Alone

It's the first time I've been alone-alone in quite some time. Since like, deployment basically. Because then Ariana was born, so I had her, and even when someone is watching her I'm typically with family or friends. So I took a little trip down to NC by my lonesome and Ariana stayed with grandma (I'm sure grandma is SO upset about baby time, right?! haha). I had quite a few things I wanted to get done, some legal junk, pick up the truck so we can get back and blah blah blah and it was just easier if I went sans baby. Although I'm missing the crap out of her and ready to be back with my little poops asap.

It was actually a pretty decent trip. The first night back I think I was just so relieved to be in my own house. I slept in our bed (!!!) and got a pretty good night's sleep. The next day I woke up and started some of my errands and hung out with some friends I hadn't seen in what felt like forever. I hate being away from my good friends lol. Then came home and slept well again! Friday I got a TON of stuff done and nothing could get me down. Well, I'm sure something could have, but it certainly felt like nothing. It was a good day, I was in a great mood and people didn't irritate the crap out of me like usual (ha). I had some friends over that night. Enjoyed delicious chili cheese dogs and crunchy fries and wine and beer. It was all a great time and I was having a blast. But of course I indulged more than I should and ended up getting in an argument with one of Jonny's best friends. I couldn't really tell you what it was about. We kind of went in circles. I think I sometimes take some of my anger out on him. I know that's completely unfair but it happens. This friend has been around since I met Jonny - literally, like that night I met him as well - and it's like he's a tiny piece of Jonny so I guess when I get angry with Jonny I get angry with him too. I hope he understands I love him like the big brudder he is and knows I'm just in a tough spot. We seemed to end on good terms so I'm pretty sure everything is ok. I also hope I didn't scare away some of my new friends... it wasn't that bad, I don't think, just a stupid argument. Then I decided to just be weepy and cry myself to sleep, which isn't that unusual since I do it often, it's unusual that I'd had such good sleep the couple days prior. During the day I was alright, just had the drained, weird feeling and absolutely zero motivation. I didn't work on my paper that I was supposed to finish this weekend instead I sat around watching TV. Oh, I lied, I did get my oil changed (considering the last time it was done, Jonny had done it him self, so probably... November? I know it was when we were in Maryland...). So at least I was slightly productive, go me! But before and after that it was just a hang around the house day.

Tonight, I'm missing Jonny bad. Well, I'm always missing him bad, but I am just feeling pretty empty and down tonight. I once described it as if someone takes a spoon and hollows out your insides. You feel the pain of them scooping them out, and then you feel the nothing, the hollow loneliness. Sometimes I just feel like a shell. Like I'm just walking around the body of a person that once was. And the crazy part is other days, or moments I guess, because it can change in a second, I feel almost normal. Hm. I hate those moments where something will happen, be it good or bad, just something, and I want to tell him, and I forget for a split second, a nano second, that he's gone. And I think O Gosh I need to call Stink he would get a kick out of this. The reality after that is always a super bitch, for lack of a better term. A total slap in the face. You can't call him, Rach. You can tell him, he probably already saw it, but you can't call him and you can't hear his reaction. Argh.

Hm, I should get some sleep, I'm on the road again tomorrow. Mrs World Traveler I am (Ok, Eastern United States... ha).

25 comments

  1. I have to tell you that I look for your posts daily. I feel your pain, my mom and I were talking about how we feel a part of us is missing since my grandmother died in January. My grandmother spent most of my life taking care of me and now when I feel like I need someone to take care me I catch myself wanting to call her. I have to tell you that the hardest thing for me is that I don't remember the last time I saw her before she passed, what we spoke about, if we laughed, if we watched the Golden Girls or Lifetime like we used to, and that really sucks terribly. That and I can't remember what her voice sounds like, and believe me when I tell you I wish more than anything I had a way to hear her.

