So that was supposed to be my post but then I got thinking about a conversation my WBFF and I had during the AWP retreat. We were talking about looks. And we both agreed, we look different now. I'm glad we'd had this conversation because I'd looked at photos of myself and really thought, wow I just don't look the same, but one of my friends told me only I could see it. WBFF told me how others had noticed it in her and I think those who really, really knew me may see it too but just don't want to tell me.
When I look at myself, it's like my smile doesn't reach all the way to my eyes. Even if I'm genuinely happy (well, as happy as possible) or having a good time, it's like it's not quite there. I just feel I can look at photos of myself and tell something is missing. Something important and irreplaceable. I've always had eyes that change color. Usually, when I'm happy they're more blue and when I'm not they're more green. Right before I cry (and then during and shortly after) they typically turn a bright green. Regular days and moods, they're somewhere in between. I haven't noticed my eyes really blue since Jonny died. Maybe I just haven't looked hard enough or I missed the moments where they may have, but I certainly haven't noticed that blue.
Now, I'm going through photos analyzing... I'll post a couple before and after and you guys can see for yourselves.
BEFORE
Photo 1: (My husband is such a turd :-P) To me, I look completely lit up. This is when we were dating before we were engaged. Even though what I'm wearing also has an effect on how my eyes look and I'm wearing green here, they still look more blue (to me anyway).
Photo 2: Disney World, oooh JonnyCakes, always the comedian ;)
Photo 3: Forgive his exhausted look, he'd just come out of the field that day and we rushed down to Wilmington to find out if we had a hamburger or hotdog before he headed back into the field a couple days later
Photo 4: One of my favorites, just chilling out on a dock... beautiful sky, excellent NC fall weather... and my hottie... he looks sooo handsome in this photo...
Photo 5: Another one of my ultimate faves. On our honeymoon. God he's so handsome
I wanted to include a wedding day one since that was the happiest day of my life but I couldn't find the one I was looking for. Ok, now for the comparisons
AFTER
Photo 1: Two of my favoritest people on a night out. I know I was happy here, I know I was having a good time...
Photo 2: Right before the memorial, so in all fairness definitely not a "happy" smile, just an I'm taking a photo and at least I took the time to look pretty smile... ha
Photo 3: Before Ariana's baptism
Photo 4: After getting my hair did
This wasn't meant to be a sobby or depressing post, just merely an analysis, and your opinions are welcome. Maybe I am seeing things, maybe I look exactly the same. Maybe neither my eyes nor my smile have changed and I'm just imagining it all because I know something is missing. Or maybe, just maybe, there's the slightest, faintest change... Hmmm. Either way, it was fun going through pictures and sharing some of my faves, even though I've probably shared them before...
I can see it. There is only a slight difference though. You are now a much stronger women and have a different sparkle in your eye. Love all the pictures and hearing how you and little one are doing.
ReplyDeleteI feel as if in the 'before' pictures you look lit up, and just genuinely happy, while in your 'after' pictures you look like you're smiling because that's what people do when you have a camera in front of your face, well all of them except the one of you holding your daughter for her baptism. You look genuinely happy in that picture, and you can tell how proud you are.
ReplyDeleteEither way, you've gotten stronger and I know it's not only me who looks up to you and your strength.
Kristyn said it so well. I notice a difference in your smile. There's a hint of sadness to it. I haven't gone through a loss the way you have, but after a couple of life-changing events, I've seen a difference in my smile.
ReplyDeleteYou are an inspiration to many of us, and I hope you know that we all care about you.
I see it to, and agree with Kristyn. You do look lit up and happy with the before pictures, and your just smiling with the rest, but I see your really happy with the Baptism.
ReplyDeleteI also see the before your eyes were blue, after they are a darker color.
You are such a strong women, and a great example for the rest of us, Your an AMAZING Military Wife. Your Always in my thoughts and Prayers!
~Alicia
You look amazing in ALL of these pictures!! However, I'm pretty sure I have this exact post. I think the only answer to why we look different is because we are different. I think we have times of true happiness and fun, but when we are caught in pictures it's the innocence in our eyes that is missing. The "before" us didn't REALLY know the cruelty of this world, the "after" does. Over time you'll embrace that new person you see in those pictures, and you'll begin to love her, and when she is happy not only will you feel it, but you'll see it!
ReplyDeleteI love you!!!! HUGS!
sprinkle cinnamon around the baseboards wherever you think ants are coming in. ants hate cinamon.
