It often seems that when Jonny left this world, my self confidence went with him. I've been a ball of constant neuroticism and self-doubt. I question every decision I make, whether I'm still pretty or fun, why people stopped talking to me (you remember those posts), how much of this is my own fault, whether I'm strong... everything. I felt like every confident cell in my body had drifted off, possibly off to Heaven with my husband. I second guess whether people like me or just hang out with me because they feel bad for me. I get anxious when it seems as if someone may be mad at me or if I simply don't hear from them. It was like the cool, calm, and sometimes collected girl I'd once been had evaporated.
I wasn't always cool, calm, or collected. I've always battled anxiety. There was something about Jonny that just made me chill out though. I guess his completely chill personality along with his promise that everything would be ok helped mold me into a more confident, laid back person. And being reminded I was beautiful on the reg really had me believing it. With the disappearance of these regular reminders, I began to wonder if anyone would ever see me as beautiful again. There are so many times I've wished I could see myself through his eyes.
Shortly after his death, I promised myself that I would do my best to remain the girl he fell in love with. If not only for me and my survival but for the mere fact that he would at least be able to still recognize me and find me. I said I wanted to stay that girl because that girl was awesome and could conquer any challenge. But, she's not quite there anymore. This new girl doesn't have the edge or sass the old one did. In the most simple terms, she's scared. Sometimes she wonders how she can still be that girl without him.
The bright side is, I've realized, she's not totally gone, not 100%. She's changed, and she's grown, but she's still there, underneath the hurt and the change and the fear, she's still hanging out. I'm still spunky, I've still got the same sarcastic whit and charm that drew Jonny in at "Are you trying to blow the smoke over that?!" and the other picking-on-him jokes that followed. My confidence is slowly coming back. If no one in this world ever tells me I'm beautiful again I'll know that I was beautiful to him, and that is enough to feel beautiful for an eternity. I'm also finding the confidence that I will eventually find some happiness in this world. I'm working on me, it's going to be a long haul, but I'm working on me and learning to love the person I'm becoming. And while she struggles and she doubts and she fears, she's still pretty awesome, she's still funny, she still has great hair, and she still does her damndest to be the best person she can be, faults and all. And for that, he would be proud. And from that, I will do ok. I will do more than ok, I will thrive.
Feeling pretty positive and hoping everyone had some positivity in their life this weekend, and if not this weekend, there's always tomorrow.
You are working your way back to you..it takes time..((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteI loves you! :)
ReplyDeleteYou ARE beautiful <3
ReplyDeletexx
Great post Mrs. P. You are a very beautiful person inside and out and I'm so glad that you feel that way about yourself. The fact that you are married to Jonny is always a great reminder that you are beautiful, confident and a great person. Keep it going girlie =)
ReplyDeleteOf course you are beautiful!!! SO BEAUTIFUL. On the inside AND out. <3
ReplyDeleteReading your posts really brings this war home to me. I've always been one to say thanks to whom ever I came into contact with in a uniform, It's not like it wasn't real. But it's easy to see the names and faces on TV, feel really bad and talk about how awful it is, then turn the channel and go on with life not giving it another thought - say a prayer for their family and then forget.
ReplyDeleteSince I've been reading your blog (I was reading before Johnny's accident), I feel like someone I know is greiving, and it's a grief that I do know..not from the death of a spouse, but from the death of my best friend. I know it's different, but my thoughts are if it hurt that bad for her to be gone, and it hurt that deep and that long...Rachel must be going through something even more awful..and my heart hurts for that alone.
I for one think that you are awsome..and we've never met. I think that you are beautiful and strong and you give people a glance into this war that otherwise they wouldn't see. You make it real, and you don't sugar coat it. It hurts, it sucks and this is how life is..and it happens for freedoms that some don't appreciate. I'm sorry that you have to live the hurt side of our freedom, but never doubt your beauty both inside and out, never doubt yourself...you are really awesome!
I think you're still a badass Mrs P!
