The Progression of Time (Approachig 6 months)

In my opinion, frankly, time is scary as hell. Each passing day terrifies me. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for each day I am blessed with and each day I have with my little girl, my family, my friends, living... but it also scares me. It's a day longer, each day, from when I've been with him. Since he was alive.

I'm coming up on six months. It may not seem that long, but to me it's like some sort of milestone. A whole half a year.

Everyone seems so excited for September, for fall. Pumpkin spice lattes, sweaters, scarves... but for me, it's another season to conquer without him.

I've had one spring and one summer (almost) without him on this earth. The seasons just aren't the same. Just another day, just another day you're gone is how it feels sometimes...

I think of this new month and all the days that will come with it, all the days that will come with each new month.

September 8 - 9 months since I last touched you, kissed you, held you, hugged you. Been with you in any physical sense.
September 10 - 6 months since I heard your voice, since I had any kind of contact with you at all.
September 14 - 6 months since you walked this earth, since the day you ascended into Heaven.
September 15 - 6 months since I found out you were no longer here. Ariana turns 8 months old.

It kills me that every time Ariana turns another month, each month on the 15th, I also think of that day... the day my doorbell rang, the day I heard the news.

I hate doing things without him, from small things to big things. I'm thankful I am here to get to do things, but I wish upon wish that he was here to experience them with me. He should be here with me going on vacations, taking the cruise. Here for Ariana's baptism and in the future, her birthday. We should be putting the trash out together, he should be here eating dinner with me, doing house chores. We should be together watching tv, laughing at commercials, driving around, singing and dancing. I know you're with us, but I just wish you were here in the physical sense. I want to see you do all these things too, or even if you weren't physically in the same area as us, I wish I could at least tell you about things and hear your reaction, get your input.

Ariana's getting baptized on Sunday. I was going to wait until Jonny was home from deployment to do it, and months have passed since his unit's return and I've finally said I've got to do this. I haven't been back to the church since the accident. It's the church we were married in. I'm terrified. I'm terrified I'm going to walk in the door, look down the aisle, and expect to see you there waiting. It's the last time we were in that church together, you were up there waiting for me. You weren't there during deployment, but I was ok with that because you were supposed to come back. Now I'm going to look and you're not going to be there waiting, and you're not going to be thousands of miles away but within enough reach that I could at least tell you.

We're supposed to be doing this all together. It's so hard to face each new day without you but I know that I am going to and that I'm going to do my very best. For you, for me, for Ariana, for us.

I hope with time, I will stop noticing the time as much. I hope the the 15th will not smack me as hard in the face down the road. Maybe it will, maybe it's one obstacle I'll face for the rest of my life... Who knows...
Here's to the future, may it bring more blessings, joy, and laughter than I could ever expect.