    It gets easier hunnie, I know it may not seem like it right now and it probably won't for awhile but you keep Jonny's memory alive, and you teach your daughter about him every day, and have her as a constant reminder of him. Like I have said about 1000 times before, you are so strong and inspiring and I live for the day that I have the strength that you have. I know that many people can say "I know how you feel" or an example I have given you before of friends complaining they don't see their boyfriends/husbands in a day or only seeing them on the weekends, these are the petty things that often make you hurt more. You just have to remember something my grandmother used to tell me...When the going gets tough, you put on your big girl panties and take it like a champ." If you ever need me, you know where to find me, I am just a facebook IM away. I hope you feel better love!

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  2. Have a safe trip back. I'll be thinking of you.

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  3. Rachel, I'm thinking of you! I'm glad that the first couple days went so well, but sad to hear how rough the trip ended. I can't even imagine how tough this has all been for you, but you're doing so well with such grace!

    Thinking of you and Ari every day!!

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  4. ((HUGS)) I am so impressed with your willingness to share such raw emotion.

    As for your friend you "fought" with, I'm sure he understands.

    I'm looking forward to meeting you at Ariana's baptism. I found my church shoes!!! :-) I will apologize now for anything my kids may say... Ariel has been asking several people if they have a boyfriend and a husband... lol... just putting it out there!!

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  5. Hey Rachel...I had my run for Jonny today. I posted pics on my blog. Will be in touch soon about the donations. Thinking of you.

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  6. I am glad that you were able to get things done at home. Are you staying in MD for good?

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  7. I've never commented before, but I'm just sitting here reading your archives and crying my face off. Ugly crying.

    You are amazingly strong. I hope you know that.

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  8. Have a safe trip back. I'm sure his friend understands that things are hard.

    Getting stuff done always makes me feel better. Way to go!

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  9. Safe travels back!!
    I am sure his friend understands your situation-being upset and having a little liquid courage to fuel your anger...It happens!
    Hope you are feeling better soon. xoxo

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  10. Your bravery and strength is inspiring. Your ability to completely open your heart for all of us to read still completely baffles me. I hope you know how many people think of you and your precious daughter daily and pray that you will continue to have the strength that you display here. <3

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  11. Rachel I think of you everyday. You are a strong and inspiring young woman. You and Ari are in my thoughts and prayers.
    ~Sue
    http://armylifeadventures.blogspot.com

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  12. Have a safe trip back maybe you'll hook up with my BFF Mrs. Tass!

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  13. I found your blog and LOVE it...SO incredibly inspiring! Wow. All you've been through and you have a beautiful family. It takes strength to go through what you are doing...so from a mom to a mom, I admire you :)

    I will be back often to read posts!!

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  14. Oh hun I am so sorry! Drive safe and be careful for Ariana's sake as well as your own. I know there is nothing anyone can say to take the pain away. God is there and will take care of you and baby girl. Friends and family provide an out. You get mad the easiest at the ones you love the most because you know they will take it and still love you and care about you at the end of it. Enjoy your traveling and Stay strong. Your a year younger than me and have been through so much and you are still going. Some that are twice our age couldn't go through what you have and still be as strong as you have been. :)

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  15. Good for you for getting things done! I hope this trip without little miss will be good for you. You probably needed some time alone to decompress and handle things. I'm glad you were productive but still hung out with friends. I'm sure your friend understands...I hope he reads this or you tell him because he needs to know. ((Hugs))

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  16. Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you. Travel safely!

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  17. Writing is good, it is what helped me. Hang in there. If ever I can be of service, I am only an email away.

    proud dad SGT Mike Stokely
    KIA 16 AUG 05 near Yusufiyah Iraq
    US Army E 108 CAV 48th BCT GAARNG

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  18. I don't know you at all but found your blog a while back. Your story touches my heart and my heart completely goes out to you. You are a strong, beautiful woman. I can't imagine the daily struggle you go through but I just wanted to tell you that as a total stranger, I keep you in my prayers..and that I commend you for being so strong for your daughter. I wish you both the best.

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  19. Hi, I'm a random stranger. And I care.

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