ReplyDeleteWell said. My Spouse is my #1 self-esteem boost. Without him I can only imagine I would be as insecure as my high school self. But even though you're forced to rebuild yourself now, I can tell from your mad writing skills that you are one tough cookie and you'll rebuild you into someone who people gain strength and assurance from, because you shine.
ReplyDeleteI think you are very beautiful if that counts for anything. You are so strong. I admire your will and courage. Not to mention you have a wonderful smile!
ReplyDelete<3
ReplyDeleteThis post could have been written just for me - Thank you!
ReplyDeleteDeath & deployment has a way of changing a person - for me,I experienced both at the same time (though it wasn't my husband that passed away - but both my parents..just as my husband was preparing to begin deployment.). I'm just now adjusting to the new person I have been changed into. I want deperately to be the same as I was before the loss - to be 'me" again. I kind of liked being 'me'.
I hope that you continue to find your confidence and your spark again. It may not be the same spark as betfore, but it will be brighter because you have the energy of your husband igniting your flame!
I think more than anything the fear comes from learning we are really not in control of anything. You are amazing to me & I'm sure your hubby is proud of you! ~ KFG
ReplyDeleteYou are beautiful, and strong. I know that through your writings and I am sure if I was ever to meet you in person it would be even more apparrent. When you look at your daughter you will see that in her eyes, the eyes you and your Jonny created together. I don't think you know how many hearts you have touched with your blog, I only wish we could touch yours back. I am happy to hear you are seeing peaks of the girl you were before Jonny left this earth. You will never be exactly who you were before but I can promise you that although you may now be a little rough around the edges, and see things in a different way, you will come through this a stronger version of your old self. I look forward to reading about the rest of this journey and where the road leads you.
ReplyDeleteThis is an amazing post to say the least!! It sounds like you are pretty in touch with yourself and where you stand and as long as that is the case, you can only go up!! Just telling by your pictures, you are DEFINITELY beautiful, but I have always believe that overcoming struggles and hard times make someone beautiful on the inside as well :)
ReplyDeleteThe honesty in this post brought me to tears. I'm so glad that you've realized that you can still be yourself, it just might be a little bit different self. Its awesome to hear (read) you being so positive.
ReplyDeleteYou amaze me more and more everyday. I know you don't always feel this way, but you have an incredible strenght and an iron will. You will always be the girl Jonny fell in love with. He will always, always be able to find you. Stay strong and keep your chin up.
ReplyDelete~Sue
http://armylifeadventures.blogspot.com/
I am very happy to see you keep holding your head up high! You are doing an incredible job and have some much strength and courage. That in itself is beauty! You go girl!
ReplyDeletehugs
Amber T
I completely identify with what you are saying here. I was an anxious girl before I met Mike and it was like the day we met my insides when "Sigh... this is where we belong. We're ok now." But you're right, you are still an amazingly strong, beautiful in so many ways woman, wife and mother. Just let us remind you on those days you feel it lacking ;)
ReplyDeleteHey Mrs. P, what a lovely post. I'm so glad for you and with his love shining through your eyes, you WILL always be beautiful.
ReplyDeleteYour beautiful in every little thing you do Mrs.P! You go girls go put on a sexy pair of stilettos and push that petal to the metal and ride it baby girl. You can do it and you will do it! Love you mama P your awesome!
ReplyDeleteawesome post!! thanks for always being real!!
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, I've always thought you were beautiful, and I know I'm not the only one ♥
ReplyDeleteOf course you are beautiful, silly!!
ReplyDeleteI hope you get your confidence back :))
He's probably laughing at you for being silly and thinking he won't be able to recognize you. You will ALWAYS be the girl he fell in love with. Look at what you've done and how many people you've touched! You, my dear, are an inspiration to every military wife that has come across your words. Please don't ever forget that.
ReplyDeleteWe all struggle, and I see myself in the part where you talk about growing and chilling out because of him. P does that for me. And you will find it again, maybe not in someone else, but in yourself. Because we all think you're amazing, and you're doing what you need to do for you and your baby girl. :)
ReplyDeleteThinking of you all the time!