ReplyDeleteYou're right. I can see the difference, too. It's like there isn't as much light in your eyes as before.
ReplyDeleteHowever it is very nice to see photos of you and your daughter.
And I freaking hate ants.
I will have to be home to see the pics, the work computer is funny, all the time.
ReplyDeleteYou have been through trauma, it changes you. Have you heard the stories about people who go through traumatic events and their hair turns white or something changes and never changes back? So you are absolutely correct in your thinking, although you didn't need me to tell you I'm just trying to reaffirm what you already knew.
Fire ants are nasty nasty little creatures!!!!! I made the mistake of walking through them late one night. I didn't realize it til the next day... I was unable to wear shoes for days.
I feel like the closest you look in your AFTER pictures are with Ariana :) Your smile and eyes are almost like in the BEFORE pictures :)
ReplyDeleteWhile the difference is slight, it's definitely there.
ReplyDeleteIn the first ones, you are lit up and genuinely happy. In all of them, it shows through that you're happy through and through, inside and out.
In the second set, with the exception of the one with you holding Ariana, you're smiling, but that glimmer is gone. You're smiling with your mouth, but not with your eyes.
Now, having said that, all of the pictures are gorgeous, of course, none of them are BAD, and the difference is slight.
You, dear, per usual, are fabulous :)
I agree with what Kristyn said about looking happy for the camera. You look GORGEOUS in all the pics but if you pay attention there is a slight difference. Its as if your mouth is doing a great job putting on your "before" happy face but your eyes didn't get the memo.
ReplyDeleteI think though the "after" picture where you seem sincerely happy is the one at Ari's baptism. Did you post about how that went? I'll have to go back because I'm having a brain fart but you look so happy there.
I can only imagine that many of your pictures will reflect different emotions. You don't feel the exact same every day or hour, right? So its normal that some of your pictures (or mirror reflections for that matter) look different.
idk if it's because of jonny or not--could be baby girl. pregnancy changes everything about a woman--but I do notice a difference...not a bad difference. I noticed and notice the same thing within myself since having kids...they change your entire chemical make-up (physical, emotional and mental--especially having a girl, they really take it out of ya!)...it takes a while (a year or two honestly) to feel like you again. I still don't think I look the same, but like the change. I had such a baby face, and now I feel like a look like a woman. Finger's crossed, we will both skip the old lady face.
ReplyDeleteAND you're right at that age where you are getting a more mature look.--switching from your baby face to woman face.
Either way you were beautiful before, and are gorgeous now..so keep looking for that "eye smile" --when you find it, you'll know you've come ALONG way.
<3 u!
Some of the light has gone out of your eyes. There's still enough there to appreciate that you are alive and have your baby girl, but yes, something is definitely missing.
ReplyDeleteI can see the difference. I'm not going to lie, the last picture of you and your husband made me burst into tears. You two looked so happy in that picture. I hope someday you get that sparkle back.
ReplyDeleteThis is a difference, but you are stronger because of it.
ReplyDeleteI see it and as slight as it is, it's there. I believe its more in your eyes and the way you lit up. In the before pictures, your whole face was radiant with a smile. The after pictures, you are smiling but your not as lit up in eyes and just your overall face. I agree though in the picture of you and Ariana, you genuinely look happy :) Ariana looks as cute as ever!:)And i have to say it's pretty awesome that your eyes change colors like that!
ReplyDeleteI think you are right, people that know you may notice your smiles are "different" but may not want to tell you.
I hope you get the ants taken care of, I absolutely hate ants!
i can see it as well.
ReplyDeleteYour before and after photos are equally stunning but in the after photos, you look grim. Sort of like "okay...today is another day I gotta get thru this". Despite that though, you are incredibly strong rachel. *hugs and kisses*
I can see it too, and I know what you are talking about because I see the same thing in Brooke.
ReplyDeleteYou both amaze me with your strength and your beauty.
Huge Hugs!
um...I can kind of see it after some serious inspection and looking back and forth. Ants are gross.
ReplyDeleteI see what you are saying, it is very subtle and if you hadn't put the pictures up side-by-side I probably would never have noticed. That being said, I don't think it's a bad thing. We're the product of our experiences. It's going to take a while for your whole face to smile again. But I agree. I see your "old smile" most in the pictures of you with Ari. :) It's obvious that she lights up your life.
ReplyDeleteI hate ants too! They seriously piss me off...
