Month Five

Well, I've made it this far. It still sucks and I still wonder how I'm going to make it so much longer...
I had a rough night. Every night's been rough lately, though. Nights are stupid.
I did fairly well during the day today though. Played guitar quite a bit. I bought one while I was up in Maine, Jonny always wanted to learn to play, I always wanted to learn to play, so I figured I'd learn for the both of us. I guess I thought I'd start out relatively decent though, like it would be easy for me to understand since I play a few instruments. However, I'm seeing that's not quite so, I've got a learning to do, and a lot of toughening up of my fingers - they are sore!

I should get to doing my homework, I've got a little bit of running around coming up here in the next few weeks so I definitely need to stay on top of it.

Lastly, I'd like to point out that I am not using my husband's death as an "earning" for myself. I was not proposing that I be on reality tv (actually, I'm pretty sure I said I wouldn't want to be on it in my post) I was saying it would be interesting and real. I never said I was proposing it, nor do I plan to. It was actually more of a joke (clearly a reality show like that wouldn't be made and it would be really sensitive if it were, as in they'd have to be careful about how they did it... I was basically saying there are reality shows for everything else but not something that matters? Satire.) but I suppose I can't expect judgmental people who have too much time on their hands to understand my sense of humor. I do not expect my friends to give up all their time to me, I actually told them that from the beginning when people weren't able to make it to the funeral or come to other things, that I understood they all still have their own lives to lead, I get upset with my friends when I don't hear from them for days on end (as I did before my husband even died... as most normal people would if their friends just seemed to disappear...), but once again someone who spends their time putting down others probably has no friends and wouldn't understand that either. I never said I was writing a book, I said I'd like to maybe one day down the road. I love to write and before I even thought twice about it, several people told me I should. Writing is therapeutic for me and I believe that people may gain something from what I have to say. Who knows if I wrote something if it would even sell, it most certainly is not to make money. So to the person who didn't have the balls to say who they were but leave a nasty comment, you have no freakin' clue what you're talking about. And you have no gusto if you can't even say who you are so I can reply directly to you. The sad thing about this all is there is a chance that you know me personally and are just out there to try to take me down. Well, keep on trying sister because I'm not going anywhere. I typically don't respond to people's nasty remarks but I couldn't leave this one, I don't ask you to read and I don't ask you to comment, I do this for myself so if you don't like it don't visit the page. I also don't ask for your sympathy, I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me. I'm well aware I was dealt a pretty shitty hand but I am making the best of it and doing what is best for me and my daughter. It's almost like you were jealous that I can grow from something so awful in my life. Like you wish you had "opportunities." Well, I'm sorry that you didn't have the one thing in your life that meant the most taken away from you, gosh that must be so hard. And I'm sorry that you're not taking the time to turn your life the direction you want it to go in and make the best for yourself. And I'm sorry that you have so much time on your hands you can go to people's pages and anonymously leave nasty comments.

I guess the women who started TAPS and AWP and Real Widows, the org and the radio show, and the books written by 9/11 widows and children of fallen Vietnam veterans or the Widows who wrote the grief handbook, and Taking Chance, the movie based off real families experiences in the CACO process... all these things that help other widows or that help give a face and feeling to Americans who just can't grasp that this is real, well I guess all those people are just taking advantage of their loved ones' deaths as well. Shame on them, shame on all those people for opening their own doors and making something of themselves all the while making a difference.

Everyone grieves differently, and some people feel the need to just do something with their grief. Make themselves better, put information out there for others, whatever is therapeutic, whatever works best. And if you can't deal with that, get your petty judgmental ass off my blog and keep your nasty thoughts to yourself, because you're not going to profit and you're not going to change me and you're not nearly going to tear me down. I am stronger than you and your nasty words and I am going to come out of this with my head held high knowing I make my husband proud every single day.

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars."


  1. you don't have to defend anything you write on here. this is your blog...your space to express anything you choose. you feel what you feel, & say what you think. screw everyone else. period.

