he's watching over you, and taking note of everything. He's still with you, even though you're gone. I believe that he wants you to move on with your life, but not before you're ready. He will stand and support you every inch of the way. ♥

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  10. I hope you find the ring.
    Those are such lovely photos of the three of you. Thanks for sharing all of this with us.

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  11. So sorry today was a rough day. Maybe it was a sign...What your mom says could be right :) I cant even put into words what to say, I just hope that the love that you two shared and still share and the love that Ariana has for you helps you throughout your life. You are an amazing woman!

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  12. There aren't any words that I could say to make you feel better. I just want you to know things do happen for a reason as sucky as they seem. I do hope you find that ring though. I pray for you every day my love. Every day!

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  13. I am in tears, crying so much I think I have made a pool in my lap. Your entries are so, I don't really know how to describe them. I really hope you find your ring.

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  14. Oh, hon, this post made me cry so hard. My heart aches for you.

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  15. I cried... I completely hope you find your ring. I am sure you will

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  16. I love reading your blogs even through my tears. I am so sorry for your loss. I do believe that our loved ones can speak to us whether through dreams, our conscious or other ways. My thoughts are with you and your precious little girl.

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  17. I wish I could say something profound to make you feel a little bit better. I hope you find your ring back. Thinking of you...

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  18. (((((HUGS)))) to you and your daughter. Signs are out there, we just have to be still enough to hear them. I am not a religious person but I do believe in signs, your mom is a wise woman. Every year in August on the day my dad was KIA in Vietnam I always say, I won't remember this day..although his birthday was 3 days prior and without a doubt something happens and I remember..I will see something that will make me think of my dad..on that day. Signs.

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  19. I enjoy reading you blog so much. You write and let it out where so many just hold it in. I found you blog just by looking at others. I look for updates everyday. You are a very strong person. You have a beautiful little girl also. I cry very often by reading your blog.

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  20. It is loss xx when you have lost so much even the loss of a smaller thing can seem like the end of the world. I lost the stone out of my ring a few months ago. it was a £10 ring (about $14.00 I think) I don't know why I grieved really hard about it for hours and hours. I was lucky I found it the next day and stuck it back. I hope you find yours, but know that it is still out there somewhere. So is Jonny :-) x:-)

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  21. You have me teary girl. I am reaching across the web to give you a virtual hug. I don't know the right words to say so I hope that helps. I will pray to Saint Anthony that your ring turns up soon. The three of you are always in my prayers.

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  22. Thinking of you and Ariana today. I wish I had the words to make you feel better. <3

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  23. Whatever message he's trying to get across to you with the missing ring isn't worth stressing over, just take it as him showing you he's here with you! He chose yesterday to intervene and show that you he's with you! Maybe on another important day, he'll give your ring back to you :)

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  24. As I was reading about your ring, right before you wrote about your mom's theory, I thought to myself, "It's a sign." Call me cheesy, but I'm a huge believer in signs. I 100% agree with your mom that losing your ring today of all days was a sign that Jonny is looking out for you, telling you that it's ok to let go a little. And you know what I'm guessing? When you find it, that will be a sign as well. Fingers crossed that you find it soon.

    Love those pics. And who cares if you weren't wearing makeup on that last day? I think you look beautiful, and I'm sure Jonny thought so too.

    Hang in there girl.

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  25. ((HUGS)) I love you girl... I will pray extra hard that you are able to find your ring!!!! ((HUGS))

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  26. My thoughts and prayers are with you on this day sweet girl. Your strength continues to amaze me everyday. He's proud of you, no doubt about it.

    I think your mom was right. I'll bet it is a sign from Jonny. I hope you figure out the message soon.

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  27. Rachie baby,
    I woke up yesterday morning (on the 8th) and the first thing I did was grab my "Never forget" bracelet around my wrist and I said to myself "Its today, isn't it." I never knew what date deployment was last year... but this morning it just came to me, like I always knew the exact date. I thought about you all of yesterday and I said a prayer to Mr. P before I went to bed last night.
    I am so sorry about your ring. I remember your reaction when you found out that it was one of his personal affects that came home with him. I truly hope that you find it soon. I know it means so much to you.
    Much love,
    J Berman

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  28. Very touching! I have tears in my eyes reading this. I hope you find that ring of yours. I believe it is a message from Johnny. Your an amazing strong woman, and I will continue to Pray for you!

