Mud

My brain is so muddled. I guess this is the infamous widow brain. I feel like it will be the death of my memory. I forget things. All. The. Time. I forget to respond to emails (I just found some important ones from June... oops), I forget to return messages, I forget where I'm going. Much of the time, it's like I can't concentrate or focus. I have to really buckle myself down to do my school work and I often read the prompts 4 million times before doing it because I can't remember what I'm supposed to be looking for when I start reading (definitely not typical of me from when I was in undergrad).

A few months ago, I was heading to a friend's house. This is a house I spent nearly every day at, literally. Probably a good 5 out of 7 days were there (and probably 4 of those I spent the night), so I should have known where I was going. I made it on base, turned into her neighborhood and then completely blanked out. I had no idea where I was going. I was on the phone with another friend and had to get off so I could concentrate. I drove around her neighborhood for a few minutes and realized I had absolutely no clue how to get to her house! My grief counselor had warned me this would happen so I was semi-prepared. I called my friend half in tears and half laughing. WHERE DO YOU LIVE?! She laughed at me (good-naturedly, since I was already laughing... of course) and guided me to her house and when I got there I jumped out of the truck in near panic attack but still laughing. Luckily I've got the sense of humor to still find it funny and I laughed it off, thank you widow brain, for screwing with me yet again.

Sometimes, it's a bit scarier. When we were in Florida before the funeral, some friends and I went shopping for my funeral attire for the week. I was in the dressing room with a friend, and the rest of my friends were waiting outside and keeping the baby occupied. All of a sudden, I couldn't remember anything... about the accident. I looked at my friend and I can only imagine my face must have been white as a sheet because when she looked at me she knew something was wrong. I told her I can't remember. I can't remember. What happened?! She looked at me like Oh shit, I'm going to have to tell her her husband is dead. I saw that on her face and assured her I knew that much, I couldn't imagine having to re-break the news so I let her know I knew he was gone. But I couldn't remember how, what had happened to lead to this? She had to literally walk me through what had happened. Mind you, I was very involved with my husband's career and I grew up in a military environment, but I couldn't even remember any of the acronyms. When she said MRAP, she had to explain what that was. When she said IED, I was lost (and really people even outside the military world know what that is!). Literally step by tiny step. As she told the story to me, it came flooding back and I could once again remember. I made her promise though, that if that ever happened again she'd have to do it again. I know it must have sucked really, really bad for her telling me all the details, but I just can't not know, ya know? And I was so thankful I had a friend who could do that for me.

My point here is that the brain is a tricky thing. Our brains do what they can to protect us and help us survive. My brain must have thought I needed to put that out to be able to get through the pain, I'm not really sure. It is amazing and unbelievable and scary and difficult all at once. And now I still experience brain-blips but it's mostly in the form of just forgetting every stinkin' thing. My ears stop listening when people give me details these days. I don't stop listening, but it's like I stop registering. While you're telling me I could hear every single thing you said, but if you asked me to repeat it right after I would miss parts. It's frustrating because it doesn't just interfere with knowing about what happened but with every day life. Maybe there is some kind of supplement or something that I can take to increase brain power and memory. Ginko perhaps? Ginseng? Hmmm...


On another mud note... I am doing the USMC Mud Run! For those of you who have been here a while, you may have remembered at the beginning of deployment I talked about wanting to do it. (I looked but can't find the post, it's somewhere out there between December and March... hmmm). Anyway, I had said I wanted to train during this deployment and get prepared and do the mud run in September with my babe. I figured it would be super fun and a great way to get back in shape post-baby. Well of course since every thing happened it hit the back burner and I completely forgot about it until I saw on someone's blog about the Warrior Dash and I remembered how badly I wanted to do the mud run. So, I decided that I would carry over this goal from "before" and go after it now. And still give my husband a great laugh. I've got my team of 4 all set up, 4 of us wonderful widows (or as our team name says - Gold Stars Gone Wild - hahaha) and I think it's going to be a powerful experience for us. Where we support each other to finish and grow stronger after completing. I'm preeeeeetty excited. I also have some more friends doing it, since you can only have teams of 4 I've encouraged all my friends to create or join another team and we will still do it together. I wanted a big group of people down there, and right now I know of one other team of my friends, possibly a third, that will be with us.

If you are interested in the 2010 USMC Mud Run check it out here
It is on Saturday, September 25 in Columbia, SC and the proceeds go to wounded and KIA Marines and families (in the SC area, I believe, but either way - good cause!)

