Alone

It's the first time I've been alone-alone in quite some time. Since like, deployment basically. Because then Ariana was born, so I had her, and even when someone is watching her I'm typically with family or friends. So I took a little trip down to NC by my lonesome and Ariana stayed with grandma (I'm sure grandma is SO upset about baby time, right?! haha). I had quite a few things I wanted to get done, some legal junk, pick up the truck so we can get back and blah blah blah and it was just easier if I went sans baby. Although I'm missing the crap out of her and ready to be back with my little poops asap.

It was actually a pretty decent trip. The first night back I think I was just so relieved to be in my own house. I slept in our bed (!!!) and got a pretty good night's sleep. The next day I woke up and started some of my errands and hung out with some friends I hadn't seen in what felt like forever. I hate being away from my good friends lol. Then came home and slept well again! Friday I got a TON of stuff done and nothing could get me down. Well, I'm sure something could have, but it certainly felt like nothing. It was a good day, I was in a great mood and people didn't irritate the crap out of me like usual (ha). I had some friends over that night. Enjoyed delicious chili cheese dogs and crunchy fries and wine and beer. It was all a great time and I was having a blast. But of course I indulged more than I should and ended up getting in an argument with one of Jonny's best friends. I couldn't really tell you what it was about. We kind of went in circles. I think I sometimes take some of my anger out on him. I know that's completely unfair but it happens. This friend has been around since I met Jonny - literally, like that night I met him as well - and it's like he's a tiny piece of Jonny so I guess when I get angry with Jonny I get angry with him too. I hope he understands I love him like the big brudder he is and knows I'm just in a tough spot. We seemed to end on good terms so I'm pretty sure everything is ok. I also hope I didn't scare away some of my new friends... it wasn't that bad, I don't think, just a stupid argument. Then I decided to just be weepy and cry myself to sleep, which isn't that unusual since I do it often, it's unusual that I'd had such good sleep the couple days prior. During the day I was alright, just had the drained, weird feeling and absolutely zero motivation. I didn't work on my paper that I was supposed to finish this weekend instead I sat around watching TV. Oh, I lied, I did get my oil changed (considering the last time it was done, Jonny had done it him self, so probably... November? I know it was when we were in Maryland...). So at least I was slightly productive, go me! But before and after that it was just a hang around the house day.

Tonight, I'm missing Jonny bad. Well, I'm always missing him bad, but I am just feeling pretty empty and down tonight. I once described it as if someone takes a spoon and hollows out your insides. You feel the pain of them scooping them out, and then you feel the nothing, the hollow loneliness. Sometimes I just feel like a shell. Like I'm just walking around the body of a person that once was. And the crazy part is other days, or moments I guess, because it can change in a second, I feel almost normal. Hm. I hate those moments where something will happen, be it good or bad, just something, and I want to tell him, and I forget for a split second, a nano second, that he's gone. And I think O Gosh I need to call Stink he would get a kick out of this. The reality after that is always a super bitch, for lack of a better term. A total slap in the face. You can't call him, Rach. You can tell him, he probably already saw it, but you can't call him and you can't hear his reaction. Argh.

Hm, I should get some sleep, I'm on the road again tomorrow. Mrs World Traveler I am (Ok, Eastern United States... ha).