Dear Young Mrs. P,
ReplyDeleteI peek in on your blog from time to time just to see how you are doing. I cannot fathom how difficult it is, nor can I imagine the courage and strength that you have to dig deep for before you lace up your boots (or sneakers) every day to take on the world.
You are amazing, and qualify in my book as a hero. Not many do.
While I was reading your writings, I thought of a song that I had not heard in quite a while until just the other day when a Marine wife posted it. I offer you this song - likely not your style but listen and even read the words.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tbdj7C_hdFM&feature=player_embedded
It is like a little prayer and it just made me think about you and your little one.
May you always have fair winds and following seas, with your love waiting at the end of your journey to take your hand for eternity.
Sincerely and very respectfully,
Another Mr. P.
You are beautiful as many others have said inside and out, and Im sure Jonny agrees! You most likely wont be "that" girl that you were before Jonny was gone, but the everlasting love he gave you when he was here and has left you with, is amazing, and i believe is helping you through this new journey. He is surely so proud of you, and still thinks you are the most beatiful person ever! You are amazing!!!
ReplyDeleteP.S i can still see some of that spunk, you had before, although it may a little different i def still see it through your posts! (((HUGS)))
Your blog brought me to tears & made me a complete mess..I can't tell you how much I admire you for your strength. You are an inspiration to fellow wives.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you & your family, and I too know that one day you'll be with your angel again. Semper Fi<3
SEMPER FI <3
ReplyDeleteYou're beautiful!
What a BEAUTIFUL post.
ReplyDeleteEven though I don't know you personally, I can say that since I have been reading your blog, I can sense your sass, your bravery, and your heart in your post.
And, I am betting you will be told (many times), and by a man, no less, (because I know it is different coming from a man, rather than friends,) that you are beautiful!
Life experiences (good and bad) change us, they make us...different...than we were before. And, I think you have done a great job at handling your loss and your heartache the best you can. I see you using your experience to help others. And that is very beautiful!
“So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.” (Hebrews 10:35-36)
Love you Rach. I am so proud of you for how far you have come. Those who really LOVE you and know you won't go away. Anyone who chooses to not be in your life isn't really worth it. Your are soo beautiful (inside and out) and that will never change. You know that Jonny would recognize your smile, your laugh, your heart. I know he is so proud of you for how strong you are. luss yoU!
ReplyDeleteAs your mom I know how beautiful you are inside and out ~ I also know the spunk and determination you have. I know that Jonny is looking down on you and Ariana and is sooo very proud of his girls. I often wonder myself how people will recognize us when our day comes because we have changed so much and then I am reminded of the movie "Titantic" and although only a movie I truly feel the transformation that old woman made, back to her youthful self is the way it will be ~ we transform back to the image of our last meetings ~ but in the passing time he will watch over you and Ariana, he will see you grow and change and stay the strong woman he fell so deeply in love with. I didn't raise a quitter and Jonny didn't fall in love with a marry a whimp ~ you will always be Rachel just a little different, the hole in your heart will begin to heal but it will not totally close ~ your world that was turned upside down will begin to right itself, but it will never be totally upright. You will find your "nitch" and you will make a difference in this world ~ you already do each and every day another person reads your posts and is helped by your strength and character. I know it doesn't count when it comes from "MOM" but YOU ARE an amazing woman, a pillar of strength and a beautiful person inside and out ~ I love you more than words can express but I'm sure you know that. You are a daughter a mother can be proud of and brag about daily.
ReplyDeleteAs this is my first time commenting to one of your blog posts, I used anonymous until you teach me how to add my name. :)
What a wonderful post! I'm so glad you are feeling confident...if only at times. Good for you hon!!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad that you are having an 'up' day.
ReplyDeleteThis post made me smile from ear to ear.
You are absolutely beautiful and an amazing woman and I'm so glad to have the pleasure of knowing you. <3
Tag, you're it! check out my blog for the details. Love you!
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