18 comments

  1. That mud run actually looks like a lot of fun! I'd like to join in on something like that.

    And a sense of humor is a wonderful thing :)

    Cabin Fever in Vermont

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  2. I would LOVE to do it.How long is it?

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  3. Ahhh, I'm kind of excited. My friend and I looked at the course at work last night. She is a runner, and personally I kinda hate it. But, just looking at it made us laugh because it's bound to be a great time. Plus, plan on jumping your booty out of a plane!! :) Hopefully all works out for us with work, and we'll be there!! Hugs and loves!!

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  4. Well, this makes me feel a little better. I've done similar things. Sometimes I'm positive I am completely losing it. I agree, though. The brain is just preserving our sanity.

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  5. I'm too much of a heffalump to do it this year... but maybe next year!!!

    LOL I called David a heffalump the other day, he didn't appreciate it! lol... and Moe called him a Chumpalump lol

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  6. I've wanted to do a mud run for a while. I'm so glad you are going to do this. I hope the memory starts to get better for you. That must be really tough. Good luck training for the run!

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  7. That is a very scary thing I'm glad you have great friends that are their to support you. I've heard about the MUD run they say its pretty fun my ex boss use to be a marine and still participated he wanted everyone in the office to participate mind you ima big girl and i was preggo at the time and he still bugged me about joining lol happy Wednesday to you!

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  8. Our journey has begun!… secretly though

    If I’ve left you this message, you’re a follower of my original blog ~OR~ just someone I’ve happened upon while sending out these invites and that I would LOVE for to come along for the ride! Though I won’t be revealing who I am just yet – until we’re TO and THROUGH the first trimester! Just getting the word out about our new site – further explanation of all the secrecy and what we’re about on my first post. I’d love for you to stop by.

    Exciting things going on around here!

    www.definitelymaybebaby.com

    ~ the {secret} *Maybe* Baby Mama

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  9. That sounds like its going to be so fun! Ha ha I can't wait to see pictures!

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  10. I hope you enjoy the mud run! I am from the Columbia area and I have many of friends who participate in this each year! They always have a blast and I am sure you will too! Good luck!

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  11. Rachel, what a beautiful blog...I hope that it brings you some sort of peace to post/share your thoughts. God Bless You Sweetheart...You are all in my prayers every night...Jonny is watching over you both and we will never forget him! Semper Fi Darlin

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  12. Good luck with the Mud Run :) I am doing the Army 10 miler for Mike this year and it "doing it for him" has been my sole motivation to keep training! I'm sure it will be a great experience and I'm glad you have a team of widows, and other friends who will be there doing it with you! Much love

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  13. Whatever you find to help you with your memory, feel free to share the wealth. I have no excuse for my memory loss. Old age, I guess. Too bad I'm not even 30 yet haha.

    Dude I'm sooooooooo jealous you're doing the mud run! I thought it was too early to sign up. Maybe that's just out here. But I am totally gonna try to do it too. I'm trying to rally up a team and maybe throw in my older kids too. A perfect excuse to finally allow them to play in the mud :)

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  14. Mrs. P...you have a blog award. Come visit and pick it up!

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  15. I really would like to tell you how brave we think you are. You inspire us to keep going, even when it is hard. It's always nice to see that a sense of humor isn't too far from reach either. Those days when laughter, turns to tears and tears to laughter, think of how much you inspire us. You keep writing this blog and still have the time to be a wonderful young mother. Thank you....

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  16. Will it make you feel any better to know that I did major cleaning on my inbox and now our last emails sit on the first page? :P Its like we were JUST having that conversation :) Like, maybe a week ago? Yeah...that's how I remember it!

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  17. I've been following your blog for quite some time now. I'm doing this run in September, too. Two of my teammates are super duper in shape (he's a Marine Capt. and she is Cross Fit certified) and then there's me and hubs.

    Hubs was a Marine stationed at Camp Lejeune and I was a college girl at UNC-W when we met and married in 2006. We've since moved on and now we're NC ARNG family. This will be my first run EVER of any type and I'm so not in shape for it, but best I can do is keep my fingers crossed and pray my lungs don't explode. I've been working out and trying to get this running thing down, but I think I'm just one of those people who isn't meant to run. However, I wanted the first run I participated in to be one that is near and dear to my heart. I married a Marine, I can't help it. Our team is "Ladies and Grunts."

    I wish you all the best. You deserve it and some.

    Semper Fi...

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