  2. I personally think it would be an amazing idea if you were to some day write a book. There aren't that many resources out there about the aftermath of war on family members. No one understands how far the consequences go. I can't understand why someone would feel the need to attack you. It pisses me off! I also think it would be great if there were more tv shows directed at the families too. The majority of us didn't take it like you were trying to make a profit. Ignore that pathetic loser!

  3. If I could "love" this post I would! yes, I am addicted to Facebook....

    You are awesome lady! Anonymous people are POS. You know you have many bloggy and real friends to support you and let you grieve however you want. WE don't judge.


  4. I read your post about the reality tv. At NO point, I thought you were proposing the idea. I completely got what you were trying to say...about how most reality shows are crap and about things that people don't really care about (Teen Mom, 16 and Pregnant, etc.-even though I'm guilty of watching those shows).

    When people are grieving, there are always people out there criticizing you and what you're doing. They always think they know best, when they have no earthly idea what's best. You are such a strong woman, and I admire that. You just tell all the haters to "eff off."

  5. That is an amazing quote and such an inspiration.

  6. There is nothing more selfless than opening yourself to the world when you are going through the loss of your loved one. You open yourself to the love of others, the admiration of others, and of course the judment and negativity of others. But, in the end we continue to share our treck down this road of widowhood because in the end, if we make a difference in someone's life that is on this path, we've done something amazing. I love your posts, and I find hope and strength in them. We all have ignorant pests walk in and out of our lives, but we're strong enough to not let it tear us down.
    If you have judgements and nasty comments to share, be an adult, grow some balls, and attach your name to it. But, since you didn't, I would guess that you don't want to hear all the nasty things said back because you are a complete moron.
    Rach, I love you girlie, you are truly an amazing person. Now, let's go make all that money through the loss of our boys!! Hollywood here we come!! :)

  7. I just recently found and started reading your blog and I think you are an amazing woman. People who try to put you down do so because they need to feel better about themselves. Every time I read your posts you amaze me with your strength. You are grieving and living and surviving the best way you know how given all that has happened to you. Whatever helps YOU get through the day is all that matters, not what someone else thinks you should or shouldn't be doing. They're not you and more than likely have no idea what you are going through. Be proud of who you are and how you feel, you have every right to be. Continue to be who you are, no matter what anyone else says, for yourself and for your absolutely beautiful daughter! :)

  8. Mrs. P, you are absolutely amazing, inspirational, and just plain fabulous...just in case you needed a reminder. We (your NORMAL readers) back you 150% and are thankful for your openness. You are spreading awareness about something that needs addressed!

  9. I think there should be a documentary of some sort on wives that go through what you go through every day so that other wives know that they aren't alone, I love your posts and I admire how strong you really are!

  10. Excuse me for one second when I say "FUCK HER AND HER COUCH" (Dave Chappelle) anyways...if you didn't leave your real name you must be scared of the wrath a Marine Corps Wife can bring! Furthermore as they say "Marines are all brothers" so are us Marine wives!!!!! We stick together and shut your fat Fucking mouth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    Bring it on Bitch! Oh yeah and an OOOOOFUCKINGRAHHHHHHH To you too!

  11. Well you know I will stick up for you any day of the week and beyond! People have no sense!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Also-I'd love to pick your brain one day about your lil one and how you manage....You must have some serious multitasking down..something fierce!

  12. LOL, obviously the 'anonymous' poster doesn't know how to read. You said you wouldn't want your life on tv..and yeah, lots of people just don't get satire*insert eye rolls*

  13. Obviously this person who posted anonymously to you or said whatever they said KNEW they were wrong. If they actually agreed with what they were saying, they would have posted with some way to contact them as well. Shame on them. What you're doing is amazing! I have no doubt you're reaching out to people that are going through exactly what you are. You are so respected by so many military significant others, and please don't let the naysayers say any different.

  14. Ummm... Eff the biotch that left a rude comment.

    Secondly, I don't see what you're doing would be profiting off your loss. Lets be serious, you'd be dirt poor eating bugs if it meant Jonny was by your side.

    Thirdly, this is AMERICA. Everybody profits off of EVERYTHING. So, all those things you listed have let MILLIONS gain knowledge, and maybe help somebody.

