Hello There, Why Are You Crying? I Know You're Trying Your Best

*Warning, this could possibly, make you cry*

I can't believe I didn't post this sooner, and I had to scour the interwebs in order to re-find it. I had posted it on my facebook page but I mean as many times a day as I post on FB there's no way I'd find something posted weeks ago.

Anyway, this is a video taken by the combat news team with my husband's unit from the day he deployed, 8 Dec 2009.
One of my bestest NC gals, Lori, and her hubby are 50 seconds in. My friend Kristin's son is playing around at 1:29. Mr. P's SSgt, Roger, and his little girl Naomi, make an appearance at 2:55, his son and my friend Rachael, his wife, at 3:00. And Hubby and I (and Ari in the womb) make our YouTube debut at 3:49.




I believe videos like this put a real face on the war. This is me and my friends and their families saying goodbye to the most important person in our lives. When you see it on the news, it's sad but it's like... not close to home, ya know? At least that's how it was for me before... Even growing up in the military environment and supporting the troops the way I always have, I never really knew anyone over there, not like this. And actually watching people saying goodbye to their love? It's heartbreaking.

I cry every time I watch this. You may ask why... that's not very smart, Mrs. P, to watch more than once... But in reality, that was the last time I saw my husband. Held him. Kissed him. Felt him. It's bittersweet, I suppose.
I got a phone call today. And one yesterday. It's never enough. I just miss him. So, so, so much. Every time the baby is fussy or I'm having a bad moment, I miss him more and then my bad moments turn into awful moments. I just wish he were back here with us.

The song from the video, Lit "Lullaby"
Hello there, how was your day? Sorry that I was away
Hello there, how is the weather? Sorry I'm not there to play
I'm trying just to make it better for you I know it's hard to understand
Chorus.
(la la la la la)
I'm always gonna love you..... I promise you I promise.. you..
(la la la la la)
Always thinkin' of you..... I promise you I promise.. you..

Hello there, why are you crying? I know you're trying your best
To be good, now for your Mother, hold her and tell her we're gonna be ok.
I never meant to make you feel so bad, hope some day you'll understand..

Bah bah black sheep have you any wool?
yes sir yes sir three bags full
Goodnight

Can you tell I've had a pretty emotional day today? Sorry for the sappy post... But I hope you enjoyed the video, and if you haven't said goodbye to a loved one or a friend as they headed into a combat zone, it helped you put a face, a name, a family.... to what is going on and what military families sacrifice for this nation.

Oorah, Semper Fi.

Minor Meltdown (Day 18)

I've been doing good. I've been doing much better than I expected. But sometimes, I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep until the summer. Or at least until I go into labor.

I try to play it off on hormones, but sometimes I am just sad. I wish I could always be tough (as nails). My motto has been be strong for my Marine. I don't want to feel sad, I want to feel good and keep on keeping on. I promised him no moping. He made sure I would not mope. I stay upbeat in my letters and on the phone. I find it inexcusable to let him know I am having a hard time ever, he needs to stay focused on his mission and not worry about me here. The more focused he is, the easier it will be for him. My goal is for him to be safe and come home to me 100%.

But sometimes, I am just sad. Hormones, deployment... put it all together and it can be overwhelming at times. And I can cry for no reason. Last night I was a bit upset because I miss my home in NC, but it doesn't really feel like home without him there and I got thinking that when I'm in NC I miss my home in MD which is not so home-y without him either. I deduced that I do not, currently, have a home. As home is where the heart is and my heart is in a war-torn land thousands of miles away from me. Thinking of it that way makes it really rough, and I need to take time to remember that I do have a home, two actually, and there are people here and people in NC who love and support me. Today the crying came really from nowhere, part of the reason I blame it mostly on hormones. I'd had a fine day, running errands and doing some returns and getting a not-so-awesome pedicure with mom. But then when we were back I was sitting there and I just felt... unhappy... weighted. Heavy.

I know that this is perfectly ok. With everything going on in my life, it is perfectly acceptable to have meltdowns, moments, times to be upset. And I know that all in all I am doing a damn good job. I think part of the hardship comes, too, from hearing from him 3 times in 2 days and then nothing today. It's only one day, but when I don't hear from him after hearing from him regularly, 'just one day' can feel like a lifetime.

I also feel slightly useless here. I know I could help around the house, clean, etc. but I don't really want to. I don't know what I want to do. In NC, before the majority of my friends left to go home, I was busy everyday. Going out to lunches, taking random road trips to visit friends who live a little farther from JVille, doc appointments, just keeping busy. I haven't been so great at keeping busy since I've been home. I think I'm ready to be back at my own home, preparing for baby's arrival, getting last minute things together. I also know that the sooner I am back home, the closer to baby's arrival we'll be. I go back home on the 5th of January, so we'll be in full-on countdown mode by then, it just feels right now that the 5th of January is decades away.

