Christmas Survival

Well, I can successfully say... I SURVIVED! woo hoo. And now that my rant and rave session is out of the way (phew) I can talk a little about celebrating the good Jesus' birthday and the holiday season in general.

As you all knew, I was kinda bummed out about Christmas this year. I had an awful time getting into any kind of holiday spirit and was pretty Scroogey. I was questioning whether I'd make it through the week without snapping or losing it and guess what - I did it! Woot. It's little successes that make me feel a little bit more proud and think maybe I can do this widow thing... as much as I'd rather not most days.

I made it through some pretty heavy stuff the past few, well, few months really. I survived the anniversary of when we first met, of our first date, of our engagement, my birthday, the last day I saw him (that one was pretty tough) and Christmas. I've kept my head up and marched on even though some days I want to dig in a whole and lay in it. Some days my head (and my heart) feel much too heavy to lift and continue on but I somehow find a way to push through. I know that "somehow" is by the love of my husband. I really feel it's days like those that he specially beams down a little extra love for me to hold on to and push forward.

Now, warm and touchy feelings out of the way, let's recap a little, shall we. And if you're brave and make it to the end I'll reward you with a couple pics, how's that sound? ;)

Christmas Eve was basically just "another day." Lounged around in PJs all day until evening. Mom made Christmas Eve dinner as usual, ham, home made mac n cheese (drooool), veggies and potatoes. So delicious. Miss Thing absolutely adored the meal. That kid is such a good eater, definitely has her daddy's appetite! Then we got ready and went to church. Usually our tradition is to go to the 10 o'clock mass but we went to the 7 o'clock one so stinky pants could come with this year. We got to see the bells which we always miss at the later mass so that was cool. Ari was good in church and during children's time with pastor she hammed it up and waved and said "hi" to all the kids around and pointed at their noses. She's such a stinker. Then came prayer time. And the last prayer was of course for all those fighting overseas and what not. And that's when the tears came, without any apology or shame they came and they came hard. I remembered sitting in that very spot last year, praying so so hard and crying about being alone on Christmas, missing my husband so bad and just praying so hard that he'd come home to me and that the deployment would fly by. And so I cried even harder this year, another Christmas without him but no homecoming to look forward to. It was hard, it hurt. Then they sang O Holy Night which is my favorite Christmas song and always brings tears to my eyes so I bawled the rest of the way through church. Luckily I have a good church family and got lots of hugs and prayers.

Flash ahead to Christmas Day. Christmas Day really was pretty easy and my little baby girl made that possible. We came downstairs in our matching PJs to open gifts and the baby was just so excited and happy. She liked helping me rip the paper (to an extent) and actually liked her toys (and not just the boxes) it was so cute. She got this baby doll that laughs and every time it would laugh she would laugh. She really seemed intrigued by all her neat stuff. She (with the help of grandma and daddy - I'll explain) got me this beautiful ring for Christmas. Apparently, my mom was laying in bed shortly before Christmas and had this "vision" of this ring. So she headed to a jewelry store and had it specially made. It's absolutely beautiful, a big heart shaped February birthstone (Jonathan) and then a December and a January (me and baby) below it, and all three are touching. My husband used to always enlist my mom's help for getting my gifts. He'd tell her exactly what he wanted and she would do the ordering since he didn't have internet and then he'd just give her the money. It's like he was still working his magic even though he no longer stands on this earth. She said it was very much like how it was when he was here - exactly what he wanted was described to her. It will be engraved with "Forever Our Family" but they didn't have time to get it done before Christmas. It's gorgeous and I am so very loved. I also got a few other things from Ari and the parents but there's no need to go into detail about everything Ariana and I got, this entry is already long enough haha. The parents seemed to really like their gifts and so did my younger sister, every one seemed happy and it was a good feeling.

After present time we kept up with a tradition that Jonny had started - Christmas morning mimosas. He did it with fresh squeezed orange juice - he'd use the juicer and spend time getting the juice out. We cheated and used minute maid (sorry babe) haha. It was pretty neat tho because we toasted to Jonny and wished him a Merry Christmas then drank our mimosas and a few minutes later it started to snow a little bit. It was like he was saying hello and Merry Christmas to us. Beautiful. The whole day I felt his presence. Some people get weirded out when I talk about it but it's always so wonderful to me. I felt him with me from Christmas Eve night and all through the next day. And I'm pretty sure the baby caught site of him once or twice too. It was amazing.