    Fourthly, (I might go to tenthly, lol) You should write a book. Your writing is amazing. It may not have to be about grief, but another amazing book about your outlook on life. I would buy the book. You would make a couple dollars off of me.

    Fifely, I'm done. No tenthly! LOVE YOU!!!!

    I hope this made you smile. :-)

  15. Girl this is your blog you can say whatever you want on it that's what there for is for us to express our thoughts and feelings it makes me so mad that someone would leave a nasty comment on here I think you are such a strong and intelligent women. And I love reading what you have to say because I feel that you write with your heart and that's beautiful.

    This little snake you have creeping around your blog needs to go somewhere because they clearly have no clue what your going through.You are probable right they have no life and have nothing better to do then to leave nasty comments.

    I feel that if someone leaves a nasty comment they need to at least sign there name to what they say I mean unless there a coward or somthing oops did I just say that Haha..

  16. I came across your blog last night, and just wanted to say that I think you are one heck of a strong woman.

    I am the daughter of a deceased WW2 vet, and I'm very proud of his military history.
    No doubt, your daughter will be proud of her Daddy.

    So, I say you-keep speaking out, keep pushing to keep not only your husbands memory, but the memories of all vets, alive.
    Besides, you never know who may read your words and be helped or inspired in some way.

    God bless you and your family~

  17. I agree with you totally Rachel! First that a real look into a widow's life would be beneficial... not only to us... but to everyone much more than the "real housewives" of wherever... But whoever tries to judge you or what you (we) are going through is crossing a line that need not be crossed by anyone.. I am a widow too.. but I can't tell you what you need.. or what is best for you either... what has helped me.. may not help you, or may not be what you experience too.. simply because we are all different, live different lives, and have diferent personalities and experiences, so for this person to show hate to you is wrong, and I hope they realize this... that they have NO idea what you are going through.. because even me as a fellow widow, I have no idea what YOU are going through.. I know what I have experienced and continue to experience.. but I don't KNOW what you feel everyday! no one does but you, Rach! And your real friends are here for you... and we will always be! Love you!

  18. You are AWESOME, AMAZING, and STRONG. I'm glad you're not letting some loser get the best of you. Hugs to you!

  19. I know you and I have touched upon this subject before, the people who "disappear" apparently weren't supposed to be in your life to begin with. People who want to post anonymous comments on your blog are cowards, and I would serious love nothing more than to know who it was so I could give her a piece of my mind. She doesn't know the first thing about you or your situation and to even so much as insinuate you might profit off of your loss is a lowlife statement and probably something this anonymous person would do for herself. She wouldn't know class if it hit her in the face, just keep your chin up and always remember my dear have more class in your pinky finger than that bitch has in her life, and if she reads this and wants to respond to me, she is more than welcome because I like her do not post anonymously, I have no reason to censor my thoughts especially to someone who hasn't walked a minute in your shoes and couldn't last if she tried. So she can kiss your ass, and take her negativity elsewhere. It's one thing to mess with a woman, but as my fiance' tells me...Hell hath no fury than a Military Wife's (or fiance' in my case) Anonymous bitch, get off your high horse and get over yourself and your jealousy.


    BTW, I absolutely love love the new pictures of Ariana, she is a beauty! She looks a lot like you and Jonny put together, I normally see babies that lead more towards one parent than the other but she's got beautiful genes and a beautiful mix. You better get the "boyfriend shotgun" ready, you'll need it.


  20. hey there lady, I am sorry that some nasty STD left you a poorly taste comment..... Your TRUE readers and FB friends have your back 200% and like that you keep it real in your blog. You are real about your feelings. Readers like that.... I would LOVE if you wrote a book!
    Your blog is YOUR outlet and YOU are completly correct, if you dont like it go somewhere else--- Google, knitting or building card houses or some shit.......

  21. "Everyone grieves differently, and some people feel the need to just do something with their grief. Make themselves better, put information out there for others, whatever is therapeutic, whatever works best."
    LOVE LOVE LOVE this!!! It's so very true!!! You are amazing!! Everyone else has said in their comments what I was thinking as I read.