ReplyDeleteIt was a great picture with great smiles on the Ariana Baptism picture though.
Have a great weekend!
I see it too so your not crazy lol. You will get the lit up face again! It will just take time. It's expected! Your still beautiful and strong no matter how your smile changes!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful photos first of all. The ones of you and your husband made me cry, you can just FEEL how much you love each other even in the silly ones.
ReplyDeleteI can see the difference, I think putting them up side by side is probably the only way most people would notice but its definitely there. True love transforms us, and it makes sense that your loss would transform you too.
I can see it.....in your before pictures your eyes are much more lit up and blue...in the afters your smile isnt as big and your eyes are a darker color....you look amazing in both the before and after pics....In the pic from the babtism your eyes look more blue and your smile is almost as big as it was in the before pics
ReplyDeleteI think you look more wise and strong. I was going to say you look older and more mature, but not in a wrinkly old way, just in a life experience sort of way. You're absolutely beautiful before and after.
ReplyDeleteI can see a slight change but you have to remember you have been through some HUGE changes. You have had to grow up and become more mature overnight. You do seem brighter with Ari and I pray she always brings light into your life.
ReplyDelete~Sue
http://armylifeadventures.blogspot.com
I can see it. to me, all the before's your eyes are bright and sparkling and all the after's your eyes look a lot darker. You're beautiful in every single one though!
ReplyDeleteI was bit for the first time by fire ants this year in Georgia! And I was in a church! Arghh! I screwed up my foot for awhile --I figured out that zyrtec (the antihistamine) works to reduce the swelling.
ReplyDeleteAs for your looks. Maybe you're a bit world weary now, you know so much more about life than you did before, yet some things seem so uncertain. But... you are still beautiful. I think Jonny would have loved you through all the changes (even when you get old like me, and are having seriously dumpy issues)! He loves you still!
I see it. I think the closest you look to the "old" pictures is right before Ariana's baptism. I think your baby girl brings you back a bit more.
ReplyDeleteI came across your blog and I just felt that I needed to tell you that you are an amazing and strong woman. Your baby girl is one lucky kid to have such a strong mom!
ReplyDeleteWBFF - I see it. Jonny did put a light in your eyes. Nonetheless I think you are beautiful with and without your light.
ReplyDeleteIts because you lost a part of yourself, the part that added light to your eyes, and the part that made your smile even bigger
ReplyDeleteHmmm.. I feel odd saying this because I don't know you...but... you are an amazing young woman. The mischievous twinkle I see in your eyes isn't gone... or missing... it is resting in your heart...and beautiful things like your daughter will be like kindling for that twinkle.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately I only know the 'after' Rachel. But I can tell the difference in the pictures I've seen.
ReplyDeleteI was looking at old pictures of Tom and me and I noticed the same thing about my smile and my eyes. My smile became forced because that's what you are suppose to do for pictures is smile. And my eyes looked so empty.
But now I can feel the genuine smiles coming back and I don't feel as empty so I don't think my eyes look as empty. Once you don't feel as empty on the inside that'll show on the outside. When that'll happen, I dunno, but I do know it won't be forever.
I don't think its drastic, but its there. But I think thats to be expected, you know?
ReplyDeleteYou're still gorgeous though :)
I'm not sure if you live on the 1st floor or not. But we had a serious ant infestation when we first moved into our last apartment. But having curious kittens we were hesitant to put out all of that ant killing poison and spray. We heard that cinnamin or sage actually disrupts the ants chemotactic trails so we put it in all of our door ways and window sills and outside the apartment and it worked!!... we eventually bough some cinnamin oil and used a Q tip to apply it to corners and cracks and crevices we had seen them coming out of. It worked as well and wasn't quite as messy. and we were alot less worried about the cats accidentally ingesting it.
ReplyDeleteI think the smile is the same but the eye color you can definitely tell the difference. I also think unlike everyone else that even though your pic of Ariana's baptism is gorgeous your eyes are dark in there too. I think it's safe to say that as much as you love your baby and wanted this to be a happy day; it wasn't as wanted him there(physically). The very first after pic on the girls night out actually seems the only after pic with light eyes, Don't worry Rach you are getting stronger as days come by and as your little baby grows and you start seeing more of Jonny in her you'll realize that he'll always be here physically through her.. I know it's not what you want but at least not all of him is gone...Keep Marching girl you are doing a fabulous job!