Speaking of which, today, 27 Dec, marks one month until I'm due. A whole separate reason for thousands of emotions. I'm so excited and ready for her to finally be here (and frankly, ready to not be preggo anymore!). I'm nervous as all get out to be a mom (hello, I'm responsible for a-whole-nother person!). I'm incredibly sad that Mr. P is not here to witness his daughter's arrival into the world and to meet her. It breaks my heart that she will be 7 or so months old before he can meet her, and thinking of how he must feel about this, cuts a little deeper - if it breaks my heart it must shatter his. A whirlwind of emotions, I can only imagine how it'll be on her actual birth day.

Sorry for such a long and emotional post, I typically try to keep them light and upbeat, but sometimes I just need to pour my heart out. I miss my husband deeply, I'm 9 months pregnant, and I have heartburn, I think I deserve a little bit of an emotional release.

I will continue my whole hearted attempts at staying positive. I hope you all continue to have a faboosh weekend.

Manic? Monday (A Reason To Look Forward)

Because Mondays are usually kind of stressful, I have chosen to steal this positive way to look at Mondays from the lovely Heather at Live.Love.Laugh. Such a good way to get over having a case of the Mondays. So now I present to you...


Why I love the week of October 5, 2009:

• My husband will be in training but will be able to come home each day (I was really worried he'd have to stay out there which is no fun) and it may be early days.
• Fall weather is finally starting to creep into the depths of North Carolina. And while it is still warm enough to wear flip flops and short sleeves, I got to wear long pants without sweating today. Woo hoo!
• I will be 6 months pregnant on Wednesday. 24 whole weeks I've been at this baby growing stuff! Only 4 short weeks from entering into the third and final trimester!
• I created and am adhering to a meal plan! We made it Saturday and bought all of our groceries on Sunday. It helped us save so much money and we shopped in complete meals so I won't have to run back to WalMart every single day.
• I will be getting my flu shot some time this week. I went today but was confused and given the wrong instructions so did not get it, but I found out they are there all week. I've never gotten a flu shot in my life, but it's the best for baby girl so it's what I'm doing.
  
• Tomorrow night is the Meet the Spouses night with the Batallion CO. Maybe, just maybe, we'll be given a clue as to what is going on within the unit. If not, I get to see some of my favoritest Marine Wives tomorrow, to say the least!
• And last but not least, TWO of my favoritest (yes, I know favoritest is a made-up word and yes, I know I used it twice, there's no other word to use there though, really!) Phi Mu ladies are coming to visit me this very weekend!!!!! I'm sooo excited! Shan W and my little Theresa are making the trek down here to the (not-so) dirty south. I am really really REALLY excited for them to visit, and know we will have a blast (and I am determined to have the best time ever without going over budget, wish me luck!) They were planning a surprise but they (thankfully) let me know so I can prepare. Which, thank God they did, because we had a lazy weekend and the house was a disaster (and now I have time and a reason to clean, woo hoo!)

I am actually pretty freakin' stoked about this coming week. I'm just sayin'...

Just Go Already (The PRE Part of PreDeployment)

My husband's unit still doesn't have a date to hit the road and go do some damage abroad. For many people reading this, the thought is relief and joy that they're still here. This, unfortunately, is not the case for many Marine wives...

While yes, we love our husbands home and hate the fact that they go, the reality of the matter is, is that they will go eventually. So when the rumors start going around and the preparations start picking up (are we leaving soon or just keeping everyone on their toes?!) it's hard not to feel that little bit of "I just want it OVER with."

The faster they get out of here, the closer it will be to them coming home.

Sometimes being yanked around (we're going in --- scratch that, now we're going in ---, now we're not going til ---) is rough. We had a "set date" in August, and as you can tell, we haven't left yet, and now we hear a different story just about every week. I know this is in partial due to OpSec (Operational Security), that giving them too many details could lead to the details leaked and therefore put our troops in more danger than they need to be, but it's so hard not knowing. Unfortunately because of OpSec, once we have a date, I won't even be allowed to share it either, or how long until they come home.

It's like all the anxiety of the "upcoming" deployment (upcoming used very lightly, as in no idea how near it really is but knowing it will inevitably get here - remember reality of the matter) has been weighing on us for months. When the rumors start flying, my anxiety levels rise - I begin to think of all the things we need to get done before deployment. Including both serious things that have to be done (Will, Living will, "What do you want to do with my body God forbid something happens to me?" Powers of Attorney...) and those that are not crucial but before a deployment feel like the world will end if they aren't done (Cleaning out the baby's room, making "daddy" tapes, seeing family...) And of course, this being our first deployment (not only together but ever) we're still not sure exactly what to expect (How much notice will we be given? Will be get a predeployment leave? How much contact will we have with each other?) Being around other Marine wives makes it a bit easier, my friends assure me that they've survived through it and I will too, and they give me a little bit of background of what their deployments were like, but it's hard too because every deployment is different and they can't tell me exactly what will happen.