  22. I hate anonymous assholes. Please don't let them drag you down.

    I play guitar. It is very therapeutic for me because when I play it's hard to think of anything else. You should learn some scales. They will make your hands stronger.

  23. Unfortunately, there are always people like this. But try to forget about this 1 person and think about the hundreds of people who read your blog and support you. Take care and keep being strong for your baby girl. God bless you!!!

  24. I read your reality tv post as well and did not get the impression that you wanted to be on tv. AND, I think it would be good if you wrote a book. I'd read it. I think many Americans should read it because too many are ignorant to the sacrifices made on their behalf on a daily basis.

    I totally understand why you write this blog. It's kind of like writing a letter to an ex that you don't intend to send. It just helps to GET IT OUT. (ok, they're very different scenarios).

    And if the person who wrote that nasty comment would read the blog from March to present, they would know how much pain you're in and that you'd give up everything you have for one day with him. To tell him you love him one last time.

    The last thing you need when you're grieving something is some a-hole leaving you nasty comments.

    That's right, anonymous nasty person, you're an a-hole.

  25. "The people who mind don't matter, and the people who matter don't mind."

    You keep doing what you're doing. The trolls out there will never get it. You can't fix stupid. Stay strong! We know what you mean and how you mean it. And we'll take on those idiots en masse if we can ever get our hands on 'em, you betchya! ;)

  26. I just found your blog recently, and I want to say that I think you are an amazing, strong woman.

    People leaving you nasty anonymous comments are super lame. Whoever it is needs a swift kick in the ass.

  27. I would read your book if you wrote one! I'm glad you're staying positive and not letting the haters get you down. And I'm glad that you want to take this horrible thing that happened to you and use it to make a difference in the lives of other military families, instead of letting it destroy you. You should be proud that you have the strength to do that. btw I think of you every time "Bad Romance" comes on the radio!

  28. Amen Mrs. P! You don't need horrid, negative people in your life. I love how you write and I love you ideas. If every widow sat around in a little cave ignoring the world then there wouldn't be anyone there to help others going through the same thing. You just keep on doing what you do and let the trash fade into the background. (Not that you needed me to tell you any of that, but you are supported! lol!)

  29. Well I know I didn't want you to do it but it never crossed my mind you would want to for money so I hope you don't think I was one who thought that, my only concern was the thought of you being exploited...I think way more of you than that. I read this post after my last comment since I just got back from a trip and I am catching up..

  30. wow I can't believe someone would bash you on your own blog...some people are unbelievable. Everything you do is helping you get through a really tough time. Ignore the haters is my belief, and keep strong. Oh and I only post anonymous, because I am to lazy to make a profile, but one day I will!

  31. Awesome! You should write a book. It would be wonderful for not only you but others as well. You are so strong and amazing. Your little girl is so lucky to have such a strong mommy. Don't ever let anyone tell you what you can or can't write on Your blog! They can shove it! You make me want to be a stronger person. Good luck with school, motherhood, life, and anonymous annoying people who cant mind their own business. Keep your chin up your doing great hun!

  32. Rachel,

    You are one of my new favorite people and I want to remind you that there is much more good in this world than evil. These types of people are put here to test our character. Embrace these idiots...they need you too. Without people like you, they would have no idea what strength looks like. Chin up lady. You do you perfectly, and we all love it.

    <3 Alisha Walch

  33. This post disgusted me. I disgusted me that you had to even defend yourself like this. The person who wrote those horrible things to you is lucky they didn't say who they are because I believe there are a whole lot of people who would want to hunt them down and hurt them for saying those things to you!

    That sucks hon. I'm so sorry you have to deal with the disrespect and ignorance of other people. Thank you for continuing to put yourself out there. If I ever have to go through this I only hope I can have half the dignity and grace that you have had during this trying time. Keep your chin up and know that there are MANY people in your corner! xoxoxoxo

  34. I think what you have to say is heartfelt and honest. I admire you for your ability to go on doing things and not wallowing and drowning yourself. I admire you for doing things for yourself, your daughter and your husband.
    Writing is a very good therapy. I haven't gone through what you have and I write for therapy. Sometimes it is the only way to get what is inside out.
    I would love to read any book you may or may not write. Don't stop doing what you are doing. and the negative nellies need to stop being so negative. Life is so much more beautiful if you find good things!