So not only did I survive Christmas, I actually took time to enjoy it. Hopefully next year I'll enjoy more of the season, especially since Miss Thing will understand more.

Now I will let you all know that I'll probably be a little MIA for the next couple weeks. I've got my move to get underway and then a new house to get set up and a birthday party to prepare for (What was I thinking planning a party 15 days after the move - YIKES!)
I hope everyone had a great holiday and felt full of love.

And of course, some photos to hold ya over until next time you hear from me


Ari checkin out grandpa's new fishing pole
Matching PJs, Ari cracking up at her silly grandpa
Our family Christmas photo
And a flashback to 2009 Christmas parade in Jacksonville, right before deployment

40 comments

  1. LOVE your Christmas PJs! My great aunt gets us a pair every Christmas (our holiday tradition) and I've gotta say, it's the only day of the year I wake up looking good. :P Hahaha.

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  2. This is such a beautiful post. I love all your posts. They make me tear up, you're a strong beautiful young woman. ♥

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  3. Oh this made me tear up! As I wrote in my Christmas eve entry, that was the hardes part for me too! Oh Holy Night started playing, I looked at my husband, and said "this should have been a different sort of Christmas" and started to sob...i mean shoulder heaving, bawling sob! i didn't care who saw me, and there was a little boy who kept pointing at me and yanking on his mom, but i didn't care.:-) i am glad Johnny made himself known to you this hard time of year! I am so glad you were able to enjoy it, and there was peace in your heart!
    God Bless!
    Erin

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  4. you've made it through so many milestones. good job Mrs. P. you inspire me more than I can say :)

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  5. Ugh! You made me tear up again :) I'm so happy you were able to enjoy Christmas. I think it's SO AMAZING you felt Jonny's presence. The fact it snowed was SO most definitely him. You guys look adorbs in your jammies! <3

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  6. I'm so glad that you had a good Christmas and that you felt Jonny with you the entire time. I know that feeling of knowing someone is there with you. You are blessed that he has such a strong presence in your life and that he's still around you and Ari. I hope you have a wonderful new year and good luck moving!

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  7. What a beautiful story of your Christmas. I am glad Jonny and Jesus were both there holding you that day and you felt their presence. Thank you for the awesome pics too. Your girl is truly in a fun age, so enjoy it. They are only litlte "once." - OKC Therapist

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  8. awesome, I'm glad you found some joy at Christmas, no one (with a brain) expects that you will just be "fine" all the time.

    Happy Birthday to your little one, and good luck moving!

    May 2011 be full of happy times, healing, and little moments that will take your breath away!

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  9. oh sweet heavens can I nibble on Ari's little cheeks?!? okay. Thats weird. But her smile?? Melt my heart, thats precious.

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  10. Sounds like a beautiful Christmas. Good luck with the move! And the two of you look SO adorable in matching pjs!!

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  11. This entire post made me smile. I am glad you and Miss Thing had a good Christmas. Hope your move goes smoothly.

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  12. I can't imagine what the holidays must have been like for you this year, but both you and your daughter look so beautiful and it looks like you made her first Christmas a memorable one! Love the matching PJs. :-)

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  13. I somehow just stumbled across your blog and I really have no words other than to say my heart breaks for you and God bless your husband for what he did for our country. Your little one is precious:) You have an amazing attitude, she's lucky to have you!

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  14. Hello... I glad to know that you had an awesome Christmas. Keep your head up. Life is tough at times, I cannot imagine what you're going through. All I can say is try as much as you can to stay strong :) Happy holidays.

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  15. Love the family photo!! And the one from last year :) xoxo

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  16. Your posts always make me cry. Sounds like you had a wonderful Christmas. So glad to hear and that you felt him with you. The ring really got the tears flowing.

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  17. where did you get the matching PJ's? SO freakin' cute girls!

