Confidence. Syn: Certainty, Resoluteness, Spunk, Tenacity

It often seems that when Jonny left this world, my self confidence went with him. I've been a ball of constant neuroticism and self-doubt. I question every decision I make, whether I'm still pretty or fun, why people stopped talking to me (you remember those posts), how much of this is my own fault, whether I'm strong... everything. I felt like every confident cell in my body had drifted off, possibly off to Heaven with my husband. I second guess whether people like me or just hang out with me because they feel bad for me. I get anxious when it seems as if someone may be mad at me or if I simply don't hear from them. It was like the cool, calm, and sometimes collected girl I'd once been had evaporated.

I wasn't always cool, calm, or collected. I've always battled anxiety. There was something about Jonny that just made me chill out though. I guess his completely chill personality along with his promise that everything would be ok helped mold me into a more confident, laid back person. And being reminded I was beautiful on the reg really had me believing it. With the disappearance of these regular reminders, I began to wonder if anyone would ever see me as beautiful again. There are so many times I've wished I could see myself through his eyes.

Shortly after his death, I promised myself that I would do my best to remain the girl he fell in love with. If not only for me and my survival but for the mere fact that he would at least be able to still recognize me and find me. I said I wanted to stay that girl because that girl was awesome and could conquer any challenge. But, she's not quite there anymore. This new girl doesn't have the edge or sass the old one did. In the most simple terms, she's scared. Sometimes she wonders how she can still be that girl without him.

The bright side is, I've realized, she's not totally gone, not 100%. She's changed, and she's grown, but she's still there, underneath the hurt and the change and the fear, she's still hanging out. I'm still spunky, I've still got the same sarcastic whit and charm that drew Jonny in at "Are you trying to blow the smoke over that?!" and the other picking-on-him jokes that followed. My confidence is slowly coming back. If no one in this world ever tells me I'm beautiful again I'll know that I was beautiful to him, and that is enough to feel beautiful for an eternity. I'm also finding the confidence that I will eventually find some happiness in this world. I'm working on me, it's going to be a long haul, but I'm working on me and learning to love the person I'm becoming. And while she struggles and she doubts and she fears, she's still pretty awesome, she's still funny, she still has great hair, and she still does her damndest to be the best person she can be, faults and all. And for that, he would be proud. And from that, I will do ok. I will do more than ok, I will thrive.

Feeling pretty positive and hoping everyone had some positivity in their life this weekend, and if not this weekend, there's always tomorrow.