The Fear Beyond the Fear

I'm told fairly regularly by milspouses that I'm "living their worst nightmare." No offense, but I hate that. (I know, it's one of those things you say when you're not really sure what to say and you're trying to be compassionate. I don't hate you for saying it, I've just grown to hate the saying, there are quite a few I could add to the list...) It's my worst nightmare, too. Except... it's my reality. Sad face. But the truth of the matter is, I'm living it. I'm living every military spouse's worst nightmare. Hell, I'm living every spouse's worst nightmare, I'd imagine; that their loved one would die. It's just a "more real" nightmare among us milspouses as our husbands are sent to places where their chances of dying are probably higher and "more real" than on "average." But living is scary, because we never know when dying or losing someone is right around the corner for any of us.

I want to talk now about the fear beyond the fear. The fear I've been having lately. My fear.
I've been fearing lately that I'm going to forget. I think I've talked about this briefly here and there, but it's been striking so close lately. Widow brain is a bitch. I've talked to so many widows and so many of us experience brain damage (ok, not literally, but my wids out there know what I mean). We just forget things. I forget where I'm going sometimes, appointments, days of the week, my age (yes, I'm serious). I once couldn't remember what had happened to Jonny, I knew he was gone but I couldn't conjure up what had happened. Have I told you all about that? It was freakin' scary. Luckily I had a good friend fill me in, because I had to know. It was scary.

The other night I was thinking about him (ok, I'm basically always thinking about him). I was just trying to remember our whole lives together. Obviously, with human brains, this isn't really possible. I can't remember every single detail and it's crazy for me to try to. But what scared me was I was having trouble remembering the things I wanted to remember.

I couldn't remember what your touch felt like. It's been so long that I'd felt your skin against my skin that I couldn't remember. I closed my eyes. I thought. And it came to me. I could remember how you held my face when you kissed me, I could remember the way your fingers (sausage fingers, I always told him he had Italian sausage fingers) felt between mine, I could remember how your lips felt against mine. It came back to me. But what about down the road? What if I can't bring it back? I'm terrified of that day because I think when that day hits it is when I will feel truly, utterly alone. Like this loneliness isn't awful enough already.

Sometimes, I forget what you sound like talking to me. Luckily enough for me, I've got the tape. I've got a couple voicemails. I've got some videos. I can still hear you talk to me. Sometimes, they are things I can't bare to hear. Hearing your promises that it won't be long or how excited you are to hold us again... it hurts so badly. I would do anything to have those promises come true. But I can still hear you and that's what matters. I'll never have to worry about forgetting your voice or your face.

Life is going on without you in it though, that's the scary part. You're not hear, yet the world didn't stop. I knew it wouldn't, but some days I just expect things to come crashing down because how can my world continue without the one thing that made it right? How can a universe exist without it's sun?

Maybe it's the rain, this constant monsoon, that's got me in a funk. I always miss you, every single day, but for a while I was doing ok. I was living. At least, I thought I was. Lately I don't really feel like I'm living but more like I'm just here, hanging out. Some days, it feels like I'm still waiting for you. I have to remind myself that there is no waiting anymore. You're not coming and that's all there is to it. Those days are hard. They suck. Those are the nights I find myself wrapped in camis crying myself to sleep, or some semblance of sleep that enables me to rise again and function the next day. Most people see the "ok" side because I don't like people seeing me in shambles. I think that's why people think I'm doing so great, or some people question if I miss you at all. Really, I'm just too headstrong. I used to let people know when I was having a rough night but I've even stopped doing that for the most part. I've been curling in my lonely hole on the rough nights and trying to claw my way out on my own. I don't know if this is good or bad, am I learning strength or am I just making it harder on myself?

I don't want to have to rely on people. I don't want to make my problems theirs. I don't want the "Oh, damn, RP is calling me again... I really don't want to deal with her but I guess I will." I don't want my friends thinking I'm using them just to make me feel better. I miss my friends. I miss happiness. But most of all, I miss you. I miss loving you. I still love you (I always will) but I miss loving your alive self, I guess the better term may be being able to love you. I miss being loved back. I miss being part of a pair. I'm not whole without you here. I miss everything about you, even the things that annoyed me (like the way you brushed your teeth without water, babe, that was so gross and it drove me nuts! I couldn't watch you brush your teeth until the toothbrush was already in. But if I had to see you put it in your mouth - which I did, several times - it completely skeeved me out - you know that). I just miss you. Plain and simple.

I spend my days and nights still wishing you were here and wondering what our life would be like had you come home. I fight away the sinking feeling every day but it still comes, every single day, right in the pit of my stomach. Especially at night. I'm not supposed to waste my life away wishing and wondering. I try so hard to put my best foot forward, to keep living, but it's so hard. Controlling the mind, your own mind, would you ever think that was so freakin' hard?!

I'm sad and weird without you here.