    ~Alicia

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  29. Rachel, I hope you find your ring love. I don't personally know how you feel, but I've seen it before, unfortunately. My friend Deb (you might know her), moved from California to here, and still put Donnies clothes up in the closet like he would be home. She kept his clothes in there for a couple years after he was killed. Finally one day she put them in a box, but they're still there. *hugs* Love you chicka!

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  30. was that a year ago??
    I am so sorry for the year you have had. I am bad at figuring out signs too...I hope you find the ring though!

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  31. i think that since that ring has been everywhere with him, that he brought it up to Heaven with him for a bit. You will find it. Just know tat when you do its been up there with him! You are amazing. <3

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  32. I have never commented before, but felt I should, maybe losing your ring is Jonny's way of showing you he's still holding your heart...
    Your post today made me incredibly sad, but also incredibly happy for you. You have a man who loved you so wholy & you him & that's something that some people will never experience in their lifetime. Stay strong & God bless.

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  33. praying for you today. 365 days is a long time . . . and praying you find your dear ring.
    ((HUGS))
    misty in NC

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  34. I think you should be sent on the Ellen Show and given some SUPER sweet stuff, because you absolutely deserve it sweet girl! I hope and pray you find that ring of yours <3

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  35. I love reading your blog. It brings to tears to my eyes whether it's a fun or sad blog entry. My husband is over in Afghanistan right now, and although I cannot relate to your exact situation, please know I send my heart out to you and your baby girl. You are so incredibly strong and your brave husband is always looking down on you. I truly hope you find your ring. Keep your head up. He'll always be there with you. This song always makes me think of you and fellow widows: Address in the stars by Caitlin and Will. If you get a chance, listen to it. Your always in my thoughts. From an Army wife to a Marine wife, God bless and thank you and your brave Marine for all you do <3. He will never be forgotten.

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  36. Please keep writing your thoughts here for us.It heals you but it also helps those of us who still have loved ones over there.My son leaves the day after Christmas for Afghanistan and I need to hear the things you wished you had done so I can hold onto them.I cry for you and I so admire you and most of all I thank you for your sacrafice as a Wife and a Mother.I always come here but I find myself today coming here for me.I too hope you find your ring but can also relate to your Mom.I believe they communicate however they can you know.I know he is so proud of you for your strength and love.You are truly a wonderful person.Thank You

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  37. I love those pictures of the two of you. Please tell us you found your ring...

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  38. I am seriously crying. I can just tell how much you love him... and this is just reading it from your blog, I couldn't even imagine how much more it is in your heart. I love your blog, I am sending you my thoughts, prayers, everything. You are such a strong woman. And you have been through so much- no one ever truly knows unless they've been through it themselves....
    I believe in signs. And I think you lost your ring for a reason. You may not understand it, I really hope you do find it... xoxo

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  39. I don't know you, but I found your blog after my boyfriend joined the Marine Corps.. You don't have to publish this, but I just want you to know that you are truly inspiring. I know it must be of little comfort, but you help me realize how real life is, how precious and precarious it is. You and your beautiful daughter are in my prayers.

    When I read this post, I couldn't help thinking that, if it is a sign, maybe the message is that he's keeping his promise; he is still keeping your heart safe with him wherever he goes.

    I hope you find your ring soon, though. My heart goes out to you with love and prayers.

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  40. Beautifully written as always Mrs. Porto, and as always there's no response that will bring you comfort. But, as always, I hope you continue to write and let your spirit shine. You're beautiful (with or without Make-up!)

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  41. Before I read what your mom said I was already thinking something similar. I believe in signs to a degree, but how do we ever know when something's a sign and when we just want things to make sense so bad that we're grasping at straws? But for that one ring to disappear..on that one day, it seems like there might be more to it. Maybe it is him saying you should let go of some of the hurt. Maybe it's him telling you that on one of the days you have needed him most, that he still has your heart and he's still protecting it. Maybe it's just him saying he knows how much you miss him and he wishes he could be with you too. We'll never know. But I'm so glad to see that you did find the ring (I saw in a later post). And, I'm definitely sending you prayers as this difficult anniversary passes and another difficult one approaches.

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