  35. I am actually outraged with this post. The fact that on your own blog, your own personal cyber space, you had to defend your own thoughts and words. That's the equivalent of inviting someone over for a dinner party and allowing them to insult your decorating style. Unacceptable! I have followed your blog for a while and I am blown away by your grace and willingness to share this aspect of your life with strangers. Forget reality tv -- this is real. What you are experiencing is real. No television show could ever convey what you convey through this blog. So screw the negative commenters. This is an education for all of those who haven't been affected by the negative aspects of war yet still believe that they have the right to comment on your experience. Carry on girl! Carry on!

  36. I found your blog through Love Bomb, as I was the recipient of a Love Bomb last week. Times are hard right now.

    I was up until 3am reading your blog all the way back from post number 1. I got up this morning and just finished the rest of your blog.

    Last night I cried for you and I cried with you. I cried as I watched the videos. I have cried for your little girl and for her loss.

    But mostly I have felt that I just wanted to show up on your doorstep and hug you. Take your pain away for just a minute. Even a second. Help you to bear some of it.

    I am a Navy wife (3 years to go until retirement) and was a Navy brat growing up.

    The respect I have for you and for your husband is mind blowing.

    I cannot imagine that anybody would be heartless enough to ever leave you a rude or nasty comment. You are a beautiful soul with a gift for writing.

    I do not watch smut reality television but I would tune in to watch real life people over coming challenges and heartbreaks in life. I would watch a young widow learning how to be brave any day. That is real life my friends. Real life.

    I actually think that people need to know what it's like. They need to see more of this.....people tune it out. They keep busy pursuing the American Dream and they forget that blood has been shed to allow the American Dream. They forget that there are families out there that have sacrificed the ulitimate sacrifice. Maybe they don't forget, maybe they just don't give a shit. They need to see it. They need to be taught.

    I would gladly tune into a show that had you on it. I would be proud to be a viewer of that show. And if it saved you trips to WIC, then I would be even happier. That is BS that a military family, any military family should ever qualify for WIC. While famous athletes sign 100 million dollar contract, military families are having a hard time feeding their children. Bullshit.

    I agree with what I read earlier on your blog about the news stories of our fallen makes me sick that they are just a number or a name. These are real people with real families.....they deserve far more then just a number or a name. These are heroes.

    I'm sorry, a fallen soldier deserves more time on the news then Lindsay Lohan with her stupid pitiful life choices.

    It makes my husband and I sick how little attention is paid to these real life American heroes. Our priorities are so screwed up.

    I wish I had words for you sweet girl but as you know there are no words to make you feel better. You must bravely march the Widow's by day. Eventually time will be on your side and the sting won't be so strong.

    Stay strong, Be Brave, love that baby and know that you have inspired me to be a better wife to my military husband.

    I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for your sacrifice to help keep our country free and safe.

    From one military wife to another , God be with you.

    ~Katie Watson

  37. I have been an AVID follwer of your blog since my sister introduced it to me a few months back. I am continually overwhelmed with your tenacity and your....well....goodness. I think about you and your family every single day and you guys are always in my prayers. I think you are such an inspiration to everyone, not just widows. Your blog has given me a huge amount of perspective. If I'm having a bad day, I can read your blog and realize that I have it pretty damn good. You had most wife's worst nightmare happen to you and you still stay so positive and optimistic. I'm not a military wife, but my husband is a police officer. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. Also, shake those haters off.....

  38. I just Want to let you know i think you are the most strongest person to even be able to pick up and go on with life! How ever u decided to grief is your decision! Let me just tell you i admire your strength. And for who ever wants to speak negative about it is ridiculous! Not everyone can mother a child after loosing their other half. But you are not only mothering a child alone you are doing it with your head high... all i could do is really admire your strength. And you keep on going who cares what bored people have to say to you they dont matter! what matters is that you are making it and you didn't give up on life!


Please feel free to leave a thought with me!


Copyright © 2014 | Designed by: Broken Road Creative