Go with the flow, Go with the flow.
I have got to make that my new mantra. I can do this. And we will be fine. No matter when the time comes, we will get through it!
So for now I'm left to list making and trying not to procrastinate, so when that time comes, we will be ready!

One of my favorite things about living near a deploying base (the Army base I lived near at home was a schooling base and therefore deployments from that base weren't all too common) is the homecomings.
I know it's a bit blurry, but those are WELCOME HOME banners that hang on the fences outside of base.
I love looking at them and sharing in a little bit of someone's excitement about a homecoming. Last week, a few units came home all at once and so the fences were FULL of banners, and some people just got SO creative. Some are pretty risque and funny too, I love those ones ;o)

I already get thinking ahead to what Mr. P's WELCOME HOME banner will say. Thinking of making it reminds me of the sorority days, making big/little tee shirts

My littles, Katy and Theresa, in the shirts I made them.

The backs of mine and Theresa's shirts, I wish I had a shot of the back of Katy's too!

So funny the talents I learned in college and how they are coming handy in "real" life. Haha.But I am sure that I'll have one of the bestest banners out there upon hubs' arrival home ;o) (See, thinking about him coming home makes thinking of him leaving that much easier!)

Training Day (Everyone Needs a Network)

Today I had my training to become a Family Readiness Assistant. Let me elaborate first, on Family Readiness and how important it is to a wife as any kind of military spouse.
When I first moved to Camp Lejeune (to be known here on out as CL), I was extremely lonely. I had my husband, a good friend I had made on a prior trip, Jess, and husband's friend's wife (who has become much more than that as we've gotten to know each other), Tamara. While both these ladies are fantastic (and Jess took care of my very sick newly pregnant self) I still ended up staying in the house moping for the majority of my first few months. I would call them on the phone or swing by their houses and that was about the extent of my social network. Neither of them were in hubby's unit, so while they could give me their tips and personal insights of being a Marine wife, they couldn't tell me what was going on with us, what exactly I was expected to do, or anything specific to us. They could both relate to the long days and late nights, or the nights where he doesn't come home at all. Jess has already survied a deployment and Tamara is preparing for her first, but has survived lots of seperation from her hubs before moving to CL. We have a lot in common just being Marine spouses and we have great times together, but I was still missing that network that I was used to, having come from an area where when I needed advice all I needed to do was walk down the hall to my mom or whenever I needed a sister I could drive 45 minutes at the most and several ladies would be there (one of the perks of being a sister of Phi Mu the second largest "Fraternity for Women" in the nation). I needed some kind of network where I could get busy. Preferrably a network that would somehow make me closer to hubs.

When Tamara started talking about events that were going on in the battalion for the families that would help spouses to meet friends and network, I started to wonder - is there something within hubs' batallion for me? Upon asking hubby this, I began to feel at a loss, there was no way I'd find a way to connect with his unit without feeling totally awkward (aka wife dates and large family days - sooo awkward to meet people that way!) That's when I noticed the card hubby had inadvertantly stuck on our fridge - the number for the FRO - Family Readiness Officer. I shot her an email, and within an hour, I was on the phone with someone from his battalion who could totally help me out. Finally, my existence at CL and as a Marine Spouse had been recognized! I was invited to come to the BN (battalion) the next day to meet the FRO, collect my Battle Book (a binder filled with sheets with blanks to fill in of all pertinent info - the if I had to leave and only had a second to grab my whole life what would I need book), and join her and her assistants on a tour around the base. I had an awesome time! I got to chat with girls from the BN about events, what was going on on base, and events the battalion family readiness team had to offer lonely spouses like myself. It was great. I asked how these girls got to come hang out in the office because it seemed like something I might be interested in - helping other wives (spouses) who don't have a clue what's going on and feel disconnected. I know that feeling and it sucks, what could I do to help out? I was invited to a Family Readiness Team Assistants meeting where I learned lots of goings on in the battalion and once again got to do one of my favorite things - chat! I decided that being a family readiness assistant was definitely a job I wanted to volunteer for.

Today was the training for the job. I learned lots of valuable information that will not only help me as an assistant but as a Marine spouse. I learned about TONS of resources that are available to us as Marines spouses, many I didn't even know about!! And then we got a sweet little graduation ceremony where I got an awesome certificate, that looks like a real Marine Corps certificate and I might just hang on the wall with hubby's certificates

Holding my cert. infront of hubby's, think it goes?

So while I'm not looking for sisters to replace my sisters or my family, it is good finding a sisterhood within the Marine Corps. Whether it be Tamara and Jess, my first CL Marine Wife friends, or Maggie my childhood friend who is now a Marine Wife, Maria (the wife who was there when our car got hit and who is basically pretty awesome - more on that story and Maria later), or the battalion network, it's nice to have people who understand. And of course all my oldest friends are always only a phone call away. It feels good to be unlonely and back to my social butterfly self again.