ReplyDeleteOMG I hate ants too. I'm not really sure what to say but I noticed the difference in your eye color in the pictures with your husband. Stay strong.
ReplyDeleteThe difference is not incredibly pronounced, but it's there, except for in the picture with your daughter. You look just as happy in that one as in the before pictures.
ReplyDeleteI see a giddy girl turned into confident young woman. I see maturity and natural beauty. I guess I do see changes. Life is always about change.
ReplyDeleteI don't see too much difference in your SMILE, I do however see the SMILE in your EYES not the same. I can see it in your EYES that a peice of you is missing. A friend of mine told me that the smile isn't necessarily a smile unless your eyes are smiling too.
ReplyDeleteI only see a slight difference. Yes, you're smiling but not quite as wide. You'll smile like you did again, I promise. It will take time, but when it happens please share it with us! We're all rooting for you <3
ReplyDeleteI can see the difference. I have seen you smile with that sparkle in your eye and from ear to ear. It's when you talk about Jonny or something amazing Ari did.
ReplyDeleteI know you will get it back eventually, but know that you are so beautiful and we love you!
Sometimes that smile really comes back when 'Bill' does something hick-like. Haha. Hope that made you laugh.
I think you look great. I agree; the smile in your eyes is less present now but I think when you're holding your baby - it's definitely THERE.
ReplyDeleteI, too, notice a difference, but I'm not sure if it's because I know I'm supposed to be looking for one, or if it's truly noticeable. I can see it, in your before pictures, the look of true, complete happiness and love. In the newer photos, you look happy, but I agree, as happy as you can be.
ReplyDeleteI empathize with you, my husband is scheduled to deploy, and not a day goes by that I fear he won't come home to me. And I completely expect some resentment towards the wives who still have their soldiers/marines, etc. I know I'd/I'll be bitter.
I want to write something inspirational and uplifting, but I don't know if it's true. I know if I lost my husband, I'd lose the one man who was my one true love in this life, and there's no way possible anyone could fill the void he'd leave. But, on the other hand, if and when you do find someone else, they don't have to fit the mold your husband left behind. There's new possibilities of things to love about someone else, and what someone else can love about you. But I'm jumping the gun - lord knows it would be years before I considered even dating again.
It's all an adjustment, to how you'll go through life now. Yes, being a widow is a part of you, but I wouldn't let that define you forever. I don't say this to mean that your husband's death should be in vain in this way, it shouldn't be. You lost someone very special to you. I just wouldn't let "widow" become your identifier.
I hope this makes sense.
You will smile again, like you did before. But you're still so full of hurt, anger, and sadness. No one should expect you do be the same person you were, today. Not for a while, anyways. As your daughter grows, you will find more and more reasons to smile and be happy. You're a mommy! You have a part of your husband in your daughter.
My thoughts are with you, and I hope that through it all, good and bad, every day you have another reason to smile, and hopefully someday, your smile blooms in your eyes again.
PS, about the ants!
ReplyDeleteWe had an issue here, up north, with black ants getting into our apartment. It was disgusting, the day after I cleaned (and I'm OCD about cleaning), they were coming into our kitchen, then eventually our living room. A friend of mine, who knows someone who works for Orkin, told me to get Ortho Max Home Defense - that's what Orkin uses. So I went out to Target, bought the biggest bottle they had, and sprayed all around outside where they could get in, and inside where I saw them coming and going. I swear, ever since I sprayed, I haven't seen a single ant inside! I'd tried Terro spray that our maintenance man brought over, and Terro traps before, and nothing worked nearly as well as Ortho!
I see a change but its more of a fake smile in the after picture and a in love smile before! I am truly sorry for your loss and for the widows of 9/11's loss...its terrible. As for the ants i just got raid it kills them all lol
ReplyDeletei can see the difference your smile is not the same and your eyes are not as bright and the pics you have of you all togeather you can see a glow in your face that you dont have in the rest of them. you do still have a glow because i can see the glow that you have for your daughter but i can also see the longing in your eyes for the one thing that you miss the most
ReplyDeleteEyes are the window to your soul hun. Your eyes look sadder now now matter how smily your smile is.
ReplyDeleteYou look beautiful in all the pictures!!
ReplyDeleteWell, I believe a part of your soul was taking and it is said that you can see a person's soul through their eyes. There is a dark about you now that your soul mate is gone but as your tattoo says it perfectly "this too shall pass" and that color will appear without warning and just take over your ora.. I love reading your blogs :)
ReplyDelete