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  18. I find your blog so touching. I cry, I laugh and I cry again. You are truly a strong person! Here is an award for you!:) You can read it at this link... http://nursingstudentandwife.blogspot.com/2010/12/first-blogger-award.html

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  19. I'm so glad you had a good Christmas overall. Such a difficult year for you and Ari. I love the ring, and I hope you'll post photos of it.

    I've been thinking of the two of you a lot lately. Where are you guys headed? I'm hoping that some day I can meet you and Ari and give you both huge hugs.

    Oh and I love the matching pajamas photos! You and Ari look beautiful!

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  20. I'm so glad you had a good Christmas, despite how difficult it was. I discovered your blog a few days ago and have been praying for you daily since. Keep your head held high and a smile on your gorgeous face :)

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  21. I am so glad to hear you got through Christmas and were able to enjoy it. The part about the mimosas and him saying hi via a snowfall choked me up. You are an incredibly inspiring woman. Good luck with the move and may the New Year bring you happiness.

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  22. Oh Rachel.... You just bring me to tears!!!! I'm glad you made it through Christmas... Its so amazing that you can feel Jonny still...


    Are you and Ari planning a trip to see his family anytime soon? (look at me being nosey!)

    I can't wait to see pictures of the ring!!!!!

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  23. you are amazing :)

    anyone could only hope to have the amount of strength you do. keep sharing & keep writing.

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  24. I'm glad that you survived Christmas and were able to feel your husband's presence. You and Ari have the CUTEST pajamas!!

    Happy New Year to you.

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  25. I admire you so much. I'm so glad you had a wonderful Christmas with your family!

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  26. You and your little girl are just beautiful! I love the family photo--made me choke up. Best wishes to you in 2011.

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  27. i'm glad to hear you made it through christmas .. way to stay positive and push on. good luck on the move and party planning ! :)

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  28. Happy New Year! GodBless and stay safe during your move. Happy Birthday to your little one! :)

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  29. Christmas will get more and more fun as that little one gets older.

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  30. Your baby girl looks just like Jonny. I love that!
    I'm glad your Christmas was a little brighter than you expected.

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  31. I am so glad you were able to have those glimpses and feelings of love from your hubby. You and Ari are both gorgeous and I just LOVE your jammies!

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  32. my thoughts r with u, u r so strong...

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  33. i don't know how you have the strength to do what you do day-to-day. i have been through a few hard times in my short 22 years but i can not imagine being in your shoes. my best friend is marrying into the army in a month and i can only hope she is prepared to deal with her husband being away, and can only hope she doesn't have to go through what you have gone through.

    my prayers to you & your family

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  34. Wow!! I definatly believe in signs and I totally believe that was a sign from your hubby that your mom saw!! And I believe in the whole babies can see things we can't as well. He was with you the whole time. As I stated in a previous comment tonight, I just started reading your blog this past week. My friend Ashley (A Lovely Little Advneture) had told me about a few and yours is the one that drug me in for my first reading! (I started a blog but I think I'm going to delete it and start fresh haha) You have got to be one of the strongest women I've ever "met." I could never even begin to imagine what you have gone/are going through. But that little baby sure makes things a little bit better huh? Keep your head up girl and pay no attention to those who want to leave nasty comments! As you said, this is YOUR blog-no one elses! They don't have to read anything you post and they certainly don't need to be commenting! You are doing the best job you know how to right now and personally, I think you're doing an awesome job!!! I look forward to reading more (and crying more-yes I'm a crier lol) from you!! I hope you had a wonderful New Years and are getting all settled into your new house!

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  35. wow, that is really neat about the ring your mom saw, and it is so sweet that you felt Jonny's presence on Christmas. Ari looks sooo much like her daddy! (but don't worry, I'm not saying she looks manly, she's also a pretty little girl) :)

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  36. i love this post it made me tear up a little but i love reading everything that you post...i havent been on here in a while so im catching up

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  37. I love your family Christmas photo, the matching pjs, the christmas tree, and your husband in the background. I have read all of your blogs and felt the need to comment most on this one. I find you very inspirational, keep up the good work, and your daughter is beautiful. God Bless.

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